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Mil nightmare or am I overreacting? Dh says I am "ill"

(128 Posts)
Marmaladetoast Sun 15-Sep-13 15:43:08

I have posted before about dh, but he has been a bit better, but now this happened.

We have a house abroad that we have decided to let for holidays - we are just starting to rent out. Its not in the UK, its near dh family. We redecorated it this summer, cleaned it, bought new linen and curtains then flew home.

Dh was sent some pics today of the interior and all the curtains have been changed, all the bed linen has been changed. Mil apparently spent 9 hours redoing the curtains and bed linen in all the bedrooms, letting herself into the cellar and going through all the carefully packed away linen and curtains to re do it.

I was beyond furious. Dh was too, until he spoke to mil and she was very upset we are upset and want it put back how it was when ut took her 9 hours to take down curtains and linen in 3 rooms, deconstruct the beds, go through all our stuff to find something else and put it all up again.

she says when she was hoovering the curtains fell down in the main bedroom, apparently the new curtain hooks ( hanging on the new rails ) put up by professional builders couldn't cope with her hoovering. Instead of getting new hooks she changed the curtains in all the bedrooms and all the linen.

I am really angry about it- she didn't ask, I don't believe her story for a minute, and even so why change all the bedrooms round? And is now feeling very upset and angry I and dh are so ungrateful. She had a good old poke round all our stuff which was locked and bil has the key, so he must have given it to her.

Dh got off the phone, says I am wrong to be so upset and angry at her when she was helping. He says he prefers what she has done. He said I must be ill in the head to get so upset. He says I need mental help as I am upset just for curtains and bed clothes.

I am more angry she just did it, without asking, not caring what we wanted and expects praise for it. There was nothing wrong with any of it, just not to her taste.

Am I wrong here? Dh says I need to see a doctor and I am overreacting. He is making me doubt myself. I wouldn't change anyone's stuff without asking, especially if there was nothing wrong with it.

He isn't speaking to me and has stormed off to work, I am still shaking.

JustBecauseICan Sun 15-Sep-13 16:55:13

Just read your other thread.

So it isn't the first time he's told you you are mentally ill? And he lies to other people about how much he contributes to the relationship?

He's a real catch isn't he?

It is definitely not about curtains.

tribpot Sun 15-Sep-13 17:12:39

Gotta agree, your MIL is completely out of order but the real problem is your DH. Accusing you of being mentally ill is beyond the pale.

I cannot understand the logic of what she has done. You are renting the house out so have chosen those furnishings you are willing to have in place during rental periods. You would want easy-to-care-for stuff, certainly not your best bits and bobs, as it's much more practical. I still don't get (not that it matters) what her excuse is - some hooks fell down so she changed every soft furnishing in the place? WTF?

You can ignore all the 'whole family can't understand why you're furious' thing - all hearsay from your DH and/or his MIL I assume.

However, none of that changes the fact that your DH is completely out of order. I see no prospect of you being able to have a sensible discussion with him about it.

kirstyleanne Sun 15-Sep-13 17:22:04

I'm sorry but the things your dh is saying comes firmly under the category of emotional abuse.

You're not wrong in how you feel at all.

perfectstorm Sun 15-Sep-13 17:35:55

He's an emotionally abusive bully.

My MIL tried similar in our house when we bought it, actually. I put my foot down, and DH backed me up. The paint she "helpfully" bought in the colours/type she preferred was exchanged and we refused, despite endless argument, to put woodchip up (I'm not joking - she's from a background where nice brand new walls are naicer than old lime render with plain paper as a base for paint, and "good quality woodchip hides the bumps!"). If DH had tried to make out she should dictate my life and that I was mad to care ("It's just wallpaper and paint!") I'd have left him.

Marmaladetoast Sun 15-Sep-13 18:07:10

Dh called me, I thought to apologise, but no, he wanted some important bit of paper emailed over right away. I said I thought he had called to apologise but he said he had nothing to apologise for and was I still going on about it.

He reiterated he wanted his bit of paper. Its a contract for someone to sign for some consultancy work. I did send it, because its our income.

He says he hasn't time for this and if I want the house in the market I can do it myself. Can hardly write or speak his language and he will be as difficult as possible about it all if I go ahead. He said we would talk later.

I said we wouldn't as I was going to bed. I wake at 4 every morning and can't sleep again. I am so tired plus the dc wake up a bit as they are getting used to it all.

I'm not drip feeding its extra info that I keep trying not to think about. We had sex in the summer and I thought, just felt, he isn't making love like he used to its all wrongsad he is just having sex. I could be anyone.

I can't read my other thread it upsets me too much to see it in black and white.

Plus he is getting angry and he doesn't care I see the anger. He started going through my fb which is on the iPad - nothing to see of course, but he is being very weird. I think its because I said I wanted to leave. He knows I have nowhere to go, and there is no way I can live in the holiday house, near his family and the language difficulties.

Marmaladetoast Sun 15-Sep-13 18:09:15

Should I see a doctor? To see if he thinks I am ok? I'm going to look really odd aren't Isad

Viking1 Sun 15-Sep-13 18:37:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustinBsMum Sun 15-Sep-13 18:37:44

Gawd, I can imagine you needing a drink, that is cruel bullying really by the family.

Not sure what the answer is though. But I would squirrel some money away to start with because if you did decide that you needed to separate he doesn't sound as if he would be reasonable.

You say your DCs love the foreign home but ime most DCs want a happy mum over everything else and they must know that sometimes you aren't. Or are they at boarding school?

If he is a sensible person he will know that him and his family ganging up against you is not a plan for a happy marriage.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 15-Sep-13 18:41:07

The apple that is rotten at its heart did not fall far from the rotten tree i.e his toxic mother's family. Like mother, like son.

You need to see a Solicitor to plan your exit from this marriage, not a doctor.

LondonNinja Sun 15-Sep-13 18:45:36

What is it with these fucking mummy's boys??

You are not crazy. She's a silly interfering bitch and he needs to get real. Twat.

hotair Sun 15-Sep-13 18:58:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LittleWhiteWolf Sun 15-Sep-13 19:43:39

I never knew these men existed before MN. As soon as I see men siding with their family, i.e. their childhood family rather than their chosen family of partner and kids, I just seethe.
Your DH is a dick; how dare he claim you have mental problems just because you disagree with his mothers inference and arrogance! Do not go to see a dr. There is nothing wrong with you.
Him on the other hand...

perfectstorm Sun 15-Sep-13 20:00:55

If my MIL had done that my DH would explode. He certainly wouldn't bully, attack and gaslight me.

The only thing wrong with you is the utter shit you're married to. Seriously, speak to an English-speaking solicitor and find out your legal rights on divorce. And get said English-speaking solicitor to handle the sale of the property, too. Deduct the cost from the equity. After all, your not-at-all-D H told you to manage the sale yourself, right? So you need someone versed in local law, who also speaks your language.

Protect your financial interests and plan an exit strategy. This man is ruthless and will not fight fair.

DIYapprentice Sun 15-Sep-13 20:12:20

OP, I think you should just wash your hands of everything that your MIL and BIL can interfere with. Have NOTHING to do with the house, treat it as a holiday house for yourself. If something needs doing, leave it to your DH and make it clear WHY. Focus your energy on what will make your live better AWAY from your ILs.

Don't, under any circumstances go to that country to live with your DH EVER. If you split up, you will likely be forced to stay there with the DC.

ProphetOfDoom Sun 15-Sep-13 20:15:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MadBusLady Sun 15-Sep-13 20:18:01

Marmalade I've read both your threads. I don't know whether this comes too late, but it's not a good idea to put energy and time into meeting up with your ex. I know you're trying to escape, and by the sound of your marriage I really don't blame you, but another man is not the answer. You're going to have to rescue yourself and THAT is going to take all your energy and time - don't rely on somebody turning up to sweep you off your feet. That didn't work out so well last time.

Marmaladetoast Mon 16-Sep-13 04:02:12

I can't sleep. Thanks for your replies, it helps but the stark reality is terrifying.

The dc are under 6. They overheard us and now ds is upset granny changed all his bedroom stuff in his room over there. Replaced his curtains with bloody purple and brown big stripes. They even sent us photos.

It would take me years to get out saving bits from cash withdrawals. I don't have any cash worth speaking of. I have a ring worth a lot of money though, but he would know instantly, as I wear it.

I haven't seen my ex as we moved abroad. He doesn't know any of this anyway.

The only asset I have is the joint owned house over there. It would have to go. The idea is that I spend summer there in school hols and dh joins us for his hols and sees his family, dc see them. I don't have any family in the UK, so dh won't pay for flights there.

I can't talk to him. He talks as though nothing has happened and I
Don't know what to say apart from " tell your mum to change it back" and he says he can't ask her to, after it took her so long and it looks ok, its just a holiday house. I feel I hate him. Its exhausting, hating.

tribpot Mon 16-Sep-13 07:00:42

But you must see that, leaving all other things aside, you cannot spend summers there with his family. You would go bonkers.

You sound utterly trapped. How much freedom would that ring buy you? What's he going to do if he does see that you're not wearing it?

You say your family aren't in the UK, do you have family somewhere else?

RhondaJean Mon 16-Sep-13 08:01:35

Can I just add one thing?

I think you speak the language PERFECTLY.

Good luck flowers

nicename Mon 16-Sep-13 08:45:07

Sorry to leap in without reading the whole thing (although some bits do sound very familiar from another thread).

Are we talking a major culture clash here? The whole 'mamma rules and DiLs suck it up'? I know its shitty, and no excusing hs behaviour but in some places its all about 'saving face' and putting family memners well and truly in their place.

JustBecauseICan Mon 16-Sep-13 08:46:31

Are you both not in the UK but in different countries?

(am just thinking about logistics)

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Mon 16-Sep-13 09:05:09

So his family is his mummy dearest and his brothers etc and you and his kids are what? exactly?

I always think it's creepy as fuck (think Timothy from 'Sorry' and Norman Bates...) when a grown man has such kind of relationship with mummy. mummy comes first. Mummy's likkle soldier. Nobody will ever love you like mummy.

sexy as hell to have a big strong grown man who's never cut the apron strings. hmm

Sadly, I think if they get to his age and are still mummy mummy mummy, you've got sod all chance of them ever reprioritising so your choices are accept that they see their family as mummy dearest and not you (or best case scenario THEN you) or vote with your feet at the earliest opportunity and leave them to a life of snuggling into mummy's warm bosom and sobbing about why will no woman ever love them like mama does.

Sounds like he treats you like shit in all other respects too, so perhaps it wouldn't be a bad idea to consider whether this is the life you want for you and your children, or the relationship template you want them to follow and if you make the choice that it is not, see how it may be possible to go about changing it. Even if it is very very difficult to do so, would it be worth it in the long term? That's something only you can decide.

wealthypensioneriamnot Mon 16-Sep-13 09:44:52

No really helpful comments to make here as I am sure other MN members will give you support. But just wanted to say that I am amazed at how many men use this idea that a woman must be " mentally I'll " or " need to see a doctor " the minute they don't agree with them or start to stick up for themselves . I had never heard the term " water torture " before but having read the details realise that my FIL was certainly one of the best !!! He is still alive but my MIL died a few years ago and in the last few years of her life she seemed to suddenly think she had nothing to lose by speaking her mind . As a result he told the rest of the family that he thought she had dementia and was being very verbally abusive to him. He even got Mental Health nurses involved and she went for a brain scan etc. he had everyone convinced by his version of events . However , they came to stay with us for a few days and she frantically tried to tell me what was going on bit he rarely left us alone for long .... he obviously didnt want her to " offload ". At one point he also wrote to her doctor in secret to try to make out that she was going mad .The poor woman eventually died as she had cancer but not before he had made her life a misery. By the way , she wasn't " mad " and the scans showed nothing wrong with her brain . She had just had enough of his bullying ways .

Sorry to high jack the thread but even now , years later , I am angry that we all believed his version of events and I would give anything to have her still here and be able to support her .

I wish you all the best .

acrabadabra Mon 16-Sep-13 10:02:48

Can you 'lose' your ring and just sell it. Tell him it fell down the toilet or a drain in the street?

Do you have any other things to sell that he wouldn't notice?

Even a small amount to buy you plane or train tickets to get home. Do you have anyone in the UK to reach out to. If you were even just someone I'd met at a wedding or work thing I would still want to help you get away from this man.

Find a solicitor where you are and talk through your options regarding selling your holiday home.

I remember your other thread. I am no expert at this but I am worried about you. Do something now before he grinds you down. Please.

Marmaladetoast Tue 17-Sep-13 16:07:11

Wealthpenisioneriamnot that sounds awfulsad

The ring would make about 8k if I sold it. I would have to get a copy made first though. I have thought about it, but its an heirloom for the dc.

I am from the UK, dh is European and we moved to the Middle East this summer.

I really don't have anyone in the UK, my friends live abroad now too, and we have all been so caught up with our lives, we have grown apart. I feel a bit silly calling someone and dumping all this on them.

He came home and said that mil would be changing it all back at the weekend and she is very very hurt at my reaction. He says its over now, its going back to how it was so forget about it.

I will never live there- this confirms my suspicions about mil- she rules everyone's lives, they let her and no one makes a move without asking her first. He said if it doesn't work out for me here, - i already hate it, the heat! I can live in the house near mil! I said we would go back to the UK, and sell the house but he just tells me I am being stupid and we can't do that. Plus houses aren't easy to sell, and it could take ages.

I am so tired. I won't be seeing a doctor either. I might have asked the one at home but being new here, I don't know anyone yet.

I have to get out of here. But I have to arrange somewhere to go first.

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