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Positive ways to revenge on a cheating partner you have forgiven

(71 Posts)
ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 00:08:30

I have found one of the hardest part of forgiving someone who has cheated on you is the real desire to revenge in some way. especially when you have taken the decision to forgive them.
The almost animal desire to get your own back or do a counter affair just to feel whole.
In my case it was an EA sex texting OM on and off for the first few months of our relationship.
They whole heartedly apologise, they reveal all, they open their worlds, phone, FB the lot. but if you've been there you will know what I am feeling.

I have asked her to do some charity work on the weekends for a charity of my choice. I intend it not to be easy work grin

Can others share what they have done or share any tips in overcoming the random rushes of 'revenge' attacks.

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 00:14:54

PS- I have never forgiven before, I have always had a zero tolerance approach. I think having kids having a failed marriage has made me soft and seeing others who have moved on to build strong relationships. So this is a new experience for me. - just reading my own posting - blimey it still stings (ouch).

AnyFucker Wed 18-Sep-13 00:17:22

I dumped their sorry arse and watched them disintegrate. Sorry, I know that's not what you were looking for but god it felt good. Mind you, there were other abusive behaviours going on that took me a while to wake up to, so that might have prompted my delight in his downfall.

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 00:26:17

Oh I've been there! and the look on their faces when you've moved on and built up a mini empire. and the famous words that would run through your mind - "look at me know"
Oh god I loved it...

AF .. you're not helping!

ofmiceandmen Wed 18-Sep-13 00:26:59

sp - look at me now.

AnyFucker Wed 18-Sep-13 00:41:52

Soz, I only posted on your thread to get it onto TIO so I could enjoy the revenge stories

TheTruffleHunter Wed 18-Sep-13 00:43:31

I think I'm about to... any tips?

deepfriedsage Wed 18-Sep-13 00:46:16

A Mum from school hid frozen fish in her xp exercise equipment.

deepfriedsage Wed 18-Sep-13 00:47:55

She also cut the tounges out of the left foot of each of his trainers. she must have disliked him exercising

cronullansw Wed 18-Sep-13 01:09:42

You've asked her to do some charity work, WTF? Am I missing something here? Is it like some form of community service or something? Is there a tariif?

Texting - 10 hours.
EA - 40 hours
BJ - 50 hours.

I honestly do not understand the OP's position......

MrsWolowitz Wed 18-Sep-13 01:16:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RumpledClothes Wed 18-Sep-13 01:19:30

Revenge and forgiveness are at cross purpose.

I never forgave and found the best revenge is a life well lived. He seriously regrets messing me around. I'm thankful I saw the light.

Rhythmisadancer Wed 18-Sep-13 02:07:35

I don't get it. If you want revenge you haven't forgiven. Aren't they mutually exclusive?

AdoraBell Wed 18-Sep-13 02:38:23

For me forgiving means that I have moved on and no longer feel the anger, in my case, or whatever emotion it is that drives the need for revenge. It seems from your OP that you have not forgiven, and the best revenge is to let the other person see you living Well, which means genuinley happily either with or without them in your life.

Offred Wed 18-Sep-13 06:42:16

This is fucked up... Truly... Jeez... Just split up.

peachmint Wed 18-Sep-13 06:47:46

"I don't get it. If you want revenge you haven't forgiven. Aren't they mutually exclusive?"

Exactly.

akaWisey Wed 18-Sep-13 07:12:10

I think that's a difficult one OP. I haven't sought revenge myself because if I had it would have kept me dependent on him emotionally.

It's a risky prospect, don't you think? What if she actually enjoyed charity work?

I think if you're seeking revenge (and I can understand how you would be) you're probably best off telling her you're so furious with her that you FEEL vengeful.

LovesPeace Wed 18-Sep-13 07:22:28

Ditch her, and live happily.

Living your life happily is the best revenge.

meditrina Wed 18-Sep-13 07:24:29

I get the idea of simultaneous emotions running togeer and that reconciliation is complex.

The charity work is a good idea - it gives less time (previously used for dalliance) and puts the focus outside the self (the action of cheating is so ofetn described as essentially selfish).

I doubt OP calls it revenge to her. It is satisfying a need remaining within him, and is actually different from what is normally understood by revenge as there is no attempt to harm (assuming this is the extraction of a gesture of contrition, not the beginnings of total control over a spouse).

OP - as you will see, the use of the word "revenge" is going to derail you thread, from 'what did you need your wandering spouse to do to demonstrate recommitment (including those which are a bit shabby)' to 'can one live well if you ever feel an urge to vengeance'

Offred Wed 18-Sep-13 07:26:33

You don't give your partner community service for relationship offences... hmm that is fucked up beyond belief, really, utterly fucked up.

Offred Wed 18-Sep-13 07:28:45

And honestly it doesn't matter what he calls it to her or that he "extracts" a "gesture of contrition" who the fuck does he think he is? She cheated, he doesn't have to put up with that unreasonable behaviour but he isn't her owner and isn't entitled to punish her like this, totally unreasonable and will/should mean total destruction of the relationship IMHO.

meditrina Wed 18-Sep-13 07:31:06

I've just looked at OP again and spotted the "I intend it not to be easy work".

I think I want to take my benign interpretation back.

AnyFucker Wed 18-Sep-13 07:34:04

I was hoping for some "I served him up a dog food pie" type anecdotes. Oh well. Mince there is a message from this thread, perhaps you should be heeding it if you really do wish to remain in a relationship with a cheater.

AnyFucker Wed 18-Sep-13 07:34:19

Mince ?

catballou Wed 18-Sep-13 07:35:27

No it's not fucked up at all. It's a lot more constructive than slashing tyres etc. Do you know in some countries if you have an affair you have to pay your partner? Like 20 thou..... Now how's that for a deterrent?

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