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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

MNHQ have commented on this thread

Relationships

My husband is on grindr. I need some hugs and advice

176 replies

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:13

Hello. Hands shaking. Today I found my DH on Grindr.Without a doubt it is him. Posing in our ensuite bathroom. Confronted him. Says it is not him but refuses to let me see his phone. He is refusing to talk to me. Two children. 7 and 10. I am 43. Dont know what to do. Please some advice.

OP posts:

Report

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 23/09/2013 21:15

Sorry to hear that you have had such a shock. How did you find him? What made you look?
Is he still in the house?

Pennies · 23/09/2013 21:16

I'm not sure but is that a gay website? Why were you looking there? Did you suspect he might be gay / bi?

Is there any possibility it could be someone who used to live at your house?

Sorry you've found this. I don't have any advice really.

Tailz · 23/09/2013 21:17

Sorry but may I ask what Gindr is? Is it a dating Site?

It must be a massive shock.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:17

Yes. He is in kitchen. God cant type. Have had doubts. Discussed it with him and he makes me feel tgat I am paranoid.

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bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:18

It is a gay pick up site.

OP posts:

StickEmUp · 23/09/2013 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:19

It is him.

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Twinklestein · 23/09/2013 21:20

If he won't talk you can't make him.

I would tell him:

To move into the spare room.
That given his lies & refusal to talk, you only assume the worst and consider your options on that basis.

You need some time to process this.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:21

I know my DH. You can see some of his face. God I even recognise his pants and moles on his chest. He went ashen when I showed him and them defensive and then silence.

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PamDooveOrangeJoof · 23/09/2013 21:22

You need to get hold of his phone before he deletes anything - if he hasn't already done just that.
Did you look on his phone and find the app? Or did you find him by doing a search from yours?

Pennies · 23/09/2013 21:22

Can you print off the web page and show him the picture and ask him what's going on? If it's there in front of him on paper then he can't really deny it can he. Can you see his face in it?

I'd try and save a screen shot too in case he delete his account before you can dig deeper.

Tailz · 23/09/2013 21:22

I would also make an apt at your local GUM clinic. If you're sure it's him, you need to assume the worst ie that he has actually met other people.

Ikeameatballs · 23/09/2013 21:22

Sorry that you are going through his.

If you are sure it's him and he is denying it then I can't see that there is any hope for your relationship. Sorry .

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:23

I cant face him. My legs are like jelly. Still in shock.

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cjel · 23/09/2013 21:23

holding hands, hope they stop shaking. what do you want to happen? when I found out about OW I needed to keep on till I had last gory details. Do you want to confront him to get it all out in pen or do you want to give yourself time to adjust before talking to him more?

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:26

I downloaded the app. Low and behold up he appears. His message was beyond crude - that he would be ebegetic for a nice ass and that he wants to learn new tricks. . Feel sick. And why cant he just admit it. Tried to take a photo but it didnt work. We had sex on Saturday. We laugh. He telks me he loves me. I will have to go to GUM clinic.

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bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:27

I want to know everything and at same time I dont.

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TwerkingNineToFive · 23/09/2013 21:29

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. (Hugs)

Ithink the advice about putting him in the spare room for a few nights till you can get over the shock then you'll be in a better position to talk about where you go from here. If it was me and I talked now I'd end up screaming shouting or worse.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:29

He is still in the Fxxxing kitchen.

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perfectstorm · 23/09/2013 21:29

I think you need to say you want total honesty or you're filing for divorce as soon as the solicitor opens tomorrow. Go in guns blazing. He knows it's him, you know it's him, compounding his betrayal by insulting not only your intelligence but your sanity is a disgusting additional betrayal, and you need to make that clear.

I'm so sorry to say it but you need to screenshot the profile and email it to yourself as an attachment, because if you do divorce him that's pretty strong grounds for a swift "unreasonable behaviour" petition. Another point you can then make to him.

I'm so very sorry, this is unspeakably painful. I hope he starts talking to you with a little more respect in the immediate future.

JoinYourPlayfellows · 23/09/2013 21:31

You don't really need to know any more than you know.

He's into gay hookups.

Presumably your marriage is over.

What a total prick to be having promiscuous gay sex behind your back and putting you at so much risk of STD.

bonniescot123 · 23/09/2013 21:32

I think I am too shocked to argue and he is such a shame faced liar. How he can deny this. His phone is always locked (no wonder) and he said he will never let me see it even though I am distressed. It is obvious he got all sorts on his phone.

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ThePinkOcelot · 23/09/2013 21:33

So sorry bonnie, what a shock for you. x

Pennies · 23/09/2013 21:33

You don't need to see his phone - just take a screen shot of what you saw on yours and that's all you need.

Xales · 23/09/2013 21:33

Tell him not to compound his shitty behaviour by treating you as an idiot. You are not stupid. He is adding insult to injury by denying what is blatantly him. He doesn't know what information you have even if he deletes the trail now.

Stay quiet if you can and let him fill in the empty spaces.

And yes sorry you need to visit an STI clinic

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