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Please help, just found out DH having an affair, don't know what to do

(233 Posts)
knickyknocks Tue 17-Sep-13 09:36:33

My DH didn't log off from the family computer last night properly and have found emails in his sent box to someone (who looks like is also married). They are all of a sexual nature and he definitely looks like he's been having an affair for at least the past 3 months. He has been using 'going to the gym' as an excuse. It's making me feel sick.

He's due to go the gym this afternoon after work. I don't know what to do - we have a 5 month old and a 3 year old. Please help me. Do I ring him? confront him?

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 19-Sep-13 16:04:51

Omg sorry!

knickyknocks Thu 19-Sep-13 16:16:49

Yes that's right I read all the emails and it wad clear that they hadn't had sex. There was talk of meeting, kissing and touching. I think if they had done the do they would have written about it. All that said, it's still infidelity.

He's still at MIL, I think you're all right when you say I'm still absorbing the shock - and for me one of the questions is would he have ended up having sex with her if I hadn't seen the emails?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 19-Sep-13 16:22:49

Speaking for myself I just hope you don't feel rushed knicky, it seems only fair you get to set the pace.

He said he wanted the attention. That is probably true. It may have felt gloriously simple and uncomplicated, pure indulgence, all for him, however transitory. When someone says, it could have been anyone - no abiding personal attachment perhaps but hardly reassuring.

Having wanted that attention, having scoped for it and having granted himself at the very least a stimulating part of it, I'm wondering if he can put that genie back in the bottle.

Wellwobbly Thu 19-Sep-13 16:25:26

Ahem! Ahem! An announcement:

"I wasn't lucky that he read it or that he made fundamental changes to his ways of operating, not just as a husband but as a person. He was the lucky one who got his marriage back, but only on condition that he changed. That's not to be snippy, but to me this is central. I wasn't lucky. I got the husband and co-parent I should have always had. I would have been short-changing myself massively if I'd have settled for anything less after what happened. If he hadn't been willing to even read a book, he would have been long gone. Of course, he did much, much more than that in reality and I wouldn't have settled for anything less."


<Wobbly looks at the fundamental mistake she made. But will never, ever make again>

familyscapegoat Thu 19-Sep-13 17:42:41

I'm so sorry to rain on your parade, but if I'd read the E mails between my husband and the OW, I wouldn't have known any sexual contact had taken place either. There was a reason for that, because they were both married and knew that E mails were indelible records, so were both careful not to include any actual proof of adultery. Whereas the OW knew that texts were fair game, as once deleted couldn't be retrieved. I think it's safer to assume that some sort of sex or physical contact happened, even if it wasn't penis in vagina sex. Some people regard only that as 'sex' after all, but of course it isn't.

? On the deleted posts. Thank you Wobbly and I'm very sorry for your pain.

Thisisaeuphemism Thu 19-Sep-13 17:52:43

I triple posted, sorry- that's why the deleted posts!

familyscapegoat Thu 19-Sep-13 17:55:47

Thanks for clearing that up. I'm not here very often and I often come across threads with deleted posts and never know if I'm putting my foot in it or not!!

kiriwawa Thu 19-Sep-13 18:04:04

Familyscapegoat - that post (about not being lucky) deserves to go up there with Reality's one on what a good relationship looks like.

I really do think MN women should write a book on what to do post-affair.

knicky - I also think you need to take things really slowly. I think you need to find your rage before you even think of moving forward.

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