Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

(144 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 19:43:18

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

Fozziebearmum2be Wed 18-Sep-13 21:20:58

Whilst people don't get paper bills anymore, most mobile providers will have a webchat service. I.e. you don't speak with them so if you know his personal details you may be able to get through security (although try it yourself first as not sure if they send a code to your phone first).

Or, you may be able to log onto his mobile account. I.e. O2 have a myo2 app if you know his password for fb, you might be able to get in.

I doubt you can retrieve deleted fb msgs, but someone else might know.

I'm with the others though, don't tell unless you have more to go on.

BitOutOfPractice Wed 18-Sep-13 21:23:55

He sounds charming!

I expect he was aggressive like that because he's on the defence. He knows you've seen the message and he's shitting himself. Keep our powder dry and watch and learn

Good luck op. it doesn't sound good but then again I'm rather jaded!

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 21:25:11

Lemonstar that's great advice! I'll just get my 3 year old & baby up out their beds & pack our cases shall i??

Vivacia Wed 18-Sep-13 21:30:24

chubby I get your point about Lemon's LTB comment, but honestly if my partner issued a threat like that I'd tell him "No, don't worry. In fact don't worry about coming home at all" and lock him out.

Sandshoes73 Wed 18-Sep-13 21:30:26

Please don't say anything until you have more to go on. He will deny and have you doubting yourself. Take a screenshot of anything suss before he deletes it. Hope all ok

PrincessWellington Wed 18-Sep-13 21:33:57

On the facts given, it sounds does sound suspect.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 18-Sep-13 21:41:15

You could just tell him you have been thinking about the way he is with his phone and the fact that he has changed the password and you are concerned that there is something going on. Don't let on about the Facebook password.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 21:46:09

Don't stay up. Go to bed and blank him. Use a bit of aggression yourself if he asks what it was all about - I would invent some problem with one of the kids, worried about them being ill or something and add 'but since you got so arsy about it I just dealt with it myself!' Distract him away from thinking it's about the messages and he may drop his guard, and/or you may get a chance to look again.

34DD Wed 18-Sep-13 22:02:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Dahlen Wed 18-Sep-13 22:41:27

Do you need proof? Think before you answer that, because the instinctive reaction is always to say of course because you don't want to split up the family, disrupt everyone's lives for no good reason, etc.

But think about why you're suspicious and what his reactions tell you.

In a loving relationship in which there is no history of infidelity and partners treat each other with love and respect, sudden possessiveness over a phone does not automatically lead to the suspicion of an affair. It's indicative that something is different and that the owner of that phone wants to keep it private, but the reasons for that could be numerous. When asked about it, a non-guilty person may get a little defensive at first, but will later confess to something, and even if not happy to reveal what is going on will concede that yes something is happening but they're not ready to talk about it (the spouse may not accept that, of course).

In a relationship in which there is love, respect and fidelity, someone who is challenged on their secrecy may still get angry and defensive, but won't come out with "there better not be any crap when I get home" which is not only rude but aggressive and designed to put you in your place.

He's scored two black marks even before we consider the facebook message and its hasty deletion.

The world is full of people who were completely blindsided by their DH/W/Ps affairs. Most of them never suspected a thing until confronted with irrefutable evidence. The fact that that you consider him capable of having an affair speaks volumes. Either you are a crazy woman with some massive insecurity and jealousy issues, or he is behaving in a way that is undermining your trust in him. Given the way he speaks to you and handles your requests for reassurance, my money is on the latter.

TalkativeJim Wed 18-Sep-13 22:49:20

Dahlen speaks much sense OP.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 22:52:11

Yes, dahlen is right.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 22:52:37

U ok op?

Handbagsonnhold Wed 18-Sep-13 23:04:58

It's an awful feeling to have that of your gut feeling.....seldom wrong in my experience....and as incredibly hard as it is, try not to let him know you are onto him to much.....he'll just try harder to hide things. Easier said than done I know.....He will trip himself up soon enough if he does have something to hide....

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 23:28:37

Not really. Am going to my bed now, he's been showing on my mobile as being online on FB for most of the night, checked again, there's
no new messages but if he was instant messaging or using Facebook chat then the messages would prob be deleted straight away. Not going to confront him tonight but its going to eat me up.

Dahlen Wed 18-Sep-13 23:30:03

Hope you feel better and a bit clearer headed after some sleep. Take care.

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 23:31:37

Thanks Dahlen, very wise words.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 23:33:37

Honestly....keep your cards close to your chest. Sleep well and look after yourself x

TessTackle Wed 18-Sep-13 23:35:10

I don't know exactly how, maybe someone more tech savvy can help. But; I accidentally sent all received Facebook messages to my boyfriends phone from his account, not snooping but just trying to type nonsense to his friends to be annoying. If you have his password you can get them sent to your phone somehow x

Blondeorbrunette Thu 19-Sep-13 00:33:26

There is a way that you can retrieve deleted msgs. It was exp on a thread recently.

Maybe post a thread asking for help.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 03:09:26

Ok so he came in from work & woke me up to ask what was so urgent I had to speak to him about. Cut a long story short, told him again I was suspicious of how defensive he was and was there anything going on, he says no. Is he doing something or messaging someone he shouldn't, he says no. I then say how can he lie to me, he's not. I then couldn't help myself, told him he'd left himself logged in on the laptop & I saw he'd msgd his ex on FB (didn't tell him I know password).

It turns out they've been msg ing each other as she is in Singapore.she was home for a few days 2 weeks ago & they met up for a coffee, she had her 9 month daughter with her & her husband knew they were meeting up. He took the morning off his a course he is doing to meet her, as far as I knew he left that morning for his course.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 03:15:33

He didn't tell me because I'm a psycho, would've gone mental etc etc etc. it was all my fault that he lied. This was 2 weeks ago he met her for coffee, she's back in Singapore. . WTF are they still messaging?

Apparently he wanted to meet up with her to get 'closure' on the way their relationship ended. . They were together only a year and it ended 12 fucking years ago!! And if he got his closure, why has he been messaging her still 2 weeks later??

As I suspected it was all my fault, our marriage is shit, I make him miserable, I'm everything under the sun. He didn't even apologise about the whole thing.

I left the house straight away & went to my best friends for an hour, he didn't even text/phone to see where I was. He's now sleeping soundly upstairs and I'm fucking fuming. Told him before I left this was the nail in the coffin of our marriage, says he doesn't care.

He told me if he was in a happy marriage he prob wouldn't have met up with her but because things haven't been great recently he thought, why not, he was gonna get moaned at anyway.

So while I've been sitting at home looking after his 2 children stressing out about money etc he's arranging coffee dates with his ex behind my back.

I'm having lunch at his mums tomorrow, do I tell her.

Where the fuck do I go from here. I'm so upset.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 03:19:04

Is anyone still up??

elizadofuckall Thu 19-Sep-13 03:26:57

I'm still up although I'm rubbish at giving advice.

It sounds like he has no respect for you at all sad and if it were me I'd call him on it and tell him to fuck off then.

chubbychipmonk Thu 19-Sep-13 03:30:36

We've got a 3 year old & a 5 month old baby. I don't want to split my family up. Am scared of being a single parent.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now