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Please advise me

(38 Posts)
mirrorme Sun 22-Sep-13 19:57:57

Wasn't at all sure where to post this and couldn't really find anywhere relevant, so I'm sorry. Also have nc as know people in rl on here.
I was watching the news the other day (i think friday) and it was the story about the adults who groom children, making them think they are their age and then blackmailing them once they have something over them iyswim.
I was a victim of this as a teenager (probably around 15 years old, I am now 22). I always thought that it was my fault and never said a word to anyone because I was scared of what people would say and knew I should never have sent anything anyway. There is alot of detail to this story but not sure how much detail I should go into as I don't want to upset anyone or anything, but it does follow the general pattern as mentioned on the news- i.e photos, blackmail etc, this was a cycle that carried on for about 3 years. He made a fake account of me and put up various photos on a social networking site at one point when I said I wouldn't send him any more photos.
He finally disappeared eventually (not sure why, possibly because of my age). I have never mentioned this to anyone at all. I am wondering if there is anything I could do. He was not from this country. I feel absolutely terrible that he might (and most probably is) still doing this to other young girls.
I feel sick seeing all this written down. I am just asking for some advice as to whether there is anything I can do now.
Thank you in advance x

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 11:42:18

Thank you cogito, it really does help to put myself in that position actually. I will speak to my SARC counsellor and see what she says.
It does feel like a massive relief saying it on here. I hope I can be brave enough to say it in rl.
Thank you xxxx

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 11:43:38

FWIW you sound very brave to me smile How about printing out the thread and taking it along as an ice-breaker?

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 11:59:34

Thank you I don't feel it at all. That is a really good idea, I am going to see her tomorrow so I could do that.
I don't want any one to be angry at me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 12:27:10

He may have convinced 15yo you that, if you ever told the truth and spoke out, people would be angry at you (or wouldn't believe you or they'd be ashamed of you etc) but surely you can see now that was purely manipulation? No-one would have been angry at you then and they won't be now.

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 12:58:17

I feel I should have known better I wasn't a young teenager or even a young 15 year old iyswim.
I do feel people will be angry but I think I still need to say it now.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:34:45

The whole point of adolescence is that we can make mistakes and hopefully learn from them on the road to adulthood Does your comment that you weren't 'a young teenager' mean that your 15yo self was a bit on the wild side or thought she was streetwise? The reason the age of consent stays where it is is because 14yos 15yos - no matter how grown-up they appear - are not mature enough to make certain decisions and this make them very vulnerable.

Who will be angry?

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 13:39:45

I had to grow up quickly at home etc and thought I was streetwise although I just felt lost tbh but i think that's common to feel like that.
My dad will be so angry. He was always so strict with me and never knew I was on these sites etc. He doesn't know about the rape or violence charges against my ex.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 13:50:10

You realise a psychologist will tell you that growing up being dominated by an angry, distant, judgemental father probably made your encounters with abusive men later on more rather than less likely? Was it all strictness and anger from your father? Did you crave attention and affection? And how terribly sad that you don't feel able to tell him that you were attacked by your ex.

Buzzardbird Mon 23-Sep-13 13:56:14

mirror you are very brave and hopefully the reason the contact with him stopped was because he was arrested. He may not have been from another country as it is unlikely that anything he told you was the truth.
If he was arrested you would not have necessarily been contacted by the police as I have had some similar experience recently.
I think talking to your counsellor will be an excellent place to get the ball rolling and advise you on what to do next.
Good luck to you mirror

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 14:06:27

Cogito- no my dad was lovely- generous, kind, funny and loving but also very strict and we knew not to cross him- he had strict boundaries and rules in place and I crossed these when I went on these sites etc.
I think though that yes he will be angry if I tell him about this- we are close as a father and daughter but I cannot and have not ever been able to talk to him about issues in my life etc. I think he will see it as being my fault as he was very specific in telling me not to talk to people I don't know etc on the Internet.
Buzzard- thank you very much for your supportive message, that was lovely, it would be good if he had been arrested. I think he was from abroad as his flag and time zone were all different etc i.e the settings that I don't think can be changed?

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 23-Sep-13 14:24:20

You can't be genuinely close with someone if you can't tell them the truth of your life. All you're giving him are approval-seeking edited highlights because you fear a backlash if he knew the full story. When you modify your behaviour or lie about something out of fear, the person you are fearful of is usually a bully.... no matter how funny, kind and generous they are.

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 14:32:01

Cogito I do understand your point but I don't feel that my dad was or is any kind of bully- yes I do seek his approval, no I don't tell him everything but I have never really been that daughter- my sisters are all very open with him.
I don't know. Maybe I am wrong.
Thank you x

mirrorme Mon 23-Sep-13 17:01:32

Sorry have just realised how many times I have said 'etc' in my posts blush

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