How can I keep my relationship together + evil MIL

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

I need some quick help. I just want give a short version.

Me and Oh been together 5 years 1DC. I use to get along with his family really well then had DC and MIL turned horrible, controlling, interfering, attention seeking and plain nasty. DP is completely blind to his family having any faults and for the last 6m I've had no contact with them. This caused huge huge problems and tonight in 45min were sitting down to decide if we can make it or work or were over.

I love him. I want us to work but I know I'm going to have to do something to "get along" with his mother. She hates me and the feel is there but he believes its me that should make all the effort because that's his mum. How can I do this?

Please don't say LTB I'm not ready to give up on what was a good relationship.

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

Sorry that was longer then I wanted.

I'm sitting here feeling sick and not knowing what the hell I'm going to do

[DragonsAreReal]

Can you at not both be civil?

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

I've said I can and will do this but he said it won't work. I think he suggest to accept that there's going to be no more, me popping round for tea or just for a chat, no family holidays or shopping trips

[mrspaddy]

This is a horrible situation to be in.. but DH has to support you and empathise with you somewhat so that a compromise can be made. The blame is not yours.

Then, the only thing is you will have to be false and act nice with her - which is not easy at all.

Don't lose each other over it.. say that to him.. not way are you losing him. State out the facts.. exactly what his mother does that is upsetting. Say that you are prepared to overlook it.. but he needs to see it- open his eyes up.

I am in a slightly different situation - but it has pulled us together (actually my mother in our circumstance).

[saggyhairyarse]

Well, it might take more than one sit down chat to work through....

I would see todays conversation as the chance for him to air his feelings, you to air yours and you to decide if you love each other and want to work things out.

Then give it a week or so for each other to digest what each other has said and have another chat about possible solutions and possible compromises.

One possible solution could be that he speaks to his Mum about how you have felt since you had your DC and how it has led to you having NC for 6 months but that it has damaged your relationship and how you both want to work things out. How everyone needs to put the past in the past type scenario.

The compromise you make is having contact with her but raising the problems you have with her when they arise and him speaking to his DM about them accordingly (presenting a united front to her and supporting you).

Another scenario could be him laying down the law with her if she has been hellishly out of order, you having contact with her again but agreeing that if she creates merry hell then you will both have NC with her for the sake of your marriage and your family together.

Also, you could opt to go to relationship counselling and letting a trained counsellor guide you through resolving the issue and rebuilding your relationship.

There are loads of possible ways of working this, it obviously depends on the people involved and what exactly has happened.

Good luck!

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

Thanks mrs paddy. I know she wants us to split up because she can't stand not having a say in every aspect of our lives because I won't let her control me or my child but he's happy too.

It's so difficult because she hates me and its mutual and because she's so able me in her eyes she doesn't need to be civil

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

Thanks saggy, I would like for us to see a relationship counsellor but I doubt OH will go for it but ill suggest it tonight. I'm willing to put all my effort in to make us work but I need some support and not just be expecting to bow down to his mother and let her raise my child

[Ezio]

Tell him, your willing to try if she is, lay it out exactly what she does that you dont like and ask him to speak to her.

If he cant do that, then he doesnt give a shit about your family unit.

[saggyhairyarse]

No, exactly, this is your life and your child. What strikes me is that by behaving like this she is driving you away, ultimately if you split up she will see less of your child assuming your DC would live with you. She is cutting her nose off to spite her face. Obviously you can't really say that to your DH as it sounds like a threat but its a shame she hasn't been warmer to you and tried to build a better relationship with you.Shooting yourself in the foot springs to mind.

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

I personally believe that she thinks if we split up DP will get equal custody then he works 6 days a week and she will get my DD alone for the rest of the time which won't happen. We've had major problems where I've had to limit the contact she has with DD over the way she thinks its acceptable to look after her and it isn't

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

I don't know how best to handle this. He gets very defensive when I say anything bad about them so how can I get all this across and make him see my POV ?

[saggyhairyarse]

Well, the thing is by criticizing how she looks after your DD you are probably criticizing aspects of his childhood and people often don't like being made to look deeper into things especially if they are going to question things that they maybe they preferred to put in a box.

The thing is, if he wants 50/50 access and you want to give it, then that is time when your DC should be cared for by her father or in school and doesnt necessarily mean being cared for by extended family members unless you are happy with that.

How old is your DD? Who is primary carer now?

[MissStrawberry]

His child's well being should become before his mother's bullying and tantrums.

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

I never criticised her until she told me to do certain things that were shocking and boarding on child cruelty and I feel as parents it's our job to protect our child but it seems to be left to me.

I'm DDs primary cared, I'm a SAHM and OH works really really long hours, we live together and he can go 4 days without see'ing DD. there's no way I would give 50/50 because I know he wouldn't be there to care for her and she still BFs alot. But I don't want us to split up I want our family to stay together

[Hissy]

He has to see that she WANTS you to split.

He would be a part time dad, every other weekend.

Because SHE is driving the relationship this way.

He needs to understand that either you insist on zero contact with her, to protect your family, or he gets help to see what a threat she is to his life.

Imagine if you do split and he remarries. She's going to do the same thing. Over and over. Unless he takes a deep breath and backs you.

Toxic Parents is a book he may find of use.

He's understandably going to find this hard, but if you start the conversation with him from this point, stating that you are there to defend your family, your marriage and you'll support him to the hilt. He has to do the same.

His mother is the biggest threat to your lives there is.

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

Any ideas on how best to deal with her if this is what he wants? How to move forward

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

?

[CloudyBayDrainageSystem]

How old is DD? What kind of things have been happening? Do you have any examples of what level she is up to. It's difficult to interpret where everything went wrong and why.

[Hissy]

Sorry, how do you mean, how to deal with her if this is what he wants?

Do you mean if he wants to fight to save your marriage?

If he does, then you discuss and agree a common approach. Be firm, don't accept manipulation, state your boundaries, all together as a couple, and don't negotiate.

You have to stay calm, together. You can't react or retaliate. You have to detach.

As an impenetrable couple.

Yours is a marriage, you are a couple, and have to bond like never before. Be there for each other.

Remind him that we have Stately Homes thread here if ever he needs anything.

What she's doing is wrong. You (both) have to stop her.

Is that what you meant by your question?

[Hissy]

Expect all manner of hell to be released by her too, but ride through it.

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

My DD is 10m and I don't want to give to much way in case I out myself in RL. It all went wrong when my DD was a few weeks old, she can't stand the fact that I am mum and she tried to force me to make the choices she did, if my DD was crying she would refuse to give her to me to feed (this isn't why I don't trust her to care for my DD just an idea of how things started to go sour). She would try and undermine every decision we would make, she had an opinion on everything which is fine and I was more then happy to talk about things but when I didn't listen to her 'opinion' she would go mad on how I was trying to push her out of DDs life and refused to listen to her (which is rubbish we just have VERY different ideas on parenting but each time I said, okay ill think about it thanks and tried to move on) she would keep track of where I'd been and who I'd seen and compare hours that so I'd spent with people and had to make sure she had more.

I realise these are all little things but when you have a 2 week old baby this started the slope down

[IWantToMakeUsWork]

No hissy but thank you for your reply. I mean I think he's going to say "for us to work you need to get along with my mother" what do I do then? How I feel at the minute I feel like I'd do anything but all the stuff she's done cant be brushed away like he expects

[Ezio]

They arent little things, its control and manipulation.

Refusing to hand your DD back so you can feed her, is close to child abuse, you have to safe guard her, you OH isnt willing too or is blind to what his mother is like.

You need to take control here, lay it out with your OH, and be prepared to end your relationship, if he repeatedly puts this toxic woman above you and your DD's wellbeing.

[PartyOrganisor]

You can only 'deal with her' is if you can agree on what your approach as a couple.

Saying 'You have upset my mum so you sort it out' isn't going to work because that's what you've done so far and clearly it isn't working.
What is his pov on the parenting issues you have raised? Does he agree with you? With his mum?