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In for another miserable weekend because of sex

(173 Posts)
NotHappyEither Sat 21-Sep-13 08:29:23

We haven't had sex since last Saturday. We're supposed to be in a 'no pressure, it happens when it happens' phase because we've had lots of issues around him wanting more sex than me, not expressing that in the right way and me losing interest because he makes me feel like crap.

I've explained if he just relaxes and let's things happen naturally we'll end up having better sex. Maybe not as often as he would like but he complains lots about quality and my thinking was this would be a quality over quantity thing. Last weekend after this discussion and agreement we had great sex and he was really happy and up for the idea.

Fast forward to last night. We went to bed, I gave him a cuddle (another thing he complains is that I don't show him enough affection so I've been trying to make the effort to) he immediately thinks great we're having sex. I know if we don't have sex now he's going to shouty and miserable for the rest of the weekend. I feel like I have to have sex now and that immediately takes any fun out of it.

So I said words to the effect of let's just have a quicky. Because I honestly haven't got it in me to roll around for hours with someone who doesn't really care as long as he gets off. It didn't go down well. He ranted for a bit then told me to just get on with it then, I could make the effort for a change. I tried but he wasn't really turned on, I said let's just leave it tonight so he got out of bed and started shouting about oh that's great we're in for a great fucking weekend now. And that its my fucking job to turn him on if he's not and I can forget staying out tomorrow night (we're supposed to be staying at a friends DC at GP) he makes horrible digs and is shouty and rude stomping about the house.

Part of the problem is he knows we're out tomorrow and Sunday he has to have an early night so he thinks we won't get a chance for a couple more days. I do know that but just wanted to do what we said and let it happen when it happens and try and build it up slowly. I got up with the DC this morning and took him in a coffee this morning and he's already grumpy with me.

He'll be shouty and grumpy all day now. He's done this so many times and I hate it that a lovely weekend is ruined by sex again. sad

Offred Sat 21-Sep-13 09:05:23

Even if he can improve, he is abusing you in front of the dc. I would not want to give him a chance to change.

Vivacia Sat 21-Sep-13 09:05:24

Doesn't sound particularly low level to me. Being told it's your job to service him sexually?

My partner works hard, does his fair share around the house, supports me in my career and doesn't bully me in to having sex.

Bonsoir Sat 21-Sep-13 09:05:31

It sounds as if you are sexually totally incompatible.

Vivacia Sat 21-Sep-13 09:06:13

It sounds as though he's sexually incontinent.

valiumredhead Sat 21-Sep-13 09:06:46

Quiet tiger's life and description of her relationship is how it should be and perfectly normal OP.

Offred Sat 21-Sep-13 09:07:05

I think pretty much anyone with any self respect would be "sexually incompatible" with this prize of a man bonsoir...

Lweji Sat 21-Sep-13 09:12:06

I only regret not leaving exH earlier.

If he was to change it would have to be a major turnaround, and I don't think it will happen if you stay with him, if at all.

I doubt you'll leave him now, but do prepare for it, because at some point you will feel the need to do it.

Xenadog Sat 21-Sep-13 09:12:19

He isn't supportive of you though is he, not when he throws you going to uni back in your face? You don't love him as a husband you say -so how do you feel?

ExcuseTypos Sat 21-Sep-13 09:13:48

Yes QuietTiger describes a normal and loving relationship.

You shouldn't be having sex just to stop someone from being horrible to you and your children, all weekend. sad.

OxfordBags Sat 21-Sep-13 09:17:47

Vivacia, I meant low-level compared to beatings and rapes, I must clarify. This sounds a horrible reltaionship, and must be so damaging for the OP and her Dc.

danielswifetobe Sat 21-Sep-13 09:19:25

If my DH behaved like that the only physical contact he'd get would be my foot up his arse and out the door!!.
How immature to behave like that when he doesnt get sex. Sorry youre having to put up with it

QuietTiger Sat 21-Sep-13 09:21:12

I've just spoken to my DH and showed him this thread, as actually OP, I'm a bit rattled by what you feel is "normal".

This is what my DH said, and I quote:

"It is not a woman's job to service a mans sexual needs. If a woman doesn't want sex and she has sex to shut a man up or make him behave nicely to her, then I would consider that the same as rape. She doesn't want sex. No or I'm not in the mood and don't feel like it is crystal clear. The woman doesn't want sex, therefore sex shouldn't happen, no matter what the other person wants".

Your H sounds like an emotionally abusive bully.

Mrscaindingle Sat 21-Sep-13 09:28:01

I'm watching this thread with interest as it sounds very much like my relationship with STBXH although he didn't used to shout at me about it (well once when he was drunk until 4 in the morning sad
But I do recognise the sulking ,making me feel like it was all my fault and never getting to feel like sex because my libido was swamped by his.

I am in the process of dealing with my marriage ending and the fall out from that ( he ended it btw) but am starting to feel relief that I will never have to have sex with him again to make him feel better.

Sometimes I would quietly despair that this was going to be my sex life forever.

BootleBumtrinket1 Sat 21-Sep-13 09:38:47

I don't usually reply to relationship type threads - not got the wisdom! However when I read this it made me feel so bleak and sad for you that I couldn't not.

This is awful and no way to live. He sounds horrible and no matter how he may be "a great dad/good DH/BFF" this whole sex issue would taint every bit of that until it was all shit for you. His demands that you do the work/keep him interested was nasty.

You should not have to turn cartwheels whilst sucking him off to ensure a good weekend. His behaviour is not normal. It is not acceptable. I wouldn't be able to live with it because it would poison everything - this demand you perform to keep him sweet.

Stay strong and look after yourself. Oh, and in my opinion, LTB

NotHappyEither Sat 21-Sep-13 09:51:40

Sorry, I can't keep up with replies. I don't know where to start. I do feel more like a possession. He's got lots of issues mostly from growing up, his parents are a nightmare. It's as if he needs a nice wife, house, car and children to prove he's doing ok to the world. We split up for 6months last year and I honestly think his main concern was what everyone else would think. He didn't let me tell anyone the real reason we split (he was violent once so I said enough was enough.)

He's not been too bad since he got up but only because I went in and cuddled and was super nice. He's made me breakfast. But the thing is, he didn't ask if I wanted breakfast. I don't, I've already had toast. I wanted to get in the shower but he said 'I'm making you breakfast' and I know if I say oh actually I didn't want any he'll take it personally and make out I'm being shitty and then it'll tip the balance and he'll go back to being stroppy again.

I honestly don't think he actually plans stuff and is controlling on purpose. More that he is so immature and clueless and completely doesn't get what is normal behaviour. When we've talked about the sex issue before he honestly doesn't believe that its normal to not have completely regular gaurenteed sex when you're married. He thinks (and says) I'm weird because of it.

Sorry its taking me ages to reply its really good to talk about this stuff.

NotHappyEither Sat 21-Sep-13 09:55:44

mrscaindingle (your username makes me smile, I would agree with you....does that say something about our taste in men?!) I wish he would leave sometimes but that would never ever happen. He would never let it appear that he was anything other than a victim.

OxfordBags Sat 21-Sep-13 09:58:16

Ask yourself, OP, is it okay for him to be controlling, etc., if it's not intentional?! I mean, most other adults manage to not treat people loke shit the way he does. And, most importantly, the effects of his being controlling and horrible are the same on you and the DC whether he means it or not.

Although I do think there is intent behind it. He gets the pay-offs he wants from being a controlling shit.

Handywoman Sat 21-Sep-13 10:06:11

OP I'm sorry but this is abuse, it's much more about his sense of superiority and entitlement than it is about sex. I have left my XH for less overt behaviour and could not feel love for a man like this. Please start thinking about how you might eventually get out of this relationship because his views are deeply entrenched and are unlikely to change.

Squeegle Sat 21-Sep-13 10:14:24

Nothappy, your posts make me sad. My ex was a bit like this too. He used to be very controlling of me, very sulky, and I was constantly walking on egg shells to keep him from going off on one. (Mostly unsuccessfully I might add).

He also blamed me for not wanting sex with him. Used to sulk and call me frigid. (Nice),

I kind of believed the problem was with me. The reality was of course, that I just didn't fancy him any more cos he was so difficult with me.

For various reasons (including his increasing anger with me), we ended up splitting up. I am so liberated. And guess what, I have even been called passionate by a nice man I have been seeing.

Looking back I can see it all quite clearly. My ex was a tosser. I didn't want to have sex with him!

Good luck to you. It sounds like you need to find some strength. The issue isn't really about sex; it's about his attitude. Btw, for the record my ex had a v difficult childhood too. I let him get away with a lot cos of that. But in fact, I was being unfair on myself...

Xenadog Sat 21-Sep-13 10:16:16

OP, as you are in the middle of this relationship I don't believe you see his behaviour as dispassionately as the folks on here reading this thread do.

You had to have breakfast as he was cooking it and you didn't want to say no thanks as he would then turn it on you and be shitty and stroppy again. Do you know what you have just said? Basically you are treading on egg shells and giving into this bullying, controlling and manipulative tosser for a quiet life.

You are in the middle of this, it is your life and I guess you want this relationship to work in someway. The fact he has been violent in the past would be a deal breaker for many but I guess you feel it's better to be with him than without?

You have also made excuses for his bad behaviour so are enabling him to continue being abusive to you. And he IS being abusive.

The more I read about this man the less likely I feel you have any chance of having a decent relationship with him. I think you will leave him again, and for good, although this may take some time. I suggest you start to prepare the ground to leaving - it may be in months or years but I can't imagine how you can stay with this indefinitely. BTW what do friends and family think of his behaviour or do they not know what is going on?

BimboJimbo Sat 21-Sep-13 10:18:36

Your last post about having, nice car, house and children etc just described my DP sad Also the not being able to say anything about the breakfast.
We also have the exact same issues about sex.
Starting to question my own relationship after reading your replies on here.

So I don't have any advice but just wanted to say, I know exactly how you feel! I really hope it gets better for you!

Sorry for putting my problems on your thread

80sMum Sat 21-Sep-13 10:20:24

OP, this is the thin end of the wedge. Don't allow your husband to manipulate and control you in this way. He seems to be a very immature, insecure person and if you 'reward' his unacceptable behaviour he will only get worse.

Lahti Sat 21-Sep-13 10:20:46

OP I lived like this for 11 years and it was awful... I felt like I was just someone who didn't enjoy sex, but I did it just to prevent an atmosphere. I left him earlier this year.

nkf Sat 21-Sep-13 10:21:37

I know this relationship. I've been in it. It's hell. I really feel for you. It destroys your self respect and your boundaries. It took me ages to think it through and, yes, get out. Good luck.

talulahbelle Sat 21-Sep-13 10:22:29

He is behaving like an arse. If he needs 'release' that much he has hands doesn't he?
I sometimes have sex when I'm not totally in the mood - but only because I get just as much pleasure out of the closeness and caring and knowing how much DH wants me. By the end I'm normally into it as much as he is... DH would never insist in it though, and on occasion has had to stop mid shag if I decide things aren't happening for me.
You need some more conversations with your DH.

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