Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

what's going on here?

(30 Posts)
neverendingjoy Thu 19-Sep-13 13:22:53

I am confused about the way that I am reacting to things, I don't know whether it is me or if it is h who is causing it.

This morning I had a minor car accident, someone bumped into my car when it was parked, so I hadn't done anything wrong. It was a small dent, I wasn't worried about the car or about the money to fix it as the nice girl who hit my car immediately came to find me to tell me and give me her details (we were both at a mother-toddler group). However, because of where we live (abroad) we had to call someone to sort it out and the police had to be called too for paperwork reasons. I am 37 weeks pregnant and was also having to deal with this with my 2 year old. None of this bothered me. The only thing that bothered me was what would my h say. I didn't have my wallet on me with my driving license as I had forgotten it, I realised this on my way out but thought it didn't matter as I didn't need any money with me. I do know that it is the law here to carry your driving license at all times when driving, but I just thought it's unlikely I'll have an accident and rather than go back into the house, I'll just leave it.

So I was afraid of what he would say about that and about the fact that my phone battery was running very low so I had to tell him to call me on someone else's phone in case my battery died. He had to come from work in the end because we thought maybe he would need to present his driving license when the police were called. Anyway, it was all fine but he did comment about my not having my license. When everyone left I burst into tears and told him that I feel so upset that I am in a relationship where I am afraid of what my h will say about such stupid, petty things. I was already feeling tense all morning because he has been acting distant and cold towards me since we had an argument on monday (I posted about that too). He was apologetic, said he is just stressed about money and has been trying to stop drinking for the past few days and that he was struggling with this but it is in nothing I have done causing him to be like this.

I just feel like his constant criticisms are making me on edge and paranoid. I feel like I approach every situation thinking 'what will HE say or think about this?' rather than thinking about it from my own perspective. The stupid thing is, this only seems to have happened for the past month or 2 since I have been at home (maternity leave) and have been trying to be nicer to him. I knew he felt taken for granted before and when he grumbled about this or that I didn't really react, I knew what was important to me and that was what counted. I wanted to try and make more effort to be a good wife to him as I thought he deserved that. Now I just feel rubbish. I don't know what to do, I think he is worried about my reaction earlier and I will explain to him later what I am feeling but I just don't understand why I am feeling like this in the first place.

neverendingjoy Thu 19-Sep-13 14:32:03

He certainly had a very difficult childhood and he is very like his father, a fact that he acknowledges and hates. It is obviously bothering him too at the moment as I didn't know he was trying to cut out drinking, it was just earlier today he asked me if I had noticed. I told him he should have told me if he was doing that as I can support him but he said he didn't want to do it for anyone else, he wanted to see if he could do it by himself.

neverendingjoy Thu 19-Sep-13 14:36:06

Cogito- I know it sounds like that and it really feels all doom and gloom to me at this moment, but believe it or not we were laughing and joking just days ago. We have his parents close by so we regularly have time just the 2 of us while they babysit and just last weekend we had time just lazing about in bed and messing around like we were just dating again. I guess we are both quite highly strung though which is why things get quite out of proportion.

peggyundercrackers Thu 19-Sep-13 14:48:28

sounds normal to me. i dont think it was right your parents had words with him when he was trying to fix your house even though it was just a few days after you had the baby - if its for your family the he is trying to do the right thing.

I also get annoyed if people loose or break things and normally i say something - ive got friends who are like you and they think its unimportant but it really rips my knitting but my OH is like this too. OHs mum lost DDs little snuggle thing she carries about the other day, its not DDs favourite nor was it expensive but even i was surprised about how much was said about it. Just because you dont value something doesnt mean other people feel the same - you should respect that.

neverendingjoy Thu 19-Sep-13 14:56:21

Peggy- I appreciate what you are saying, I agree that I am perhaps a bit too flippant about some things, that's just a difference in personality. I don't feel it's worth getting upset over material things but he has known real hardship so is coming at it from a diff standpoint.

The thing about my parents though is tricky though as while I do get why he was upset with me about it, it also happened at a very vulnerable time, me being in a different country, very isolated and told them without meaning to and they spoke to him individually and without my knowing. They were about to go back home, leaving me abroad with a new baby and were very worried about me. I don't think he should still be holding this against me 2 years later.

peggyundercrackers Fri 20-Sep-13 20:06:57

2 yrs? wow that's a long time - no its not right someone should hold a grudge for that long.

on the first point your OH seems to be coming at it from my OH view point too - extreme hardship. because of the hardship they were going through at the time everything which was bought was a considered purchase - even food - so anything lost/broken was a minor disaster because at that point in time there was no money to replace it and no prospect of money to replace it - this was a long time ago and things have changed drastically for the better however those values of worth are still ingrained.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now