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Do I miss him, or do I just miss the familiarity and company?

(48 Posts)
stopthebusiwanttogetoff Fri 13-Sep-13 20:22:29

Sorry, just getting typing therapy here I think, though any insight will be very much appreciated.

We split up a year ago, two young dcs, and the kids and i moved out in January. In May we sold the old family home which he had stayed in, and he moved into a local flat. In June we decided to try again and he moved in with us. And on the 1st Sept he moved out again.

The kids are happy and seem non pulsed - no crying or asking questions (other than can I take my book/toy/slippers etc), and have been sleeping at his two nights and mine five nights when we have been separated. No asking for either parent when away, they're used to seeing more of me than him anyway due to work/travel - having to cook for them etc is all new for him but he is coping really well.

I feel like we haven't given splitting up or trying again a proper attempt. We've just been in limbo, two mates raising kids with little attraction or communication, but friendship is there - eating and watching box sets together for example!

We were together for 17years, from when I was 18, and I have always wondered if I was only in it because I listened to everyone's opinion that I couldn't do better and was amazingly lucky to have such a catch. There was no passionate beginning, I was amazed someone like him wanted me, and while he was far from my type I was very flattered and we just played happy families from there on I think.

I don't know. I'm worried this indecision could mess up the dcs, though I'm also aware that they are better being from a broken me than in one. I want us all to be happy, and loved, and I want some headspace and time out to be on my own. Sorry, not sure what I'm getting at, I just wish I knew if we should keep trying to be together or not.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Fri 13-Sep-13 20:23:51

Broken home, and non plussed.

Pinkbutterfly31 Fri 13-Sep-13 22:37:35

I have a very similar story to yours. I was with my husband for 10 years since the age of 20, there was no massive spark of attraction but we got along well etc. we had two dcs together and he was/is a great Dad. As the years went on (cutting a VERY long story short) the attraction for me dwindled to nothing. Communication was always a big problem between us as he would always get very defensive.

I ummed & ahhed for months about whether having no physical attraction was a good enough reason to split - we got on well, had a laugh, he was a good provider/father etc etc. However, in the end I decided I didn't want to be married to a 'friend', it wasn't enough.

Yes, I did miss him. I also agonised over whether it was him that I missed or the companionship. What always brought me back to reality was "could I rekindle our sexual relationship"? The answer was always no.

Fast forward to now and I have met a man that ticks all the boxes for me. It confirmed that I did the absolute right thing and I have never been happier.

It's very difficult to justify seperating when things aren't awful...but you just know in your heart it isn't right. Incidentally, my kids never blinked an eye when we separated either, but similarly to you, they were used to not seeing Daddy in the week anyway.

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 08:24:52

Don't look for problems that aren't there. Your kids are doing fine.

Be kinder to yourself. If you were with him from so young you will need to work out how to be on your own. Your reasons for splitting up are good, IMHO you just need to make a final push to find out who you are. It is really great that you are making things so stable for the kids.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Sat 14-Sep-13 10:32:30

Thanks both for your kind and sympathetic responses. Pinkbutterfly that's lovely to hear that yours was the right choice! Offred, that is what I want to know! Who I am and what I what, and my place in the world. I don't want to grow old with a million regrets and what ifs! Am working, studying and mum of two dcs, a bit of a gym freak (now that I suddenly have time), but am nothing else. I need interests and passion and enthusiasm!! I think...

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 11:20:16

You'll be alright I'm sure, it takes a while to find out who you are. Try some new things, say yes to opportunities, get a feel for what you enjoy. Sounds like you are on that road already though.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Sat 14-Sep-13 21:32:49

Thank you. I'm trying, but am struggling with his passive lack if acceptance that it is over. He wants us to try counselling (again) and go on dates (again), just like when we split last time, after which I caved and he moved in. Then it all went to shit again. Now it's over again, he's back to caring. I know it is confusing for us both and I feel horrid, but I have believed for 17years that we had to be together, and now I finally believe I can be free. And it is hard to believe that when dh clearly doesn't.

Offred Sun 15-Sep-13 01:13:02

I entirely understand and can personally relate. My marriage is coming up to 5 years and I have told dh it is over after years of him not listening to me. He is saying all the time that he likes to think we can fix it, so still not listening...

Very hard but you have to stick with and keep reiterating your decision I think.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Tue 17-Sep-13 22:36:34

Thanks Offred, it is horrible having to be so stubborn about something I don't actually feel confident in. Particularly after reading all the warning son here! I feel like I should be able to conjur up the feelings and MAKE IT WORK. I wish I bloody could, but I really genuinely like being on my own right now. Sitting in, sorting out my house, working, being with my kids or my friends... I can't help it, I'm happier alone. Maybe that'll change but it's not fair having my DH wait in the wings to see if it will- shite for both of us to do that. I do appreciate your support and seeing your comments on other threads - I feel like I need approval and permission to leave, the world (in RL and most of what I read on MN) seems to want to me to stay married and make it bloody work.

Offred Tue 17-Sep-13 22:45:51

You're doing fine, you really are. It is really hard to go against the world, or feel like you are but rationally speaking you describe yourself as happy being alone and the kids are happy and stable. There's not too much wrong with that picture and being with your ex didn't create the same happiness so I'd say rationally you know you need to keep on the track you are on and screw everyone else!

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 18:26:19

He has the kids tonight and invited me to go and see them to say goodnight, as I haven't really been to his flat and he's been having them two nights a week for a month now. I just popped down, and have come home in floods of inexplicable tears.

They were htere playing with the £40of new playmobil he'd bought them for no reason, while the roast chicken cooked, and he had their room made up and their clothes out for morning. In the seventeen years we we together he must have cooked about ten times total, and I don't remember him ever buying them a toy or sorting their room/clothes etc. I knw it doesn't change anything and I am so happy for them to see them so content with him, so could someone tell me why I can stop crying?

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 18:30:05

Because, from what you posted, it is objectively very sad for you that he has only learned to do this stuff after you have already split up.

You correctly identified that it is not a reason to go back, it is also really nice for the dc but it IS sad for you. Let yourself cry!

TheSilverySoothsayer Thu 19-Sep-13 18:39:58

In the seventeen years we we together he must have cooked about ten times total, and I don't remember him ever buying them a toy or sorting their room/clothes etc. And now he is. Is this showing you what you wanted him to be like, but he wasn't, while you were together?

But maybe it couldn't be like that, while you were? I function much better living on my own, perhaps you both do?

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 18:42:48

Are you going to do something nice to indulge yourself a bit? That's what I'd recommend. Break ups are always emotionally difficult even if you are very clear in your thinking you often get blindsided by unexpected feelings.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 18:57:47

Yeah I don't think we bring out the best in each other, he is very passive and I used to find that incredibly frustrating - to the extent that I probably ended up being controlling because if I didn't do "everything" it was more hassle and I had to ask for Eli, which I didn't feel I needed nor should have had to ask for but would have liked iykwim. I felt like I could have been merrily replaced with a nanny/cleaner and no one would have noticed.

Self indulgent crap, sorry, am just feeling totally shit. There is way too much water under the bridge, he does want to fix it, but we did try! We lived apart for six months, he tried hard, he moved in for three, and then it all went to shit again. There is no spark, we piss each other off (the passive thing which brings out the controlling me - the chicken or the egg probably), but I don't even know how to move on.

And no offred am just crying at mumsnet. Oh dear god.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 18:58:26

Eli being help? Autocorrect odd one.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 19:11:15

Do something nice even if it just ice cream or wine or both and some shit on the tv.

My h is very passive like that. He also made me the boss of everything including the break up. It is burdensome and wearing but it is confirming to me that it is the right thing because I want a partner not an employee.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 19:16:43

I think it is just the reality hitting, he wants me back and I may well not find anyone else who is good and kind and wants me, and he is their dad and a good provider etc. I just wish it was better when we were together, but it it isn't, and we have tried and I wish it wasn't as you describe it but it is. And I am fucking tired and sad now.

How are you managing your situation?

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 20:07:46

Yes, I am also tired and sad but we only split on Monday so a long road ahead. I think sticking to the decision is best, like you and just pushing through the emotional rollercoaster.

I have mostly been eating ice cream and watching shit on the tv... And smoking :/

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 20:10:39

But my friend has a brilliant saying; "It'll be fine and if it's not fine it'll still be fine" never fails to make me smile.

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 20:35:30

I have my shisha pen so can feel mildly pleased that I am not smoking countable fags, just one never ending one.

God, Monday. That was recent. Saying that, the 1st Sept feels ages ago now, but I guess our split h dragged on so long now I'm a bit confused about where it began.

Good luck, and feel free to offload anytime. I wish I had a crystal ball.

Offred Thu 19-Sep-13 22:39:53

I have tried one of those and am a bit scared!

My friends have been really good too.

I'm finding it helpful to take them up on offers of tea and sympathy!

stopthebusiwanttogetoff Thu 19-Sep-13 23:04:02

I'm going more recluse tbh, don't really want to talk abut it all and slightly scad of people asking. I don't mind people who know, because that saves explaining, but there are so many people who don't know and I'm just not ready to broadcast, because I am so easily swayed by people's opinions.

You sound so level headed! I feel anything but!

Offred Fri 20-Sep-13 07:14:22

I feel anything but too tbh!

I have the same feelings. I feel scared of people knowing, I feel scared of talking to them about it but I've found when I have it has helped me feel better. But then I am not easily swayed by people's opinions at all! Perhaps the trick is to selectively tell people who will give you the support you want?

TheSilverySoothsayer Fri 20-Sep-13 08:44:32

He does sound a bit like mine - I wanted a life partner, but didn't get one. Passive was a good description. I won't bore you with it all, suffice to say a long marriage, 2 DCs now grown, much trying to fix things by me, no change from him, divorce all done by my initiative though we both agreed we wanted to split.

You may well have had a lucky escape sad It will get better. But it's the proverbial roller coaster first.

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