Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I've joined the merry throng

(207 Posts)
Clichecliche Sat 14-Sep-13 00:05:40

It's complicated. But also very simple. DH has been unfaithful. Still an ongoing EA but now I've discovered it
I've NC. We have 3 kids
Bloody hell

familyscapegoat Thu 19-Sep-13 13:13:11

There are huge similarities in the way that I reacted after discovering my husband's affair. As someone said, I look back now with amazement at my responses but I've learned that shock is the most peculiar state of mind. My gut instinct was that this was survivable, but the adrenaline surge took me by surprise and was actually not unpleasant. All of my senses felt on high alert and during the hysterical bonding phase, it even occurred to me that this was what an affair must feel like.

But like an affair, this phase is not 'real'.

The really difficult stuff comes afterwards when the shock and adrenaline have worn off, so I'm hoping you'll see this as a kindness to pre-warn you about some things.

I'd also say that unless you've felt this way yourself, or have been through it, it's just impossible to say how you'd react. My own reaction shocked me too.

We learned so much from our individual counselling and from reading more or less everything there was to read at the time (was years ago, incidentally.) So I'll share with you that it's really common for the person who's the 'under-responsible' part of the couple to have an affair.

From what you're saying, your circumstances were different to mine, but there are some similarities in that my husband had let me take on too much responsibility for our joint lives and we'd got into a pattern of me being the one who seemed to have the greatest burden for keeping the show on the road, despite having a busy and demanding career.

You're right to look at your own behaviour but I promise you, this is too soon and I'd also judge that you're coming to the wrong conclusions about it. If you're partnered with someone who is either unable or unwilling to be an equal partner, unless you want your children to lose out or your own life to become chaotic and disorganised, you have no choice other than to fill the breach. It's hard not to feel resentful of that, but the answer is not to stop doing things or to somehow stop feeling resentful.

The answer should have been for him to take responsibility for his own health and his efforts to be an equal partner.

Instead of doing that, it's my hunch that rather than face up to those responsibilities, he secretly punished you for your competence and your justifiable resentment, by having an affair with someone who had no requirement for him to be grown up and responsible. All he was required to do was to be adoring and sexual and the same went for her.

As long as this thread is useful to you, it can be a very good thing to write down your feelings. I guarantee one day you'll look back and won't recognise yourself though. So don't make any irrevocable decisions and definitely don't decide that this marriage will work and you will forgive. It's a long haul and you can't know that yet.

MadAboutHotChoc Thu 19-Sep-13 13:32:30

Cliche, no its not wrong, but you need to look after yourself first. Once you feel stronger and have processed all your thoughts and emotions, you will be in a much better position to make long term decisions.

My quote about being responsible for one own's happiness was actually targeted at you - the past few years has been very much about him and the balance needs to be addressed.

Wellwobbly Thu 19-Sep-13 13:48:29

Cliche I hope I have not attacked you?

There are stages to this: shock and numbness, a very strange 'high', and also what you are showing, a tremendous need to find answers in which you are involved and responsible and had your part to play. If you had a part to play, it can then be fixed by you!

You have to go through all the phases, and sadly Cliche you are only at the start of the rollercoaster...

Don't worry, we will be with you. We have been on this horrible ride.

elizadofuckall Thu 19-Sep-13 14:45:29

Its cant be wrong cliche. You want what you want and none of us can tell you any different. Its just that when you are listening/reading to this from the outside, some things are jumping out.

I realise that you have no trust in the services but you should try them again as acute is very different from the other mental health services.

ownbrand Thu 19-Sep-13 15:46:52

A person who has recently discovered infidelity is often in a state of shock, similar to a bereaved person. There is no right or wrong way to react . Sheer adrenilin gets people through the initial days . Not something id like to experience again , ever.

tallwivglasses Fri 20-Sep-13 12:07:12

You did your absolute best and who's to say that if you'd done things any different there'd have been no affair and a happier marriage? You've done what so many women do - held it all together, been strong for everyone and been generally pretty damn amazing. Don't forget that x

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 19:02:54

*If someone I knew, who at been in my house, accepted my hospitality, pretended to be my friend then fucked my partner... my God I would want to bloody KILL them...

This happened to me.. She lives 200 yds away. We are in a tiny village and our DD's are in the same class. It hurts me daily and I'm still not sure how to deal with it. - Lost, what an absolutely hideous story.

So sorry. Are you OK?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now