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I miss him ...

(42 Posts)
Tigermax Mon 23-Sep-13 21:08:45

20 years into my relationship I had a brief affair a while ago. We didn't make it to sex but had long phone calls, texts and a couple of short meetings before I broke it off. I am heart broken and miss him so much. I think about him all the time. Of course it's affecting my marriage as I'm miserable and I can't explain why to my DH! I feel like I'm in secret mourning. We have 2 DC's and a good relationship that I don't want to end. Anyone else been there - leave or stay? How on earth do I make a decision?

Duckeggblues Fri 27-Sep-13 09:10:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Annabelllll Fri 27-Sep-13 22:21:00

Duckeggblues - u r doing great, so impressed with the route u took to try and understand better yourself and your marriage through counselling. My partner would never ever agree to counselling. How is it going?
I understand u perfectly when u say that divorce sounds tempting but its like throwing away chunk of your life, is in it? Also same as u I'm teriffied of turning my childs life up side down - it really scares me. Also how do I know if my partner wont turn into some sort of crazy ex that will couse troubles and my dd will suffer because of that?
My partner is a good man and good father but we have been through a lot and he has put me through hell years ago... Its all good now - I care about him.
but I also care about other man.... After some break I met him this week and he's just so me... I love him so much.

I'm sorry - the whole message is chaotic and full of mistakes - I'm sooo tired...

Duckeggblues Sat 28-Sep-13 12:28:45

Anabelllll thanks.
All the counselling doesn't help me feel like less of a heel wrt DH or ease the grieving for 3rd party though. It is nearly a month since I went nc after a sticky end and I still wake up in the wee small hours choking back tears... But something keeps me in place with my marriage.

I know I have to make that decision, own it and put my heart back into my marriage... Problem is I just don't know if I can. My heart is not in it. What a mess.

worsestershiresauce Sat 28-Sep-13 13:28:14

Here's what you do - you start treating your partners with respect and leave until you have sorted your head out. Once you have, they may or may not want you back. I suspect not, but that's not for me to say.

Living with someone who is in thrall to someone else is horrible. You wonder why they are short with you, distracted, cold, all of that, because that's how they are. You might not think you are, but your mind and emotions are on some perfect prize. The person at home cannot compete with that so you don't bother with them, or their emotional needs.

Marriages aren't always destined to last forever, but whilst in one have the courtesy to respect your partner. They deserve someone who is in 100% committed to them. If that person isn't you, it doesn't make you a bad person, but you should step aside and let them find who ever it is. And they will. They won't sit and pine for you forever, they'll be initially lost and upset, but they'll move on.

Please listen to what I'm saying. So so many women on here are emotionally broken because their partners did what you are doing. Separation and divorce are hard, but when you throw a third party into the mix it hurts like you can't even begin to describe. Why were they better? Why? Why? Why????? It eats you up. It's so corrosive. It is no different for men. They are no tougher than women. They hurt too.

You once loved your DHs enough to marry them, have children with them, and commit to them. Remember that and be kind to them now. Don't tell yourself you are staying for them. You are staying for you, because it is the easy option.

Decco Sat 28-Sep-13 13:35:47

worsestershiresauce - totally agree.

Duckeggblues Sat 28-Sep-13 14:14:25

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cupcake78 Sat 28-Sep-13 14:44:55

I know you will have been through all of this but honestly the only thing that will help is time!

Cut all contact with the om. Accept that you do need to grieve for the other person even if it was a fantasy world. Give yourself time on your own to do this, allow yourself the cry etc.

Your marriage isn't perfect. Nobody's marriage is. It is only with time that you can work out what you want to do. If your dh walked out today honestly how upset would you be?

I wouldn't advocate having to tell your dh as you've finished the relationship and all this will do is cause him even more pain. However there are holes in the relationship that need looking at and it would not be unreasonable to discuss this with him. I will get flamed for suggesting this but honestly don't do it. Passing off your own hurt into your husband is not a kind thing to do at all. If your marriage doesn't work at least he will not be scarred in future relationships by trust issues.

The most difficult part of all this is the problems in your marriage will make you miss the OM even more. It's a long tough road but your not the first person to ever have experienced this. In fact I think there are many many people who go through this and come out a far better person with a stronger marriage because of it.

Oh and the OM will be very good at popping up and looking extremely good at times you need it the least.

Duckeggblues Sat 28-Sep-13 16:30:30

Thank you all. This kind of hard thinking advice is just what I need. Keep it coming!

I did end the affair so that I could try and look honestly at my marriage. In a way the affair was a running away from my problems rather than facing them... What it has actually done is heighten them and leave me in a mess!

Greive and move on is exactly what is needed to be done. I am trying it is just not easy... I think I thought ending things would mean I could be rid of my guilt and back in my marriage as if it never happened (I am aware how naive and selfish that sounds) instead I'm in a strange unreality of being neither here nor there.

One day at a time....

cupcake78 Sat 28-Sep-13 17:27:23

I think the guilt gets a lot worse before it gets better and I have heard many people say it never fully goes away. The point is your just human. Nothing more, nothing less. We are all fallible. It was a one off. Your not down the pub every weekend looking for sex or on the internet seeking out someone else just for the thrill.

There has never been a time in history when affairs have not been mentioned or suggested. As much as people will judge and vilify you for this and tell you how terrible it is. It simply makes you no worse than all the other millions of people finding themselves in your situation. Sorry to tell you this but your pretty average. Yes I will get flamed for this.

At least try and learn from the experience and do your best to turn what is a very painful time into something useful and ideally positive for the future of your children! That does not mean blowing your family life apart because of what people tell you is morally right. It means by all means split up with your dh if your unhappy and can't save the relationship.

At least next time you hear of someone having an affair etc your less likely to judge.

Duckeggblues Sat 28-Sep-13 17:39:33

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worsestershiresauce Sat 28-Sep-13 17:58:42

Duck you sound like you are stuck in a rut and unhappy. Take it from me, better a rocket to wake up your life than another 10 years trudging along in functioning misery. What example does that set to your dds as well? Children aren't stupid, they see an awful lot more than we give them credit for. Wouldn't it be better for them to learn what a healthy happy relationship is? Wouldn't it be better for them to carry forward that model to their own future relationships than the one they are currently living with?

There is no right answer here, but I think you would be happir if you took control of your life and made some decisions.

iambatgirl Sun 29-Sep-13 00:00:22

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Annabelllll Mon 30-Sep-13 22:22:53

Good evenond Duck smile
How r u doing?

I'm stuck. I'm silently grieving the OM and not really fully focused on my partner. Its awful. DP is good and honest man, fantastic father and we r a good family so to speak.
I think we could carry on our lives together but the affair made me relaize that I'm passionate and inteligent woman that is capable of a lot! I forgot about that! smile :/
OM made me feel like a woman, real woman. I miss that.
I do know that its a fantasy in my head and that the reality of dirty socks would kick in but still... I'm absolutely crazy about him. Dreadful situaction to be in :/

Annabelllll Wed 02-Oct-13 22:09:45

Sadly this thread died...

FrancescaBell Wed 02-Oct-13 22:50:29

That's not terribly surprising is it?

It's a mess.

OP has long gone. Loads of deletions and text speak. Plus I should think some posters have been sitting on their hands trying not to write an angry post or two grin

It would be interesting to read all the posts that have been written for this one, which got deleted after a preview...wink

Tigermax Fri 04-Oct-13 10:34:29

Hi - I've been away for a while - holiday and job related trips so not been dwelling on this or had time to catch up on this post. Anyway - Worsestershiresauce's post has completely rung true to me. I have been convincing myself I'm doing the right thing by prioritizing my husband, marriage and kids - when what I am really doing is being distant, uncommunicative and cold towards my husband. It's just as bad as cheating on him becasue I am not commiting to our relationship - I am not interested in my house/home, do not want to plan anything (eg Xmas holiday) and my kids must surely notice this. Have decided to move out for a while and I am breaking the news tonight. I realise I am extremely lucky - I have somewhere to go, my kids have both sets of adoring grandparents close by, I have a good job and a good network of friends and family. I realise there are some of you out there in different situations and I have complete respect and sympathy for this. I have to accept that this doesn't make me a bad person, and that every marriage has it's ups and downs and some just aren't meant to be forever. It is all so very sad and upsetting though and it's awful subjecting someone else to heartbreak..... How are you getting on Duckegg and Annabellll

maxophuls Fri 04-Oct-13 17:15:58

Well, this is really touching a nerve with me -- I've namechanged for this. I've been there too. OM had been a close friend for years, we fell deeply in love, partners found out and hell broke loose, we could have gone for it there and then but couldn't due to children and other very complex and delicate circumstances. We broke all contact, families too. This was half a decade ago, and I've been waiting for the healing powers of time to work their wonders, but all I feel is regret that I lost the love of my life. I haven't been able to give my husband what he needs and deserves either, as part of me died then and I will always love someone else. Also, recently I bumped into OM and we had a coffee and spoke about what happened, we hadn't talked for years and it became obvious within minutes that our feelings haven't changed, we've been thinking of each other for years but it's just impossible, and we both feel like frauds on top of everything! My only consolation is that my and his DC have had both their parents around all these years, with no real disruption to their lives... but they are growing up quickly and I fear that even greater regret is still to come.

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