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We're nasty to each other constantly - advice needed please

(30 Posts)
SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 10:59:33

I have NC'd for this post.

Husband and I have two children, dd (21months) and ds (7 weeks old).

Since ds was born things between s have go incredibly bad, to the point where we argue and fight more than we're not. We're rarely civil to each other let alone nice, and I don't think I can continue this way.

Dd has never been a good sleeper, and is up every 2 hours at best, every 45 Monday worst. Husband doesn't want to help at night and says h is happy to leave dd to cry to sleep, and ds for me to deal with. If ask for help, he becomes angry, aggressive and nasty. He called me a c*nt this morning and regularly mocks me or tells dd nasty things about me in front of me during arguments, for example "dd lets ignore mummy she's insane! She's mentally unstable!".

I do all the parenting, finances, housework, dinners, and on mat leave so will be back at work on 6 months.

I am unwell at the moment and am crying non stop at the thought of going it alone with two small children as I don't think I can carry on with livin like this.

Is there any advice you can give that will help? I've tried asking him to leave the house or go in another room when he starts becoming aggressive amd vicious to clm down, then discuss the issue but being called a c*nt a lot and bing told I am insane is starting to wear me down. I have also suggested we write own our concerns when we're angry and then discuss them, but again this hasn't worked.

We have no family to watch the children if we go to counselling, and friends are childless and have said they're of scared to look after children.

What else can we do?

bb99 Mon 23-Sep-13 14:24:51

OP financially he would need to contribute to the kids.

Don't get stuck in the loop of mortgage, kids love him and occasionally he actually does the bare minimum. It won't change IME. My DH is still a dick. Had an amazingly lovely summer (while he was working away 5 days and nights a week) now he's back home working and it's the same sorry story. My DH just can't (chooses not to) cope with family life and work. And obviously it's all my fault because I am such a...ahem, won't go into details. It's all ok so long as I am running everything but his job, but as soon as I need a bit of help, say if I'm under the weather, the wheels fall off and the shouting starts. I am terrified of the financial implications of separating as I foolishly gave up my career for this, ha ha ha.

I would say the kids adjust better when they are young. Being not good at relationships I left my first partner when DC1 was 2 years ld and it seems to have worked out ok (except for DH...)

Think about what you want from life for you and DCs and find out about the finances, then you will be in a better position to decide.

Good luck again!

Meerka Mon 23-Sep-13 14:23:36

Oh good grief this is awful. Not least what sort of example is this for the children? You want your son to grow up thinking this is ok behaviour to a woman or your daughter thinking this is normally how men behave? Please, go and read the thread on People Who Stayed Together for the Children!!

Please, this is not right and you need help to either get out, or get him out.

And yes, get external advice - Women's Aid, solicitor or the police. This is not normal behaviour and grabbing your child off you is worrying in the context of the appalling language and attitude he shows.

being nice some of the time doesnt count. A person shows what their real char when they're angry and I'm afraid your husband comes out of it very badly.

It seems that for some reason he thinks raising children is women's work. He obviously thinks that because he works all day he should have time off. Does he realise that you are also working hard and you also need some time to yourself? or does he realise this but instead of offering to help creates an argument so he can justify to himself why he isn't helping you?

I suspect that in his head he would like to show off his family "look what I have, look what I have achieved" when in actual fact all he has done is to continue his bachelor lifestyle of working and having lads time after hours. Wouldn't you like to also only work 40 hrs and then have time off? I bet you would. But raising a family and keeping a home isn't conducive with this.

He needs to grow up and realise that having a family is hard work and it is his work too, not just yours. It means making compromises and giving up some "me" time.

MissDD1971 Mon 23-Sep-13 13:42:59

Pay to get someone to look after the kids.

It does sound like abuse but maybe Relate could help first.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 23-Sep-13 13:40:17

Staying for financial reasons is no good reason at all to stay either.

I also asked you what you got from this relationship now, you left that question unanswered. I can only guess why but I could also assume that you left it unanswered because you really get nothing at all from this relationship now.

You and he should not be together; a toxic household will damage your children as well. What do you want to teach them about relationships, surely not this awful role model?.

captainmummy Mon 23-Sep-13 13:34:05

He doesn't get enough time to himself? Whereas you get absolutely loads !!!!

You are backtracking now, telling us how nice he is letting you have a shower, occassionally cooking a meal. These are things that he should be doing anyway, this is not him being nice.
You could SO cope on your own.

Yorkieaddict Mon 23-Sep-13 13:30:40

You have several months until you need to go back to work. I know it is easy for us to say, but I really think if you could separate, even temporarily, you might feel so much more able to cope without him sapping your energy constantly. You would at least have chance to think clearly then, and decide what you actually want. He sounds appalling!

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:25:19

I'm not perfect? He lets you have a shower? Add 'he's kind to animals' to that list and you can shout 'house' in the abuse victim justification for sticking around game.

This is about self-respect, safety, peace of mind and confidence. With him under the same roof you have none of those things. All that stuff about mortgages dinners and toddlers loving him are just objections masking the truth which is that your confidence is so shattered by his behaviour that you don't think you deserve to be happy.

BarbarianMum Mon 23-Sep-13 13:22:12

Nothing in you post makes it sound like he loves you, or respects you or has any concerns for you at all tbh. Nor does he sound like a good father. Sorry sad he sounds really selfish 'he never gets enough time for himself ffs'

You sound like a single parent right now tbh. Was he very hands on when you were at work or did you do everything then too?

SheldorAFK Mon 23-Sep-13 13:11:52

Thank you all. I am doing most things on my own, but financially I couldn't coupe withut his income - same with him. We need both incomes to pay the mortgage. We're in negative equity as it is and paying interest only, so with just my income, I couldn't afford to put both dc into nursery in order to go to work to any the mortgage and bills on my own.

I also feel like I couldn't cope with life on my own. He does sometimes make dinners and is an extra pair of hands when I need a quick shower etc.

He also does love the children, and the toddler talks about him constantly when he's not home for her bedtime because he's out drinking with his friends.

We also used to be each others best friend, we used to be so close but it's got so bad now that we can barely be in the same room as each other without an argument.

Also, I'm not perfect, I get overly tired and snap. He also accuses me of nagging him and says he never gets enough time to himself.

I don't think we can accurately predict whether OP is in that much danger.

bb99 Mon 23-Sep-13 12:32:23


I don't think he'll change, but I do think other things will change - your son won't always be a newborn who doesn't do sleeping, your daughter will also grow and be less needy (possibly especially if you have a calmer environment) and as you are already coping, despite your partner's best efforts, you will always be able to cope and will get better and better at coping.

Remember YOU are NOT CRAZY. My DH says this when he's being unreasonable, it's a good power tool, to try and undermine the other person.

As I said, I don't think he'll change, at least not for the better. I wish you luck and wisdom. It's such a hard decision to make, especially when you are in the middle of it. 6 years after my DH finished morphing into a dick, I am still unsure what to do. Hopefully you'll sort things out a bit quicker. It doesn't change IME! Good Luck!

SomethingOnce Mon 23-Sep-13 12:31:21

I'm sure you would cope admirably on your own, out of this stressful situation.

It's bad for you and it's very bad for your children. I think you should ask him to leave.

VenusDeWillendorf Mon 23-Sep-13 12:30:50

Call the police and get a barring order.
He's abusive.

You are ALL in danger of death.

Wake up girl!

lalalonglegs Mon 23-Sep-13 12:30:21

You seem to be doing most of this on your own anyway so I think you would be a lot better off without having the tension he creates at home. It sounds horrible.

I do think that you are very worn down by exhaustion - you haven't had a decent night's sleep in almost two years. Your husband may have a point that your daughter needs to learn to sleep through (for her sake as well as yours) - letting her cry it out isn't for everyone but I would urge you to address her sleep. Once you have solved that - and with some distance from your husband - I think you will be surprised by what you can manage.

Good luck smile.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Mon 23-Sep-13 12:21:29

Hi OP. Your partner is a cunt, and an increasingly dangerous one.

It's the fact that he not only abuses you in front of the children, but is willing to use physical force on your DD TO DELIBERATELY DISTRESS YOU.

What next? Slapping? Punching? Strangling? Either get him out or run. You are all in danger.

AttilaTheMeerkat Mon 23-Sep-13 11:56:58

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

As for not being able to manage without him, I think you would all do a darn sight better without him being around. You're doing everything as it is.

No, he is patently not a good father if he treats you their mother like this. There is no excuse or justification for his actions. Women often write the good father comment also when they themselves have nothing positive to write about their man.

You and he should not be together; you and your children are being damaged by living with him.

Please call Womens Aid, they can and will help you here.

FavoriteThings Mon 23-Sep-13 11:45:06

Can you move in with your family for a few months? You need physical help. Not sleeping is a killer to all sorts of things.

HenriettaPye Mon 23-Sep-13 11:37:26

He wouldn't let your child cuddle you?sad He's a nasty abusive piece of shit! You deserve so much better and so do your children. Surely you don't want your children growing up around this?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 11:29:10

I understand that you think you can't cope alone but you are certainly not coping with him there. You sound ground down, frightened, upset, nervous, your self-confidence is on its arse, you're exhausted and the reason for all that is standing there calling you a cunt... hmm Almost every abuse victim says they have a nice relationship when they aren't being shouted at when they're actually confusing 'cessation of abuse' with 'kindness'.

Send him away and I am willing to bet your DS will be calmer, more settled, and your DD won't need so much attention. Small children pick up on a bad atmosphere and his behaviour is creating that atmosphere.

Womens Aid is a very good idea.

He's an abusive bully. By saying "mummy is insane" he clearly would like to think he has the power to make you quite literally go insane. He probably feels justified in thinking this way because he feels that you should be able to manage everything alone, when you fail and need help it just proves his point in his warped mind. He is undermining you, the fact that having two children under 3yrs is very hard work passes him by because he would never admit that he could do more. To admit that he should do more to help you means he would have to shoulder some responsibility.

Do you think he panics and feels overwhelmed by all the demands of work, house, crying baby? I bet he does. However I bet you do too but much more so because you are being actively demoralised and undermined. Perhaps he feel tired and stressed? I bet he probably does but I bet you are more so because you are under the extra stress of walking on egg shells around this selfish man child.

Counselling may help but I would suggest he is the one in need a counselling and you need a break and some down time.

hellsbellsmelons Mon 23-Sep-13 11:24:01

I think you will feel much calmer with him out of the house.
I also think your children will be much more relaxed and happy out of this toxic environment.
You will amazed how you will cope.
He sounds useless anyway.
And he is ABUSING you!
Calling you names and calling you mental and trying to turn your DD against you. Big, fat, flying red flags there!
Tell him to leave while you get some head space and time away from him.
Listen to Cogito she is always right!!!
You can and you will cope and in fact you'll find it much easier.

lemonstartree Mon 23-Sep-13 11:23:23

We are nasty to each other constantly

No AFAICS HE is nasty to YOU , very nasty indeed. Is this what he thinks is normal ? is this how he wants it to be ? is he prepared to try and change things ? because if not, what, exactly, is the point ?

Dahlen Mon 23-Sep-13 11:23:05

You say you don't think you could cope on your own, but you already are. You're doing everything already. The only difference being on your own would make is that the poisonous atmosphere you're in would disappear.

I'd hazard a guess that without this toxic relationship dragging you down, you'll find both DC a lot easier to manage. I'd also be completely unsurprised if both children started sleeping better, too. Pre-verbal children are incredibly sensitive to picking up emotions, and your H's aggression and your unhappiness will be contributing to the poor sleep and clingy behaviour.

What's the legal/financial situation regarding the house, etc?

Leverette Mon 23-Sep-13 11:20:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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