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I wish I could die

(151 Posts)
notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:12:30

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

It doesn't feel like it yet, but it's a good thing he's left.
Life will get better
You sound like a strong person who's had to deal with a lot of crap/abuse
You can definitely make a better life for your dd's
Love and light to you x

confusedwithlifemum Wed 25-Sep-13 15:38:31

The fact that you have two beautiful daughters PROVES THAT YOU ARE NOT UGLY. Look at them they came from you. Rely on that. Secondly, they are I bet loving gently and full of fun. Just like their mum has taught them to be. So take heart the coward in this is NOT YOU but the Partner that gave up. There is a sentence in marriage vows (if you are a Christian or believer – for better or for worse), you are dealing with the worst. He couldn’t and so left. It was not your commitment to the relationship but HIS.
What hes done is to deflect it back onto you and you in turn now feel no good for it. Don’t let him.
YOU ARE TOUGHER THAN THAT YOU SURVIVED one of the worst things any child had to face. And you came out of it ALIVE and ended up with two beautiful children. RELY ON THAT. Those girls needs their mother and you are a wonderful example of sticking in there and coping even when it seems like theres nothing left. As you say you cannot afford to do self harm those girls need you. My suggestion. Speaking on this website is a help. But you need to see someone immediately, your local GP has a group they work with called LINK WORKERS. They are counsellors who help in stressful situations such as these. There is also an organisation called the Wellbeing Centre who also help with problems such as yours. And finally if speaking to a complete stranger would help go to your local church and wait for the service to end. Then speak to the Vicar/Minister or whomever you may like to visit. They are trained to help you through this.
You have not mentioned parents or friends do you have any? As I think you should have someone to sit with you for a while. Just to keep you company for a bit. The local Council should have a telephone number for Family carers association they might be able to help. But your best bet would be your GP and then you can take it from there. Keep us posted though we all on this site support you and would like to know if you are successfully or not. Don’t give up please otherwise you will having given the “b*st*d what he wanted to make him feel less guilty for being the coward and not supporting you when you needed it.

Jux Wed 25-Sep-13 10:55:42

Sorry, I meant "put the old sim in once a week". That's the number he'll be using, and if you transfer all important and current numbers to your new sim then the only person using the old number will be him; you really don't need to be in daily contact with him right now (or ever again), do you?

You are doing really well. Questions from children are hard; but you don't want to be answering questions like "why does daddy do x to you?" or try to explain why they mustn't call people horrid names but daddy can call you anything he likes, and so on, now do you? Better by far to have to tell them that daddy and mummy can't live together any more, but that you both still love them and that will never change.

Well done on the ad front. Persevere. I suspect you're pretty good at that wink

Don't give up, you'll be fine, you can do it.

marriedinwhiteisback Tue 24-Sep-13 23:44:53

Brilliant advice form Jux. You are the better person here; don't let him forget it. Come on "our kid" - chin up, girls out front, happy futures. Directive from the Viper's nest. And well done; we all have trouble with the Dr's receptionists at some point but you got through, you got to see the doctor and the anti-d's will kick in soon.

The sun was out today - shining just for you.

LondonNinja Tue 24-Sep-13 23:43:05

Great advice from PPs.

Well done for pushing for your doc appt. The medicine will work - but may take time - so do go easy on yourself and don't hesitate to see the GP again if you need to.

Your ex really is a piece of work. Jux's suggestion of a new phone is great. I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this, but you're doing really well. I feel for you hearing your DCs asking for daddy. That's tough. But not as tough as seeing their mummy abused and treated appallingly. By going your way, you're rescuing them from learning dreadful things about how women 'should' be treated.

You go, girl!

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 18:22:32

Get a new sim and don't give him the number. You can put the new sim in once a week just to see if there's anything worth seeing.

Make a new folder just for his emails, and make a rule/script/whatever it's called for anything from him to go straight in there.

Email him, telling that you will be communicate about contact, child support and financial matters only, and only by email.

Get to a family law solicitor and get a free half hour to find out what your options are.

Keep all texts and emails from him. That doesn't mean you have to read them, though! If you can, you could ask someone else to look at them first, but otherwise look when you need to or when you're feeling strong enough not to be floored.

Unlikelyamazonian Tue 24-Sep-13 17:11:07

You're doing brilliantly strong. Your ex really is a manipulative joke isn't he. 'Wasting his time' looking after his kids? WTAF?? As the scales fall further and further from your eyes, you will really see him for the weak, using, abusive knob-jockey he is.

I second the advice not to reply to any emails or texts - or if you feel that you must, give him the stuck-record treatment: one firm reply to each contact saying something like 'You are harassing me. I will only respond to contact via your solicitor. You have left. The relationship is over.' And repeat.

You have shown incredible strength. You are awesome. You have been through so much all of your life - including being called such horrible names by a man who isn't worth the dirt on your shoe.

keep going. One day at a time. <<>>

marimeifod Tue 24-Sep-13 16:37:22

Hi Strong, I agree with all the other posters, you are an amazing lady who is just getting started and have more resources in you than you can possibly imagine at the moment. Your girls are lucky to have you.
Please keep swimming and keep persevering.
Your ex/chap is behaving like an utter cunt at the moment - that is his stuff, not yours. Try and keep contact as minimal as you can and protect yourself at the minute while you gather yourself and work where things are going.
Remember you need to eat well - if you can't face big meals, eat little and often. Apparently turkey is rich in tryptophan (happy mood chemical) so get some in and plenty of green veggies (maybe a stir fry?). Try and get some sleep as well but don't stress if you're struggling to drop off - get up, do something relaxing for about half an hour like reading or knitting, and try again.
I am glad that you've been to the GP and I hope that you persevere with the CBT. I know there must be so much pain flooding back from the burden other people have made you carry - but CBT is all about learning to challenge and overturn negative thoughts and anxieties, and the first step to neutralising all this pain and turn it into pure strength is to face it.
You are being so courageous, please pat yourself on the back and don't fear the future.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 24-Sep-13 16:07:30

Reading through this, you really have come a long way in a very short amount of time.
The women on this site are fantastic support.
Just wanted to say - you are doing great and you are an inspiration!
Stop reading his texts and emails. He is a selfish arse and it's all about him! Well it's not. This is now all about you and your DC.
Keep contact to the bare minimum for contact.
I hope the ADs kick in soon (can take a while though so don't expect miracles) and you can get your head back in balance.

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 15:27:16

Stop answering the phone, then. He left you; why is he back on the phone, badgering you? why does he feel the need to comment on your health? And as for 'wasting' his time - well, that shows you what he thinks of 'women work'.
Dc wil lget used to it; if they are used to him being at home all the time, it may take a bit longer, but they will survive. They have you.
Bear in mind that ADs may take a while to work, and you may need to try a few before finding one which works for you.

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:08:01

Btw love the words by Winnie the Pooh

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 15:03:59

I actually told him straight this morning over the phone and then he hung up on me. Sent me a long txt all about him and how hes wasted his time looking after his kids whilst ive been working. i mean WTF!!!! wasted his time? i cant believe the things he comes out with. Im fuming!!!I just feel so broken at the minute. I'm up and down but managed to get some anti depresents from the doctors today. When I spoke to the ex on the phone he came out with, what is it this morning then? Really sarcastic. The kids keep asking for him and my youngest kept calling every man in the doctors surgery daddy, it was embarrassing.
NCFARR- I'm sorry you are struggling at the moment. I hope you are ok? Thank you for your lovely comment about be inspirational, it's very touching

namechangeforareasonablereason Tue 24-Sep-13 13:50:32

You are amazing.

When I was really bad my task was to leave my bedroom and Id feel I'd accomplished something if I did.

Look how strong you are keeping going for your girls. I'm proud of you. I'm struggling at the moment and you are inspiring me.

captainmummy Tue 24-Sep-13 12:29:03

Good luck with the Dr, Strong, it's shit that you have to jump through hoops to get an appointment. I'd have lost it with a receptionist who told me my case wasn't urgent! angry
Turn your phone off. Don't reply. You both need to go No Contact. If he still thinks you are together - well, I think i'd be tempted to tell him straight;- 'you have been abusing me, and i am not standing for it any more. You have left me, thank god.. The End'.

notsostrong1985 Tue 24-Sep-13 10:12:47

Thank you smile I managed to get a GP appointment today for 12:40pm but it was really difficult getting that. The receptionist first told me all appointments had gone and said only emergency ones left. I asked her for one of them and she asked what for. When I told her she said no that's not an emergency, can't give you one. I had to be very forcefull to get an appointment which is just crap. I was ringing for 20 mins from 8:00am trying to get through. It's just ridiculous. My children keep asking for their dad and he keeps texting, ringing, emailing. He has assumed we are still together and that he is having a break. Oh, thanks for the app idea, I will have a look

Jux Tue 24-Sep-13 08:19:03

I second everything that lisylisylou says.

That man is still sitting on your shoulder being disapproving. Counteract him with reality checks.

You are exhausted and shocked and mind-numbingly miserable BUT you got up, got your children sorted and got your little one to nursery.

Celebrate your achievements. Be aware of the things you do, and tell yourself well done for them. Well done for getting up. Well done for sorting out the los, and so on. It's just a little pat on the back for doing 'ordinary' things in extraordinary times. Those ordinary things are mountains you are scaling right now, but they won't always be. Imagine yourself in the future, happily getting the children up, they're running about and you are chasing after them - get your shoes on! eat your cereal! all that. You are laughing and the household is lively and fun.

Give yourself enough pats, and they have a cumulative effect. You will find yourself feeling more positive. The change may be imperceptible at first - probably will be - but at some point you will look at yourself and realise that you are seeing yourself differently. All steam ahead then!

Look at you fighting. You are fab!

lisylisylou Mon 23-Sep-13 22:59:45

You're giving yourself such a hard time that its consuming you. First of all your partner was verbally abusive to you in such a way that had my dh said any of that stuff I would have kicked him out! You have 2 really young children/babies that he's left with you meaning that you are actually the stronger one out of you both and the fact that you are on here asking for help shows that you are reaching out for support as anyone would. Your relationship has lasted 11 years which is a hell of a long time in this day and age so There must be something incredible about you. I would suggest you go to the doctors if you're constantly feeling this way! Take one day at a time and get as much help and support that you can. There are apps as well that can help with meditation and help with anxiety. Ive suffered with depression if i look back there's pain and anguish and if i look forward theres hope and light. Your daughters are incredibly lucky to have you and we can all see how much you love them. Be kind to yourself x

Agnesboo Mon 23-Sep-13 11:53:08

You are doing amazing, just remember you've had a shock and are coping really well.
Thinking of you xx

namechangeforareasonablereason Mon 23-Sep-13 11:51:49

You got her there, late doesn't matter, you are stronger than I was, when i was at the bottom, I couldn't even leave the house.

In the words of Winnie the Pooh, "there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"

You will get through this - I promise, things will ease.


notsostrong1985 Mon 23-Sep-13 10:45:30

I'm really tierd this morning and was 40 mins late getting my little one into nursery. Telephoned the GP but all appointments for today have gone now so I will try again tomorrow

Biscuitsareme Mon 23-Sep-13 10:22:51

I'm crying reading this thread and I haven't even read everything. OP you are SO STRONG for having survived your childhood and your abusive ex-partner! You deserve love and kindness and happiness and now is the opportunity to take steps in that direction. Remind yourself that your girls love you and you love them.

Good luck with the GP appointment and please keep talking. We're here to listen and support.

Wishing you flowers

LondonNinja Mon 23-Sep-13 09:59:37

Yes, please see the GP. Put all the crap behind you x

marriedinwhiteisback Mon 23-Sep-13 09:53:52

GP today please. Celebrate the fact that he's gone. This is the start of the rest of your life - a better life xx

justmuddlingthroughit Mon 23-Sep-13 08:26:47

Morning,*strong*. I'm absolutely shocked. What an utter arsehole he's been, I'm not surprised its been playing on your mind. Of course you're not stupid, this kind of thing is incredibly hard to switch off from. I mull over and get angry at the memory of far more trivial stuff than that!

I hope you managed to get some sleep; writing things down really can help to deal with them in your mind. Remember that none of this is because of you, it's all him. He chose to do these things to you because it made him feel superior to make another human being feel like crap.

Are you going back to your GP to see about anti depressants? I found they helped me to sleep a little better too, although they can take up to a month to work.

captainmummy Mon 23-Sep-13 08:19:33

Well.... thank God he left you 'because you made his life hell' !!!!!!

Wow I hope you are feeling better after that, Strong. How could you not? He's gone and your life will be infinitely better.

Hope you got some sleep

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