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Discovering orgasm for 1st time (without DH)

(34 Posts)
whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Fri 20-Sep-13 23:17:48


Until very recently, I had never orgasmed, ever. Maybe partly because I wasn't into the idea of masturbation and so never really properly tried to have a go myself.

I've had two partners in my life (am 31), one long term boyfriend and my husband of 5 years after that. Never came close with either during sex. However this didn't really bother me, I had accepted at this stage that I was just one of those poor unfortunates who couldn't orgasm. I still enjoyed sex, the closeness etc., though obviously not as much as my DH as didn't achieve the usual end goal.

There was no change to this after my 1st dc (though definitely less opportunity for sex!) but things are different this time round (had 2nd dc nearly 1 year ago). I don't really know what prompted it but I found myself wondering about porn, which I'd never really seen properly before. Our 2nd dc is a terrible sleeper and we're currently sleeping separately to try to ensure we both get some sleep...I think curiosity got the better of me on one of those many nights alone and I googled on my phone and came up with what I guess is fairly soft free porn.

Anyway (very) long story short I have discovered that I can now orgasm through masturbation and fairly easily at that, sometimes, though not always, aided by viewing free porn.

I always thought I was anti-porn so this is kind of hard to reconcile to myself though I am frankly delighted to discover I can orgasm at all. So this is what everyone has been talking about all these years! I am a bit sad though that this has happened without my husband.

I'm not sure how to incorporate this into our (practically non-existent tbh sex-life at the moment) though. We are both so tired generally that sex happens very infrequently and we're always terrified of waking up a dc. I'm not sure how to explain to DH about the new-found orgasms either - actually am not sure if they would happen during normal sex either as so far they are all down to me working alone. Also, the main stimulus I have found to work is images of breasts...I don't think I am gay but this is apparently what turns me on so not sure where that fits in with my husband..

Anyway I just wanted to see if anyone else had similar experiences...I'm not a hairy handed troll looking just for personal stories btw, I know this is probably not very common but thought I'd post just in case. Has anyone heard of someone discovering orgasm post-pregnancy? Have had some wine which is making me brave enough to post!

earlgray Fri 20-Sep-13 23:23:22

I imagine dh will be happy with the situation! I would probably be bold and just drop your new achievement into conversation at an appropriate time!

Shapechanger Fri 20-Sep-13 23:25:49

Well, congratulations. Great, isn't it?

Shame it had to be porn though... can understand why it works for people but it's the exploitation within the industry (and the damaging effect it has on relationships) that makes it a shame.

Can't comment on the breasts thing, sexuality is so individual and complex. I'm a heterosexual woman and I have to say breasts do absolutely nothing for me, but we are all different and lots of women (I hear) get turned on by thinking about sex with other women (and presumably looking at sexual images of other women).

I think you need to explore why you can't orgasm with your husband (though lots of women me included find it easier and quicker on my own, though much more intense if I'm with a man. Is your dh not touching you in the right way? Do you fake it with him? Does he mind that you don't have an orgasm and if not why the hell not? and do you ever discuss it?

whyhavealltheobiviousnicknames Fri 20-Sep-13 23:31:31

We've never really talked about me not orgasming, me because I was embarrassed, him, I don't know, he just accepted it as a given. My first bf was hell bent on getting me to orgasm which tbh got annoying so I was glad on a way that dh wasn't obsessed with it. It makes it harder now to have that conversation though..

TwoStepsBeyond Fri 20-Sep-13 23:42:04

It's quite common not to orgasm from sex so get your h to use his hands as you've been doing, and at least now you know what works you can guide him. My orgasms are 10 times better when DP does it compared with me on my own, so you could be in for a treat!

One thing that is really important is his patience. DP will say 'take your time, we've got all night' and if it's taking a while he'll say 'let's start again from the beginning' so I know that he's not getting bored! There's nothing less likely to make it happen than feeling pressured.

ageofgrandillusion Sat 21-Sep-13 06:40:58

Can you get your husband to stick on a pair of comedy breasts?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 21-Sep-13 06:44:38

I would say 'courage'... and start suggesting including some of the stimulus that allow you to orgasm into sex with your DH. IME some sexual partners are utterly clueless, need guidance and find taking some gentle instruction a huge turn-on. So take the lead and I'm sure you'll get no complaints.

cronullansw Sat 21-Sep-13 10:24:20

You could keep quiet about your discovery and let DH be the one who unleashes this new found talent in you.....

He be all proud, you'd be satisfied and everyone is happy.

Introduce the porn to your love making at a later stage maybe smile

Well done you.

RiotsNotDiets Sat 21-Sep-13 10:49:20

If you're anti porn, you could try erotic literature instead. You can get off without worrying about the people being trafficked and exploited then.

FabricQueen Sat 21-Sep-13 11:11:50

Serious question, because this happened to me and so that's why I'm wondering; is there any tiny possibility you could be gay or bi? I say this because, although you say you're not gay, I spend a large part of my adult life saying the same thing and having adequate but not very thrilling sex with men, and I am now in a relationship with a woman. So, never say never.

Perhaps your sexuality - in a more general sense - has been repressed for whatever reason, so it's all coming out now. Congrats on the orgasms! (and ditto what Shapechanger said about the issues with porn and the ethics of watching potentially morally dubious material. I understand the fascination, but you could explore other avenues like erotica etc as well?)

Wellwobbly Sat 21-Sep-13 17:05:57

Brilliant! Well done!

We had a very enlightened priest (Anglican) who told us well brought up girls that masturbation was very important, for us to find out what we liked first.

If it is any comfort Nickname, I don't know the statistics but I think that the majority of women can't orgasm through penetrative sex alone. You are not wierd, you are with most women.

So stimulate yourself during LM and blow your DH's socks off.

Go for it! So nice to have a 'good news' thread!

Wellwobbly Sat 21-Sep-13 17:07:35

Do you even have to talk about it?

Reach down, get going and give him the best ride of his life. wink

Vivacia Sat 21-Sep-13 17:43:01

I think you need to talk to your husband about this otherwise you risk ending up in a sex-free marriage with you getting your kicks from porn rather than a healthy sex life with your husband.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 21-Sep-13 19:01:04

It's fine to use your own hands during sex to bring yourself to orgasm, I often do. I think you need to bite the bullet and tell your DH to be honest. Maybe you could have a read of some erotica to see if you like it - and use it to get yourself very turned on before you start foreplay?
'Lesbian' porn is usually less aggressive and misogynistic than het so you could try looking for something along those lines from an ethical pornographer? Porn is a tricky area, it's very common to enjoy it (the tame, non aggressive type) but most of it isn't tame and there is so much abuse in the industry it's hard to ignore. I don't know any ethical pornographers to recommend but I know they exist from posts on here.

Ps It's also common to be hetero but get turned on by women!

culturemulcher Sat 21-Sep-13 19:08:57

Second what EhricLoves says.

I'd like to have a link to hand to pop in here, but there was a news report recently and documentary all based on the same research which said that the majority (and a large majority at that) of straight women are turned on by sexual images of women as well as of men. This is the case (study of blood flow to intimate areas) even if the woman does not consciously admit to being turned on.

The majority of men, on the other hand, are only turned on by sexual images of men if they're gay.

I'm sure someone will be along soon with a link.

Don't worry about what turns you on. I would, though, start bed-sharing with DH again asap. Why do you need to sleep apart?

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Sat 21-Sep-13 19:18:25

I'm sure that research said that women were turned on by images of monkey sex too! Suggesting that we are actually more visual and more sexually adventurous than men ;)

Wellwobbly Sun 22-Sep-13 10:45:34

What Erich says! <waves rah rah pom poms>

Lucky OP, off onto a new stage of fabulousness with her dear DH x


HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 11:59:04

I think they thought the underlying reasons the increase in blood flow to the genitals in women when faced with any sort of sexual imagery is an evolutionary response to the possibility of being raped. I.e. if you are a cavewoman and see sexual activity, there is a possibility that men are amongst your tribe and you will shortly be having sex with one if them, therefore better to be lubricated to prevent physical damage to you. Basically, seeing sex is an early warning that you will shortly be having sex, and the body begins to protect itself. Not really anything to do with being turned on, as such.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 22-Sep-13 12:14:56

Evolutionary response to the possibility of being raped?..... What utter crap!

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 12:23:35

Nope, that's the theory!

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 12:25:27

I wouldn't say it was crap, but better to say preparing for sex. The reasoning behind this theory is that penetration (without foreplay or sexual arousal from the woman) triggers the vagina to get wet, even during rape. Wetness does not indicate the woman is aroused and enjoying the experience - one of those things that women who have been raped, yet noticed getting well lubricated anyway, can find distressing ("was I turned on by the rape?") when it's actually a self protecting measure (to reduce tears and injury).

Scientists can only surmise that self-lubricating at the merest hint of sex is an evolutionary winner, if it means the woman avoids injury.

doesn't mean cavemen were all rapists. just some, like today.

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 12:28:17

this is why no rapist can ever use the defence that 'she was wet, so was obviously enjoying it'.

HarderToKidnap Sun 22-Sep-13 12:54:17

Yes, i didnt mean to stereotype the cavemen, of course!

ryangoslinglovesmedamnit Sun 22-Sep-13 14:51:43

im perfectly straight but if we watch a love scene or the like (we don't venture into porn, bluergh) I get more turned on by the woman. I think this because they are
-less threatening, soft and feminine, the scene is usually gentle and slow building.
- I don't think willies are particularly attractive to look atgrin but eeveryone can appreciate perky boobs no?
-if im reading a dirty book/watching a love scene I can relate to the sensations described iyswim, which min turn makes me want them too!

im not sure this makes sense. Im not a fan of porn..aside from the obvious I can't really describe why. it doesn't do anything for me.

waving pompoms for your discovery over orgasm!

I can't reach orgasm via penetrative sex. I enjoy it but anything inside me doesn't do it.. but I get there very quickly with a rub. trying to word this properly lol

I also bought a 'bullet' from ann summers. o.m.g!

Dh would be mortified to know he wasn't the best I ever had. it would hurt him. Because I know its a case of not being able to reach orgasm via actual sex I don't see the point in telling him.. he can make me orgasm other ways and if I feel a little shortchanged I enjoy the closeness of it and go after my own sexual gratification later! some people won't agree with this..but sex is a strongly emotive thing and our relationship is perfect otherwise..and I don't personally find it a problem. .if I did that would be different.

I feel like I just totally over shared and need to name change but hope this helps!

learnasyougo Sun 22-Sep-13 14:53:23

Arf at stereotyping cavemen.

What I meant was, some (I would say unpleasant) people try to argue that rape was the norm once, we're adapted to it and is therefore the natural order of things.

Now that IS crap. It ignores all those evolutionary adaptions surrounding female pleasure and female choice. We're not sexually passive.

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