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Can't believe he's doing this!

(379 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

AuchAyethenoo Wed 18-Sep-13 09:26:16

I posted a last week about some financial issues I'm having with my dp, basically he works full time on a decent wage, I receive CTC, cb and maintenance for my eldest dc. I pay half of all the bills, mortgage etc plus buy all of the food and all of the children's clothes, activities etc, etc. This has, of course, caused major stress for me to the point that my mum takes me food shopping just to ensure we have food in the house for my children.

Yesterday he comes home telling me he has just found out his brother (9 years old) has rattled up a £700 bill on his x-box on his mothers credit card. That she has no money at all now. MIL is on benefits, I suggested she could contact DWP to apply for a loan for food and essentials and perhaps speak to her sons father to arrange buying food for them.

I've now found out that dp has given his mum about £300. I don't grudge his mum help for food, but what I am struggling with is that he has no issue giving his mum money but never has any to give to me for our children.

MrsZimt Sun 22-Sep-13 15:02:29

Shit. Please get out while he is in the shower.
Wherever, even if it's your mum. He knows you're about to leave and you don't know what he will do to make you stay.
Stay strong.

catsmother Sun 22-Sep-13 15:50:48

Auch - whether or not you'll be able to read this I don't know, but yes, agree with everyone else who thinks he's sussed something's up. Whether this is because he's detected a change in your attitude, or because perhaps he's seen more explicit "evidence" such as (god forbid) your post here, or call records to WA, I don't know - but please please take the utmost care with PC and phone history until you're out of there.

This sudden out of the blue 2 week holiday seems an extraordinary co-incidence. I think you would have to be made of extremely strong stuff to act as if everything was "normal" towards him during that time - such as following your normal routine, such as (like Guybrush suggested) initiating the same sort of conversations, such as sex etc. Now it seems something has "clicked" within you and you're facing up to a new and much better future without him, I should imagine it'd be near impossible to pretend nothing's changed - even the most subtle differences in your attitude towards him could potentially be picked up (even if he doesn't understand exactly what's going on) and used to pick a row.

If you think you can last another 2 weeks like this then of course I wish you all the luck in the world but I think you'd be placing yourself in a very dangerous position. Far far better to call the police NOW and cut your losses IMO. I know that's really scary, and I know it's moving things on at a far quicker pace than you'd envisaged, without giving you the opportunity to gather more information or to find somewhere definite to live, but THE most important thing here is your safety and that of the children. As others have said, get out of there however you can, and worry about material "stuff" later - you won't literally be out on the streets with the help of your mum, sister and/or WA, and passports etc can be replaced later. You may be "uncomfortable" for a short while but that's nothing compared remaining with a controlling abuser who quite probably has had his suspicions raised for whatever reason and sees his meal ticket going down the drain. Regardless of your long term intent to leave, I'm very worried about how these next 2 weeks might pan out - it just doesn't make sense and is too convenient to be dismissed as normal when you take everything else into account. It's such a cliché but true to be safe than sorry.

Good luck Auch. I don't know where you are but I'm in Herts. I'm sure if you PM'ed any one of us who've said where we live we would be happy to try and help you however we can.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sun 22-Sep-13 16:14:19

Please ring the police and ask for help. They will have seen this before. They won't think you are wasting your time. Tell them you are afraid for yourself and the children.

AuchAyethenoo Sun 22-Sep-13 16:50:14

I couldnt work out why he had changed, I hadn't changed my behaviour. I'm a fucking idiot, when I phoned the WA helpline they gave me my local number in case I need a refuge, I fucking wrote it down! With the kids etc I forgot to get rid of it. I've just had a look at his call history when he was in the bathroom, he knows I've called!

He's being very nice, but won't let me go anywhere alone and my mobile charger is 'missing'. I'm deleting the history and logging out. I've just said I'm looking up physiotherapy excersizes for our baby to get on here.

I'm worried.

skyeskyeskye Sun 22-Sep-13 16:57:41

so he knows you have spoken to Womens Aid, he knows that you may be making plans to leave and he has taken 2 weeks off work to be with you.

it sounds like he is starting to cut off your contact with the outside world. can you get the DC together and go out for a walk? even if he comes with you. Tomorrow, you will need to go shopping to buy a new charger wont you now? if he doesnt let you out, then call the police.

If you are worried, then you need to get out sooner rather than later. Is there a friend that you can call to come and get you and the DC?

KatyTheCleaningLady Sun 22-Sep-13 16:59:58

Holy shit. I'm worried, too.

I don't suppose you'll see this. I hope you just run to your mum's house. Even call the police.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 22-Sep-13 17:05:24

OP: if you can see this, dial 999 from the landline if you have one and pull the cord out. Help will be with you in minutes.

DisappointedHorse Sun 22-Sep-13 17:14:25

He's probably only doing all this to scare you and control you further but im worried for you too.

He might back off if you play the game but can you really do that for another 2 weeks?

If you are feeling threatened I would take seriously the idea of contacting the police. They will see you safe and you would be a housing priority. Good luck.

JumpingJackSprat Sun 22-Sep-13 17:18:40

im so worried for you op. the police may be able to help you.. failing that womens aid. hes trying to shorten your "leash"

ihearsounds Sun 22-Sep-13 17:20:24

Leave everything and go.
You are not safe.
You already have some stuff at your mums.
NExt time he goes toilet or bath go and don't look back.
Don't wait for the 2 weeks until he is back in work.
If he won't let you go, ring 999.
If you ring 999, be strong and press charges. It will buy you a couple of hours to get the passports.

AllThatGlistens Sun 22-Sep-13 17:24:18

Oh god OP go, you need to get out as soon as you can, when he's in the bathroom, anything just grab your DC and go, he's escalating massively.

BabylonReturns Sun 22-Sep-13 17:25:33

I'm really worried too Auch.

Did you get my pm with my number? If so, can you text me your address/ as many details as possible and I will do everything I can to help.

I will happily contact the police/women's aid for you - with your permission of course.

Please please stay safe x

SanityClause Sun 22-Sep-13 17:26:17

Just go, with the clothes on your back.

Just get the children and go!

What phone charger is it? Get one delivered from Amazon to your mum's house, and she can drop it round, or you can visit, and charge up your phone there.

Lots of good wishes coming your way.

madbengal Sun 22-Sep-13 17:26:18

Just delurking to say get out now now, even if you arrange you all to goto your mums then you can refuse to leave etc xx massive hugs

oh and fuck the passports you can get replacements or tell the police he has stolen them

FunnyRunner Sun 22-Sep-13 17:28:39

Op this is making me feel sick I am so worried about you. Normal response to finding your WA number is to ask you about it or ask who it's for. Instead he takes 2 weeks off work.

Please phone the police and let them help you get out.

Jux Sun 22-Sep-13 17:31:01

Forget the passports, they really don't matter.

I do think that the next time he's having a shit or a shower or if a neighbour comes round or anything, grab the kids and go to your mum. Call the police once you're there and ask them if they can go back with you to get essential things.

Once you're clear and safe, phone 101 and ask for the DV unit, it covers all aspects of domestic abuse, not just physical.

TurnipCake Sun 22-Sep-13 17:44:35

Passports, mobile phone chargers etc can all be replaced.

You really need to leave as soon as physically possible.

LookingThroughTheFog Sun 22-Sep-13 17:44:44

What everyone else said.

Do you understand now that he's being abusive? In the circumstances, if a rational man finds that their partner wants to leave, they talk about it. They don't remove their passports and restrict her communication with the outside world.

He's acting like you're a possession he's refusing to give up. Not like you're a person with your own choices.

Viviennemary Sun 22-Sep-13 17:59:58

If you are married you are usually entitled to half the value of the house. That is my understanding. If you're not married then not sure what the rules are. But you would have a claim especially when there are children. You need advice from solicitor CAB or similar. Unless you want to carry on the way things are. And I'm sure you don't. The longer you leave it the worse it is going to get.

LumpySpacePrincessOhMyGlob Sun 22-Sep-13 18:03:39

I would leave now before he escalates further. I left an abusive relationship many years ago with just the clothes on my back and I never looked back.

PissesGlitter Sun 22-Sep-13 18:05:25

This is very scary reading!
Please run at any opportunity

Damnautocorrect Sun 22-Sep-13 18:11:56

Oh love xxxx go please just go. If he knows your going he'll plot harder.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 22-Sep-13 18:12:12

I would leave with your children as soon as his back is turned i.e he goes to the toilet.

You could be in real danger of being hurt if you stay. You are not safe there.

TheCrackFox Sun 22-Sep-13 18:16:25

Leave when he is on the toilet. Failing that phone the police.

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 22-Sep-13 18:19:23


Thank you to those who have contacted us about this thread.

AuchAyethenoo, we're so sorry to read about what you're going through. We're seconding the excellent advice that you've received on here and we have information that could help you too

We do urge anyone who feels as though they are in immediate danger to call 999.

We're wishing you all the best.


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