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I wish I could die

(151 Posts)
notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 22:12:30

I am sorry if my post offends anyone but I can't deal with my life anymore. I wish I could die.

I am a complete fuck up. I am a horrible nasty piece of shit and not worth the air I breath. If I didn't have my two children I would have killed myself by now. I wish I could die, I wish I was never born. I am a skinny rat, with nothing to offer and a whole fucked up personality. I have so many issues that I am trying to work through and these issues have completely fucked my life up. I am a control freak and a waste of space. My partner has left me for these reasons after 11 years of being together because I make his life hell. I struggle to deal with things that happened to me as a child and am currently having cognitive behaviour therapy which I thought would help but it has just made things worse as it has brought my past back up to the front of my mind and he can't deal with my moods as they make him mad. I have had to ring my manager at work today to tell him that I won't be coming back as my DP looked after the children and now he is gone and there is no one else. I am distort and a mess. My poor children, I have made their farther leave and he has said he is not coming back. I have messed everything up and there is no way back. I just wish I wasn't the person I am, I wish I could crawl under a stone and die

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:51:31

Thank you for trying to think of a way I could still do my course but there really isn't one. If I leave within 5 years from the start of the course then I have to pay the company the full amount back. I think the best thing is to leave because if I don't and end up going on the sick then I will eventually have to leave in the end.

namechangeforareasonablereason Thu 19-Sep-13 23:53:09

notso maybe you will and maybe you wont, but while you are on the sick you are being paid, and that will be a huge help to you x

Unlikelyamazonian Thu 19-Sep-13 23:56:35

You have no idea yet if you will have to leave and go on sick leave. Do not make anyh rash decisions now. Not tonight and not tomorrow. You need some RL support. Who do you have in RL to help and advise you - family? one or two good mates? Your exP can possibly still do childcare in the day while you do the MSc? He has a big responsibility towards his children. Is he planning on seeing them regularly?

Dont' tax yourself too much about it now - it's late. get some sleep. It will all be ok and get better. You will find a way through this.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:56:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

notsostrong1985 Thu 19-Sep-13 23:58:17

sorry should be saying ex partner

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 00:09:44

Thank you for helping me get through tonight. I am going to bed now as I have to get up early with the kids. I will think about making that GP appointment tomorrow.

LondonNinja Fri 20-Sep-13 00:11:38

Sleep well and be strong. We are here and you'll get RL help, too.

Do see the GP today.

Take care, OP X

MiauMau Fri 20-Sep-13 00:12:06

He's a heartless idiot if he left you and your children at a time of need like this.

TheSeaPriestess Fri 20-Sep-13 01:35:11

Oh love no wonder you feel so low, you have been through so much and your ex is quite frankly an abusive arsehole who makes you feel so much worse.

It may not seem like it now but I promise that your life will be so much better without him in it. You sound amazing to me, you have survived severe trauma and have still managed to study, look after your babies and work!

You are none of the things you said, please don't say things like that to yourself. That is not you, it is him. You wouldn't speak to someone you love like that, you are worthy of your love and compassion too. Really try to speak to yourself as you would someone you care about who was hurting. Be gentle and kind with yourself now, you are a human being who is understandably hurting. You will survive this, you will be happy again.

I know it feels like such a body blow him leaving but trust me, it is the silver lining in this cloud.

Love to you, I hope you sleep well and feel better in the morning.

LondonNinja Fri 20-Sep-13 08:45:09

How are you, OP?

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 08:59:08

Don't let him back OP - it doesn't sound like he will help you to recover. You will be just fine. From your nname I think you are only about 10 years younger than my DS - I wish I could be your mum for a little while. Hugs.

happyhev Fri 20-Sep-13 09:30:15

OP you have suffered terrible abuse in your childhood and from your partner. It is no wonder you're finding life difficult. But the things you have said about yourself really aren't true. The fact that you are valued enough by your employer to have them fund your MA speaks volumes. You have survived a great deal in your life and you will survive this. You are an intelligent, loving and strong women who through no fault of your own has had some really awful experiences.

Unlikelyamazonian Fri 20-Sep-13 09:43:41

I hope you got some sleep or at least rest OP. Today is a new day. Deep breaths and small steps. make sure you have something to eat. Ring your GP asap and see if you can get some immediate help. I know not everyone approves of anti-depressants but I found them a godsend - a crutch that helped my soul feel less buffeted by severe emotional lows.

Who is there in RL whom you can lean on? Sending you strength today and over the weekend.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 09:55:02

How are you, Op?

Abuse dating back from one's childhood has a nasty way of raising it's long shadow when you have children yourself. All the issues come flooding back because you see in your own children just how vulnerable you were back then.

It is overwhelming, but you can get through it without drowning.
You are a strong survivor. You have an McSc lined up, that doesn't happen to just anyone. Try to stop putting yourself down.
Your self esteem needs a good lift and you should start by recognising your own achievements.

After what I've read about your partner I think you are better off without him. Childcare is a big issue, but don't throw your plans away before you have considered all the options.
I hope your employer has talked to you and been helpful.

Even if this does not get resolved and you cannot get the McSc sorted out, you can still do it in the future, when the children are a bit older.

Use the anger you have to work through your past. Being angry is good! I promise once those issues are dealt with, life gets easier. Control issues can be controlled, your anger will disappear and you will lead a life you always wanted and didn't know how to get. You sound like you have that plan for a better life. You can do it!

justmuddlingthroughit Fri 20-Sep-13 10:14:10

How are feeling this morning, op?

I definitely agree with those saying not to make any decisions about leaving work just yet; you are fully entitled to sick leave, and even if you decide later not to go back, you will have given yourself time to consider your options. Right now everything will be feeling very raw, and your first instinct will be to stay at home and look after your babies, but leaving work is not a decision to be taken lightly, Particularly when your employer thinks enough of you to fund a master's degree. Get whatever help you can from your GP . I second anti depressants as a useful tool in certain situations; they can just take the edge off as it were, allowing you to think a little more clearly. It might be better to have the full discussion with your employer in a few weeks; perhaps just tell them for now that you have been signed off work (any GP worth their degree will sign you off, you so clearly need it), and that you will talk to them in more detail when you're feeling a bit more steady. The MSc may be put off for a year or even more, but don't give up on it.

We're all rooting for you; you have been exceptionally strong, even if you don't see it now.

Jux Fri 20-Sep-13 12:25:23

Notsostrong, I don't believe you are any of those things your ex called you. I bet a lot of your difficulties will be better now he's gone.

Go off sick for a while, look for childcare, see CAB to ensure you're getting all the help you are entitled to.

I reckon that given a couple of weeks without him, and using that time to sort out practicalities, you'll be able to go back to work. All of that will also help you feel more positive about the future without the fuckwit hanging on your coat-tails.

You've had an awful lot to cope with, from a very young age, but you are still here, still trying, and you are STRONG! You are Herculean!

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:50:03

Thank you everyone. Your support is amazing and really helping me right now. I am up and down today and randomly crying. Marriedinwhiteisback- your post made me cry. I really wish I had a mother to hug me right now but it was her who covered the sexual abuse up. It wasn't her fault, my farther would beat her up on a regular so who knows what was going through her head. I went to the GP this morning and they have signed me off with stress for two weeks. My manager wants me to call him next week to see how I am. I wish they would stop pressuring me as they want me back in work. Partner has emailed me this morning as my phone has been. I have copied and pasted his email below:
Hi Xxxx, hope u r ok. Just want u to know this was the hardest decision to make. Probably wrong one as either way my life's not gonna get better. Im constantly alone sat in silence. Not eating as cant be at my dads it depresses me. Miss u all very much.

notsostrong1985 Fri 20-Sep-13 12:51:08

Sorry it should say my phone has been off.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 12:59:04

notso, stop letting your partner put pressure on you.
So he's sad and can't eat? Poor him. Tell him to leave you alone, he's left you when you are in a bad place, shame on him.

Well done for getting the sick note. You have some breathing space now to try and sort things out.
Stay strong brew flowers

Trigglesx Fri 20-Sep-13 13:04:19

Make yourself and your DCs your priority. Let your ex-partner fend for himself - he's an adult.

Do what's best for you.

Stropzilla Fri 20-Sep-13 13:07:51

Oh my love he's done a number on you hasn't he? You are not shit or ugly. You do not deserve this in any way. Abusive men make you feel like it's your fault and you're lucky to have them because otherwise you'd be able to leave them. Don't believe a word of it. Work want you back because they value you. Your lovely girls value you. He doesn't and is a twat.

I wonder if him leaving is part of a dramatic scene that makes him the star? Has he done this before? Sometimes these men leave to knock you back into place so you will be grateful when they come back and stop questioquestioning them. He's done you a favour. Now he's out, keep him out. Its ok to cry and feel crap.
I wish so much I could pop over for a coffee and give you a hug and tell you things will get better but I can't but please believe me. You are stronger than you realise.

namechangeforareasonablereason Fri 20-Sep-13 13:30:36

fucking tosser - emotionally manipulating you and trying to make you feel bad because he has walked out

ignore hi,m even better block his emails

as for work, they have to stay in touch, its not to pressure you to go back but to ensure they are legally fulfilling their duties under duty of care

justmuddlingthroughit Fri 20-Sep-13 13:37:54

I don't think work are necessarily trying to pressure you back into work by asking for a call next week; I went off sick with stress for six weeks a few years ago and spoke to my boss around once a week, just to keep him updated on how I was. It was really just to keep in touch and monitor whether I'd be likely to be off for just a few weeks or several months. Also, from what I remember, two weeks is the initial time a doctor will sign you off for, just to see how you do. It does not mean you have to go back after two weeks if you're not ready, your GP should have no problem in extending your note if you need it.

Your ex has certainly tried to pull the guilt trip on you, hasn't he? Please don't let him wheedle his way back into your affections; he has been abusive, and will be so again if you take him back. You are a stronger person that he is.

AmyMumsnet (MNHQ) Fri 20-Sep-13 14:16:18

Hi there,

Thanks for bringing this to our attention.

notsostrong1985 we are sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time. We'd like to echo everybody on the board and suggest that you seek help in real life as well as on the boards.

You might find some of the links here useful too.

Wishing you the very best from MNHQ.

marriedinwhiteisback Fri 20-Sep-13 14:48:38

I'm sorry if I upset you; I just wanted you to know how much love there is out here and that some of it is for a sad mummy. You can't change the past - I wish you could but with help and support you can change the future and make sure your dd's always have a pair of arms to run to - even when they are older than you are now.

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