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Support for those in Emotionally Abusive relationships: thread 26

(1000 Posts)
CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 13-Sep-13 20:55:15

Am I being abused?

Verbal Abuse A wonderfully non-hysterical summary. If you're unsure, read the whole page and see if you're on it.
Emotional abuse from the same site as above
Emotional abuse a more heartfelt description
A check list Use this site for some concise diagnostic lists and support
Signs of Abuse & Control Useful check list
Why financial abuse is domestic violence Are you a free ride for a cocklodger, or supposed to act grateful for every penny you get for running the home?
Women's Aid: "What is Domestic Violence?" This is also, broadly, the Police definition.
Warning signs you’re dating a loser Exactly what it says on the tin

Books :

"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft - The eye-opener. Read this if you read nothing else.
"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans He wants power OVER you and gets angry when you prove not to be the dream woman who lives only in his head.
"The Verbally Abusive Man, Can He Change?" by Patricia Evans Answer: Perhaps - ONLY IF he recognises HIS issues, and if you can be arsed to work through it. She gives explicit guidelines.
"Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward. The author is a psychotherapist who realised her own marriage was abusive, so she's invested in helping you understand yourself just as much as helping you understand your abusive partner.
"The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing" by Beverley Engels The principle is sound, if your partner isn't basically an arse, or disordered.
"Codependent No More : How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself" by Melody Beattie If you’re a rescuer, you're a co-dependent. It's a form of addiction! This book will help you.
But whatever you do, don't blame yourself for being co-dependent!

Websites :

So, you're in love with a narcissist - Snarky, witty, angry, but also highly intelligent: very good for catharsis
Dr Irene's verbal abuse site - motherly advice to readers' write-ins from a caring psychotherapist; can be a pain to navigate but very validating stuff
Out of the fog - and now for the science bit! Clinical, dispassionate, and very informative website on the various forms of personality disorders and how they impact on family and intimate relationships.
Get your angries out - You may not realise it yet, but you ARE angry. Find out in what unhealthy ways your anger is expressing itself. It has probably led you to staying in an unhealthy relationship.
Melanie Tonia Evans is a woman who turned her recovery from abuse into a business. A little bit "woo" and product placement-tastic, but does contain a lot of useful articles.
Love fraud - another site by one woman burned by an abusive marriage
You are not crazy - one woman's experience. She actually has recordings of her and her abusive partner having an argument, so you can hear what verbal abuse sounds like. A pain to navigate, but well worth it.
Baggage reclaim - Part advice column, part blog on the many forms of shitty relationships.
Heart to heart - a wealth of information and personal experiences drawn together in one place

What couples therapy does for abusers

If you find that he really wants to change
Should I Stay or Should I Go bonus materials This is a site containing material for men who want to change - please don’t give him the link - print out the content for him to work through.

The Bill of Rights
What you should expect as a starting point for your treatment in a relationship, as you will of course be treating others!!

ninilegsintheair Fri 13-Sep-13 20:58:44

Thanks Charlotte. Couldnt open the topic myself as on my phone.

brew or wine to us all, the FW's seem to be out in force for most of us right now!

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 13-Sep-13 21:00:05

Welcome to a new thread, lovely posters and anonymous lurkers alike.

Sorry to have been a bit absent. I'm fine, just preoccupied. Normal "large single-parent family" stuff!

Finalising house details today, which involved paying a scarily large sum of money. Not used to doing this stuff myself... but kind of enjoying the challenges, for the most part.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 13-Sep-13 21:01:30

Ooh, that was quick finding and posting, nini! grin <chinks brew> Wishing you strength with the FWery you're dealing with.

ponygirlcurtis Fri 13-Sep-13 21:02:59

Cheers Charlotte brew - lovely to hear about your new challenges, and you embracing them so much, despite scariness. It's goooood! Thanks for the new thread. flowers

Trigglesx Fri 13-Sep-13 21:04:22

Just popping in to say hope everyone is okay. Having a bit of an emotional evening - I think it's just general stress overload as I have far too many things going on right now.

I've been putting off ringing the counselling, but I am making myself do it Monday. Just need somewhere to talk it all out safely and where it will be confidential IYSWIM.

ninilegsintheair Fri 13-Sep-13 21:04:59

Sorry Charlotte, I was waiting with bated breath! grin

You sound so much more relaxed, and great news on the house! Go you! smile thanks

ninilegsintheair Fri 13-Sep-13 21:06:59

Thats a good idea triggles, hopefully the counseling can help figure things out a bit and relieve some of the pressure. Hope you're ok thanks

Trigglesx Fri 13-Sep-13 21:09:21

Charlotte yay for the house! smile

nini I think so. I feel sometimes like my brain has a bottleneck going on and needs to relieve some pressure. I wonder sometimes if it's the stress of just pretending it all didn't happen so much in order to keep things civil.

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 13-Sep-13 21:44:13

Just been reading a bit of the end of the last thread... and Hanbury, the mindgames you were describing reminded me of a teatowel that I was given by FW's grandmother on our wedding day. I've always felt uncomfortable about it and recently I've decided I hate it; it's vile. Most people FW's shown it to laugh at it, but to me, if "woman" was replaced by "FW" and "man" was replaced by "victim"/"survivor" (delete as applicable, according to current mood), it'd be chillingly accurate.

And then it's not really a joke, is it?

CharlotteCollinsismovingon Fri 13-Sep-13 21:54:06

Just realised the effect of those mindgames on me has been that I expect people to think badly of me for any and every reason. I now second-guess everybody's reaction to everything I say or don't say. And expect them to misinterpret me and take offence.

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 13-Sep-13 21:59:16

charlotte I am sure he finds it funny because the thought of a mere woman being n charge is hysterical and also in his head because you maybe made one rule once you are a domineering harridan. hmm and of course he can never work out what on earth you are upset about- him obviously! my FW thought I was a control freak mind you I do have a thing about teaspoons and jam

thanks for the new thread. and glad you are making moves on your move.

nini are you feeling a bit better?

right I really should do some work stop drinking ginger beer hic

Dearjackie Fri 13-Sep-13 22:53:36

Hi waves to everyone

Just got in from my date. It was ok but don't think we'll see each other again. He talked about himself all night and got on my nerves in the end didn't really ask about me. So chalk that up to experience. Problem is its made me start thinking maybe FW wasn't so bad as at least he go on about drinking exploits, not that he had any cos he didn't drink. sad

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 13-Sep-13 23:21:29

jackie there are more than two fish in the sea smile baby steps.

Dearjackie Fri 13-Sep-13 23:24:06

You're right mink it's just cos its the first time and I'm not used to dating. I will leave it for a while longer I think

MrsMinkBernardLundy Fri 13-Sep-13 23:36:03

but the good thing is you have got the first step out of the way. smile

Dearjackie Fri 13-Sep-13 23:39:18

He was quite attractive physically though and I did worry I might find it difficult to think of someone else in that way. At least I know I can find someone apart from FW sexy

LemonDrizzled Fri 13-Sep-13 23:48:34

Breath bated here too Nini but mine is because I am so close to finalizing my divorce and selling the FMH privately... It is nearly over.... <<crosses everything>>

LemonDrizzled Sat 14-Sep-13 00:00:33

Well done Jackie for getting back on the horse <ahem>
Just see this dating lark as practising spotting red flags so you don't end up with another FW! And having a laugh of course

thatsnotmynamereally Sat 14-Sep-13 08:08:48

Thank you Charlotte for the new thread. Interesting teatowel, this is uncomfortable reading! and FW finds it hilarious? Of course if you point out that it's not people will say that it's just a joke and meant to be funny (I get 'can't you take a joke?' a lot when I point out blatant misogyny).

But if you do a gender-swap on that teatowel it suddenly becomes not funny at all... and looks exactly like abuse. Weird!

Sad that the older generations find these things funny/acceptable but it's good to challenge these attitudes. I remember my grandfather, who was from the Deep South of America telling a joke one time in which he used the 'n' word-- my sister and I were shocked. And I couldn't imagine that happening today. Society/attitudes can change and gender stereotypes can and should be challenged-- people should treat each other as human beings! There, I've said my piece and I will get back to my housework grin.

Good luck Lemon, hope it all goes through.

Dearjackie Sat 14-Sep-13 08:19:59

That's a good way of seeing it lemon I was looking for red flags last night, isn't it weird how a relationship with a FW can change you. I never consciously looked for flags before. He has messaged me asking to meet up again, not sure I might give it one more go. I'm just so picky.

MatildaWhispers Sat 14-Sep-13 08:32:12

The pickiness (if that is even a word) is good though, it's developing your FW radar.

Great to hear about your house Charlotte.

<regular lurker but namechanged, I just wanted this shiny new thread on my thread list>

LemonDrizzled Sat 14-Sep-13 08:32:34

Jackie the truth is all of us here are just not picky enough or we wouldn't have tolerated FW. Due to family conditioning or people pleasing tendencies we think we are so lucky to have been chosen we ignore all the warnings and stay with people not fit to touch the hem of our garments. From now on you are raising the game. Anything less than first class treatment and out they go!
My first date post FW was a monster but I saw him off thanks to MN

Dearjackie Sat 14-Sep-13 08:43:44

Why was he a monster? I think I still have a lot to learn

MrsMinkBernardLundy Sat 14-Sep-13 12:00:27

We think we are so lucky to have been chosen

this exactly this

although i am reality, all the women on this thread are so lovely and caring in reality our (future) partners are the lucky ones. or so i shall be telling myself to make sure I don't sell myself short.
FW used to say all the time 'but what do I get out of this [rs]?' FW

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