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Separation a mans view

(84 Posts)
herald Fri 13-Sep-13 16:21:35

Up until the last week in July I was happily married for 20 years with 2 children, I had just started a new job and things where rosy. Then after having sex with my wife she decided to tell me she had been having a 'fling' with a man from work, to say it was a shock is an understatement.
She asked me to forgive her for her 'silly little mistake' but I couldn't and she has moved out into her own place and we are sharing the child care.

She is know calling the affair an arrangement that they set up to have sex behind their partners back and she is not sure what but something must have been wrong with our marriage or she wouldn't have done it.

The feelings of the thought of my wife having sex with someone else is soul destroying, I just seem to be getting better with the whole thing and looking forward when she phoned me on Tuesday saying can you collect the kids because a man was accusing her of all sorts, when I said why she said he has been hassling me since we had drunken sex the week she moved out of our house, she seems shocked as to why I am disgusted at her behaviour because she says she is single now so what does it matter. She has gone from a loving wife to someone who doesn't seem interested in the kids, is always out drinking with her new friends and sleeping about all in 6 weeks.

I now feel back to square one with constant thoughts of her with this man, I understand that eventually I need to move on but cannot deal with the fact that already she is jumping into bed with anyone.
Or am I expecting to much?

RescueCack Fri 13-Sep-13 16:26:35

That sounds heart breaking. Sorry that you have had such a trauma, but you will not be able to alter her behaviour. She will do whatever she wants to and so can you. The fact that she has shocked you with this behaviour is so, so sad, but you do need to move on (At your own pace - nothing to prove) because you can't change it.

itwillgetbettersoon Fri 13-Sep-13 19:26:20

It will take time. When you get those thoughts try to put them out of your head. Are you getting legal advice? There is a section in here called 'relationships' where you can ask for this to be reported and where you will get more advice - sometimes harsh advice so be prepared. Good luck.

herald Fri 13-Sep-13 20:26:24

Yes I have taken legal advise and starting divorce proceedings next week, we have sorted out everthing with the finances and joint custody, got price for divorce today blimey it doesn't come cheap. How do I move this thread to the other section?

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 15-Sep-13 16:59:20

You report your post I think and ask for it to be moved. The report button is to the right of the post. You will get more advice in relationships. You are doing very well. I'm 18 mths ahead of you with my husbAnd walking out but I've not started divorce proceedings or anything. I think I've 'seen' you on another 'outdoor' forum.

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 18:44:56

Yes i want to get the divorce sorted , feel it will help me move on, yes I do contribute to the other forum lol

JulieMumsnet (MNHQ) Sun 15-Sep-13 20:10:10


herald has asked us to move this into relationships.

We wish you all the best.


antimatter Sun 15-Sep-13 20:16:27

I think the feeling of "freedom" blurred her judgement.
I am not trying to find excuses for her behaviour but imagine if she just waled out on you and you didn't know about her flings - would you feel different?

MadBusLady Sun 15-Sep-13 21:05:11

God, she sounds a right mess. Are you satisfied that your kids are safe with her? How often do you have to pilot them out of her care because some random bloke is harassing her? Incidents like that will affect the final legal decisions on childcare arrangements so keep a log of them.

Sadly there's no easy way round these awful feelings, you have to go through them. Six to eight weeks is really not long to process the breakdown of a 20 year marriage - it WILL get better. Have you got friends/family to talk to? Have you considered a bit of counselling?

MN divorce and separation guide here if you need it.

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 21:19:58

Yes I have got good friends to speak too and it does help , but it's the speed at which her behaviour has changed that has shocked me.

I am glad she told me about the original affair because I think she would have come out with it eventually, but I don't want to hear about every other fling she has after that. Being honest I didnt think it would get to me as much as it is doing.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 15-Sep-13 21:36:21

Would it help to change the level of interaction you are having with your wife so that it is by email and about child related issues only? IMO this would be a perfectly reasonable request to make - put simply and in an email.

I am sorry to mention this and it is probably the last thing you want to hear but do get checked out for STIs.

There is no excuse for the way she has behaved. If there were problems in your relationship then she should have addressed these or left not getting into bed with some bloke from work. That is selfish behaviour.

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 21:47:50

Yes I have told her I only want to communicate via text or email, I don't really want to look her in the face at the minute, and we can sort the youngest child out without having to interact. My eldest is old enough to decide where to stay and is with me all the time and goes once a week to her place.

I really think not having contact with her will help me get over the whole thing.

CookieDoughKid Sun 15-Sep-13 21:58:54

I think your wife is in a depressive and denial state even if she is not revealing it on the surface. There are two sides to every story and I sit know yours but just to say, I'm sure she is 'reacting' uncharacteristically because she doesn't know how to deal with the break up. I'd almost bet on that being the case. Unrelated to childcare, that's not your problem so my guidance is for you to seek as much support as you can. Be kind to yourself as you will be grieving for the life you had and the future you lost with her. It will get better but you will only get better one day at a time. By leaving your marriage with your integrity I guarantee you will move on a lot faster than your ex wife. All the best.

UnexpectedStepmum Sun 15-Sep-13 21:59:16

Sp sorry you are going through this Herald. You're doing the right thing keeping contact limited and to practical matters. You're going to need time to process what has happened. Take it slowly, and when you haven't got the DCs try to have some time for you. Haveyou ggot anyone in RL to confide in and give you support?

CookieDoughKid Sun 15-Sep-13 21:59:34

Meant to say 'don't' not sit! Sorry!!

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 22:09:22

I have some good friends who I can speak with and it does help, one of them is her now ex best friend and her husband who are good listeners. I have recently started a new job that keeps me focused but it is a job that I work alone so I get lots of time to think, I know in time I will move on but it really hurts when the thoughts hit you

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 22:13:39

Cookie yes I agree she has struggled with bouts of depression and anxiety for years and I have always done everything to support her during bad times , including supporting her when she has had to leave jobs she couldn't cope with, being an emotional punch bag when she got upset, but during all that time I never thought she would do this to us all.

CookieDoughKid Sun 15-Sep-13 22:26:27

Then see it as as a closing/past chapter in your life. You will enjoy good times again and you are now free of being an emotional punchbag!! Hooray!! Seriously you tried your best. You can't save the world and you can't save her. You CAN save yourself. Let her go because she didn't become or perhaps in the latter years, never the woman you thought she was. Let the ghosts go and live your present day like your last. Good luck op!

Walkacrossthesand Sun 15-Sep-13 22:35:56

I think part of what hurts is the discovery/realisation that the person you thought you knew better than anyone else at all, is a stranger to you. It taints your memories and blights your history - that's really hard to deal with, alongside the loss of the person you loved and thought you knew. It's a kind of bereavement. As others have said up thread - you neither need nor want to know what she's doing now, your focus is on your and DCs future. I hope it all works out for you.

Walkacrossthesand Sun 15-Sep-13 22:36:50

X-post with CDK!

skyeskyeskye Sun 15-Sep-13 22:44:26

It is hard to move on and the posters above are right. The woman that you knew has gone and that is the hard thing to accept.

The less contact you have the better, and if she starts to tell you inappropriate things then just tell her that you are not interested. She can't treat you as a friend to offload on.

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 22:50:21

I think you are right I do feel disappointed with what she is doing, I think it would be easier splitting with someone if the love wasn't their but right up until the minute she told me I thought we still had a great marriage and I still loved and fancied her the same as the day we met.

It does feel a bit like bereavement and the only way to deal with that is time, I am trying to look ahead and plan to do the things I have always wanted to do. The thought of dating and meeting fills me with dread lol.

itwillgetbettersoon Sun 15-Sep-13 22:58:48

It all takes time and you just have to get through each day and one day you will start thinking of her less but it is hard. The deceit is dreadful and hard to understand.

Dating etc well there is no rush and the advice on here is usually to get to know yourself first and enjoy your own time. Build your confidence up first. Easier said than done!! I'm 18 mths down the line and can't think of anything worse than going on a date yet.

herald Sun 15-Sep-13 23:03:59

I don't want to rush into dating, to be honest I cannot see it being an option for a long time or never probably. Thanks for all the good advise so far it really helps to get things off your chest , I think the best advise comes from people who are not involved or do not know us.

skyeskyeskye Sun 15-Sep-13 23:27:04

It is very much a bereavement. I too thought that my marriage was OK right up until the day that XH walked out. It was a massive shock to suddenly be told that he no longer loved me and he was gone. The man had been cuddling me in bed every night and making love to me. The shock was huge as I never saw it coming. He was texting his mates wife behind my back, sharing all our "problems" with her and I didnt even know that we had any confused. I have grieved for a long time about the loss of my marriage and that man that I thought he was.

I did go on one date, a few months after XH left, but it was a real kneejerk reaction, he doesnt want me, I will find somebody who does... I cried all the way home from the date because he wasn't XH sad so, no, don't even begin to think about dating until you are ready. as itwillgetbetter says, you need to love yourself first, before you look for anybody else.

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