Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Can I get a female perspective?

(138 Posts)
Octopus7 Fri 20-Sep-13 18:11:19


I'm 34 and my wife is 36, we've been married for 7 years and have 2 amazing sons. We're a really tight family but over the years the relationship between my wife and myself has become almost entirely about the kids. My wife has little to no interest in sex and hasn't since she became pregnant with our second son 3 years ago (we've probably had sex 5 times in the last 3 years). She's quite a shy person and doesn't like to talk about such things and she always has a reason why she rejects me (generally it's tiredness). As its been going on so long I've tried a lot of different things from asking her to talk about it to backing right off.

The obvious assumption is that she isn't attracted to me anymore, well to me it is anyway so a couple of years back I joined the gym, started hitting that pretty hard in my lunch breaks and taking a lot more pride in my appearance. I'm not the best looking guy in the world but I'm in decent shape, I like to think I'm a good father and a lot of people comment on how close we are as a family. Outwardly I'm a very confident person but this is really ripping me apart. I could never leave because I love my wife and sons far too much - how do I get this back on track? I'm not out for sympathy, I just need some help!

Thanks everyone

ifonawintersday Sun 22-Sep-13 10:10:56

I know Darkesteyes. I know.

He does not refer to spending time with his kids as baby sitting. He enjoys spending time with them and takes his parenting seriously. If I want a lie in, he will get up with them early. If I want to go out and see friends, he is happy to be home with them. He rarely goes out himself. He goes to the gym a few times per week, this does not impact on anything. He always ask if there is a session I would like to go to before he goes, as he says he is happy to let me have "first digs".

He takes the kids to school every day before work. Sometimes, he also picks them up. I cook dinner 90% of the time and we eat together. He is also happy to cook tea for one child if I am out with the other. I just say, "look I will be at x with dc2, so dc1 will need a meal" I find that we parent very efficiently together.

My only issue is what happens in the evening after the kids have gone to sleep. Because they fall asleep quite late, I like to sit and relax for a little before doing all the last dashes, maybe with a book, a glass of wine, some tv, spend time online just to take easy and enjoy my evening a bit. And then BOOM, "I am going to bed", without sharing that last bit.

I know it is a small thing as everything works fine and is running smooth up to that point. But that is enough to make me not want physical closeness.

Writing this, I realize I may be unreasonable because he is such an equal partner while the kids are still awake. When they go to bed, he goes to his study to answer emails.

HeyJudith Sun 22-Sep-13 17:46:53

winters my DH did this "I'm going to bed" and off up the stairs too leaving me with the final tasks. Drove me mad.

I argued about it with him a few times. Then I started making sure I went to bed first so he had no choice but to do it (or risk leaving the house unsecured). I would also call down "oh and the washing needs taking out, or else or your clothes will smell smile".

Then I introduced the concept of sharing the tasks. Ie Him: "I'm off to bed". Me "Well before you go, you check the doors and windows and I will put the last bits in the dishwasher". (or whatever). I changed it around so we both got to do all the last minute tasks including waiting for the washing machine, locking up, letting the cats in or out etc etc.

Now we do it all between us without discussion because we both know exactly what needs doing. I believe if you know pretty good in other ways, then it's a bit of a blind spot/learned behaviour.

Octopus7 Mon 23-Sep-13 01:04:49

So over the weekend I've done a lot more around the house, put work on the back burner and we've generally spent a lot more time together as a couple (watching movies and things) - my wife totally caught me off guard and asked if I wanted to come up to bed this afternoon! Maybe it's coincidental, maybe not!

fabergeegg Mon 23-Sep-13 01:09:28

amazing!! Chuffed for you! Now, before your coach turns into a pumpkin, ask for the thread to be pulled!

springybuffy Mon 23-Sep-13 01:21:02

WOW! smile smile

springybuffy Mon 23-Sep-13 01:21:52

where were the kids

NameChangedForAChange Mon 23-Sep-13 01:59:55

Blimey, OP! See what a few changes in your behaviour have made to your wife, eh?

My two penn'orth on this is that, when my (many) DC were tiny and in nappies or potty training and waking a lot at night, sex was just another job on the to-do list. Even worse, it was yet another job that involved dealing with someone else's bottom! At that time all I wanted to do was either SLEEP or BE ON MY OWN.

So, erm, think on, OP. You may, perhaps, have cracked it by actually doing a bit more supporting stuff.

Lazyjaney Mon 23-Sep-13 06:58:04

Things that make you go hmmmm

Wellwobbly Mon 23-Sep-13 14:34:26

And don't underestimate EVER how much women need affection.

Affection: non-sexualised touching. Hugs, cuddles, kisses, stroking hair and non-erogenous zones.

In my next life I want to come back as a Englishman's horse. Those long lovely brush strokes ...

Monty27 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:45:17

She felt equal, appreciated and loved. It's not all about physical stuff, it's working together and having joint goals. That has some mileage.
I'm happy for you both smile

Monty27 Thu 26-Sep-13 23:50:11

Feeling on top of the priorties list makes me feel special. Freedom of course each way and space, but you need to appreciate what dw does for you.

I'm coming back as a dog in my next life not really grin

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 16:51:04

Sounds like she has replaced her life with children.
It is far to common and not very healthy.
Try to get her out more just the two of you.
Try to have some fun.
Be really frank about how you are feeling, think about counseling for you both. Maybe a sex therapist.
You shouldn't have to be without intimacy.

queenbitchapparently Fri 27-Sep-13 16:52:48

Missed the update. Very cool, keep making her feel special and hopefully it won't be a one off

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now