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Weird flirting situation, feel hypnotised by it

(75 Posts)
InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 17:13:24

NC sorry, embarrassed by this.

I made a complaint and went through to the wrong person (I’m a client). I was really outraged from Tunbridge Wells at the time, but we strangely bonded and I'm finding it really difficult. He’s one of those people who are soothing and mesmeric.

Over time it turned flirtatious and he persuaded me to see him, and said that he would waive the fee. The meeting was fine although I got stressed as I couldn’t focus and left abruptly. I think the genuine things he did which might make me think that he likes me were that he did get upset when I said I was leaning on him too much, but he said he wanted me to, and I could; he then asked me what I was doing next and I said I was seeing friends and he said ‘oh, I see’ in a disappointed voice, he followed me when I left and called after me and asked when he would hear from me again, I turned around and for a few seconds he either looked angry or upset.

A while after the meeting I phoned him and asked if I should see him again. He said it was up to me and sounded much more neutral than before. We agreed to meet up but I didn't go.

We’re both single, we have talked about personal matters, because sometimes I let my guard down and can’t help it, but I never let it progress beyond a few sentences and try to become brisk again. I feel angry about the complaint and get tetchy about progressing it because it’s got a bit muddled.

So, as I see it:
-We’re both attracted to each other, but perhaps only on a basic level on his side – he might revel in the attention
-I want a resolution to the complaint (it’s a fairly minor one but I feel strongly about it) but can't detach now, it's so frustrating
-I could theoretically try to be a bit more charming and get him to do what I want (he’s already said he will but I feel like that would be unethical – and I’m not charming!)
-He could be manipulating me to stop my complaint
-Or am I manipulating him?
-I can’t tell him I like him because I would find that mortifying

Head’s in a spin.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:36:46

Ginger it's been over a year. Something bad happened, which I get nervous enough about talking about already, dealt with by third party which is complaint. Not hugely serious but important to me.

Wasn't expecting to develop a strange relationship with the man i spoke to.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:39:36

Chub, honestly!!! I might be barking but I think it's just a bit vague and this whole thing sounds dafter than it is because I feel touchy about details.

Someone asked previously but I'm happy being single, not exactly looking, though I think I'd like to meet someone at some point.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 18:40:58

Is the complaint of a medical nature?

Could he get into trouble for forming a personal relationship with you?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:46:12

it's legal, I really want to get it out of the way now. Yes wouldn't reflect well on him, and he would be cautious, we've chatted a bit about background.

Please can I ask about trying to zone out personal feelings and be good at complaints? I'm finding this stressful and it's been going on for so long.

NorfolkIngWay Fri 13-Sep-13 18:47:29

So you went to him to complain formally a year ago and his response has been to flirt with you shock
It sounds like you are being manipulated.
Avoid him - send the complaint to his manager and do not have contact with him again.

AnyFucker Fri 13-Sep-13 18:51:14

Are you the same poster that had a bizarre non relationship with a bloke in Australia

And the one before that

And the one before that

Ad nauseum

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 18:55:32

no, I can honestly say that I've never had a bizarre (or normal) relationship (or non relationship) with anyone from Australia.

most posts on here follow a pattern: e.g. cheating, flirtation, husband leaving etc etc. I don't like talking directly about mine as it's so identifying but it's just a slightly complicated flirting situation.

I think I would like to hear about how to deal with complaints dispassionately now or else I'll cry!

Wellwobbly Fri 13-Sep-13 19:07:31

Thanks, Lurking.

Jaded and Katie the 'clue' is in the mesmerising. This is not normal. What narcissists do is give you full beam of how special you are and how wonderful everything will be in their amazing world. That then moves on to being quire exploitative, but that comes later....

So in a way the enticing into a super amazing life of their full beam attention is quite mesmerising.

Think about it. If they showed how selfish they were from the outset, they wouldn't get anywhere. So they hide it behind compelling charm.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 19:11:19

Do you HAVE to have contact with him in order to pursue the complaint? I'm assuming not as you said he wasn't the right person to complain to in the first place.

You have two issues and you can't really deal with them concurrently.

Deal with the complaint & get it out of the way without any contact with him.

Then when it's done, ask him out.

No one can really advise on how you deal with handling the complaint without some idea of what it's about, tbh.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:13:56

Thanks Wellwobbs that's interesting; I do find him completely compelling but thought that was just me. He also tried to tell me that I shouldn't be 'embarrassed or ashamed' (his words) about talking about anything though which i reacted quite angrily to and asked him why I should feel like that anyway?

I really don't think that he's a narcissist though, perhaps just a lot more socially manipulative/skilled or whatever you see it as than the next person. i just get cross at a lot of things.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:16:45

Alanna, no you're quite right; I think I was just surprised to suddenly stumble across someone who gave me their undivided attention at a time when I was really upset. And I hate to say this but i think he might actually do more for me than the person who should really do it. Not illegal but unethical, for sure.

HavantGuard Fri 13-Sep-13 19:20:17

Close your eyes. Visualise him. Now visualise his pants on top of the laundry basket with massive skid marks.

It's a good exercise to banish butterflies and bring you back to reality.

Llareggub Fri 13-Sep-13 19:20:41

Sorry, without more details I don't think you'll get an answer here. Has this happened in a work or personal capacity?

lurkinglorna Fri 13-Sep-13 19:22:09

I'm getting more and more convinced this guy is a creep...

Also I'm guessing here...but if this is a legal issue, is he a solicitor senior to the actual designated complaints handler? Ask him to pass it back to them and let them deal with it.

If he refuses....then its
these or these you need.

runningforthebusinheels Fri 13-Sep-13 19:27:05

Is anyone else aware of your complaint, or dealing with it, OP? Or has it just 'stopped' at him?

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:40:41

havantGuard never actually seen's not the huge deterrent for me that it might be for other people. He's pretty methodical anyway and would probably be the last person!

Llareggub personal, I guess, in professional capacity

Running I wondered that...I'm not sure. I think it might have stopped at him but I don't know.

I really will try to look into complaining and try to do this though (even if, scary thought, through someone else)

WayHarshTai Fri 13-Sep-13 19:44:11

OH god is it Janny man's boss?

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 19:50:36

OH god is it Janny man's boss?

Exactly what I was thinking.

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 19:53:33

Who is Janny man...?

This is very much:

OP tries to write obtuse post/
EE (everyone else): you are mad!!/
OP: yes it's slightly weird but blah blah blah (defensively)/
EE: shut up, give details, justify/
OP: I'm getting nervous, please tell me how to deal with this in a detached manner/
EE: NO, give details/

I have a complaint phobia, this is very, very difficult for me, trying to complain then running slap bang into the first flirtatious phone call I have ever had. I'll sort it out, promise.

MsApprehension Fri 13-Sep-13 20:02:49

Curiouser and curiouser. Sorry OP, hope you get stuff sorted out but I'm none the wiser.

MsApprehension Fri 13-Sep-13 20:04:33

One suggestion: Communicate only in writing.

AlannaPartridge Fri 13-Sep-13 20:06:01

Your complaint should be written & formal. Include in it what your expectations are for a resolution and that if they are not me you'll do x,y,z as your next step.

You don't have to talk in person to anyone, flirtatious or otherwise, and can demand everything in writing. If you need help with wording then I'm sure someone on here will help.

Your post is weird because it's morphed into something else.

JohnnyUtah Fri 13-Sep-13 20:09:33

How very odd

InaneNameChange Fri 13-Sep-13 20:11:51

Alanna, do you honestly mean that my post has morphed into something else? E.g. what I said? I really DO find it very embarrassing that I find him so hypnotic. I find his voice is, but I get confused when we start a call and then talk about personal things. He did tell me he is single. I didn't ask him that. Then I wonder if I'm reading too much into that and he wasn't saying that because he is flirting?

keeping everything in writing is a really good idea.

Twinklestein Fri 13-Sep-13 20:15:58

Irrespective of how odd the story is, I can't really tell without the details.
It is very odd that this guy persuaded you to meet up with him.

But it sounds like he's not really interested now, so if you are having a problem dealing with him, I'd see if you could transfer the case to someone else.

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