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I wish I could die

(151 Posts)
notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:12:30

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 14:52:36

I'm sorry if I upset you; I just wanted you to know how much love there is out here and that some of it is for a sad mummy. You can't change the past - I wish you could but with help and support you can change the future and make sure your dd's always have a pair of arms to run to - even when they are older than you are now.

Jux Fri 20-Sep-13 15:37:29

Please block him on your phone for now. He will not be helping you gather yourself together, just trying to put more pressure on you.

Well done on getting to the GP. That can be a massive undertaking in your situation, and you've done it! Hooray! See how strong you are?

Try to relax a bit for the weekend, get some dvds and have a duvet day, with cuddles. Put some music on loudly and sing out of tune! Muck about with the children.

You are doing well. You will be fine, I promise.

Livingtothefull Fri 20-Sep-13 19:15:22

This post has touched me so much. I think because despite all the hard times you have been through you have achieved so much to be proud of (working, study, caring for your DCs). I don't think any of the negative things you say about yourself are accurate, please try to be kind to yourself and use all available help to get through this hard time.

Btw I don't think your manager is calling you to hassle you or because they want you back in work, but because they have a duty of care. No responsible employer would want you to return to work before you are well enough. Try not to worry about this and give yourself some time and space before making any decisions for the future. Thinking of you

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:14:15

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:22:04

I wish it wasn't like this. I should have been a better person. I wish I could go back in time and put it right. I thought we would raise our children and grow old together.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 08:24:47

I think I need to go back to the GP and get anti depressants but its Saturday and they are not open till Monday now

captainmummy Sat 21-Sep-13 09:10:52

It's ok to cry, notso. You can grieve for the relationship - it doesn't make you weak.
Yy to going to Drs, you do need to tell them all about it.
Where are you? You don't need to say, but I am Surrey/Sussex borders if I can help; even just meet for coffee and a cake chat! You don't ned to be alone - in fact you are never alone with MN!

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 21-Sep-13 09:13:06

I'm sorry you have had a bad night. You are not alone; you have two lovely girls and us old hags on MNet. Please don't sit indoors all day today - get yourself and the girls out for a walk or to the park - find a mum there to chat to - have a bus ride and look at the sights - visit the pet shop and look at the guinea pigs and rabbits. Come home and at bath time let them have lots of bubbles or even a drop of food colouring in the bath water for fun; buy a bottle of bubbles and watch their faces as they blow them up to the sky.

Have you joined your local MNet or NetMums to meet some new people; find a local one o'clock club and take them there and meet some local mums; story time at the library - all the things that will get you out and about.

You are not rubbish; you are not useless; you are a clever girl with a life ahead of her. Just try to do one thing that cheers you up every day and strike up one conversation with one person you don't know.

If you are in SW London then pm me and I'll meet you for a coffee somewhere.

JuliaScurr Sat 21-Sep-13 09:18:21

sounds like you have depression
horrible - I've had it too
you will feel better with anti-depressants - keep going til you get some that suit you
do one little thing every day to make yourself feel better

RhondaJean Sat 21-Sep-13 09:22:18

My darling you are a wonderful person. You survived your childhood, put your all into a relationship, and are raising your amazing children. You have built a career with prospects and been accepted onto a very difficult course because they knew you could do it. Your employers believed in you so much they were willing to pay 9000 pounds for you.

Noone has ever told you this but YOU ARE AMAZING.

This will sound like claptrap but please get a piece of paper and write on it : I am amazing. I survived and more than that I made a good life for my children. I will survive this.

Then put it in your purse and keep it with you. There is something very powerful in the written word. And it is the truth.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:23:37

If you want tell us where you are if you are in Sheffield I will come and sit with you and chat xxx

namechangeforareasonablereason Sat 21-Sep-13 09:31:45

If you ring the doctors there will be a number for the out of hours surgery - they can make an appointment and prescribe anti depressants.

I have been to our out of hours for similar - they were lovely x

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:35:41

My doctor gave me a number for a mental health team when I felt suicidal after dp left.
I rang one weekend and ended up talking to a lovely man who i will never forget he was so kind and calming.
I'm sure ooh gp could give you a similar number to ring.

I wish I could give you a big hug, all I can say though is it will get better. Today will feel like a trial to get through but it's just for a short while and you will feel better.

Anniegetyourgun Sat 21-Sep-13 09:37:15

Did you actually notice that, bar a formulaic "hope u r ok" which you might say to a casual acquaintance, ex-partner's communication was all about himself? You have to believe he is suffering because HE walked out on YOU and it was so hard for him that he had to call you a lot of unnecessarily offensive names in the process. But you still mustn't think badly of him because it was hard for him and he misses you. Like hell he does. And here you are, the innocent party in this, someone who is going through a very tough time, being invited to accept all the blame for his suffering as well as your own. Ooh, that makes me so... grr!!!!! What a good thing this ghastly man isn't going to have the main upbringing of your girls as they grow and start to have their own ideas <shudder>

I totally agree with everyone who says don't rush to leave your job. You will need money and stability to help your girls and to keep yourself anchored to the real adult world. You do, however, need some time to sort out alternatives now your live-in cocklodger childcare has done a runner. So accept whatever concessions you can, take a deep breath, when you've got over the shock take stock and believe: you can do this. With everything you've achieved so far, you really are impressive.

Longtallsally Sat 21-Sep-13 09:39:44

Just seen this thread notso. Sending you lots of support and echoing the comments below from so many posters. You are an amazing woman who has two beautiful daughters and a career too, despite the awful burden you have been managing. If you need to take a year or two out of working to care for your children, that is an OK thing to do. That is what the benefit system is there for - to be a safety net in times of need. It won't be forever. But if you want to keep working part-time, then that is also OK - it can be managed, if that is what you choose.

You know now that your partner has been abusive, don't you? And that he will be expecting you to beg him to come back as proof that you need him/want him; and that he will probably try various tactics to get you to let him come back, once he discovers that you are a stronger woman than he ever believed.

I think you have not been helped by your CBT counsellor - you have not been given the tools to deal with your experiences and would echo the suggestions of others that more appropriate help and support - eg pathways - will leave you more empowered, not less.

Hoping that your GP can give you rl support. Keep on posting too.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 09:41:39

It will be hard but he needs to see that your life is nit going to fall apart without him.
Annie is correct in saying he sounds a bit me,me,me.
If you speak just tell him calmly you are taking a couple of weeks off to sort out childcare and then ask him about maintainence and sorting out his time to have the dc.
Watch him shit himself when he realises you are not going to roll over and give in.

LondonNinja Sat 21-Sep-13 10:13:03

I'm in SW London, too, if you want to meet.

OP, you mentioned your ILs saying you are too Westernised - I am guessing you are from a south Asian background? IME, abuse and mental health issues are even more poorly understood in these communities. There is a LOT of help out there, though. I promise.

Call the out of hours GP now, or go to a walk-in centre. Discuss antidepressants - they really can be a godsend. They take a few weeks to work but will hopefully give you some clarity and a boost. The nature of depression is that it really does feel like there is no way out. But there is always a way, and things will get better.

Your DH is no use nor ornament and feels suitably guilty, as he has proved he hasn't got it in him to last the distance and man up. And so he should feel bad, he's a right little diddums.

Concentrate on yourself and your DC now.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:50:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justmuddlingthroughit Sat 21-Sep-13 10:55:24

Reading this thread is re-affirming my belief in how lovely so many people are.

notso, if you are in the Bristol area, I'm around if you want to meet up with someone for a coffee. There are local mumsnet groups all over the country as well, if you need some rl support.

Please remember that the reason you have no support network is simply because you have been isolated. Your ex probably has a lot to do with that. But people do care about you, and people do want to help. You have only to ask.

justmuddlingthroughit Sat 21-Sep-13 10:57:07

Oops, I spent too long writing that post! blush

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 10:59:13

Just want to add that I am not intending to offend anyone with my last post regarding religion. This is just my perception.

marriedinwhiteisback Sat 21-Sep-13 11:00:55

I love the piece of paper idea too Rhonda.

OP - next time I am in Yorkshire and I come 3/4 times a year because it's where DH is from I'm going to try and find this thread and pm you and try to meet you for a coffee and a hug.

notsostrong1985 Sat 21-Sep-13 11:02:41

Thank you marriedinwhiteisback, that would be nice smile

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 11:03:03

Some stuff that helped me in the beginning.

If you can't face the thought of a full day stretching out break it up into 30 minute sections. I would set my alarm on my phone and think right I will get the kitchen sorted. And then I would think of something else to do like give the dc a lovely bubble bath that would take another half hour.
It sounds bizarre but it helped.

Get a notebook and write. Even if you burn it afterwards writing stuff down helps get the anger and sadness out.

Give yourself small treats each day such as a new top, or some nice body lotion.

If you can't face eating try and buy some of those milkshakes with added stuff in. And cook easy stuff for the dc. Mine lived on grapes and sandwiches for a couple of days (and lots of chocolate).

Watch netflix or something at night out on a nice film and drift away to it, it stops you thinking over things in a dark room and you need sleep it's a healer.

Disengage from him, I know it's hard but if you ignore the sooner the message hits home you are not a pushover.

If you feel like you need a friend go on the MN local boards and see if there is anyone in your area.

Agnesboo Sat 21-Sep-13 11:04:04

I am in South Yorkshire if you could easily get the train or bus to meadowhall I would be quite happy to meet and have a coffee too.

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