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Feeling Like My World's Collapsed -Need some support

(31 Posts)
FelineSad Fri 13-Sep-13 10:45:04

I just need a bit of support. I feel like the world around me has collapsed.

Known partner for 30 years. We met at Uni. Were 'best friends' for about a year then went out for about two years. I was raped by a stranger who broke into the flat I was staying. It/I went a little bit crazy. We didn't really handle it well as a couple but we were young. Partner doesn't express his feelings verbally and to this day I don't know how he felt about the whole situation. To make matters worse I got pregnant but was in no fit state to have a baby and had a termination.

Roll on 15 years. By this point we're friends again. He had been in a relationship where his ex was violent towards him (he had broken ribs and bite marks) but they had a 12 month old son at the time. He has always tried to be the best father he can to this son and despite her disappearing for a year with his son still sees him every week and they have a good close relationship (so is now 16).

We then start seeing each other. I get pregnant accidentally (cap failure) but decide to keep the baby. I think from this point on our relationship has been doomed as I think he thinks I did it on purpose ( I didn't). I found out he'd been sleeping with his ex who then claimed to be pregnant whilst I was then had a miscarriage. Not sure if she was ever pregnant however and the info came from her to me. He never told me. I also found out he'd been meeting up with an old school friend (married) who lived at the other end of the country for sex. All very stressful and traumatic for me. I said he could go and we split up for about 2 months with him wanting to come back.

We had another child 4 years later. Again not planned but a condom failure this time so definitely not my fault although he behaved as if it was.

Over the past few years things seemed to have settled down. He has always kept his house in a city about an hour away and would see his son twice a week there (this was the reason he gave for refusing to sell his house in this city and move peroperly in with me) and would take all the boys over there at weekends if I was working (I work shifts). I have been the bread winner and whilst he has always had a good job has earnt less and is hopeless with money so has always had big debts. H e has however always given money for the boys. recently things had got better as he remortgaged and for the first ime in our relationship he was an equal partner financially

Sex has always been a problem as he has a very high sex drive and consequently tends to pester me for sex. We can't just cuddle on the settee without him putting his hand between my legs or him grabbing my breasts. I find it a complete turn off. He will also try to initiate sex in the morning when the boys are coming in and out which again is a big turn off. Possibly because of the rape or just lifes stressors in general I have been less interested although the constant pressure to have sex has been off putting. I also put on quite a bit of weight which made me not feel so sexy.

However on a day to day basis we get on really well. We have fun together and I have always said if I were stuck on a dessert island it would be him I would choose to be with. I love him and do still fancy him despite everything.

Over the past couple of months I did feel we were drifting apart. He made no attempt to come to bed at the same time as me and went out to the gym a lot (you all know where this is going)!

We had a weeks holiday booked and I was really looking forward to getting 'reconnected' iyswim. I even joined a gym as I thought if I lost weight and got fitter my libido would return. The holiday was very flat. I thought it was because of my teenage son however now I look back and can see partner seemed very irritated by me and short tempered. There were lots of under hand remarks trying to indicate that I don't think that much of him.

The day after we came back from holiday he returned to his house as there had been building work going on. He was due to come back two days later. He text me at some point to say the gym at a particular location was very small. The location of this gym was odd as it was in a completely different direction to where he would usually go but he said he just wanted to visit different gyms of the same branch like a collector (this is not odd behaviour for him).

The following day he text me to say how much he had enjoyed waking up on his own without being mithered. The next three texts clearly weren't meant for me. They indicated that he'd been with another woman at the gym, that they planned to meet up in about 4 weeks time and as he couldn't wait was asking to see her that afternoon. I know who it was a married friend of his from uni who only 4 weeks ago he had told me was separating from her husband. He admitted it. He claimed he'd only stayed with me for the boys and they had decided that now his life with me was over and hers was with her husband they wanted to be more than just friends. Apparently he felt like I never put him first. He claimed he'd been 'fairly unhappy' for years but admitted he didn't feel he could tell me and therefore give us a chance to put it right.

I asked him via text (I had lost the power of speech!)where we could go from here and what was he planning to do. Every question was met with 'I don't know'. Several hours later he came over. I was distraught but he acted like nothing had happened. I cried in bed all night next to him but he said and did nothing.

I decided the following night I needed to be elsewhere so went and stayed with a friend and drank copious amounts of wine. Next morning I felt stronger. I returned home. He was about to go out to work so I asked him when we were going to talk. His reply was, ' I thought you were going to say something last night but you went out'.

We agreed to talk the following evening. As he finds it really difficult to have 'difficult conversations I said I would e-mail him with my thoughts. He agreed. I e-mailed him with two options. Either we sit down and try and make this relationship work or we split but that it was a proper split with him moving all his property out of my house and only coming round for childcare reasons. I thought we could then have a grown up discussion about it the following day.

Next day he comes in from work. He then starts packing stuff into his car in front of the boys. He acts as if everything is normal and even asks everyone if they want takeaway. By this point I couldn't hold it in any longer. I asked him if he had decided he was leaving me. He just nodded so I asked him to leave. However as he had promised the boys take away he said he would leave after that. Takeaway arrives and he starts watching a funny programme on tv so I turn off tv and ask him to tell the boys what is happening and how things are going to change. He looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights but did tell them that he had decided he didn't want to be in a relationship with me anymore. The way he described it was as if the only difference to them would be that he wouldn't be sleeping in my bed!

He then left leaving two boys sobbing in their beds. I was in shock and just felt really detached.

I am in contact with OWs husband who is also devastated. However OW did tell him June she wanted to separate which fits in with some changes in behaviour in P towards me. OW and husband still live togehter with their two children. She did tell him no one else was invovled. He knows P and has been out out on family days out with the boys.

I know I need to pull myself together and get on with it. Sometimes I'm ok but then suddenly it's like being hit by a freight train. It's only been a week and a day since he walked out but it feels like a life time. It's like reliving the worst year of my life when I was raped and pregnant and we split up the first time. He just wants to carry on acting like nothing has happened. I'm sure if I had said we could carry on as normal whilst he did his thing with OW he would have agreed. I got in last night as was working lates and he had bought me my favourite chocolates.

Next week should be easier and there should be no reason for him to see him. I have told him to remove his bikes from my garage so there is no reason fro him to park up outside my house and cycle into work. It's all such a mess. OW actually lives about 2 hours away from him with me in the middle about an hour away.

Sorry for all that. I feel much better having written it down. I have a counselling session booked for next week and am seeing the Dr this afternoon. Nytol helped me sleep for two nights but last night I only managed an hour. I am having difficulty in separating what I need to make myself better again against the boys seeing their Dad when they want (which is what he wants)

Nadienoo Fri 13-Sep-13 11:08:27

So sorry to hear you are going through such a hard time, and it sounds harsh but you will be better off without him... I had a hard year too, we were expecting our 3rd DC and I miscarried, he couldn't deal so we parted ways but are still friends.

Trust me when I say from what you have written down, it seems like you will be better off without him, he obviously wants to have his cake and eat it, and that is not fair on you. You deserve someone who will be faithful and will commit to you completely...

Things are rough, but they will get better, you've been through a lot together and that forges a bond that is very hard to break, but IMO from what is down here, you need to break that bond and live your life- and don't take any more shit from him. To get through as horrific an incident as a rape, means you are a very strong woman and if you can get through that, then you can definitely get through this hard time

thanks for you, I hope someone else comes along and has more to add, and will look in later and say more, but I'm not meant to be MNing at the moment lol- tidying to do blush, talk later?

BerkshireMum Fri 13-Sep-13 11:12:43

No useful advice OP but didn't want to read and run.

Sounds like it's for the best long-term, but that doesn't stop it being awful now. Seeing the GP is good and make sure you have some good RL support.

FelineSad Fri 13-Sep-13 11:13:11

Thanks Nadienoo I know you're right but I'm 48 now and I feel like that part of my life is over for me now. it's just work and kids. It is difficult as he's been part of my life for so long and as you say we've been through so much together.

If someone had written this I would say exactly the same. I just didn't want my boys to come from a broken home (who does). it must come as a shock to them because as far as they were concerned everything was calm and normal.

FelineSad Fri 13-Sep-13 11:45:22

It was too long wasn't it?.........sad Just didn't want to drip feed.....

StellarLights Fri 13-Sep-13 15:56:22

Now I'm sure that some wiser women will be a long shortly however I just wanted to commend you on how strong you've been, not many women face such a hard time with such admirable strength.

You are a very strong woman, and at 48 you have plenty of time ahead of you to recover and to find someone else, someone who deserves you. thanks

BitOutOfPractice Fri 13-Sep-13 16:18:55

Oh OP what a spineless shit he is sad and I'm so sorry you've had to go through this.

But you will feel better and it will get better and you will be fine without this excess baggage excuse for a man in your life. Your life is not over and you have plenty more living and fun times ahead of you! Promise xxx

ladyjadie Fri 13-Sep-13 18:24:23

Feline, you have gone through so much. You have. You sound so strong, and to be honest as much as you are remembering the good times, this man sounds like a weak link to me. Blaming you and suspecting you of getting pregnant on purpose? That's horrible. Being a sex pest? Cheating on you, betraying your trust. More than once. That's pathetic and an ugly character trait in my opinion. Especially when you're at home with your boys. Not being able to have a face to face conversation like an adult? And leaving your boys sobbing in their beds while he goes off to some other life.

The way he's treated you, over so many years. sad I have no helpful advice because there is no magic wand to take pain away (I wish there was, I would use it on you right now) but please try to not blame yourself. You sound amazing. One day, if you stay strong and don't take him back, you will look back on today and realize this. Preferably on a beach with your kids and a lovely man who will have made you realise what a true partnership is. Maybe just you and your boys. It's not over yet. ((Hugs))

FelineSad Fri 13-Sep-13 23:16:34

Thank-you for all your kind words. You have no idea just how you've made me feel so much better. smile

Priceliss Fri 13-Sep-13 23:42:52

You sound so strong and amazing. You deserve better and you are still young and WILL find better. She sounds like a total ass & you sound freaking amazing!!! Hugs & positivity xxxx

OpheliaMonarch Sat 14-Sep-13 04:29:59

Only posted once before, and don't think I am any good at advice.

I did however read your thread and just wanted to say I think you are doing exactly the right thing, that man was an utter bastard.

I will just say, you have your whole life ahead of you, two wonderful sons, and I know a survivor like you can do anything she wants with her life!

Some flowers for a fabulous lady thanks smile

FelineSad Sat 14-Sep-13 12:22:13

Oh thank-you everyone. I actually shed a little tear blush

keepyourroomtidy Sat 14-Sep-13 13:38:27

Just keep going and try to look after yourself a bit - it's horrific but will get much better.

CookieDoughKid Sat 14-Sep-13 20:00:23

Op I'm sorry to hear the stress you are going through. Hang in there. Counselling will help. Please please detach yourself from this man who evidently shows no respect for you.

FelineSad Tue 01-Oct-13 15:05:24

It's four weeks and two days since he's been gone (sounds like a song).

Feels like a lifetime and it's been such a huge roller coaster.

To update: I became friendly via text with OW husband. We both got carried away and met up to see if there was anything in it. Unfortuntely/fortunately (much too soon rebound relationship) there definitely wasn't for me but I have since found out otherwise that that was not the case for him and he somehow now blames me for shattering his new dreams.

Week three and the almost inevitable happened. Me and ex ended up in bed together. I was asleep in bed and had taken a sleeping pill and half a bottle of red wine and I woke to find him gently caressing my face. There followed wo nights of thee most fantastic mindblowing sex and lots of 'honest' talking (or I thought it was honest). Third night when he realised the hole he'd got into slightly more brutal less loving I hate myself type sex (from him). However he was still talking about potential reconciliation and going to relationship counselling with me.

Two days later I find out he's saying the exact opposite to her. I have major melt down and send her an e-mail with a few home truths in it. The type of e-mail you can never take back.

I am so angry at myself. I can't believe I was so weak. I know it wasn't even because he wanted me just that he wanted to maintain the semblance of a happy home with me for the boys sake. Even bought me little presents and an expensive new laptop. Fool! Fool! Fool!

My counselling was cancelled because they felt I would need more than the standard six free sessions they could offer. Have been trying to get an appointment with GP to get counselling on NHS but been v difficult to get an appointment.

I have instigated a no contact rule. I will not see him at all for a month (in the first instance maybe more). I text him before I return home so he can leave before I get there. He drops the boys off on the driveway without coming into the house. It feels so petty onmy behalf but it's the only way I can cope.

When will it ever end??????????

Really down day today interspersed with mega highs. It's exhausting.

FelineSad Tue 01-Oct-13 15:44:12


ladyjadie Tue 01-Oct-13 16:28:29

It can only really end if you keep the no contact up. If you keep seeing him it's like picking a scab, it's going to hurt and bleed a lot more and take a lot longer to heal, and leave a deeper scar. Don't beat yourself up for ending up back in bed with him, it happens to a lot of couples who break up, I think it's called 'hysterical bonding' and it never lasts. He's given you even more signs that he is no good for you, by going behind your back and telling both you and the OW what you both want to hear. He is probably lying to both of you. He wants to keep his options open and is probably loving the idea of you two both fighting for him.

Keep up the no contact, that is seriously hard but it will start to hurt less this way. Keep reading your first post and reminding yourself how much he has done you wrong. Keep busy. Keep on at the NHS. Chuck out or eBay the presents, they are meaningless. You are not.

Jan45 Tue 01-Oct-13 16:49:10

So he took advantage of you when you were drunk and on a sleeping pill, pretty much standard practice for him then. He is not a nice person, he hasn't and will not treat you with respect and love, as above, if you keep picking at the scab you are only hurting yourself, the relationship is dead in the water, having sex isn't going to make it all better again. Ladyjadie has given you excellent advice there.

FelineSad Tue 01-Oct-13 17:45:36

Jan45:No he certainly didn't take advantage of me as I wasn't drunk and the sleeping pill had worn off after about 2 hours. He was just gently stroking my face and running his finger over the contours of my face with his finger. Not sexual just very sweet. We talked for the first time for about two hours before the sex bit. The sex was probably the best of our lives and I certainly didn't feel used. It was like a tremendous release of all the feels which had been building up inside of me.

I don't regret the sex at all. I regret believing all the words he said about possible reconsiliations because that what I wanted to hear. I'm not even sure if it's him I want or I just don't want her to have him. It's all so mixed up.

ladyjadie Yes excellent advice. It's exactly what I think. I cannot risk letting him get under my skin again because that is exactly what he will do. He wants everything to be as before for the sake of the boys but to be able to go off elsewhere to his thing. I can't live like that.

He is already complaining that when I work late I make him drive home for about an hour (he works in my city but his house is in another) because it makes him so tired!!! I can see another request to stay in the near future but I will be strong.

FelineSad Tue 01-Oct-13 18:38:00

ladyjadie Hysterical bonding!!! Never heard of it before but that's what it was. I thought I was going crazy. I craved sex with him. It was all I could think about but this shows it's not unusual and I wasn't going crazy.

In fact the craving for sex seems to to have abated considerably. Thank-you. I didn't tell anyone in RL about it because I was too embarassed (as in the craving). I thought I'd turned into a nymphomaniac overnight!

ladyjadie Wed 02-Oct-13 08:34:33

How are you today Feline? I'm glad to shed light on the hysterical bonding, I only learned the term here on MN but it was like a lightbulb to me too, I had done the same with an ex and had always wondered why it happened. Inevitably they all turn into shits again.

He is the one who has turned the lives of you and your boys upside down, so you really have to see it as his problem if he is 'so tired'. Frankly he is being disrespectful and a cheeky sod to boot if he expects you to roll over and let him stay.

Do stay strong. Do keep up the no contact, and keep your original post at the back of your mind at all times. Maybe even print it off somewhere so you can look at it if you feel you might give in to his 'charms'. You need to be reminded of just how much better you deserve. Perhaps look up some of the threads in Relationships where people have gone through similar to you, and come out the other side without their idiot ex and are so much happier. It all helps as inspiration and a view to what some men can be like. Some can be lovely, and your ex is not one of them!

FelineSad Wed 02-Oct-13 12:01:20

Thank-you so much ladyjadie I do feel a million times better today. In fact a bit too happy which is also something I tend to be quite wary of as it me want to really reckless and crazy things!!!

It also seems having spoken to some people and googling that after the initial drama of finding out about the affair if there is a reconciliation it tends to be short lived and the relationship tends to be ended by the innocent party.

FelineSad Fri 25-Oct-13 17:55:02

Had a bit of a down week. Started being weepy again after ebing fine for weeks.

Arranged to do a joint activity for me and the boys but eldest decided at last moment he didn't want to come and it's something he really enjoys. Sat in his room all day on the computer. Wish I knew what was going on in his head.

Ex has been contacting me via, text, e-mail and phone in what I call random unnecessary contact like he's scrabbling fro reasons to contact me eg asking me what activities he could do with the boys when he's got them this weekend!!!! he's always been a very hands on dad so bizarre and as they are 9 and 13 he could just ask them himself?? Trouble is now I'm overthinking every contact and after being fine I just deperately, desperately want him back..

Also my sister announced the Christmas plans which now result in me spending the whole of Christmas on my own. I have to work on Christmas day (7am-3pm). It was arranged long before the split and there is no way anyone else will do it now and I desperately need the money.

We were due to do Christmas at mine this year. Ex always does the cooking so I thought he could do that and we could eat at (I live about 2 mins from work). Even though we have now split he said he would still do this (although not stay for meal as he cannot face my family after what he's done). However it would mean both of us would be there 1st thing for present opening.

Sister has announced that 3pm is much too late to eat (we normally eat at 1). She said she would do Christmas at hers. I said boys could stay at my at my parents on Christmas Eve. I would come and pick them up after work and then ex could pick them up Christ mas day evening and take him to his (along with his eldest) and they could then celebrate Christmas at his.

Sister announces that in her (and my parents) opinion my boys MUST be with a parent on Christmas day morning (despite the fact they are 9 and 13 and will get up at stupid o'clock to open presents after which previously myself and ex have had to go back to bed for a few hours). she is also going to book a restaurant as she 'won't have time to cook??!!' confused

So now ex will pick up boys on Christmas Eve (I'm working until 9pm). Take them to his and return them on the 27th. So all of Christmas spent on my own because my family can't eat Christmas dinner 2 hours 'late'.

FelineSad Fri 25-Oct-13 17:57:05

we could eat at (I eat at 3

JammieMummy Fri 25-Oct-13 18:15:50

I didn't want to read and run but it sounds like your sister is taking control of a situation which is not hers to take control of! If I were you I would talk to your parents directly, explain that her new plan would mean you spend Christmas on your own and request they reconsider. They are probably just going along with what your sister is telling them and not realising what the repercussions are for you.

As for your ex you are well shot, keep strong and don't even be tempted to give in! You are doing really well.

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