At breaking point

[Bunnyhops2]

Not sure were to start with this just need some advice as feel I have no one else to turn to.
So much is happening in my life at the moment and will try and keep it brief.

I have 2 children,dd is 3 and ds is 4.
Suffered PND with my second child and had problems with panic attacks.
My ds has speech problems and selective mutism.
Am feeling under pressure at the moment from the pre school to leave dd as I am still staying with her at her 2 pre school sessions a week but they want me to start leaving her which I feel she is not ready for yet.
I am working through my anxiety problms but still find it a struggle everyday just to take ds to school.

My dh has always been a "social drinker" as he would call it but the last couple of years it has gotton worse.He goes to the pub most nights after work and I never know what time he will be home,how drunk he will be and to make it even more frustrating he never answers his phone and says he leaves it in the car.I have put up with this for so long now it has become normal for me.
Only just latley I am finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the children and feel I am handling all the pressure on my own.
Just tonight he came back from work early and took money from my purse went out to the shops for something and came back 5 hours later drunk and just staggered up to bed.
Money is really tight at the moment and I can't believe he just wasted money like that.
He is never physically abusive but mentally abusive aned some of the things he has said in the past I don't know if I can forgive.Referring to my PND he said i was mad for a couple of years and he would get me sectioned.

When he does come home at a reasonble time he talks to the children fine and is a great dad but when I just ask him anything his tone changes and most of the time he just ignores me.

I am at the stage now where I feel so angry and tonight when he came home and staggered upstairs I found myself thinking I wish he would fall down the satirs and then maybe if he was hurt his parents would find out and sdupport me with this and make him see sense.
I am close to my niece and sister whomI talk to but only tell them half the story and feel I am bored with this they must be too.
My parents died a few years ago and my brother died of alcoholism ,so his drinking is a constant reminder of this.

My life day to day is just struggling to overcome my panic atacks,be a good mother and trying to cope with 2 children as best I can.
Not knowing day to day when dh will be home,when to get a meal ready for.It is so unsettling for the children now they are getting older and wanting to know when daddy is coming home,it breaks my heart.I am sure that is why they play me up at mealtimes and bedtimes as I try not to show I am not coping but they must sense that I am not.
I have been in floods of tears and told dh I can't go on like this for much longer and feel I am dealing with everything on my own.I need his support.But he just sees me as over reacting and tells me in a nasty way if you can't cope go and lie down for a bit and he will look after the children.Like I don't.

Sory if this is all over the place but that's how I am feeling at the moment and feel there is no way out of this unless he stops drinking.I have told him before I would leave to which he said tomorrow would be a good day!
But he knows I have nowhere to go so I am trapped.

[PandaG]

bump for bunnyhops. I have no help but surely someone else has.

[Molton]

Sending you a big hug

Have you tried calling Samaritans. They won't give advice but will listen and ask some questions that will help you move forward. They can also refer you to places / helplines about the anxiety.

Thinking of you

[Mytwopenceworth]

I think you would probably benefit from going to relate. if your husband won't go with you, you could go alone and at least try to talk through your feelings. sometimes just talking things over with a third party can give you some clarity.

xxx

[Crystaltips]

How about looking for practical help.

Home-Start

They might be able to give you some-one to look after the kids whilst you get the tea ready .... or whenever you want.

Perhaps if DH comes in and finds a "stranger" doing the tasks he's not fulfilling then he might "wake-up and smell the coffee"

HTH and thinking of you ....

[Pages]

Oh Bunnyhops2, I am so sorry to hear this. He is treating you appallingly. It sounds like he has a real alcohol problem and it is his guilt that is making him treat you so badly and say the things he does. It might be that he found your PND hard to deal with and maybe he has problems of his own and is taking them out on you.

Maybe it would be a good thing if you did try and get some help for yourself so that you can work through your anxiety and leave DD, so that you can get some time to do something for yourself. Could you suggest that your DH took some time off work and you both had a nice day out together, or evening, without the children and a chance to try and talk about what has gone wrong without either of you being defensive or criticising?

Sometimes when both of you are busy working and being parents and coping with the stresses of daily life it is too easy to lose touch with why you fell for each other in the first place. Can you try and get back there?

If you really feel the relationship is beyond repair, then Women's Aid, the Samaritans or even your GP may be able to advise you on how to get out and where to go. If you co-own the family home, however, he should be the one to leave and you may need to seek some professional legal advice on how to go about getting him out.

Really feel for you, don't think you are boring anyone, there are lots of agencies/people out there who can give you the support you need and deserve. xx

[fatnacker]

No just how you feel. In the end it all became too much for me. I went to a solicitor got really useful advice. Told him to leave for a month if he didnt would get occupation order. He left it was if a great weight lifted from my shoulders. Now he has gone his own way depite using relate waste of space organisation if you ask me. He wont change while he is still around his home comforts knowing you dont mean business. Get rid until he takes some control over his life. Its hard but you deserve better.

[bunnyhops]

Bump

[bunnyhops]

Thanks everyone for your kind messages of support.

[PandaG]

Bumping again for bunnyhops, any more good advice around?

[bunnyhops]

Bump

[bunnyhops]

Obviously no one else has any advice.

I am fairly new to mumsnet so probably not part of the in crowd yet!!

[lou33]

weekends are always quiet

i would suggest counselling for yourself and as a couple

you say you need his support but tbh it doesnt sound like you are getting any, and are coping all by yourself already

i couldnt live with my xh and hs drinking anymore, or the way he made me feel mentally, and i got to the stage where i thought anything had to be better than the life i was living.

we split 6m ago and i know it was for the best

[Hollyboo]

Bunnyhops I'm so sorry for you. Can you talk to his parents? He needs help with his problem and it's not going to get better by itself. I'm sorry that I don't have any useful contacts for you but I know that if I had a son or family member carrying on like this, I would swing for them.

[warthog]

hi bunnyhops2,

i'd suggest that you look after yourself first. you have so much to cope with, you need to be well to tackle it all. have you seen someone about the panic attacks and pnd? getting appropriate medication can make a huge difference. are you getting enough sleep and eating well?

can you explain as much of the situation to the pre school as you feel comfortable, just so they ease up on pressuring you to leave your dd? or perhaps just leave for 30 mins - take a walk round the block and gradually build it up until you can leave her for the full session?

your dh sounds incredibly unsupportive. does he acknowledge his alcoholism? do you feel your relationship is beyond repair?

it seems to me that you have so much on your plate, rather than trying to tackle everything at once, you need to prioritise everything. it's overwhelming otherwise. i'd get yourself sorted out first, when you're feeling strong, then you can tackle your dh and your relationship.

[glitterfairy]

I agree with warthog do one thing at a time and decide which one you need help with first. It sounds like a hell of a mess and will be quite hard to untangle unless you decide which thing needs sorting first and what you want to do with your life.

PND is a nightmare but with the right help and medication it can also give oyu a lot of self awareness.

[Pages]

So sorry Lou33, didn't know this. But sounds like you are feeling better having made the split.

[lou33]

was in november, but yes i do

[bunnyhops]

Thanks for your messages of support.
He came home on time on Friday and said he had read my letter and had taken it all in and had listened to what the letter had said.

Things have been fairly quiet ovet the weekend and dh has stayed in all weekend.
I wrote him a letter explaining how I had come to the end of my tether with it all and said It was'nt fair on me or more importantly the children.

The real test will be tomorrow when he goes back to work and go againest the urge to go to the pub after work as he normally does.
Don't want to sound so cynical but have learnt to expect the worst and am just hoping he won't let us down next week.
I hate it when he has a drink free weekend and then he goes and drinks all week and I dread it from day to day thinking how will I cope.

[bunnyhops]

Bump

[lou33]

i used to feel exactly the same

[warthog]

let us know how it goes tonight.

did you issue an ultimatum in your letter?

{{{hugs}}}

[Notquitesotiredmum]

Hi Bunnyhops

Just to let you know that I am thinking of you.

So glad that dh was able to talk to you a little, and that you had a quiet weekend. Assuming that he doesn't go back out drinking now, can you tell him how you are feeling about the coming week? Would he consider staying out of the pub for a week? (Or seeing someone at AA?) If not, could he agree to go to the pub say two or three times a week rather than every night, and could he plan those nights in advance, so that you know which nights he will be at home?

In the meantime, there's lots of good advice here about looking after yourself. Do take some steps to get some extra help for yourself if you can.

Best of luck. Keep posting

[bunnyhops]

Hi everyone.
Thanks for keeping in touch.

He came in at 7.15 last night which is an improvement but had still been to the pub for a few drinks.He still had his phone turned off though which is highly frustrating.

I did not issue an ultimatium in my letter as such as I am not sure what that would be.I don't really have anyone practically I could stay with and not sure if drastic action would be the right way to do things.

We have talked about him only going out a couple of times a week instead but that never seems to work.The trouble is if he has a bad day at work he uses that as an excuse to stay out.

Still feeling unsettled and not sure what the answer is apart from him stopping drinking altogether.

[topseyturvey]

Bump

[miniminx]

I'm in a rush, so haven't read all the replies, but I'm not surprised your mental health is suffering, bunny. Most people would find it difficult to cope with this and not have it impact on their anxiety levels. If he behaved like this when your babies were born too no wonder you had pnd. Even someone without a small baby to cope with might find it hard.

You sound very strong to be holding it together at all.

Glad your letter seems to have worked well as a way of opening up communications. Don't know you or dh so don't know the best way of doing this, but in my experience it is important to seize the bull by the horns and not let the communication gap close - he may be keen to try to close it because he is afraid/the picture you are showing him of himself doesn't look good.

It does sound as if he may well need to stop drinking altogether or at least to have a very specific regime around his drinking, so that you have more of a sense of stability in your life and at least know when he will be home and when he will be staying out.

I'm not sure about offering advice about how to handle things as different things work with different people and I'd hate to suggest something that made things worse - I suppose the experts are the best place to go if he is at all willing - relate AND AA by the sound of it.

Take care of yourself the best you can and try to remember that you have been very strong to cope with this as well as you have so far.