Weird flirting situation, feel hypnotised by it

[InaneNameChange]

NC sorry, embarrassed by this.

I made a complaint and went through to the wrong person (I’m a client). I was really outraged from Tunbridge Wells at the time, but we strangely bonded and I'm finding it really difficult. He’s one of those people who are soothing and mesmeric.

Over time it turned flirtatious and he persuaded me to see him, and said that he would waive the fee. The meeting was fine although I got stressed as I couldn’t focus and left abruptly. I think the genuine things he did which might make me think that he likes me were that he did get upset when I said I was leaning on him too much, but he said he wanted me to, and I could; he then asked me what I was doing next and I said I was seeing friends and he said ‘oh, I see’ in a disappointed voice, he followed me when I left and called after me and asked when he would hear from me again, I turned around and for a few seconds he either looked angry or upset.

A while after the meeting I phoned him and asked if I should see him again. He said it was up to me and sounded much more neutral than before. We agreed to meet up but I didn't go.

We’re both single, we have talked about personal matters, because sometimes I let my guard down and can’t help it, but I never let it progress beyond a few sentences and try to become brisk again. I feel angry about the complaint and get tetchy about progressing it because it’s got a bit muddled.

So, as I see it:

• We’re both attracted to each other, but perhaps only on a basic level on his side – he might revel in the attention
  
• I want a resolution to the complaint (it’s a fairly minor one but I feel strongly about it) but can't detach now, it's so frustrating
  
• I could theoretically try to be a bit more charming and get him to do what I want (he’s already said he will but I feel like that would be unethical – and I’m not charming!)
  
• He could be manipulating me to stop my complaint
  
• Or am I manipulating him?
  
• I can’t tell him I like him because I would find that mortifying
  
  Head’s in a spin.

[Nagoo]

How long until the complaint is resolved? He already said that he'll sort it out.

You sound like the most intense person in the world.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

I'm really sorry, but I don't understand any of that.

[Hassled]

If it's going to happen, it will happen. You really are over-analysing this, and that could well come across as a bit mad/intense from his POV. Don't scare him off.

See the complaint thing through, and then just see what develops. Sounds like the ball is in his court.

[InaneNameChange]

Nagoo, he said he'll sort it out when I state what I want but I'm not sure if this is ethical. I'm rubbish at flirting, complaining, and dither on ethical issues so it's like my worst nightmare with having them combined! I'm not usually so intense.

Katy summary is i tried to make a complaint, got far too attached to the person I complained to (which wasn't the right person in the first place) and now don't know how to resolve complaint because I'd have to see him again if I try to and don't know if I'm imagining the flirting.

[Gruntfuttock]

Just be business-like and get your complaint resolved. I admit I'm having difficulty with the concept of getting attached to a person to whom you're making a complaint. It all sounds quite bizarre to me and not at all straightforward and professional.

Sorry for my lack of imagination in getting my head round your dilemma.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I think you're reading WAY too much into this. Get your complaint resolved and stop romanticising.

[Crunchymunchyhoneycakes]

My gut instinct is that this is entirely in your head.

[booboobeedoo]

Can you explain the leaning thing, thats really confused me.
Thanks

[InaneNameChange]

Thanks - I do need to get the complaint resolved as I hate it hanging over my head. I'm really not imagining it entirely as he spent a few months convincing me to see him and things that he said - it could be because it's an ego boost, though, rather than anything else.

I need to detach and get it out of the way!

[fenellafudgetunnel]

You sound a bit barking tbh.

Deal with the complaint politely and then if after that you still fancy him, ask him out - he can only say no.

[InaneNameChange]

booboo...leaning...when we met he asked me to contact him again and I said something along the lines that we had been in contact too much and it was leaning on him (taking up his time and it's not really his area) but then he got cross and said no, he wanted me to.

[lurkinglorna]

OP:

I'd resolve the complaint, make sure its done and dusted. stay businesslike all through this process. So that's out of the way.

then you can see if there's anything more. I do think there might be "something there" as in he could be flirting.

there's a difference between casual workplace flirting and "genuinely attracted to you"?

But you can only work this out after the complaint is resolved? If its resolved and you want to investigate the flirting side further, maybe drop him a Text message/e-mail saying "thanks for your help, do feel free to drop me a line if you ever fancy a coffee/drink." Then forget about it as you can do no more.

[Wellwobbly]

I believe you, OP.

You are in the spell of a narcissist. They are overwhelmingly attractive at the beginning.

Give yourself a shake, wake up and get the hell out of there.

if you don't believe me, you WILL lose your Self.

[InaneNameChange]

Sorry, it would be a lot clearer if I could state it but it's so identifying. I know it appears a bit muddled.

It wouldn't be right to start something, because of our respective situations. I do feel that he's interested in me because we had a slightly sexual call previously. I don't know if he actually likes me or if he's just getting some sort of kick out of it but it IS interfering with me getting the complaint resolution done and it's been going on for far too long now.

I need a slap around the head with a wet kipper to try to forget about it and get on with the complaint anyway so thanks!

[SlightlyJaded]

*WellWobbly" that's a bit of a leap??

I have read some really sensible advice from you on other threads but am surprised that you can make such an assumption from so little slightly mad sounding information?

[InaneNameChange]

Hey, stop calling me mad!! I have got REALLY muddled by the situation but I do genuinely want to resolve the complaint at least!

[Gingerandcocoa]

you said you had been in touch for a few months?!?!

what kind of complaint is this!??!

where I work, if we get a customer complaint one of the key things is to ask the client what outcome they expect from the complaint - maybe that's what he means when he asks you to tell him what you want and he will resolve the complaint?

[Gruntfuttock]

He's probably bemused that you don't just get on with it and resolve the complaint with him. He must wonder what on earth's going on if it's been months.

[lurkinglorna]

I can see "Wellwobblys" point...

I think there are a few people who actually "use" their position to target women in vulnerable situations, use the drama and emotions and the fact that there's some tension in the interaction to "get" women.

I was targeted by a copper I met when I was a teenager (we'd met in the course of his work). Can see he was a weirdo now but at the time would probably have written something like the OP!

I was instigating some contact - had his personal number etc - but the "ethical" thing for him to do would have been to think "trouble" and tell me to get some friends my own age!

OP, just out of interest, how have your interactions with men "generally" been? I mean I'm technically single now but not "lonely" if that makes sense? Are you lonely?

Also, I'm not sure, did the "flirtatious sexy" conversation occur before or after you met in person?

[Chubfuddler]

I genuinely cannot tell if the op is barking or this bloke is.

Whst is the context of the complaint? Is it about him in a professional capacity? If so his behaviour is outrageous. If he's just in customer services and has decided to hit on you well, I don't approve but worse happens.

[SlightlyJaded]

Sorry "inane* - I did not mean to be rude but it does sound very confusing

[ricecakesrule]

Can't you go to the person that would have been the right person to complain to? That way you can get the complaint resolved at least? I think you need to separate the 2 things. If he's still interested in seeing you once he's no longer dealing with the complaint then you know it's not about that iyswim.

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Where's the narcissism ?

[KatyTheCleaningLady]

Where's the narcissism ?

[InaneNameChange]

Ginger it's been over a year. Something bad happened, which I get nervous enough about talking about already, dealt with by third party which is complaint. Not hugely serious but important to me.

Wasn't expecting to develop a strange relationship with the man i spoke to.