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Opinions wanted (prenuptial agreement)

(185 Posts)
Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 16:51:59

Hi, I'm a lurker but wanted to get some views and advise on my situation.
I am 34 and have been fortunate enough to have been financially successful. I am currently retired but may get involved in businesses in the future.
I have been in a relationship with my DP for 4 years. We have lived together for 3 years. She really values marriage and I would be happy to fulfill her dream by asking her to marry. However, I have mentioned that I would like a prenuptial agreement to safeguard my previous earnings and assets. (I've not turned to legal advise so might be overreacting about what is at risk, any info would be good).
At the moment my DP lives in my house. I pay all bills including car, mobile, food and holidays. She still works full time and spends her money on herself (which I like). with little expenditure, she approx saves £15-20k per year. (This is put in cold terms. I see the house as our home. Her car. We are a team).
We don't have children, and both don't want children. I got a vasectomy to take control of contraception. With this in mind, she will save a small fortune of her own.

Anyway, when I mentioned the 'prenuptial' she was very upset and offended. I can see this but think I'm not being unreasonable.
I guess, I wanted see what other people thought of prenups and of my situation?

Fluffy1234 Wed 18-Sep-13 18:27:57

I can't see the point in you getting married. What you are suggesting is like in Pretty Woman when Richard Gere offered Julia Roberts an apartment and to be his mistress and she said no and held out for the full package. I know this sounds a bit silly but your girlfriend wants to spend the rest of your life with you and you just don't sound quite as into her as you should.

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 18:28:06

and it had to be a 4 bed house. try getting that in Windsor and not feel the pinch.

Success comes with it's own problems. deal with life accordingly.

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:28:25

She's not a gold digger. It's more that I don't want my assets, accumulated before we met, potentially on the table. It doesn't happen with kids so why with assets. If it was the other way round I would sign, no worries.

offred I think it's like most people. We are in love, we want to spend the rest of our lives together.
On her side, I believe, she wants to marry for the above reasons plus she likes the tradition, she has dreamt of being married, (I believe) her friends are all married and some small societal influence (we are the same age)

ryangoslinglovesmedamnit Wed 18-Sep-13 18:28:34

women are just blokes without the dangly bits. they are not made of sugar and spice and all things nice.


MadameLeBean Wed 18-Sep-13 18:30:08

I think she needs to acknowledge how much you paying for everything allows her to save. That's a bit weird that she won't accept that.

If she will have her own house and savings then what's the problem with the pre nup? It's not like she is a sahm with no assets of her own who would be left with nothing if you split and therefore needs marriage for her protection.

I would find out from a lawyer whether pre nup are even valid in uk anyway. You might be upsetting her for no useful reason.

Equally, in a divorce situation (given your current set up) I doubt she would get half of the wealth you built up before the marriage anyway?? Someone correct me here?

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:36:27

fluffy lol. It's not like pretty woman. It's a normal relationship. I think it just sounds cold because of the topic of discussion

Offred Wed 18-Sep-13 18:40:22

Getting married for love is terribly unwise. I'm not suggesting getting married without love is a good plan at all but I think most people fail to think adequately about the financial implications of marriage.

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:42:43

offred that's why I'm trying to sort financial stuff out now. Before I prepose.
I think live is a valid reason for marriage. She isn't marrying my assets

nkf Wed 18-Sep-13 18:43:14

Do they have any legal worth?

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 18:43:24

yougotbale I think the point fluffy and others are making is that a self respecting independent woman would want to contribute a hell of a lot into the every day basics.
If she fights tooth and nail to treat you with her money even though she knows you could pay for it, then you are on to a winner.
If she is finding ways to grow your assets and asking you to penny pinch at times then you are have found yourself a real woman.

It all sounds too easy for her IMHO.

So i would expect her to come up with the prenup idea before hand. she should be a lioness to protect your assets. thinking tiger roar, not tiger prints grin

Offred Wed 18-Sep-13 18:44:34

I think you should get legal advice really though to work out how to achieve what you want.

I think you're sensible to think about it and talk about it.

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 18-Sep-13 18:45:51

I gather prenups are unenforceable in England and Wales (and presumably the rest of the UK) anyway.

Either you're happy with your current financial arrangements, as you claim, or you're not. Asking for a pre-nup suggests you secretly aren't, actually, and that you think she's a golddigger who is likely to cause a divorce. I'd be pretty offended because it would feel like you were moving the goalposts.

AFAIK (IANAL) divorce courts already take into account what the two partners bring to a marriage, without your needing to formalise it with several thousands of pounds' worth of solicitors' work.

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:50:23

ofmiceandmen right. She does offer but I see us as a team and I'm in a position too. She doesn't have to work, I think it's good she does, so she does her best.
I just don't see us as a team if we were to split. That's all.
I appreciate your opinions. Next stop legal advise.

I was more interested in how it would be perceived. Both me and DP. And how it altered the meaning of marriage.

Lots to think about

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 18:51:09


She gets a romantic wedding to gossip about and you get a prenup. happy days - bring the bunting out!! (oh wait - she has enough red flags so you may not need any)

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 18:53:14

Apologies - if I appear flippant in my responses

Good luck Yougotbale I hope she is everything you hope for.

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:57:55

horry I was just worried about previously accumulated assets and savings. I think those should be untouchable and that's fair enough. I don't think she is after them but you never know people's mentality during a break up.
I don't want anything of hers before we met. Our relationship goal posts will be the same. The old dusty goalpost I accumulated before would not want reachable

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 18:58:29

Listen to your gut.. you're here for a reason. it's telling you something

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 18:59:05

ofmiceandmen lol. Cheers

TrinnyandSuzannah Wed 18-Sep-13 19:06:11

My husband and I have a pre nup. I've inherited money from my parents having lost my dad to cancer, and may inherit more if my mum dies before me.

The legal advice stated that it might not be enforceable, but it shows clearly what our intentions were. They need to be signed at least 3 months before marriage.

Mu husband was very open to it, even suggested it to me. He wants to ensure my inheritance stays on my side of the family.

I was married before and got absolutely fleeced by my ex husband. I needed the reassurance of a pre nup, or rather my second husbands understanding about it, and wouldn't have been able to even considere getting married again without it.

Call me unromantic if you like. I am a realist. Marriage does not guarantee happiness or forever. I love my husband very much and want to be with him for the rest of my life. I hope our pre nup is completely academic because we grow old together.

AlbertaCampion Wed 18-Sep-13 19:06:53

There is some confusion here about the enforceability of prenups. To clarify: in England and Wales they may be upheld, but ultimately the decision rests with the judge.

lillybloom Wed 18-Sep-13 19:10:41

where are you living? They are not worth anything in certain countries.

MushroomSoup Wed 18-Sep-13 19:10:55

I'll marry you for the deal you're offering! I'm even happy to sign your pre-nup and keep working! grin

lurkinglorna Wed 18-Sep-13 19:12:48

I kind of echo some of the others - you don't seem 100% confident in the whole "marriage" thing?

Ok. Scene. You get married. walk down the street, get knocked down by a car and end up unable to take care of yourself physically, for life.

Or if say you got locked up (miscarriage of justice, obviously wink) and you needed someone you could 100% trust with all your assets, who will wait for you when you come out?

Or say you lose all your assets in a big property/bank crash and you both need to cut back and start from scratch.

Do you trust your now WIFE will stand by you and you'll work together? If not, why are you marrying her?

Yougotbale Wed 18-Sep-13 19:13:57

trin - I think I need to make my DP see this. If I work again, I'm happy to pool our joint incomes during our relationship. I really would love that. It's just the stuff that has nothing to do with her at the time I earnt it.

alberta cheers. I can refine my research, take it forward and hopefully, explain it better to DP

KedenTTC1Cycle3 Wed 18-Sep-13 19:15:02

TrinnyandSuzannah exact same boat here. Received a decent bit of inheritance when my grandmother passed.

My DH and I signed a prenup as we both came into the marriage with decent assets (not millions, but nothing to laugh at).

I expect/work/hope for a till-death-do-us-part marriage, but should that not happen, then all parties should have thier pre-marriage assets as their and theirs alone. I see nothing unromantic about it. It's fair.

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