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Advice on my new relationship(37 Posts)
Hi - I wanted to say thanks in advance for your advice and taking time to read this I will try and keep it as brief as possible.
I met my current gf about 3 months ago (so a fairly recently relationship) I met her at a time in my life when I wasn't expecting a relationship as 5 months ago I came out of a 2 year relationship with my first love. It was a really horrific and traumatizing break up and I wasn't looking for a relationship especially so soon after my recent break up it just sort of happened. Since being with my gf I have been seeing signs in her behavior that I find quite distressing and don't know how to cope with.
Since being with her she opened up to me that she had a really horrid childhood with emotional, sexual and physical abuse from both parents and various other people. When I met her she had come out of a marriage of 2 years which was abusive and obviously left a lot of scars on her. She let me know before her marriage she had a mental break down after being raped by a stranger and the build up of the abuse over time. She since got herself better but it is obvious she has severe depression which I think (though I'm not dr) but believe has manifested itself in some sort of personality disorder or PTSD.
Even though we have only been together 3 months she started making remarks about my friends and how I put them "first". I am a social person and live with my best friend which tbh since my break up has honestly been the most healing positive experience. When she had her "mental breakdown" she lost all her friends so she told me she gets jealous that I have that and she doesn't. She has a controlling side to her which is just not how I am. Since being together only 3 months she's asked me to marry her and said she's DEEPLY in love with me which I personally find a bit "much" for a person who's known me only 3 months.
She tells me she hears voices that I don't really love her and I'm "using" her and she has a lot of paranoia to the point she won't even go running which I suggested would help her with her depression. I've finally managed to get her to go and see a counselor but honestly I feel she needs to see a psychiatrist which she will not do. She say's she will make herself "better" like she did last time. Whereas my point is you are clearly NOT better if you are acting like this and hearing things.
It's got to the point her behavior is SO erratic I actually don't know what to do. She demands CONSTANT attention from me even when I'm at work (and we both have jobs) and even in the evenings if i don't call or text (because she's been on my ass ALL day) and I want some peace and quiet.
Just Wednesday she fell asleep on the sofa and I left her to sleep as she looked comfortable so I chatted to my room mate and she wakes up like a bat out of hell and proceeds to argue with me for 2 hours about how I don't care or love her which i later find out the next day is her "paranoia" and she's been having nightmares and can't sleep recently.
I am honestly at my wits end with it all as bad as that sounds. It's just what I DIDN'T need right now in my life and all these issues forced on me I don't know how to cope with. I feel like I am walking on eggshells. I am the most relaxed, calm, uncontrolling person in a relationship my friends tell me I have the patience of a saint with all this but honestly I care about her a lot even though it's a new relationship but all this is just so unattractive and so self centered. Everything is about HER and HER depression and HER issues - none of it is taking into account me and my needs and tbh I'm a very easy going person with not a lot of needs so I kind of get washed aside.
Any advice from the lovely mumsnet community would be greatly appreciated.
There's never a good time to bin someone.
"You can't dump me, I'm depressed."
"You can't dump me, I've lost my job."
"You can't dump me, that'll just about finish me off."
Get rid, this is damaging to be around and you owe a casual acquaintance of 3 months' standing exactly nothing.
So I think A LOT of her behavior is a very physically pretty girl being able to get away with things her whole life by behaving this way.
This. As a friend of mine puts it, "very good looking people are as nice as they have to be"
well, you called your ex fiance 'him' but your gf is clearly a 'her' so it was fairly clear you were either male or female ... well .. uh ... I suppose you would be one of the two. Open to relationships with either gender!
Let us know how it goes with this girl
In fairness to her she didn't scream at me - she doesn't really raise her voice she argues for hours though over points that are so crazy and gets herself worked up. Last saturday I sat down and explained to her while her behavior was how it was I couldn't be in a serious relationship with her and we needed to keep it casual. I said I would still be here support her, I even said I wouldn't see anyone else but we would discuss being proper gf's again when her behavior changed and I saw signs she was getting help for her depression and the voices. She took this okay and said fine.
I see her the day after and she is FINE in good mood nothing even joking about saying I was her "friends with benefits" now laughing in pleasant normal mood. Then she falls asleep on sofa in the evening and wakes up goes on and on about how I'm her friends with benefit not her girlfriend I'm going to leave her for someone else, why does she bother? I'm like rest of them who hurt or left her eventually. God knows why I am here with her. Then she will lead that into other things - it's like tree branches of arguments lol. It doesn't matter what I say or how much sense or how confused I am because the day previously and only a few hours ago she fully understand's. Like I cannot explain the mood change for night to day. And once she get's something in her head it like that's it no budging.
Hi Meerka - Oh yes I was just saying for clarification because I know it might look confusing as I mentioned a man and a woman that I am a female and have relationships with both genders but more so women
God lord, but the RUN hooters are blaring!!
If I were in your shoes, the fact is, she would be gone.
While I know I would feel saddened and sorry for her because I am not an ogre, that would be drowned out by the huge sigh of relief as I closed the door on that episode for good.
I think you know the score with this girl, and what the future holds. Telling her you'll be friends with benefits is is going to leave her clinging on.
I'm sorry but she doesnt sound rational and I think you need to make it clear to her that there's no future with her and you are no longer involved at all. And you might have to say it over and over and stay firm otehrwise she'll carry on thinking there's hope. Especially if you say you won't see anyone else. That's going to leave her clinging to the thought that you're really hers.
Meerka - I agree with you that wasn't my intention at all. It's very hard to explain that sometimes she comes across really extremely and rational. When I proposed this to her I said I do care for you obviously but I just can't give you that title while you behave like this. Because tbh it's really hard as she has this "normal" side to her which is so cool, funny, caring. Then she has this "other" depressed side that is just irrational, paranoid, controlling.
I wouldn't take advantage of a person and string them along. She can go from being "normal" and understanding me 100% for a few hours or a day then no. On friday I took my friend to the hospital I told her in advance I won't be able to have my phone or talk because I'm with my friend (whos she's met). She understood said no problem contact me after, I said sure. I'm in the hospital I get 4 missed calls and in the period of 3 hours we haven't talked she's become "depressed" and now talking about wanting to self harm though she won't do just thoughts. I'm like what the heck???
If you stay with her this will go on and on and on. She'll try to isolate you from your friends. I don't think she does understand you at all actually, I think it just feels that way. There's something very deeply wrong that she needs help with, and only she can really ask for that help from professionals.
It depends on if you want to risk the drama and damage for the good times. At a guess, those will get less and less.
Anyway, said my piece, like I say, let us know how it goes
Priceliss, you are not responsible for her happiness and you alone can't make her happy.
She sounds ill. I don't have a background in mental health but have some experience of people close to me who have MH problems. The "voices" are indicative of some sort of psychosis, possibly schizophrenia or schizoaffective disorder or in some cases bipolar disorder. The trouble is, that unless someone is a danger to themselves or to others, if they refuse treatment then no-one can force them to seek treatment. Anti-psychotics may be needed but due to the side-effects a lot of people don't want to take them.
People with these disorders can have relationships but this works better if they are willing to work with the HCP's to get better.
She sounds to me like she might get worse, though. If you stay, you will be compromising your own happiness and your own mental health.
Someone I know was advised years ago to leave his relationship with a woman like this. This advice came from her psychiatrist. He stayed because he loved her. He became miserable and ill, developed an ulcer due to stress. and looked so pale and gaunt, we were all worried for him. He ended up leaving anyway and by them there were children involved.
Don't do that to yourself.
She needs professional help and is not mentally stable enough to be in a relationship. Equally, you do not need this shit and her problems are not your responsibility. Personally, I would distance yourself though she might go bunny boiler when you end it.
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