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I told her

(462 Posts)
Justwakingup Fri 13-Sep-13 16:49:21

I have told the wife of the MM I had an affair with.

I am feeling a tremendous amount of guilt, because I know how much she is hurting. I think I wish I hadnt, but I feel that she has a right to know.

I knew it would never make me feel good to tell her, but I dont know what to do now, I wont contact her again, I just wish I hadnt hurt her, I deeply regret the affair and I need to move on, but I feel like I have caused a huge explosion and I feel so terrible about it, I dont know how to make things better..

merlincat Thu 19-Sep-13 18:13:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bedtime1 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:16:19

I get that you are sad over this man you loved etc eg can't eat, sleep! In some ways you might be the injured party of this awful man but I don't get why you would be so mean to the wife who will be suffering more than any of you. It's just in bad taste to tell her when you are one of the women he has been having an affair with. I agree she should be told but you were the wrong person to tell her! That's rubbing it in and you did say you only told her to revenge her husband which is plain cruel and only thinking of yourself .

practicality Thu 19-Sep-13 18:19:26

I was the 'wronged' wife over ten years ago. It took me a long time to get over it and to trust again as I had no idea(I was green, straight out of college and only had really great relationships up to that point). The other woman knew me and that I was pregnant with my second child. It all came out when my son was 5 months old ( I left and divorced him). I wouldn't wish it on anyone. However, it was my XH who had broken his vows and it was down to him that he chose this path, not her.

I don't hold with this bullshit that there are sirens who tempt good men away. The men who do this are opportunists- just not good men. Simple. Same for women who go down this route when married. Not always, but most of the time they're just selfish shits.

I can though understand the hurt the O.P. is going through and the fierce injustice she feels. It was still a very real relationship for her and she has obviously invested emotionally. It's the angry phase now. It will pass. Just don't act on the anger or it will consume you. Life has a way of catching up with those who are dishonest and hurtful- it is not a score for you to settle.

Bedtime1 Thu 19-Sep-13 18:33:16

Practicality - I like your post. It is not a score for you to settle good words. It's difficult when angry I'd want to settle it with him.!

mignonette Thu 19-Sep-13 19:51:59


I didn't let it make me cynical or untrusting either and went on to develop great happiness in a relationship w/ a man who I just know will not do this to me. I had time on my own to reflect and heal and feel this helped me create a better relationship this time. I knew what i wanted and i looked for kindness.

I wish you well and Practicality great post too.

FavoriteThings Thu 19-Sep-13 20:44:35

I know she feels that she has to reply. But you dont op. [hugs] In fact dont, only if you want to, and it helps you.

perfectstorm Thu 19-Sep-13 21:52:46

OP, please listen to Pagwatch. Namechange and start a thread for support, if you want it, that won't be so triggery for so many. This thread won't be good for you. Honestly I don't think anything that keeps the hamster wheel of this going for you will be.

As to those saying the NHS shouldn't offer help... erm, what? Is it really so hard to imagine that people making choices which hurt themselves and others may also be struggling with patterns of mind and perhaps actual illnesses that mean they are more likely to make those bad choices? She's not killed anyone. She's not even the main person to blame in this whole mess. I was fuming when I first read it as well, but cut her some slack. Everyone deserves NHS help when very low. There's not a moral test to be applied first - and frankly if there were, and it covered all our lives, I'm not sure how many would pass it.

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 06:01:54

I have never said anything to hurt OP. There is only one person I can control, and that is myself.

OP, I think like everyone else in this sorry awful mess you had absolutely NO idea how devastatingly hurtful affairs are.

You can only know it when you are in it. They are that sh*t.

When those fucktard lefty archbishops are bleating on about the NHS and welfare etc, and then wondering why they are getting increasingly irrelevant ...

dont' you think they should be talking to us about THIS stuff? This personal and spiritual growth stuff? I think as a culture we are getting dangerously self-indulgent and morally relativistic which as it always has, brings a lot of pain. Our teenagers are the most depressed in the world!

Justwakingup Fri 20-Sep-13 11:03:20

Whatever anyone may think, this thread has helped me.

I wont start another, one because I think it would be obvious that it is me, and two because this is what happened, I have to accept that and I cant get over something unless I own it in full.

Even the replies putting the boot in help me. I deserve everything that is said to me.

I am slowly starting to get my head around what has happened. I regret telling her and hope that she actually doesnt know. He is a twat of the highest order and I will feel sad for her for the rest of my life, knowing that I had a part in making her life shit. I hope that one day she leaves him and finds happiness with someone who will actually respect her and love her.

Despite what many may thing about me, I hope that I am a good person who did a bad thing (ok, a series of bad things)

'make decisions that make you proud'

I like that one. I like to think that my head is a little clearer now and that I will be able to do that.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to post on here, because I probably wouldnt have got through this week without you.

FavoriteThings Fri 20-Sep-13 11:18:06

Glad about all of the above.

Buzzardbird Fri 20-Sep-13 11:18:36

Of course you are suffering. Just because were the OW it doesn't mean your feelings are invalid. It will take you just as long to get over him as it would if you were not in an adulterous was still a 'relationship' to you.
You know you did wrong, you don't need to be told that and I am pretty sure you won't fall for this sort of twat again.
He was the one doing the dirty on his wife and I don't blame you for wanting some revenge, it is just a shame you gave in to those feelings. He deserves everything he gets, don't lose a second worrying about him ( I'm sure you do a little bit?)
Move on and try and forget about it, you can't do anything now. Try to broaden your horizons and meet some different people.
You are not a mass murderer ( as far as I know) people have affairs, it in not rare. It might have worked if he had been a good person, he wasn't.
I wish you happiness in the future.

Wellwobbly Fri 20-Sep-13 11:33:50

He is a disgusting human being, uses people and I hope he gets his comeuppance one day.

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