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Coping strategies needed (probably tmi)

(344 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:14:03

This isn't an easy subject to ask about and possibly some people will find it distasteful and for that I apologise.

I need coping strategies to help me get through having sex with my H. For reasons I can't go into leaving is not an option for a few years. It just isn't. I wholly wish it was.

But because we are not intimate with each other (my choice) tension is very high in the house. Intolerably so. The only answer to this (and I know because I know it's all that works) is for me to recommence relationships with a man who quite frankly makes my skin crawl. He is EA and has no respect for me, not exactly a turn on.

The last time I finally gave in after a month of demands, I felt ill and dirty for days afterwards. Is there anyway (other than getting very drunk) I can cope better with this? Meditation gets me through the act, so to speak but the thoughts afterwards are the problem.

I'm wondering if it's better done in the morning, hold it together and get the kids to school after then a very hot bath and try to blot it out. Sleeping afterwards never works.

I know it shouldn't be like this. I just need help getting the next few years out of the way. Any ideas?

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:17:02

Please don't do this to yourself. You are worth so much more.

notanyanymore Sun 15-Sep-13 10:20:46

have you thought about contacting women's aid? they should be able to get you a 'support worker' who is basically someone you meet with/talk to privately who will help you with strategies and also assist with providing you with all the information you need regarding leaving when you choose to do so.
They're not all about helping you run for the hills into a safe house, they will provide real support for you.

Titsalinabumsquash Sun 15-Sep-13 10:23:16

Your OP is very sad, please, there has to be another way rather than subjecting yourself to this. Please call women's aid or talk to us maybe we can come up with something. thanks

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:23:33

I have all the information I need ready for when I can leave. I can't now. I've had financial advice, legal advice. But what I need is to get through the next few years without us all living in misery because his "needs aren't met".

I have to do this and I need to be able to cope without falling apart.

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:25:32

I honestly think doing this will damage you for life. You must already be in a very bad place to be considering it.

ALittleStranger Sun 15-Sep-13 10:31:06

Leaving is an option, I suspect you've had very bad advice if you've been told to sit it out for a few years. Taking a financial hit is surely worth it to avoid the scenario you describe?

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:36:00

The financial reason isn't why I'm staying. I can assure you that if I could leave and being penniless was my only problem then I would go.

I don't need advice on leaving now. I just need to cope. There must be somebody on here who has had to deal with something like this?

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:38:08

Could you explain your reasons for staying? That might help us understand better so we can advise you.

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:40:57

You absolutely cannot continue doing this to yourself.

If he knows what you are going through and goes ahead with having sex on you anyway, well...there are no words.

This is one of the saddest things I've ever read.

Please see a counsellor.

Roshbegosh Sun 15-Sep-13 10:43:08

You will be living in misery whether you meet his needs or not, as long as you are together.

Johnny5needsinput Sun 15-Sep-13 10:43:47

You can't do this. It will drive you insane. Been there. Done that.

You have to leave. For your own mental well being

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:44:10

I'm sorry I can't. It's too specific and there's a chance somebody in RL might see and identify me. Please believe me if I could go then I would.

I'm not being held against my will or anything like that. I just have to stay for now, for my children's sake. And I want their lives for the next few years to seem happy. I can do it on a day to day basis, nobody would ever know. I have to figure this out too. On a S and B thread I was reading somebody was talking about a bath with dettol in. I need ideas like that, practical things I can do. Alcohol just means I have a hangover to deal with as well afterwards!

ALittleStranger Sun 15-Sep-13 10:45:43

OP no one is going to advise you how to torture yourself. If it's dangerous to leave then there are people who can help with that.

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:46:02

He knows I hate it. Knows I will do anything to get out of doing it. I think he gets a kick out of knowing that.

Yes I've seen a counsellor. This is why I can be so level headed and unemotional about this. I'm so detached from him that to have to do this is beyond difficult.

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:46:09

Please stop.


You will ruin your life. You will not emerge from this mentally well. No amount of Dettol in the world will remove the damage this will do to you.

You believe that you cannot leave. That does not make it true. You can.

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:46:39

Then he is raping you.

Penguin2 Sun 15-Sep-13 10:46:54

Beyond taking yourself off into a fantasy world and trying not to think about the man you are with, I have no practical advice. I do know what it is like though to live with a man who sours the family atmosphere simply because he isn't getting 'it'. sad

Presumably he has some idea that you are not keen on having sex with him (you say the last time you had sex was after a month of going without and you talk about recommencing relationships) so what would happen if you told him you do not wish to have any further sexual relationships and he is free to look for sex outside the marriage? Could you do that or would that cause intolerable or undesirable repercussions?

CailinDana Sun 15-Sep-13 10:47:46

Does your counsellor know about this?

Toastandstrawberryjam Sun 15-Sep-13 10:48:15

I've told him he can go elsewhere. He doesn't want to.

TaudrieTattoo Sun 15-Sep-13 10:48:44

If you really think your children will not be affected by their mother being abused by their father for years, then you really need to go back to the counsellor, or find a different one, and work that belief through.

They need good relationships modelled to them, and a well mother.

This sounds nightmarish.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Sun 15-Sep-13 10:48:52

The only possible advice would be second paragraph of Penguin's post.

Repeatedlydoingthetwist Sun 15-Sep-13 10:49:32

So he'd rather sleep with you even though he knows you don't want to?

ALittleStranger Sun 15-Sep-13 10:49:39

You are not being level headed and unemotional. Your counsellor would be horrified if they saw this thread. Did they suggest coping mechanisms? I doubt this is what they meant.

Roshbegosh Sun 15-Sep-13 10:50:36

Is this some kind of visa issue? Did you feel like this when you married him?

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