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Is he cheating? Don't know what to do.

(144 Posts)
chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 19:43:18

Ok so for the last few weeks things have been really shit with me & DH.

Have a 3 year old & new baby & he is out at work all the time. Hardly see each other, I'm still off work.

For last few weeks his phone has been glued to his side & password changed. Asked him why changed & got the usual 'why you trying to look in my phone?' Etc. . Eh, because its been fucking glued to your side! Asked him outright if there was something going on, answers no.

I later realised I have access to his Facebook as I know the password. Nothing untoward until today at 4pm he had msg'd an ex (who I had no clue he was in contact with), 'Are you back yet?' There was also an arrow indicating that this was a reply message. No other messages.

They're not friends on Facebook either. He wasat a course today & didn't start work till 5pm, I phoned his work at 5.30pm& he was there. I know he was defo at his course too as people I know are on it. After I phoned his work he deleted the message.

Her Facebook page is private but her status says she lives in Singapore now but is from here.

Now my mind is running away with me thinking she's back from Singapore and just hasn't updated Facebook & that they're having an affair or that they've been texting / messaging each other.

Do I let on to DH that I know? He's gonna think I'm a stalking psycho. He's not due in from work till after midnight but I really want to ask him what's going on? Or do I wait & see if there's more messages? Or am I really reading too much into it? I really want to see in his phone now & see what's going on but I don't know the fucking password!

Sorry for rambling!

Trigglesx Wed 18-Sep-13 19:54:15

Even if you can't access his phone, do you have access to his phone bill? Are the calls itemised? Might give you some more info to go on.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 19:57:45

Wait. If anything is going on and you ask now, he'll deny, make out like you're mad. Wait it out and see. Maybe it's innocent. However.....the defensive "why are u looking at my phone" is what my xp said when he was guilty.
I really hope it's innocent. X

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 19:59:12

I'd also add to listen to your instincts. That feeling in your gut. You often know before you know if that makes sense.

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 20:12:50

Can't get access to his phone bill, does anyone even get paper bills anymore?

I know if I ask him he'll turn it round on me saying 'why was I snooping?' Etc. Might say he left himself logged on on his laptop & I read the message that way because if he realises I know his password then he'll change it. I just feel sick to my stomach knowing he's been messaging an ex. And obviously not innocently otherwise it wouldn't be swiftly deleted.

He's just phoned from work coz I text him asking when he was going to be in. We've now fallen out because I said I would speak to him when he gets in & he's ranting down the phone 'just tell me now what you want to speak to me about'. I just put the phone down on him.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 20:17:11

Don't let on you have looked at his Facebook. Make up some other thing you 'wanted to walk to him about'. As mamma said, he will deny it at the moment. Painful I know but you will be more likely to know for sure what's going on if you wait.

Writerwannabe83 Wed 18-Sep-13 20:17:39

I once thought my ex was cheating. I rang up his mobile phone provider and told them he was in hospital after having been attacked (a complete lie) and that the police desperately needed copies of all his phone records shock They bought my story and gave me the passwords to his online phone records!! I couldn't believe how easy it was!

I logged straight on and let's just say, I wasn't surprised by what I saw. An endless log of calls to the woman in question and 100's of text messages to her too!

I'm a big believer in trusting your gut instincts!!

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 20:22:49

Please don't ask him!! Honestly, he'll tell you something half plausible- you'll have to accept it then he'll change the password. Just wait and watch. If he's cheating he'll just deny and you'll get more confused and paranoid. Stay calm, check Facebook over next few days and just wait. He'll eventually prove himself innocent or you'll find something else to question. Is there anything else that's made you concerned?

KatyTheCleaningLady Wed 18-Sep-13 20:29:05

I agree. You need to wait and watch.

Blondeorbrunette Wed 18-Sep-13 20:35:45

As hard as it is you have to sit on this. Easier said than done i know. If you want the truth and not his version of it, its the only way.

I hope he isnt cheating x

MysteriousHamster Wed 18-Sep-13 20:40:24

Isn't there a way to see deleted items on facebook? I'm sure someone wiser will be along soon.

mammadiggingdeep Wed 18-Sep-13 20:44:08


chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 20:45:21

What else can I say now? I said I wanted to talk to him when he got in. He's just left a phone message saying 'he'd better not be going home to any crap when ones in after midnight & he's got to get up at 7am.

I think he knows I've seen it & that's why he's so defensive. If I keep my mouth shut so I can monitor for a few days then wtf am I going to say I was staying up till he came home to talk to him about??

totallydone Wed 18-Sep-13 20:46:57

Just go to bed and pretend to be asleep. It may buy you a bit more time and he may forget about it tomorrow

Vivacia Wed 18-Sep-13 20:48:29

I was going to say that you can't say anything, because there's nothing to say. Then I refreshed the thread and read this, "he'd better not be going home to any crap when...". Does he really talk to you like that?

Trigglesx Wed 18-Sep-13 20:53:13

Charming fellow. hmm Just go to sleep and if he asks maybe say you just wanted to spend some down time chatting, that's all, but since he was going to be late, you figured it'd be best for another time.

Then investigate all you can, so you're prepared for the next discussion.

Fairenuff Wed 18-Sep-13 20:53:19

When you asked to look at his phone he said no. So he has something to hide.

Everything else is just a smokescreen.

stripeylawn Wed 18-Sep-13 20:56:13

Chubbychipmonk please just do what posters are advising and that is to keep quiet. When he comes home pretend to be asleep. He will most probably be relieved.

If you ask him tonight he will deny deny deny and your gut will not believe him but he will then get extremely cautious about leaving a trail.

If however you keep quiet pretty soon (if he is cheating) he will get too confident and lazy and you will find some evidence.

Believe me if you think you can't rest until you've confronted him today, you still won't get any peace because he will most probably lie. Focus on your baby and try to just watch and observe for a while.

It is an awful situation to be in (hugs).

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 21:01:32

Vivacia - yes frequently, and that's him being polite!

Vivacia Wed 18-Sep-13 21:04:52

and that's him being polite!

But it's not is it? I'm sorry to be focusing on this when there are bigger things going on, but I'm gobsmacked that somebody could talk to their partner like that.

niceupthedance Wed 18-Sep-13 21:05:38

Just to let you know, if anyone logs into my Facebook from somewhere when I'm already logged in elsewhere, Facebook sends an email to let me know. So that might explain him deleting the message and having a go at you.

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 21:11:38

Nice, really? I just tried logging onto my iPad & phone at the same time & didn't get an email? I've never heard of that before? Can anyone else confirm if that's true?

lemonstartree Wed 18-Sep-13 21:12:52

then I would LTB right now.

PrincessWellington Wed 18-Sep-13 21:16:38

Re email it's only the case if your settings are set up to receive an alert. So, he may or may not have received an email.

chubbychipmonk Wed 18-Sep-13 21:17:31

I just google that & you have to alert a notification through your settings to let you know if your account is accessed by a device you haven't used before. He's not that smart!

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