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Can't believe he's doing this!

(379 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 09:26:16

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

gamerchick Wed 18-Sep-13 11:00:00

Of He has kids to you.. he's not allowed to make you homeless is he?

If it got to threats of selling up.. personally I would call his bluff and stop handing money over. Get a bit of a cushion while planning the next step. Pretty much allergic to emotional blackmail.. puts the hackles up.

DIYapprentice Wed 18-Sep-13 11:00:26

If you have paid half the mortgage for the past five years, then yes you do have a claim and I suggest you contact a solicitor asap how to make sure you protect that.

frustratedashell Wed 18-Sep-13 11:03:41

My god what a horrible man! I think you need to get some legal advice about where you would stand if you end things. You can't go on like this. He is incredibly selfish and abusive. Please get away from him

RiotsNotDiets Wed 18-Sep-13 11:11:53

You do have a claim to the house as you have contributed to the mortgage, however IIRC in your last thread you said he will only take cash, so you have no evidence of your payments?

It sounds to me as though he is intentionally trapping you in the relationship with no way out. You need to seek legal advice ASAP.

whatdoesittake48 Wed 18-Sep-13 11:19:37

get yourself to a solicitor now! You need advice on protecting yourself should he sell the house.

He knew exactly what to say to keep you on the straight and narrow didn't he? he knew that leaving you worried about the house was the best way to avoid talking about the fact he doesn't contribute to the upbringing of his children.

However, at the end of the day. if he sold up and you had to move out - you would still be better off. You would be angry and wronged - but rid of him...

AttilaTheMeerkat Wed 18-Sep-13 11:25:52

From an earlier comment of yours Auch:-

"It's the doubt that he puts upon me that stops me, when I speak to him and say how desperately unhappy I am, he turns it back on me, that I put unachieveable tasks on him, I put him down etc. I end up questioning myself, am I being unreasonable, is it my fault, are my expectations too high".

He is emotionally abusive as well as being financially abusive. He sets you up each time to fail and he was never ever going to listen to you at all. He does not think he is doing anything at all wrong re how he treats yourself. Financially abusive men are often abusive in other ways too, I am not unfortunately surprised that he is abusive in this way as well.

I would seek urgent legal advice, is there printed evidence (bank statements etc) of you paying into his mortgage for the last 5 years?.

He is keeping you skint on purpose and he will let you go without deliberately to keep you trapped. You can and must break free of this though, the damage being done here emotionally to you and your children is incalculable. He is the cause of your inherent unhappiness, not you.

BigBrassBand Wed 18-Sep-13 11:30:04

Just a quick post with regard to your conviction that you would have no right on the marital home:

""Even if a house is only in the name of one spouse, if it is the marital home the other has a legal right of occupation for as long as they remain married to each other," says Lancaster. "It would be unusual for each party not to receive at least some share of the equity even if the house was only in the name of one of them."

He advised that after a marriage breakdown, a partner who lived in a house which was in the sole name of his or her spouse should act quickly: "You should protect your position as soon as possible by entering a Notice of Home Rights against the property with the Land Registry. This should prevent your spouse from selling the property without your knowledge or consent whilst you remain married.""

Quoted from this article:

Please do read it!

hellsbellsmelons Wed 18-Sep-13 11:32:49

Of course he is keeping OP skint on purpose.
And if I recall from previous post, there is NO evidence of payment towards mortgage. He was very clever there as well and made OP pay cash!!! He is a complete and utter shit!
Call CAB and WA today and get your exit plan together.
You will get housed and you will get benefits and you will get maintenance. Imagine how much happier you will be without this vile man putting you down, making you feel bad, like it's your fault (YOU know it isn't!!) and leaving you basically penniless.
Get on the phone now and get it sorted out.
Sorry to be so blunt and LTB but this hiddeous person is not what you or your children deserve!

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 11:32:57

Call his bluff and tell him to put the house on the market. Best case scenario, you can make a claim on it because you have contributed to the mortgage - see a solicitor about this - and you will be able to use it to set yourself up in a new place even if it's a rental. Worst case scenario, your local authority will have to house you, and you can claim maintenance off him. Either way you would have more actual cash than you do now, from the sound of it.

I'm sure this has been said but ring Women's Aid. They will know how to advise you as someone who is being financially abused and they will have heard it all before.

Paintyourbox Wed 18-Sep-13 11:34:16

Oh honey,

This guy is bad news. He is abusing you financially and emotionally.

You really do need to see a solicitor.

I'd be tempted to call his bluff and stop giving him money for the mortgage. He gets no more money until your name is on that mortgage too.

Would moving in with your mum be an option if he did sell the house?

cashmiriana Wed 18-Sep-13 11:34:39

That article applies to married couples.
The rights of unmarried partners to a home owned legally solely by the other partner are far fewer, and far harder to establish.
Legal advice is essential.

catsmother Wed 18-Sep-13 11:35:22

Please please seek legal advise OP. Or call Women's Aid as a first step - they'll be able to reassure you that you are putting the children first and that you have NOTHING to reproach yourself for ( I bet you're not swaggering about in a £300 coat while your kids go without are you ?)

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247

I'm gobsmacked at the gall of someone who demands money from you when you have no other means of feeding and clothing your children while he wears designer clothes, has a social life (football at least) and can give away 100s. Fucking bastard.

You do realise that when you attempt to speak to him and he suggests your expectations are "too high" etc that the only reason he makes you doubt yourself - and therefore stay - is because at the moment YOU are subsidising HIM. That is why he can afford fancy stuff and to play Mr Bountiful ..... because you're enabling him to get away with paying just half the costs he'd otherwise have to bear on his own, AND you are also feeding him to boot. Worse, because he gives you NO money for HIS children, he's also completely getting away with things as if he was a single, childless man. Better than that in fact, because single people usually have to pay 100% of their bills unless they have a lodger.

I really think that even if you have to leave and find social housing or private rent with HB that you will be so much better off. You really will. And short of giving up work or vanishing abroad this nasty pathetic specimen will HAVE to step up and meet his full financial responsibility for his kids. I know you're worried about losing the payments you've made towards the mortgage - which is why you must take legal advice, yes, you're in a precarious position, but you may be able to make some sort of claim not least because you have children - but even if you have to take the hit on that now, surely it's better to cut your losses and go forward in a far far better financial position ? Not to mention a better emotional position too because the way he's treated you and the children must be completely soul sapping.

You have absolutely nothing to lose by getting advice from people who understand what it's like to be in your position and who can help you to move forward. In fact, your current situation is so dire that you'll almost certainly be much better off without him. Just imagine how it will feel to be able to manage your own budget without having to subsidise this greedy, entitled, repulsive excuse for a man and father. Think how it'll feel to know each month that you can afford to feed and clothe your kids - and to completely remove that toxic presence from your life. I can only begin to imagine how you must feel seeing him in that coat while his kids barely get £13 for coats, shoes and other clothes. I would want to kill him - though am obviously not suggesting you do. Though I'd also be extremely tempted to eBay the fucking coat and anything else of his I could get my hands on .... I say that somewhat tongue in cheek because I wouldn't want you to put yourself in any danger by doing such a thing but really, it's a no brainer - kids' basic needs come first by a long mile.

OP - please make that call and start this ball rolling. Your kids deserve better and so do you. No-one deserves to be treated like this.

BigBrassBand Wed 18-Sep-13 11:36:25

Ah, I thought you were married, that does put a different angle on things.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 11:37:43

Riot is correct when we first moved in I was dealing with a lot (heavily pregnant, my dad had just passed away unexpectedly and caring for my disabled mum) so handed over cash to cover the bills and mortgage. When things had quietened down I asked repeatedly for his bank info to set up a standing order, which was never forthcoming. He said it was actually easier just to deal in cash, I didn't question it.

Theres no paper trail as evidence that I've paid anything to the mortgage. If I'm honest I don't even know who our mortgage provider is or how much the repayments are. I have asked but been fobbed off, initially it didn't bother me, it was being taken care of but when I tried to push for the info I was stonewalled.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Wed 18-Sep-13 11:42:10

That's a pity but even if you write off what you have paid towards the mortgage, you will be better off separating now. If you stay you are throwing good money after bad, in a number of ways.

RiotsNotDiets Wed 18-Sep-13 11:42:25

You will have had to take the same amount of cash out of your account around once a month though? I think a solicitor could use this as evidence that you were paying something continuously.

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 18-Sep-13 11:42:39


he isnt just abusing you he is financially and emotionally abusing your children and it is your duty to protect th

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 11:46:39

The only coat I own is the one my mum bought me when I was pregnant because she was sick of me being out in winter with just a cardi, I told her I was always too hot, she went out and got me a coat.

I know this is going to sound weird, but I don't feel like I'm being abused? I keep looking for enough justification to be the one to bail out, upset the children's lives and leave him dealing with selling the house (because I WOULD feel guilty doing this). I think of abused women and see a timid, scared controlled person. I don't see myself as that.

Pachacuti Wed 18-Sep-13 11:46:45

He's been very cunning and you may wind up losing your potential beneficial interest in the house (but ask a solicitor; it's possible that there's a way round the lack of paper trail). But you need to get out of this relationship; he's financially abusing you and he's gaslighting you on top of that. You would be better off on your own with the DCs and getting CSA maintenance from him.

If the house isn't in your name then I assume the mortgage isn't in your name either?

strongandlong Wed 18-Sep-13 11:47:43

You will be better off when you leave him. It will be difficult and an upheaval for you all, but you and your children will be financially and emotionally better off. You'll be entitled to HB and to more CTC than you currently get.

Please call women's aid. They will advise you and support you. He is treating you and your children (and his children!) appallingly.

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 18-Sep-13 11:49:14

This is a man who has a £300 coat, and who gave you £40 to buy coats and shoes for 3 children and you cannot see the abuse.

Without wanting to sound harsh, your maintenance from your ex is for his child, not to prop up the family so your current DP can swan about in designer gear while the children go without.

You are their mother, it is down to you to look after them. That can mean making really, really hard decisions, is this the role model you want for them, that they are second best?? Is this how you would want them to treat their children.


Hullygully Wed 18-Sep-13 11:50:43

He is a raving tosspot

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 11:51:45

On the phone to women's aid, feel like a phoney though. Surely this is for women in physical danger?

namechangeforareasonablereason Wed 18-Sep-13 11:53:13

emotional abuse, financial abuse, physical abuse, all abuse honey.

Pachacuti Wed 18-Sep-13 11:53:17

You have less income than him, and yet you are paying for a very significantly higher portion of the household expenses than he is.

Your children are left without winter coats or warm clothes while he spends hundreds on himself, yet he has convinced you that keeping them living with him is "putting them first".

He's manipulated you into a position where you may not have any rights in the house that you've been paying for, and yet you'd feel guilty if he had to sell it.

And yet you don't feel abused.

He has really done a number on you, hasn't he?

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