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Life a mess

(38 Posts)
JustDrive Mon 16-Sep-13 22:53:30

Hi all.
I don't even know where to begin with this and am completely ready for the biggest flaming ever.
I'm having an affair.
It started off as just physical as my husband has zero sex drive. Now it's all consuming.

I can't believe I was stupid enough to think that I could separate these 2 aspects of my life.

I got married because my narc mother wanted a huge wedding, like the one she never had. I try to tell her I'm unhappy but she switches off if I talk about me. I feel like a child.

Now I have a beautiful DS and I'm so scared of ruining his life but I already am due to my selfishness and depression.

Sorry for drip feeding, I don't even know why I'm posting just needed to write this down.

Wellwobbly Tue 17-Sep-13 12:50:34

Calm down, OP.

There are THREE things you have to deal with, so if I were you I would make every effort to step back, take a deep breath, pick up the phone and get a counsellor:

1. you have never been allowed to have a sense of 'self' by your mother. You were a puppet/extension of her.

2. you are ambivalent about your husband

3. you are (SEE 1.) living your life THROUGH OM. You are allowing an affair (always a mistake, always), an outside event, a fantasy, to shape and define how you feel. You are making a mistake and it WILL blow up in your face.

You don't have one crisis, you have three. And they all arise out of 1.

You have a lot, lot, lot of therapy ahead of you, but with commitment, dedication and hard work you will get there.

Please don't tell me OM is married? What is he saying/promising to you? Have you tested the waters about commitment etc, to whether he pulls back?

How do you feel about your husband? What does he represent to you?

How did you meet OM and what does he represent to you?

How often do you see your mother? How is your relationship?

Meerka Tue 17-Sep-13 13:25:48

It seems to me that what you need most of all right now is a bit of time out.

Your husband has been an idiot - studies are not an excuse for shutting down a relationship or putting it on hold. The fact you were open for an affair shows that you were so desperately in need of love and attention (I hope the OM is a decent guy!). A long term furture with him isnt impossible but it may be not very likely too = the sheer stress of divorcing is pretty awful, and not all relationships survive it.

at the moment you are in a really really high stress situation and maybe you can't see the wood for the trees (maybe you can, I dunno; but it's clear you're absolutely stressed out).

Just a suggestion - is there anyone you and DS can go and stay with for a couple of weeks? he can't be in school yet, I'm guessing. Maybe use the excuse of 'giving your husband more uninterrupted time to study'. If you do have a friend you can stay with, maybe a bit of distance away, that might give you breathing space and time to decide exactly what you -do- want.

It also gets you away from your mother for a bit,

Then you can decide if you want to give head-in-the-sand husband a last chance. (can't help feeling that ostriches don't often change their habits, but now and then they do. ). You can also decide how much you -really- like OM, or if its just that he's giving you some of the attention and love you need ... and how interested he would be in a LTR, or how good he'd be.

After that, you can make some decisions. Without money or a place to go, the truth is that you might end up in a really difficult situation - and having to rely on your mum sounds a nightmare. Also you'll need to plan how and what to tell your DS to help him handle it best.

I hope I\m not too cautious here, but a bit of clear space to think in often helps people clear their minds. And if you do decide you don't want to give husband another chance, then you need to have planned, really planned, what you will do and how you will support yourself. Otherwise you could end up in a worse situation (worst case; which is better, being reliant on your husband's income or your mother's, or maybe having to move in with her?)

Deciding what you =really= want and then the practicalities of how to get it will help a lot.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:44:41

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply. Have been reading through the posts most of the day.

Wellwobbly yes I totally feel like I have no sense of self. I don't feel like this is my home, I always felt like home was with my DM even though I'm miserable when I go over there. Since OM I just feel like I have no home, I want to create one for me and DS. Somewhere of my own.

I am a walking cliche and I'm well aware of it. OM is also married as you suspected. Deep down I know I can't rely on him to make me happy.
He has said he wants to leave for me but that pressure is overwhelming.
I just feel like running away with DS, not seeing my mother again either. It's so messed up how I feel I depend on her but all she does is bring misery and disapproval into my life.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:47:19

I want to get away but I really only have 2 close friends. One is pregnant, the other just miscarried and I don't want to burden either of them with this rubbish.
I had 3 close female friends from my previous job but totally messed up the friendship by moaning and drinking too much. They were sick of hearing about my unhappiness, this was before the affair. When I lost them I felt so alone.

JustDrive Tue 17-Sep-13 22:48:56

My mother knows how unhappy I am but wouldn't want me to leave due to how it would make her look. And I'm scared of her getting angry with me but I would need her in that situation.

DuelingFanjo Tue 17-Sep-13 22:50:45

If you don't love your husband you are better off leaving. It's hard but it's not fair on him to stay.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 22:53:53

You can't run away. You need to stand up to these things.

One thing at a time.

You'll all feel so much better and be happier if you can be brave enough to grab the bull by the horns and leave your dh and deal with your dm.

The OM is a fantasy only, really have to remember that if you intend to have at least some support from him during this.

I'd recommend trying to get some counselling though.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 23:00:05

You know that you can leave your dh without dm support and in fact I think you will have to.

Planning to rely on her will be a bad idea. She will not help you, only hinder.

JustDrive Fri 20-Sep-13 14:56:03

Thanks to all comments received I have assessment counselling session booked for Monday.
Feel I really need this as my head is such a mess.

My mother and I see a lot of eachother. When I see her I feel so down, H is never there for me, OM is only one who seems to care (fantasy I know)

Need to get over feeling like a child all the time. It's so hard. DM drove us up to some family friends on Wednesday, an argument ensued after I didn't show 100% interest in what she was saying, she threatened to drive into an oncoming lorry and 'kill us all' DS was in the car.
Now she can't understand why I'm off with her.

When she said the crashing comment I experienced an awful flashback of her screaming something similar to me when I was around 12 but it was a tree.
Why do I allow this behaviour? Why am I scared?
Other times she's so nice and so generous it twists my head.

Just trying to explain why I feel so unable to make any decisions about my life without having someone tell me what I should do.

MrsZimt Fri 20-Sep-13 15:10:56

Wow, OP.
In your case I would stop all contact with my mum. She sounds deranged. And a narc. She threatened to kill you and your son because you didn't pay her enough attention?

No wonder you are in the mess you are in.
Affairs often start due to low self esteem. It's a symptom but not the cause of your mess.
Therapy sounds a very good idea.
Good luck!

FrancescaBell Fri 20-Sep-13 15:51:57

Does the OM also have children?

Offred Fri 20-Sep-13 15:57:10

You are very scared because she is very scary.

When you have grown up to be scared it is particularly hard.

I agree you need to stop contact with her if you can.

Have you been on the stately homes thread? Is that still going?

Capitaltrixie Fri 20-Sep-13 16:00:41

Hi Op, hope you're doing ok, from one daughter of a narc mum to another, the 'feeling like a child' unfortunately is so characteristic. In my case, I only stopped feeling like that when I severely reduced contact. It's that 'narc supply' that does it; they need to feel you love/respect/pay them attention and they make such huge demands. My mum is nice & generous too sometimes; it's a headfuck.
Don't engage.

Drinking too much is an attempt to dull the pain and you are scared and allow her behaviour because it's painful to separate from her because of the fear/obligation/guilt you feel. But once it's done, that's when you feel in control of YOUR life.

That said, I still get insecure 'wobbles' and feel like a child..(and usually then post on here for general life advice from some surrogate mums lovely MNetters).

Don't beat yourself up about the affair.

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