STBXH and my work ...

[StackOverflow]

I separated from STBXH a few months ago. One of several reasons for this was that he was excessively clingy and kept on demanding more and more attention, love, sex, ... etc. from me.

He has not really accepted that I'm not coming back and still clings to me a lot (e.g. wanting to do things together as friends all the time etc.). He keeps on telling me I'll come back and he'll fight until I do. He's also been in a shit job ever since we moved here last year. I've been supporting him financially even though we're separated.

Now STBXH is telling me that he won't need my help anymore because he's found a great new job. WITH MY COMPANY!

Now my company is quite big and we are unlikely to work together on a daily basis. Still, I feel completely claustrophobic about this. It's not as though he has made any effort to apply to any other firm, just mine. I have a strong inkling that the only reason he made an effort this time is me.

I told him I had very mixed feelings about this. Now he's saying that I'm pissing on his parade, that I should be happy that he's found a great position, that I'm being irrational and spiteful. And I feel obediently guilty.

Am I out of line?

[MissStrawberry]

"Obediently guilty"? what a horrible way to live.

I wonder if a chat with HR is in order. Make it clear you are divorcing and you are not prepared to work with him, or have any connections to him at all.

[clam]

Yuuuuuuuuurrrrkkkkk!

I'm feeling claustrophobic and trapped on your behalf! I know you didn't ask but no, YANBU!

[StackOverflow]

Thanks! I did not feel as though I was BU initially, but when I explained my issues to him he just sounded so ... sensible ... about it that I started to doubt the legitimacy of my own feelings. Again. Another reason why I left ...

I am having one of my regular meetings with my boss next week, and I am planning on bringing this issue up with him. Hope he understands.

[Dahlen]

No you're not. I think it does indeed sound as though he's taken this job for all the wrong reasons and I think most people would feel very uncomfortable in your position. However, I also think the wisest course of action is a cool but polite congratulations and to let him get on with it. Either he'll make a go of the job successfully, and in doing so will probably get over you and cease with the clinginess. Or, the real motive for getting this job will be so transparent he won't be able to do the job well and will end up leaving quite quickly.

I would, however, just put something in an email to him along the lines of you're really pleased for him, wish him every success, blah blah, but please can he be mindful that at work your only connection is a professional one. Polite friendly contact should you bump into each other or have to touch base on a professional matter is to be welcomed, but that's as far as it goes.

This means that if he escalates to stalking or harassing you, you have proof that you have already discussed levels of appropriate contact with him. It will help stop things escalating much more quickly. Although hopefully that won't be necessary and seeing you at work getting on with your life will actually help him lose the denial and get on with his.

[StackOverflow]

... actually the thing about STBXH making me doubt the legitimacy of my own feelings has been a recurring feature of our relationship. Can't believe this still works!

[StackOverflow]

Email is another great suggestion. Thanks!

[Optimist1]

I can understand why you have mixed feelings, but my first thought was that you would cease to be supporting him, therefore cutting more ties with him.

How concerned you should be about his proposed new role depends on a few things - is he the type to attempt to make trouble for you inhouse? will he be going in at a more senior position to you? I agree with MissS that a chat with HR would be a good idea - make it clear you are divorcing and outline the fears you have about him being an employee of the company. Your value to the company will undoubtedly be a factor in the way they approach the situation. I guess he'll have a probationary period? If so, at least you can hopefully be sure that he'll behave himself for this time.

[tallwivglasses]

Stop supporting him!

[StackOverflow]

I absolutely intend to stop supporting him. Where we live (not UK) I'm legally obliged to because we're still married. As Optimist says, him having a better income will at least cut him loose in that way.

Luckily for me he's also joining in a position less senior than my own. This obviously does not mean that he won't take every opportunity to unleash the iron claw of possessiveness on me at each and every networking event the company hosts.

What I'm really afraid of, though, is that he'll be best buddies with the senior management five minutes after his arrival. This is something STBXH does exceptionally well. Myself, I'm more the slightly shy but hardworking and intelligent type. I will never be hearing the end of his success stories and tales of his mountaineering adventures with big boss XYZ! And naturally, I'll be lectured on how much faster I'd get promoted if I followed his lead ...

I guess this hits me especially hard because my work became somewhat of a refuge to me during those last few months of my very unhappy marriage. It's where I found the confidence to finally leave him. And now it feels as though he's encroaching on my safe space.

Gah! I'm so unspeakably angry at him for doing this to me!

[RandomMess]

Think I'd be job hunting myself tbh! I'd hate it too.

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

He is a wind-up merchant. He can pretend he just happened to land a job where you work but I don't see why you should clap or do handstands about it.

[StackOverflow]

He can't even pretend that. You don't just 'happen' to land a job there. My company has a lengthy selection process (about which he naturally knew everything, having seen me go through it - slight advantage right there! Plus he's already bragged about how he told a few white lies to the recruiter, such as claiming to know no other people working there!).

I did briefly consider looking for something else, Random, but I don't want to change my job! I love this job! My managers are great and very supportive, I've just made promotion within the minimum amount of time possible, the money is good, my client likes my work and I WAS THERE FIRST FFS!

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

You sound more cross than guilty so that's progress. Don't let him spoil your enjoyment of your career.

[RandomMess]

Hate to say it but he sounds creepy. You may have to still support him financially but you don't have to communicate with him about anything else surely?

[LookingThroughTheFog]

God, Stack, that really doesn't sound good!

I think your best bet at this point is just to say 'great, you won't need any other contact with me then,' and cut him off.

You're not required to join in his parade. Don't feel guilty about not doing so.

[Dahlen]

Plus he's already bragged about how he told a few white lies to the recruiter, such as claiming to know no other people working there!)

When you speak to HR, please make sure you mention this. The advantage he had from watching you go through the process, plus this little "white lie" means that he has joined this company on completely false pretences. They need to know about that.

[AdoraBell]

He lied. Said he doesn't know Anyone already working for the company.

Do they regard this kind of deciet as good thing in prospective employees? Are they actively recuiting liars? Is lying listed in any Job desciption the company publishes?

Talk to HR.

[MissStrawberry]

And stop supporting him financially!

[StackOverflow]

Pretty sure lying is not condoned, no.

That having been said: I'm terrified of what he will do if he gets fired on my account. There's every chance he'll just happen to move in next door. I will speak to HR, though. I'll also speak to my line manager tomorrow and ask that he not be staffed on my current client account. He's a decent guy (manager, STBXH not so much); pretty sure he'll understand.

Creepy? Yes, I know it's bloody creepy. But then this is a man who says stuff like 'nobody will ever love you the way I do - not even your own mother!' We've passed creepy a loooooong time ago, doesn't really freak me out any longer ...

[3littlefrogs]

Lying about not knowing/having connections with anyone else in the same company is a serious thing. HR need to know. He has lied on his application form and at interview. Not a good start.

[PiratePanda]

Did he seriously think his lie about not knowing anyone at your company would not be found out the minute he walked through the door? Your his (STBX) wife FFS!

Tell HR about the situation, purely because they need to know that the nature of your relationship will make wirking with him awkward. Then sit back and see if they connect the dots...

No, you shouldn't have to change jobs because of him. But you may have to if your safety becomes an issue, and U'm afraid I think he sounds like a potential stalker.

[Dahlen]

I didn't want to alarm you earlier, but I had alarm bells ringing then, and based on your last post, I think you really need to leave a documented trail of all this. I wouldn't go to the police quite yet, but I would like you to seriously consider it if there are future developments.

Your STBXH is displaying some classic markers of a stalker, some of them serious. Many people find it hard to let go of a relationship. Most absolutely do not go as far as this. Hopefully your STBXH will come to his senses soon, but if he doesn't you'll be very glad if you have everything already set in place to deal with him swiftly and effectively.

First of all, send that email setting out in clear terms what level of contact you consider appropriate outside of work (to deal with divorce, DC etc) and inside work (professional only, etc).

Second, speak to HR. Tell them everything. Please do not be embarrassed about airing your personal life. Present it as the height of professionalism (after all, you've not allowed anything to affect your performance to date), making it mainly about how you are worried that your STBXHs behaviour at work and towards you could compromise the company. Please point out the stalking behaviour and say that while part of you doesn't want to appear as though you're trying to sabotage his new job, the fact that he has gained the job on false pretences and is pressurising you means you doubt his motives. Tell them that you don't want them to fire him, but you want the situation monitored and on record so that should your STBXH behave inappropriately at work, you can all follow correct procedures meaning you are protected and your STBXH will have no case for unfair dismissal, etc. Keep it professional. Your company will thank you and it will prevent your STBXH from cosying up to the MD etc because believe me, they will be wary of him after that.

THen just get on with your life, following your own imposed guidelines on interaction. If STBXH oversteps the mark at work, inform HR. If that doesn't stop it, go to the police. If he oversteps the mark outside of work, allow him one transgression only. Tell him (in email) to stop and inform him that further transgressions will result in police action. Then do it if he ignores you.

I really hope you don't need any of this advice, but it never hurts to have your back covered.

[3littlefrogs]

I agree Dahlen.

The first thing that came into my head when I read the op was "stalker".

OP you need to take a step back and see this the way it is. You have dealt with his behaviour for so long you may not have realised how sinister it all sounds.

[MissStrawberry]

When is he due to start work there?

[Golferman]

The Christmas night out for your company should be fun then........