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Experiences of relate etc

(16 Posts)
Stripesonmysocks Thu 19-Sep-13 20:08:54

2 sessions in and I am finding relationship counselling REALLY hard.

I was brave enough to tell DH what I thought was the hardest thing during our last session. That I am exhausted, sick of it and almost past caring and I want a marriage where I want to be with my spouse not one that feels like an unsupported, competitive endurance test. He just said 'I knew all that you told me 5 months ago'.

We didn't see each other after the session as I was out and he was asleep when I got back.

Have felt sick all day. Dreading him coming home. I sit and read the threads here so jealous of those that have left then look at my kids and my heartstrings are tugged. DH doesn't want to split and I just feel guilty guilty for for being unhappy and wanting to break my family up.

Any words of wisdom?

Stripesonmysocks Thu 19-Sep-13 20:12:46

Forgot to add that although counselling is emotionally draining when I'm there and supported by the counsellor I think 'yes I could do it, I could leave' my resolve and strength crumbles when I am home and and think 'well it's not all awful am I just lonely and selfish'.

Is this most people's experience?

Sorry am just totally out of sorts today and Dreading the weekend.

Justconfused Thu 19-Sep-13 20:24:43

Thats a coincidence as I posted a little earlier re marriage counselling - we only went once and it was a complete disaster. In fact I found it excruciating and thought the hour would never pass. I went home drained and exhausted. Did you go to Relate OP ? MyDH had an affair earlier this year which is why we went

liquidstate Thu 19-Sep-13 20:34:28

I went to relate with my husband. No affairs or anything I just felt so down and unsure about being married. Basically I felt trapped. My DH is so different to me and it was causing constant conflict and I was just so exhausted.

It worked brilliantly for us. We had a fantastic counselor. It is hard though and we often came home and didn't speak for hours. We had about 10 sessions in total, 4 of which were individual (2 each).

I found that it took time though and up until the 8th or 9th session I was still convinced we were not going to survive as a married couple.

Dahlen Thu 19-Sep-13 20:46:36

Sorry you're finding it tough. sad

What are you hoping to achieve from counselling? Do you want to try to repair your relationship or are you hoping it will provide you with the means to split as amicably as possible? Or don't you know yet?

FWIW I think chronic indecision is a natural part of the process before making a concerted effort to fix things or a definite decision to go. The length varies depending on personality and circumstance, but it's very normal.

Justconfused Thu 19-Sep-13 20:47:02

Liqidstate can I ask if it was through Relate ?

Justconfused Thu 19-Sep-13 20:47:50

Sorry liquidstate , just saw that you said it was relate !

Stripesonmysocks Thu 19-Sep-13 20:57:24

Liquidstate thank you.

I am not sure what I want.

We are there as things have been not great for years and we don't communicate and (unbeknown to DH) I developed - and am now getting past - a massive overwhelming infatuation on a totally unavailable other which made me think 'woah - something really is bad here'. I think I want to be on my own but something keeps me in my marriage. I am also in therapy to look at my own unhappiness.... Is it my marriage or me?

I am scared of making the actual decision to leave but would be not distraught if DH said he wanted to split IYSWIM.

Dahlen Thu 19-Sep-13 21:02:50

Oh Stripes, I think you're going to be fine. brew

You're obviously at the start of this journey, and it IS a journey. Don't beat yourself up about not knowing what to do yet.

You know why I think you'll be ok? It's these phrases: I developed - and am now getting past - a massive overwhelming infatuation on a totally unavailable other and I am also in therapy to look at my own unhappiness.... Is it my marriage or me? Are you aware of how unusual you are simply because you are able to view yourself with that degree of impartiality and sense of responsibility? You really will be fine.

I don't know if splitting or separating is the best thing for you. TBH it will probably take some time before you do. But I'm pretty sure you will make a decision, and when you do you will follow it with 100% conviction.

Stripesonmysocks Thu 19-Sep-13 22:49:30

Thanks dahlen.

Struggling a bit today as found out thru grapevine that unavailable other may day be on the way to becoming available.. Has set me back with the infatuation/longing/fantasy. I have obliterated my online self so I have no links to their fb or anything so I don't sit and stalk and moon.

Have sent DH to therapy too to get to grips with his own unhappiness. He has admitted to being selfish, immature, angry and hard to live with. Day to day we're at the polite flatmates stage - we communicate so little other than about mundane stuff ('where are DS3's shoes', 'shall I reheat that for supper') that we don't even do arguing.

History of shitty selfish neglect of my needs, emotionally unavailable, some EA leaving me basically as his caretaker and a seething mass of resentment.

Glenshee Thu 19-Sep-13 23:48:22

Have you considered having individual sessions, so that you can explore and address your own issues, as well as things which you are not prepared to openly discuss in the presence of your DH at this stage?

I don't think counseling is or should be easy - it is quite common for the sessions to be draining. It can be hard work.

I found that the book The Road Less Travelled helped me to understand (somewhat) how therapy works.

But, according to this book... 'life is difficult'


Glenshee Thu 19-Sep-13 23:51:08

liquidstate - can I ask how you came to the conclusion that you don't need any more counseling, after your 10 sessions?

liquidstate Fri 20-Sep-13 00:01:47

Basically - we didn't have the money to continue and it was going well so we based the last two sessions on coping mechanisms to deal with each others 'differences'. DH does not comment on my driving and I don't get snarky when he interrupts my 'me' time. Or at least we try to! We can obviously go back if we feel we need more sessions.

Stripes I also had a huge infatuation and still do daydream sometimes with a completely unavailable person. The counseling made me realize that this was a coping mechanism to deal with the unhappiness in my marriage. A safe place in my mind where I could escape to.

FrancescaBell Fri 20-Sep-13 00:28:51

Sounds like you need a session on your own with the counsellor to talk about your crush. It's a bit of an elephant in the room and from what I've heard, having a secret like that is going to hamper the counsellor's ability to help you and understand the dynamics of where you're both at in this relationship.

LemonDrizzled Fri 20-Sep-13 09:34:03

Stripes I was you four years ago, including the inappropriate infatuation (which became a short affair) and the resentment and anger at looking after a man child.

In my case I went to Relate and found it soul destroying. Everything was my fault and my H was a wronged man. I used to sob and apologise and feel worse and worse. I went for two years of individual therapy as well and it saved me. We changed to a different better joint therapist and I came to see I was in an abusive relationship. Hence why the joint counselling was so useless. My H went to a therapist because he felt he was missing out but he felt all the therapists were against him and took my side hmm

Reader I left him... and three years on with a lot of hard work I am calm and happy with a lovely new DP and a better life. XH is still a victim and I am still to blame for ruining the DCs lives but I can live with that grin . They are all thriving! I HAVE taken responsibility and he never will.

Keep on trying - you have a right to happiness - but keep away from OM until you have resolved your relationship. I wish I had!

LemonDrizzled Fri 20-Sep-13 10:01:01

The lightbulb moment for me was going home from the supermarket one evening. I eyed up a bus and thought seriously about being run over instead of going home to more grief from H. Then I realised however traumatic a split-up it would still be better than killing myself. And if you knew me you would never ever ever expect that sort of drama. I am the sensible coping sort who just gets on with it without complaining.

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