I thought men want sex all the time?

[CharlieB30]

Hi,

Me and my Dp have been together 4yrs, I have a very high sex drive and at the beginning of our relationship we were at it like rabbits. I dressed up, gave him massages, tied him up, bought sex postions books to try and I even suggested watching porn together all of which he was happy to do, but it always came from me. I felt it started to get a bit boring after a while and if I didn't suggest something it was a bit predictable. We kind of slipped into a routine of quick foreplay and off we went, often I'd be left unsatisfied and have to sort myself out after (sorry if tmi).

I would ask my dp on a few occasions to spend time on me first and doing things that I liked, sometimes he would no probs and other times he'd get in a huff and not want to have sex at all.

Then I got pregnant (planned) and he went totally off me, we had sex no more than 5 times throughout my pregnancy and I was horny as hell. He said it freaked him out and he didn't feel comfortable, I suggested we do other things but he just wasn't interested.

Fast forward to now, DS is 4 months old and as expected I have some body issues - which I'm working on - so I don't feel as confident to put it on him and do all the stuff I did before. I keep expecting him to jump on me after being deprived for so long but he just isn't interested. We've had sex a few times - maybe once a fortnight on average - and that's from me heavily hinting. I do 95% of caring for our DS and housework so he hardly does anything so he shouldn't be tired.

I have mentioned a few times that its been ages etc and he's said its because he doesnt know whether I'm tired or in the mood, I told him that he needs to at least try then he'll know - I don't know why he even came up with this because I have never turned him down, I'm just not making all the first moves.

I found a porn dvd in his draw the other day when I was putting away his washing, it really upset me that he's obviously horny but is not putting it on me.

I trust him so I don't think he's cheating but I'm clueless and don't know what to do.

Any advice?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sex aside, are you affectionate with each other as a couple? Kiss? Hold hands? Send romantic texts? That kind of thing? I'm guessing not. The way you describe the kind of sex you want, you do make it sound like it's a performance scored like ice-skating for effort and creativity... a lot of hard work, basically. Long-term sexual relationships IME go from 'at it like rabbits' to something less acrobatic (and less frequent) and less frantic, but more effective because everyone's got to know what turns the other on and there's a communication short-hand. It evolves...

So I'd suggest you have a talk together about how you miss physical affection. Lower the expectations, forget the chandelier-swinging stuff for a while & at least get back to cuddling.

[CharlieB30]

Thx for ur reply.

We are affectionate, cuddle in bed and on the sofa when we can, and the odd kiss here and there.

I agree our sex life won't be the same as before but I'd like it often /enjoyable enough to be satisfied?

Having a baby is tiring for me but I still want him he doesn't seem to want me though?

[CharlieB30]

Oh and he's not into romance at all. Wine, flowers, naughty texts, letters. No matter how much I ask he's just not into it.

[Offred]

No substitute for talking to him I'm afraid. Only he can tell you what is going on and if he won't you need to decide how much you will put up with before you leave.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Is he worried about having another baby, do you think? Very weird that he went off you when pregnant. Could be a psychological block there (fatherhood? fat wife? squeamishness/ignorance?) or even a practical one such as affording more children. Have you had any time together as a couple - weekend away etc - since your baby arrived?

[CharlieB30]

We've had no time without baby since he's been here. His mum lives close so could baby sit at anytime tho, maybe I should suggest it?

He's not a big talker and without me saying "is it because if xyz I know he'll blame it on something rubbish like tiredness.

It hurt to read "fat wife" but the truth is I am! Well girlfriend! I I put on 3st during pregnancy. When we'd first had sex after baby (about 6 weeks) he asked me to do a strip dance for him!!! Of course I didn't and told him my body wasn't ready for that yet. I was shocked he even asked. I've since lost over a stone and he hasn't asked again.

We definitely couldn't afford another baby now and although we've talked about no.2 we decided it won't be for at least 2years

[CharlieB30]

Do I tell him I found the DVD to try help him open up or will that make things worse?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't mention the DVD. This could be something as simple as, having turned down the strip dance, he thinks he messed up and is giving you a bit of sexual space. It could be something more fundamental with him now regarding you as 'a mother'... an a-sexual being. I'm just guessing.

What I think is vital, however, is that everyone feels loved and has the opportunity to be affectionate because then sex will follow. So the time alone is important. Not so that you can pin him down and demand answers but simply so that you can reconnect as an adult couple and be close to each other.

[CharlieB30]

Thanks for the advice.

You're right, maybe a night out is what we need to get us back to how it was before? We have always had a good relationship. I can try and get him to see that I'm still me and not just a mum.

Thanks again :)

[katykuns]

Agree with others on affection and attempting to communicate with each other about how you are feeling sexually and emotionally. I know how difficult that is, after my DP was desperate for affection and sex aftet DD was born, but I just felt 'touched out' and overwhelmed. Since we sat and talked about it things have been massively better. He kisses and cuddles and never actively pushes for sex, but waits to see if I react. I have no problem with the porn, but it would hurt me if he was doing it when I was trying to have sexual intimacy with him.
I also agree with the poster that suggested time without your DS as a couple. We barely get that chance with our DD's now, it's amazing how it recharges your batteries just being 2 adults together!

[SlimSlow]

I know the strip dance thing is the most insensitive thing ever (God, my kids are much older and I shrivel up at the very idea!!!) but in a way I think it's a good sign. He still thinks you're sexy if he wants you to do that!

It's not unusual for a man to go off sex during pregnancy. It's biologically (if you think about it) not a time when a male feels urges to mate with a female (if we were cave people or whatever) as the job is done. I'm explaining this badly - but know you're not alone.

I think you've just got into a rut, though, and need to find a way to get out of it. I think you can do it. :)

[EBearhug]

It sounds like you need more communication. He asked for the strip dance, you said you weren't ready. He's not asked again, because he doesn't want to pressure you, and as far as I can tell, you've not given him any indication that you might be ready now. Can't you just say something like, "remember the other week when you asked for that dance? What do you reckon about getting your mum to babysit, and we have a night together with just us?"

[ModeratelyObvious]

Sex once a fortnight when baby is 4 months old is definitely well within normal range, if that helps.

[Tonandfeather]

Don't agree with some of these posts at all.

He just sounds like he was a lazy, selfish lover even before the baby came along. Even before you were pregnant, you said you had to finish yourself off because he wouldn't and that at other times he'd get in a huff if you asked for more, or not want sex at all.

It's crap about the DVD too, but I hate blokes who watch porn anyway. It makes them useless in bed, in my opinion.

The other thing I picked up on is that you said he wasn't a talker and makes no effort with romance. What are you actually getting from this relationship then?

[peppercold]

"It's crap about the DVD too, but I hate blokes who watch porn anyway. It makes them useless in bed, in my opinion."

What a crock!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I agree with some of Tonandfeather's points actually. If the early days of the relationship were out of character and this lazy/selfish/unromantic/I'm-done-sort-yourself-out behaviour is 'the real him' it could be that things don't improve. However, when you're talking about families, it's important to explore all the options and give someone the benefit of the doubt.

[CharlieB30]

I do question my relationship a lot. I wonder of he actually likes me at all! Whenever we have problems I'm the one to suggest we talk about it and I end up suggesting to him what his problem is because he won't open up and talk. I almost feel like I want him to tell me what's wrong without me having to drag it out of him.

If we didn't have a baby together it would be a very different conversation as it would be easier to walk away. I was bought up in a single parent family and its the last thing I want for DS, as he's only small I think we should both do all we can before walking away - if it comes to that.

This really sucks :(

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Early days of a relationship everyone is usually on best behaviour, wearing their lust-goggles and 'date face'. It can take a while to work out someone's real personality and sort the liveable niggles from the intolerable flaws. It's also a different type of relationship being young, free and irresponsible to that of married & settled with kids.... you have to have a really solid base to make the transition successfully. If you're only 4 years into this and already finding married life this disappointing then that's a serious problem. It's especially problematic if what you've worked out you don't like is 'him' ie. his personality. Counselling can tweak behaviour and offer methods to communicate better etc but it doesn't change someone's character.

[CharlieB30]

We're actually not married, it seemed to be on the cards during the first year then it kinda went out of the window!

The principles are still the same though, Splitting is not an option at this stage. I find without intimacy it opens up a lot of other areas and things that didn't seem that big a deal are suddenly put under the microscope. Things that annoy me now never bothered me before but they were still there, which makes me think its just him and I need to find a way to deal with it.

I'm going to talk to him tonight. Wish me luck :)

[Tonandfeather]

Sounds like your sex goggles have come off and that it might have been the only real thing that bound you together. When that became as crap as the rest of him, you started to see just HOW crap he really was.

If you wouldn't be with him if you didn't have a child, don't stay with him just because you do. That way lies madness. You'd be resigning yourself to a life of rubbish (or no) sex with a bloke who won't talk to you or make you feel in any way cherished. You can still be good parents despite not being a couple.

Oh and no, I've never met a porn afficionado who was ever good in bed. Men with a vivid imagination and who can communicate, are far better lovers.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

"it might have been the only real thing that bound you together"

Very true...

[ifuckedupagain]

Whenever we have problems I'm the one to suggest we talk about it and I end up suggesting to him what his problem is because he won't open up and talk. I almost feel like I want him to tell me what's wrong without me having to drag it out of him.

Sounds familiar. Sounds like my ex (and it's the very reason he is an ex).

So often threads on here start off being about sex but it's not really the sex that is the problem. I don't want to project onto you OP because your words rang such a bell... all relationships are different. But I think yours has bigger problems than just in the bedroom.

When I read your OP my first thought was that your sex drives are a bit mismatched and I still think that. But it's a demoralising position to be in, isn't it?

He sounds like a poor communicator but communication is the answer here. You need to talk to him. Boring advice probably but I can't think of anything else. Yes, having a baby knocks the stuffing out of your sex life/gives you body hang ups but it's more complicated than that. Wish you well.

[CharlieB30]

Thanks for all your replys.

It has turned into a much bigger deal. He's now admitted that he wants to be single. We were having a generic Convo about both of us making the time and effort and I asked him outright if he was sexually attracted to me. He answered yes far too quickly but then he said "I'll always love you but sometimes I think what it would be like with someone else". There was me thinking he was going to say that I should try and get my confidence back.

I'm devastated. With the reality of his lack of feelings and breaking up I'm absolutely gutted.

[Chyochan]

Sorry this has happened, did you have any idea he was going to do this?

[garlicbaguette]

You must be reeling :(

In some threads, I would have suggested strategies to get things back on track between you. But you've said:

• He only does 5% of the home/family stuff
• You made all the effort with sex, even in the early days
• He hasn't learned how to satisfy you sexually
• He can't be bothered to initiate sex
• He can't be bothered to communicate well with you
• He told you he fancies having sex with other people

I understand what you said about having grown up in a one-parent family, but I've got to point out your partner seems to be contributing so little to family life and your relationship, he may as well not be there. Wanting a traditional family set-up isn't a good reason to settle for less. A well-functioning, traditional family involves parents who do half the work each, care about one another's feelings, and have a mutually enjoyable sex life. You haven't got that; I'm afraid you never did with him.

Now, please remember that 'traditional' is no longer 'normal' in our society. You may well be able to have a normal, OK-functioning, family life with him in a different location. If he cares about DD, he'll be a good dad and support her. If he doesn't - well, living with him would have become a real nightmare. Perhaps he's just too self-involved to put enough effort in. Perhaps he'll grow up after a while. But I think it's kinder to all three of you, to set him free and organise a future for you & DD.