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Disappointed with DH - what to do(38 Posts)
Hmmm, not sure how to deal with this.
DH has been working away 2 nights this week. Also went out one evening to a concert which he'd bought tickets for a while ago, so I didn't mind that. I also don't mind him working away, it's not ideal but it's necessary sometimes. We have 2 DC aged 5 months and 3, the 5 month old doesn't sleep very well, so as you can imagine I'm fairly knackered.
He's away for work tonight and when I spoke to him it was a bit chaotic so we didn't get chance to say much. So I texted him later and asked what time he would like to be picked up from the station tomorrow. He replied saying he was going out drinking on the way back from his meeting tomorrow so doesn't need a lift and will be home late. He also said he wants to shag me when he comes home! He hadn't mentioned that he was going out up to that point. Also, this might sound petty but I've got a really sore throat and he didn't bother asking how I was feeling. And his chance of a shag is clearly a big fat zero!
I just feel so sad that he thinks it's ok to treat me like this. I don't know what to do. I do love him and he can be so lovely but times like this I feel like we are pretty low on his priority list.
I have been out a total of 3 times since our youngest was born (one of those I had to come home very early because she wouldn't settle). It seems massively unfair. He has barely seen the kids this week and if I was him I would be moving heaven and earth to see them tomorrow.
I'm not being unreasonable am I??? I just don't know what to do about it.
When you stop breast feeding then I think you should start to reclaim some time of your own. I know it can be difficult but it's really worth the effort. If your DH has to go away at short notice it can be difficuult to get regular things for you in the diary, e.g. evening classes, but I think you will need to make an effort. Will you be returning to work outside the home soon? If not, I think it's more difficult as economic power is often linked with other power in relationships and your DH may view your domain as the home and children while he goes out into the world to work and socialise.
Also, there is no reason why you shouldn't go away on holiday / weekend break alone while he looks after the children - it's things like this that deliver the message most effectively I think.
I will be going back to work next year. I have a night away with friends planned in December. They are going for 2 nights but I am only joining them for one because I don't want to be away from my family for longer. No way would he make that choice if it was him. That's the difference.
Hello Jem. Another one here who think YADNBU.
I think the bit you said about trying so hard to be the accommodating wife that you've become a mug bit was spot on. And I think that would make sense to him iykwim
Good luck with your talk. Hope it goes smoothly and calmly and don't forget to book your hair appointment for tomorrow
I don't think you are being unreasonable but equally you will sometimes have different priorities and were he to go away for two nights it doesn't necessarily make him a worse parent. When he's not working away what is he like on a day to day basis - does he come home from work and share the work or does he sometimes stay late when you know it's not necessary or come home and put his feet up?
Update - he has just sent me a text saying he's no longer going out tonight and will be home at 6. Which means either he's thought better of his plans (I hope it's this), or he's realised from my lack of response to last nights message that he's in hot water. Or his plans have fallen through and he's got nobody to go out with!. If it's the latter he is getting a serious talking to. Otherwise a more gentle but firm chat I think.
I would keep it definitely firm, tbh
You are feeling shit because of a pattern of thoughtlessness, not just over this one night out.
Focus now, come on
We have had the talk. He had come home because he was tired, not because he wanted to see us. He is sure that he had told me about his night out, but I'm sure he didn't. As predicted it was a 'special' night - some people he only sees once a year were out. but as i pointed out it wasn't special enough for him not to miss it when HE felt tired, but special enough to take him away from his family....
Anyway I stayed very calm and just told him how hurt I felt at him not wanting to spend his free time with us, and his lack of thought about me needing support especially while i was feeling unwell.
He argued a bit. Irritatingly he asked me what was 'really the matter' because he couldn't believe i would be upset about something so minor! But once I'd set out exactly how I felt he then went very quiet and has now gone to bed. Hopefully to think things over and not to sulk. I think he was expecting me to start getting hysterical and he was a bit shocked that I didn't.
Anyway I am really grateful for all of your advice and support. We have some work to do but he is a really good guy at heart and I am really glad I've had a calm rational discussion with him about this. I feel stronger already. Thanks x
Make sure you start to get out in the evenings, even if its only for an hour. Feed baby, go, return. It breaks the 'norm' of you always being available and it's good for you
I was in this sort of situation for years, although it was DH's working hours that were the problem.
I found that it was impossible for me to go out in the evening, ever - DH not home till about 9pm, me too tired to do anything but fall into bed.
What I did start to do though, was to leave the DC with him for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning and just go out for a walk by myself.
It gave me a bit of peace, and more importantly, it gave him the experience of what it was like to look after 2 under 3s.
Wen you are breast feeding it is difficult, but you could start by making him get up Saturday and Sunday mornings, leave him with both DC once you have fed the baby and you go and have a coffee somewhere - take a book or read the paper. Let him sort out the DC and make the lunch.
My DC are grown up now. DH and I are beginning to reclaim a social life
Positive how? He argued, went quiet then stropped off to bed...
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