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just had the MOTHER of all arguments with "D"H!

(32 Posts)
freshwaterpearl Sun 22-Sep-13 13:36:01

And some pretty horrible things were said. it all came to a head last night. our sex life isn't great and never has been. (DH suffers from ED) i blew my top after another failed attempt. so humiliating for both of us. i told him i didn't like having sex with him. i just came out with it. i slept in the spare bedroom to avoid the row. he's devastated but went on the verbal attack today and has told me some truths about my character. i am selfish and self-absorbed. he does everything he can for me, and i am a twat for wanting a good sex life. can i not be happy with what we've got. (2 grown-up DC's, good holidays and are about to move to a lovely new house). Apparently my dad warned him about this when we were getting married 19 years ago. I am a horrible, greedy woman. i think we're done. We can't buy a new house with everything that entails (bigger morgtgage, bills, financial pressures) if he has so little respect for me. how can we have a relationship and commit to the next step if when we row all this comes out. i resent him massively for our crap sex life. he won't take Viagra. i don't know why and i don't know what to do. i am completely floored. it's me right? i need to look in the mirror and take stock. i told him yesterday (when we were friendly) that a 'friend' has said she would find it funny if our house purchase went wrong and we had to be rrepossessed. DH said, there's a reason for that. You're not a nice person. So. there it is. Any thoughts anyone? WWUD?

CailinDana Sun 22-Sep-13 14:14:46

Talk to him again when you're both calm and have mature discussion. If you can't do that then try counselling and if that doesn't work split up.

Btw if say you couldn't have sex because of a birth injury would you be ok with your dh reacting to you the way you react to him?

differentnameforthis Sun 22-Sep-13 14:28:55

WWID? I wouldn't have said those harsh words to my dh who was having issues like that! To be honest his ED isn't going to improve while you spout hurtful shit, op! It will cause anxiety which will exacerbate the problem, because everytime he tries, your words will ring in his ears. (and yes, dh & I have been there & it took patience & time to correct it. It isn;t perfect now, very hit & miss. Because of this we have different ways to be intimate & don't put the emphasis on PIV sex)

I do see what he said was hurtful, and uncalled for, but he was being attacked & you can bet your last penny that he feels this more than you do.

I can imagine that you would feel the same if it were you with the problem & he said he didn't want sex with you anymore.

I have no idea how old either of you are, but as we age our bodies start to fail us. It can be very hard to come to terms with that, ans just as men can't know what it is like to carry & give birth, women have no idea what it is like to lose a very important function of male adult hood.

You need to withdraw from the fight & talk when calm.

starfishmummy Sun 22-Sep-13 14:33:03

What Caline says. Have a mature discussion. Although to be frank, from your post, I doubt if you are capable of that.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 14:36:55

You don't sound like you have much respect for him either if you put him down sexually.

differentnameforthis Sun 22-Sep-13 14:37:07

i resent him massively for our crap sex life. he won't take Viagra I never resented dh because there is more to sex than a penis inside you. Yes, that bit is nice, but if that is lacking, haven't you tried anything else? We went without PIV for several months after dd2 was born, due to my not being able to take hormonal contraception and being allergic to latex & not being able to buy latex free condoms here (seriously, you have no idea how hard to find they are in Australia, ALL the pharmacists I tried said they won't buy them in as they don't sell, and even the adult shops said the same) and we kept things going in other ways.

And this is also how we got back to normal in light of dhs issues. We just took PIV completely off the table. As soon as he wasn't expected to perform, just relax & do other stuff, it started to help.

I can understand him not wanting to take something that he knows nothing about, doesn't know what side effects could be.

it's me right? i need to look in the mirror and take stock It isn't just you. You both need a new approach to this. And you both need to stop blaming each other.

But I guess it depends how much you want to try, and why would a friend say such a spiteful thing?

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 14:38:35

I imagine he said all that because he was hurt and embarrassed tbh. Sexual performance is a very personal thing and that was a horrible way to treat it, however frustrated you must feel. Id apologize if I were you.

TheProsAndConsOfHitchhiking Sun 22-Sep-13 14:39:31

How very insensitive of You op. Your poor dh is having some very personal problems and all you can do is attack him?

He must be feeling very insecure and embarrassed and all you can do is tell him you don't like having sex with him?

It sounds like your DH is right, You do sound selfish and self-absorbed and also quite horrible.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 14:40:59

And you can seek medical help, together if want to, for the ED. But i suspect the problem runs deeper than that.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 22-Sep-13 14:46:44

I think that was a bridge-burning conversation tbh. That combination of home truths and deliberately hurtful stuff on both sides isn't something you come back from easily. I don't see any reason why you'd want to continue living together given that you are both so unhappy with each other.

Xenadog Sun 22-Sep-13 14:47:39

I feel quite sorry for your DH, OP. I think if he is suffering from ED then he needs some support and just taking Viagra is probably not going to get to the root of the problem. I think if you said hurtful things to him you do need to apologise as your DH must feel utterly emasculated by what you said.

I do however, understand how frustrated you must feel because of a lack of sex life but rather than going on the attack why not work with him and suggest ways you can both deal with this?

As for his horrible comments to you, we'll I guess he was hitting back as he was so hurt by you. It doesn't mean he was right and hopefully if you offer a conciliatory word or two he will apologise.

kalidanger Sun 22-Sep-13 14:48:56

Is your sex life your of issue? Or are you routinely vivacious to each other over a variety of matters?

kalidanger Sun 22-Sep-13 14:49:27

only issue

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 14:53:11

Also, he may see you advocating the viagra as a selfish thing as it only papers over the cracks of another physical/mental problem so you can still function. And you've not said what the cause is suspected to be, i.e age, stress, emotional etc. If you haven't shown much concern about why it's happening or seemed very supportive and just tried to get him to take viagra then I'd imagine he does feel it's all a bit selfish & in turn that makes the ED worse.

ChippingInNeedsSleepAndCoffee Sun 22-Sep-13 14:56:05

It doesn't sound like either of you are happy with the relationship or each other.

I think you should withdraw your offer on the other house and have a good hard think about whether you want to be together still or not. Life is too short to be unhappy & to make someone else unhappy.

differentnameforthis Sun 22-Sep-13 14:57:12

Agree with TheOrcHeadKeeper re viagra use & your reasons for wanting him to use it.

It sounds like you see sex as the-be-all-&-end-all. Perhaps he resents feeling like you just want him for sex & sees you pushing viagra as another hint to that?

Again, one that will not help his condition.

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 15:01:59

I don't mean to seem harsh but your first post doesn't read very well and it's all we have to go on.

Dahlen Sun 22-Sep-13 16:42:03

I don't think you've even begun to touch on the issues that are really at play here.

What sort of friend would say she would find it funny if your house was repossessed? Why would anyone say that? Did she give a reason? And if not, why do you think she said that? Did she mean you specifically, or you as in a couple? Why has your H chosen to assume she meant only you, do you think?

Are you financially independent of your DH? What's the housework balance like? Who is the decision maker in your relationship?

What was the basis of your relationship when you first got together? Was it all about sex then? Is that part of the reason you feel cheated now - because you feel you've been sold a lie?

Why don't you know why your H won't take viagra? Does he refuse to discuss it?

I don't think it's at all unreasonable for you to feel fed up about a lack of sex life and your H's refusal to do anything about it. However, if you're going to get angry about it, you first have to be absolutely sure that you're dealing with a wilful intent to reject your needs in the relationship. If you don't actually know what the problem is or why your H won't address it, you don't know that. It could be a medical condition for which viagra is contraindicated, for example.

Genuine question - you ask if it is you. Do you think it could be? Are you routinely critical of others? Negative in your outlook? Constantly finding fault in things? Or is that only how you're viewed by your H/feel like when you're with him?

ThePinkOcelot Sun 22-Sep-13 17:48:01

Wow Fresh! You blew your top?! I think you need to apologise to him TBH. He must be feeling crap right now. I think this will take a lot of coming back from.

freshwaterpearl Sun 22-Sep-13 18:47:42

ok. we've talked. things are much better. i've apologised for b eing so horrible. i've taken on board the comments good and bad. we do love each other. i blew my top as you say and i shouldn't have done. but. this has helped. I really have been considerate and patient over the years, but there are times when i wrongly lose it. thank you for the feedback. it's given me a wake up call. my poor DH. sad

TheOrcHeadKeeper Sun 22-Sep-13 19:39:21

If you're generally patient/understanding then hopefully this is a one off sort of thing, though be prepared for what you said to haunt him a little until the memory fades IYSWIM.

Good that you talked.

freshwaterpearl Sun 22-Sep-13 19:59:26

thank you Orch. i've taken on board everything you've said. i feel so bad about it. but hopefully we're on the right track. Also thank you DiffentName/Xenadog, your comments are a great help. Prosandcons- you're right. i was self-absorbed and horrible last night. but enough of that. i'm going to fix it. But he has a bit of fixing to do as well.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 22-Sep-13 21:14:14

Sounds pretty even in the disrespecting stakes to me. Think you've done the right thing apologising and starting a chat. Hope you can work through it x

Xenadog Sun 22-Sep-13 21:18:50

Fresh that's all a really positive start. It sounds like a lot of talking and some professional help will get you on the right track but I imagine it might be a bit of a long haul.

I wish you and DH well.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 22-Sep-13 21:52:08

A bloke with ED and who takes Viagra writes:

Delurking, now there's a reason to do so.

Viagra is not a magic pill. It acts as a signal amplifier for arousal, and if the arousal doesn't get started, or lessens during sex, it will stop working. It is not without side effects, and these effects are worse if an erection isn't sustained. Headache, flushing, feeling agitated etc: In my experience, the price of joy is a moderate hangover. That's the low dose. The medium/high dose is horrible.

Basically, you've got to really WANT to take it, and you've got to be suitable medically.


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