Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Considering calling police, will I be wasting their time?

(116 Posts)
Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 21:28:31

I posted a cpl of weeks ago re my ex and nasty text messages, not really threatening just very verbally abusive.

I took advice and made new solicitors appointment rather than approach te police with a view to getting some sort of non molestation order against him.

My solicitor wasnt present when I went to appointment and has since failed to contact me to rearange(whole other thread, I hope to be able to get a new solicitor using existing legal aid claim, I've no idea if this is possible.

So last night ex texted me saying he "knew" I was seeing someone and basically asking where I was, where ds was etc.

I vocally respond saying none of your business, leave me alone. For the record I'm neither seeing someone and was at home in bed. As was ds

The texts started agin this afternoon basically saying I'm seeing someone who has a gf and kids, he hasn't named anyone but he has accused me of this before and I've not seen the person in question for years and not communicated with him in any way for over a year.

As it happens I wouldn't be interested in this person even if single.

So ex is obviously wound up, albeit unjustifiably.

Tonight he has driven past my house and texted to again ask where ds was as house was in darkness, ds was in bed and I was in back bedroom ironing.

Again I respond that he needs to leave me alone but do tell him that ds is at home in bed. He respond with "if you don't stop lying ill come round there and find out for myself".

This is the first time I've felt threatened and I do want to call the police I'm just scared that they will see this as a silly domestic which will waste their time.

In truth I genuinely believe ex has issues with some sort of personality disorder, he certainly has narc traits and I'm worried what will come next.

He has no reason at all to drive past my house(tucked away well back from main road, he has no friends nearby) and obviously he has no right to behave this way but is it criminal?

I've got to hand ds over at ten am tomorrow for contact and just know his behaviour will be icy and disrespectful at best so my mum is going to be around.

This is shit, I'm nothing but polite and calm towards him and I've dealt with this for over a year. Is rig police immediately if I knew they would understand. Just feel shit taking them away from crime and important duties

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:28:06

I've not replied only to say leave me alone. The texts just come as a barrage of bullshit regardless of whether i reply or not. ive long sice learned not to get drawn into conversation.

It's a long line of nastiness but I'm aware it's bordering on harassment/stalking. And I'm worried that his behaviour is getting worse. We have been split for over a year!

Another quick question, I know the police won't but is it possible for my solicitor to question his mental health and the possible impact on ds?

This is someone who believes he has the right to behave this way, he's not fearful of consequences(this could be a front however) and whose thoughts are totally irrational.

I want to protect my ds and be able have a life without this bully trying to scare me

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:32:55

I've called 101, someone from local station will be calling me back asap tonight.

Thank you for talking the sense into me for doing it

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 22:34:31

My ex did less and the police spoke to him, luckily that was enough to put him off. My only regret was not having phoned the police sooner (years before) - he had a habit and still does or doing things that are right to the wire so I do think.. is it bad enough to report, it is a common tactic used by an abusive man - they don't want to get in trouble but they want to cause you pain.
The bringing in of third parties to negate in some way thier part in this is - another tactic. Like he is doing you/them the favour. So what if you were it is non of his business and as someone else said; and so what if you had a babysitter and were out shagging. he needs to understand soon that he is not in control of you and it may take the police to tell him that.

The advice not to respond to another single message is the right advice - bullying someone is not as much fun of you don't get the reaction you want. But saying that the abuser may then excalate things, my ex did. Please ring the police asap - I know DS is up, hope he can settle soon and yes I would speak to your GP too about help for DS - I know he has a great mum in you but it would help you both I think. I feel for you both flowers

EMS23 Sat 14-Sep-13 22:35:15

Please call the police. What he is doing is domestic abuse and you need to have it logged.
His abusive behaviour is escalating and I am worried for you about what he may do next.

You are not less important than any other work the police have on tonight.

LeaningTowerOfGaffney Sat 14-Sep-13 22:37:44

If it was a stranger would you call the police? Of course you would. Just because you 'know' your ex h doesn't mean he's not going to act irrationally - and you've already said he IS irrational.

Just call them!

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:37:46

That's good, I'm glad they are taking it seriously.

It would be worth asking their advice about contact, since they are professionals who see this kind of thing all the time - it could help. My understanding is that if there is no court order you do not have to make your DS available for contact.

The other people who could advise with this are Women's Aid. You can email them I believe, to see if they have any support workers in your area or can advise on a course of action/solicitor/etc. If not then you can definitely phone them. They are usually engaged these days sad But will phone you back if you leave a number and a safe time (thankfully ALL times are safe for you now, just think of that - I hope that soon his vile bullying tactics will be gone from your life completely.)

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 22:38:00

Sorry crossed post - well done OP - advice I have read before is that to mention someone's mental health doesn't get much of a responce and it is better to just keep informing the court/cafcass of actions - they say it all. The police report will help - they will be great. They will probably send someone round - take the help OP - you have done nothing wrong here - you are at home with your DS being a great Mum.
Get this step over with and then look at contact issues and help for DS - one step at a time you will get there - you are doing really well.

Gruntfuttock Sat 14-Sep-13 22:39:11

The fact that you think he may well be drink-driving is far from trivial too. He could injure or kill someone.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:40:47

You could also contact social services for advice about contact - I know this seems extreme, but you're just asking for their advice/opinion, it's not like you're reporting him or flagging your DS up as "at risk" or anything. From what I have seen on here before it's useful to get as many different professionals from as many different angles as possible involved as it strengthens your case. I was lucky in a way, in that my ex lost interest in DS fairly quickly despite me always making him available for contact etc. Maybe it was just too easy for him?

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 22:41:38

But yours sounds a bit more pro-active than mine, who was mostly all mouth and no trousers... Sorry rambling now. If I were you I would get as much back up from as many different sources as humanly possible.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 22:53:36

A policeman has called me back. He was lovely. I got upset on the phone but he was very kind.

He asked if ds was with me and took our address as well as exes.

He has made a note for a colleague to come and see me first thing tomorrow and has told me to dial 999 in the meantime if I need to.

He asked for reg of ex's vehicle but I don't know it, only the last three digits and a discription. He said they would keep an eye on it, not sure what he meant but he has reassured me.

I mentioned having to see ex for hand over and he asked if there was a third party until full report taken and advice given and there is so that's what I'll do tomorrow.

Thank you all. You are all right in that I am actually scared. Not so much about tonight's debacle but more of what will be next.

I sleep in a back bedroom and think ill move us to the front one tonight

BOF Sat 14-Sep-13 22:59:35

Good luck, love.

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 23:08:27

That's great OP - you have done the right thing - I know just how you feel tonight - I would pick DS up out of his bed and put him in with me as I thought he would be safer in case something happened - it never did happen but I don't want to speak too soon - it still crosses my mind - no one else I know makes me feel like that.
Don't minimise anything to the police - your ex has tried to down play things to you and it took me a long time not to down play it to others.

When I rang the police they got a DV team member to ring me and they asked if they could inform SS which they did and I got a really nice reply from SS, very supportive.

I know there is a still a long way to go for agencies to be joined up but I found that they were pretty good in my case. If the police give you the option of them getting the DV team to ring you, take it and if they ask can they inform SS say yes - it will be to your DS and your benefit.

People like your ex need all the shutters pulling down - I know you still have handover issues but if he carries on with the abuse that will have to reduce as your DS would be exposed to it and it would not be in thier best interest and emotionally damaging as you know. One step at a time though -I know you are frightened tonight but you have done the right thing. I wish I could come round and stop over with you. flowers

EMS23 Sat 14-Sep-13 23:09:00

Good, I'm glad you called the police and they were reassuring.
Tomorrow, call Women's Aid. They will help you with all of this and give you really good advice about how to stay safe.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 23:21:32

Thank you all again.

Ds is in with me hogging the bed smile

I was actually in touch with a support worker from local women's aid when we first split around a year ago.

She was lovely, and very pro active but honestly, she and her colleagues were so stretched I kind of made way for more urgent cases, which I entirely understand. I may call again this week, as a poster said, to get another agency involved.
I have had counselling arranged through an employee support service at work which has helped me.

My solicitors worry me as I've said and this needs sorting. I do feel like giving up with them and finding someone else more reliable but this hinges on my legal aid being transferable since the changes in April.

Social services does worry me, which is ridiculous as I am a good mum, ds has a stable, loving home and and is thriving. You hear such horror stories but if they do get involved due to police involvement then its a necessary byproduct .

Over the past year I've reached varying degrees of strength but looking back none of it has been enough. I let things lie wen he is being nice for an easy life.

It stops now, I'm actually relived to have made the call and then spoken to someone. My mum wanted me to go to hers but as it was late I didn't want to take ds out in the cold and as she is babysitting my niece she couldn't come to us.

betterthanever Sat 14-Sep-13 23:29:29

OP I felt like that about social services - not that I had ANY reason to from my parenting point of view but I think it was because you usually only hear about them involving themselves as a child is at risk - they can also get help the other way round - they were great, they will not judge you, they will tell you, you have done the right thing. It made me feel better when they put that in writting to me.
Glad you have your mum for support and she knows what is going on - she is only a phone call away- keep the phone near the bed for comfort. I think I slept with mine and still do sometimes under my chin smile
I think you are right, you have tried to keep things as peaceful as possible but it hasn't work, that isn't your fault - no one likes authorities involved in thier lives - but sometimes we need thier help as only they can really stop what someone is doing.

YoniBottsBumgina Sat 14-Sep-13 23:36:42

Oh good. I am so relieved to hear they have been so supportive and helpful. I hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

If you think of SS in terms of protecting your DS from your ex rather than them being there to judge you - I know you do hear horror stories but really I strongly suspect that in these cases you don't get the full story. (i bet your ex, for example, is going around telling everyone what a great father he is, and we all know how true THAT is!)

Social services really don't want to separate children from capable loving parents, because being in the care system and separating children from their birth families is very damaging to a child in itself. They will only even start to consider this if they feel that the harm from staying is so much greater sad There is no question about you and your parenting, but they may be able to help you protect him from your ex and his abuse which can only be a good thing.

Wereonourway Sat 14-Sep-13 23:44:59

yoni your nickname has just given me my first giggle of the day so thank you.

My health visitor is lovely, she spent quite a bit of time with us as ds was a poorly preemie and she came to see us in march to ds ds's 2 yr check.

I spoke to her then about ex's lack of responsibility and touched upon nastiness(and probably downplayed it). She gave me a hug and told me I'd obviously done a good job with ds and(I quote!) " your love for him shines through as does his for you, he responds to you so well, you've done a fantastic job".

It made me cry but thinking back now in wondering if it would help to have a chat with her now.

I want what's best for ds. I'd live for us to get on, to be respectful of each other- even if just at face value but it isn't going to happen. It's very sad.

I'm going to attempt some sleep.

Thank you for listening everyone, its really helped x

YoniBottsBumgina Sun 15-Sep-13 00:13:43

grin You're welcome!

I would speak to HV yes, but be a bit prepared for her to totally misunderstand and say "Oh but it's nice for him to see his dad" - mine was great and very supportive but seemed to purposefully misunderstand when it came to contact concerns. I don't know why confused perhaps she wanted to be neutral, perhaps she thought I was a bit deranged, perhaps she just really, really didn't understand the mechanics of EA, but she actively encouraged me to drop my concerns about him which later turned out to be valid.

Basically yes get everyone on board. But if they are not supporting you then feel free to ignore them on this issue in particular.

Hissy Sun 15-Sep-13 00:40:20

You are doing fine love, please keep the phone with you?

I don't want to alarm you, but are you as safe as you can be, do all your fire alarms work etc?

Your DS is 2, so by all means contact the HV, contact everyone and don't let this drop.

This man is an ex. If you wnated to be out a couple of nights a week with a babysitter to look after him, that would be OK, you know that, right?

Your life is none of your ex's business!

This is your life and you are doing what you want from now on. I get that you don't want to go out, I didn't go out until my DS was over 5 yo, but many do.

This man is breaking the law. he has no right to do any of this.

Wereonourway Sun 15-Sep-13 10:36:46

Thanks all, crap nights sleep but handover was ok. Just had call from a wpc who has taken more info and will be coming out tomorrow to see me.

She has allotted 2 hours tomorrow night to take statements and have a chat about what my options are.

She was lovely too, really understanding and reassured me.

She did say she could go straight round to see ex tomorrow night but he will have ds so I'd rather that didn't happen but will see what they advise.

I'm actually relieved I've started the ball rolling and feel better knowing how seriously they are taking things.

Thank you everyone x

topicsactiveimon Sun 15-Sep-13 13:58:38

Great news, OP! With any luck he'll pack in the stalking after a visit from the police. And the police will know what's up if you need to ring again.

SPBisResisting Sun 15-Sep-13 14:10:27

Well done OP, yu sound like a fantastic mum
And I'd echo what the others said - if you wanted to leave DS with a babysitter and go out shagging every now and again, that would be fine! ANd none of your ex's business

Wereonourway Sun 15-Sep-13 15:27:02

Haha, thanks for all of the shagging encouragement!

Am sure wanting to get out and about will come, and don't get me wrong I do occasionally go out with friends, maybe once a month for a meal or a glass of wine.

And honestly at the minute that's fine for me. Living with ex was shit(I tried to pick a better word) and being alone with ds is fabulous.

Ds is a little star, has come from being a tiny bruised preemie to a lovely bright little boy and I'm very lucky to have him.

I'll update after police have been tomorrow

betterthanever Sun 15-Sep-13 17:45:00

Glad to see a positive update OP - I know there is still a long way to go and you will be feeling unnerved by it all but things are going in the right direction for you. I know just what you mean about being alone with DS and it being fabulous.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now