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Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

(344 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:14:03

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

Dillie Mon 16-Sep-13 16:50:00

Up until 5 months ago I was in a similar situation to you toast

My ex didn't exactly force me into sex, but he sure made my life miserable saying I was selfish, frigid and a lesbian! The fact that he made my blood turn cold didn't seem to matter. In the end I just put up with it and got the deed done, knowing that he wouldn't make the days following miserable. If he didn't get any he would sulk, shout and generally be a real twunt.

Like you I waited a few years until my dd grew up a bit and my finances were secure(ish). Looking back now I so wish I got out 7 years ago.

Those 7 years destroyed me. I am a shadow of what I used to be until I met this 'man'. Zero confidence, trust no one and have very few friends. He saw to that!

I left the following week my 8 year old dd stuck up for me. Only then did I open my eyes and took off the rose glasses, saw what was really happening and stopped praying and hoping it would get better. Believe me, it doesn't. I hated myself for allowing my dd to not only see but understand what was going on. She didn't have to be told, she knew. They are far more in tune than we give them credit for.

I am in therapy now which is helping. Was not until my therapist said it is rape and psychological abuse that it hit home what a doormat I had become, just to keep the peace. Now that I am working on accepting it was what it is, I can now start to heal.

I appreciate that now is not the time for you to leave, start planning at least. Please don't leave it too long, as sometimes tomorrow never comes and it is easier and far less scary to stay put.

Look after yourself.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 16-Sep-13 16:29:51

Have a <hug> and some flowers and take a step back to think about this and process it all.

It's quite scary, reading hundreds of women telling you your life is damaging you and your children, and your choices are wrong. But you are so far inside the abuser's rabbit hole that you can't see clearly. That doesn't mean a word of what has been written here is not correct (apart from one poster's very skewed perception of consent) so please do give it some serious consideration.

Capitaltrixie Mon 16-Sep-13 16:26:15

Glad you're ok toast.
Good idea, sit down, read and try to process it all. I'm hoping it starts to make sense and you find a way to see clearly what you need to do and ultimately become strong enough to leave (soon).

I'm so sorry you've previously had your boundaries shot to oblivion. As a side issue, you've mentioned counselling (and it sounds like it's been helpful), but it might be worth seeking out some other therapy or even going down the path of DBT (dialectal behavioural therapy, rather than cognitive).

LurcioLovesFrankie Mon 16-Sep-13 15:28:44

Big hug.

You have (quite rightly, because it might identify you) chosen not to explain why you feel you can't leave (and you do not need to justify every bit of your decision to people on the internet) and I do understand that there are circumstances which might make it very hard for you (circumstances which are far from trivial). At the same time, it might be that you are so beaten down mentally by this man that you can't see the wood for the trees, and there is an exit strategy that you haven't seen yet. But either way I see that you're talking to people in RL about this, which is good.

And I hope you can find a way forward, and I hope that the vast majority of us have helped you to understand that what this man is doing is horrible, and that in an ideal world you should not have to put up with it (and I hope that possibly even in this far-from-ideal world we've helped you to think about some alternatives to lying back and bearing it).

I hope that you and your children escape from this awful situation as soon as possible.

Toastandstrawberryjam Mon 16-Sep-13 15:07:27

Hi I just wanted to say thank you for everyone's input. I have been reading the posts although I'm not quite sure I understand everything that's being said. I need to sit down with a cup of coffee and try and make sense of it all. Thanks again.

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:07:18

{clutching at straws}

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:06:59

If you are referring to a grammatical error, bravo, well done. Please stop posting now.

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 15:06:15

No, sorry.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 16-Sep-13 14:59:48

Your an idiot
I'm sure even you can see the irony of that post Roz.

MatildaWhispers Mon 16-Sep-13 14:57:22

The OP may be at a point where, if she has the conversation and he won't accept her saying 'no' and then forces her in whatever way to have sex (maybe a very subtle way I don't mean leap on her and viciously force her necessarily) she will be forced to accept she is being raped.

If she avoids the conversation, she can pretend she is in control and managing her feelings and coping fine.

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:57:18

The information that OP has decide to withhold are her reasons for staying. She has been very forthcoming on the main issues we are discussing - his emotional and sexual abuse of her.

CailinDana Mon 16-Sep-13 14:54:03

So a man can get away with treating his wife and children like shit as long as he doesn't say he's doing it?

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:53:01


roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:52:16

What difference does it make whether that 'conversation' has taken place or not? OP has explained that that is the case. Just because he has not directly said that to her, doesn't change the reality of the situation. Is OP's word not enough? We have to take her at her word.

The words coercion and choice are completely juxtaposed and yet you use them in the same substance which really does highlight just how clueless you are. Your posts are unhelpful; very much so.

'We know he's a moody bastard when they haven't had sex for a while'

Your an idiot.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 16-Sep-13 14:49:36

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

ageofgrandillusion Mon 16-Sep-13 14:43:47

We know he is a moody bastard when they havent had sex for a while.
We know things settle down for a bit following sex.
But has a conversation ever taken place about this? - ie "have sex with me or i will make yours and the kids lives hell."
We simply dont know if that conversation has taken place. The OP has concluded herself that having sex is the best way to keep the peace, so to speak.
It is a very disturbing situation. But is she being coerced? In her own mind she doesnt have a choice. Many posters here think actually she does have a choice.
My point is this - this is far from black and white. The OP herself has witheld some information which may also answer questions. There simply is not enough information here to say that this is coercion and therefore rape.
Fwiw, i think this is a very sad situation. I wish the OP well.

MatildaWhispers Mon 16-Sep-13 14:35:55

age this really is not as bizarre as you might like to believe. And calling it that doesn't help anyone who might be considering trying to talk to a professional about such a situation. toast you would be understood by professionals at RC or WA, they would totally understand and would not see this as bizarre or weird or make you feel ashamed in any way.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Mon 16-Sep-13 14:27:03

If her life is made unbearable and her children are being abused as a direct result of refusing to have sex then she is being coerced. I don't think you understand the definition or concept of coercion. If any kind of pressure, emotional blackmail or punishment is used to coerce someone into 'consenting' then the consent is not valid = rape.

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:26:54

Seriously age, if this is not coercion why don't you name it for us.

LurcioLovesFrankie Mon 16-Sep-13 14:22:52

She's said she doesn't want it, to the point where she's bathing in dettol and the idea of initiating makes her want to throw up. She's said that her husband knows she doesn't want it, but goes ahead anyway. She's said that she thinks he likes the idea that she doesn't want it.

And you think there's no coercion going on?

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:22:26

Age, do you have any idea or comprehension of how emotionally and psychologically difficult it would be to realise that you are being coerced into sex by the man you are married to and have children with?? And moreover, after this realisation to actually put a name to it and accept it as coercion?? From what the op has said this is obviously the case. I have a genuine question for you, do you view it as coercion, and if not, what DO you view it as?

roz1982 Mon 16-Sep-13 14:17:49

She might not even recognise it as coercion/label it as coercive but that doesn't mean it isn't!!

ageofgrandillusion Mon 16-Sep-13 14:13:39

At no point does the OP say she is being coerced. Is this guy threatening her to have sex? Is he using force? For sure, the OP feels life is easier when she has sex with him from time to time - two weeks she suggests. But that does not constitute being coerced.

rainbowfeet Mon 16-Sep-13 14:13:03

While yesterday I found this thread really sad & I felt so sorry for the op.... Today I'm more inclined to want to shout .... FFS.. Life is way too short & precious to live a life like yours!!!

My mum suffered years of dv physical & emotional at the hands of my dad... Her advice recently to another female family member... Was get out now..... There is so much help out there compared to when she tried to leave my dad... The Police refused to help her saying it wasn't a Police matter!! Even a solicitor told her she's better off putting up with it & how did she think she would feed her kids without a man!!!! (Early 1970's)!! shock

From my point if view... Don't underestimate how much your kids will pick up on & the long term damage it does!!

OxfordBags Mon 16-Sep-13 14:08:14

Ageof, the grand illusion part of your username is very apt here hmm

Again, what is this fixation with conviction? Suggesting you shouldn't go to the police if you can't secure a conviction is like saying no-one should play tennis unless they could make it to Wimbledon!

And the OP's situation is NOT 'bizarre'. Calling it something like that is shaming and isolating. Victims already blame themselves, and thinking that their scenario is really weird could make them think that it is their fault it has got so bad, think that if it is weird, no-one will believe them, understand it or grasp the details properly, or they might think that bizarre equals incredibly extreme and the enormity of tackling it feels too much.

A quick glance through just the first page of the Relationships section will tell anyone that what the OP os going through is depressingly normal. There are a lot of women out there feeling like they haven't got a choice but to submit to a man fucking them. A lot of women suffering EA. A lot of women believing it is their lot in life to have to tolerate such awful sex (abuse, rape). A lot of women believing they cannot say no, or fearing the repercussions if they do. A lot of women believing sex like that will keep him sweet to the kids. It's not bizarre, it should be, but it's not.

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