Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
My DH is always right. Always.(178 Posts)
When I got together with my DH six years ago, we quickly discovered, after the honeymoon period where we just about agreed on everything, that actually we are polar opposites on everything. All the inconsequential stuff. All the important stuff. Totally different. I even found out recently that he considers my taste to be garish. It's like nothing about us suits the other.
The unpleasant undertone to these fundamental differences is that he is older than me (only by 7 years) and assumes a somewhat parental/older brother attitude when it comes to disagreements. As if I'm just a bit slow on the uptake, possibly, or haven't finished school yet.
We reached an amicable truce several years ago, because we do hugely enjoy some areas of our relationship, and we make each other laugh and think, so it wasn't worth quitting the relationship even though it means we just can't civilly discuss politics or anything important.
Sorry, gibbering merrily away but don't want to dripfeed. I'll get to the point.
I'm a SAHM. Our DD is 4 months old. I do the lion's share, but DH will contribute. The trouble is, he will argue with me about how I do things, and question and question and quibble over and over. Discussions reoccur every week. I feel like he can't stand not being the one 'in the right' in this particular instance, even though I really am not heavy-handed about 'being the one at home', I really don't swan about like I am All That just because I do 90% of the parenting, but I get this sense from him that his opinion is still the only one that matters here, he is right, and he is going to do things his way, even when it detrimentally affects both of us.
It's really colouring my feelings for him significantly. I can't help but dislike him. I feel like it's the height of arrogance. The equivalent would be for me to appear in his office and gesture casually towards his computer and say, 'well, that's wrong for a start, but I'll fix it.'
Maybe there's even this sense of jostling for control, which I don't know how to handle. Next we're going to be arranging performance meetings and talking in corporate business speak.
He does sound awful. This happened to me. It took the birth of our first child for my STBXH to show his true colours. He seemed to find fault with everything I did with our baby - put me on trial, interrogated me whenever there was a small hiccup (e.g. nappy rash), criticised, undermined me, disputed all the routines we had... so that when he 'helped' he always did things 'his way', so he would just abandon her nap or change the routine causing upset and bother all the way. Everything he did or said was an implicit or explicit criticism of me.
I found I was in a power battle that was not of my making or choosing. He was doing it, and he obviously resented any iota of power that he thought I had. All this when - like you - I was a SAHM and doing 90 per cent of the childcare. It makes your home life horrific because he picks at everything and your are always tense. I felt like I was being treated like an underperforming employee or servant. It didn't matter how much I told him that, he refused to change his behaviour or acknowledge how out of order he was, still less apologise (God Forbid).
Unfortunately, I realised that what I had uncovered was his fundamental misogyny - I was shocked! There was no respect for me at at. My H actually believes deep down me becoming a mother meant that I was subordinate and inferior - but I didn't get the memo! I can't believe I married a man who actually thought/thinks these things. I did everything to try to prove that this could not be true, but in the end that was the only thing that added up. We split up. His behaviour was obnoxious and appalling and ground me down to a point where it was sink or swim. He had to go. And this was the man that I had truly loved and wanted to grow old with!
You have to get over the incredulity about the way he is treating you. Because it is outrageous. It is outrageous that he has no respect for you. He is being abusive. And it is a shock to recognise that. Tread carefully. Yes, stand your ground and tell him that you will not be bullied - but that won't necessarily work. Start to think about whether life might be better without him turning your home into an emotional torture chamber. I echo what thecatfromjapan said in her wise post. I fear you are being 'tenderised'. Don't let him erode your self-esteem to the point where you can't get out or get him out. Have you talked to RL friends and family? You need validation at this stage, because you'll start not to know what's 'normal'/acceptable/bad. This stuff messes with your head - be certain of one thing - it's not you, it's HIM.
I think you need to look at how things might be if you separate - money, who lives where, child care, and once you have your head round that and sort of accept that that is a possibility, then you are in a much better position to deal with DH a you are no longer in the 'OMG what would happen if we split up' fear mode. So then you stop appeasing or trying to fix things because you are worried about what he might do.
You can then start thinking about what you want in life and how to get there.
You can't change another person you can only change yourself.
JaceyBee no, he wasnt like that at all. Your typical Mr Nice Guy. We were talking for a year before we even dated, then spent another couple of years dating before moving in together & in all that time, no red flags came up. I think he just hid his character.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.