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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

my husband is hiring hookers i'm pregnant with 2 kids/lyme disease

63 replies

girl123 · 11/09/2013 07:50

Found out that he is hiring hookers in hotels when he travels for work. I'm shattered, pregnant 14 weeks, and just been diagnosed with chronic lyme disease. He is saying that it was "a big mistakes", even though right before he came home 2 nights in the row he was hiring them.
I'm lost, can't sleep, eat, feeling like i have to leave him, but have no strength. He is saying it was a big mistake.
I'm attractive, 37, we were having sex (when i'm not sick), have 2 small children. I'm very scared for the future-no income, no career, live in the country where i came with him because of his work. And he is about to lose his job because of lies.

OP posts:

Report

Offred · 11/09/2013 07:56

Leave him. If he is going to lose his job then you're threatened with financial insecurity anyway.

Honestly, my husband did something that threatened out marriage when I was pregnant with twins and had a 2 and 3 year old and I sucked it up and stayed because I couldn't face leaving, we'd also only been married a few weeks. I regret it deeply and things have never improved. I've now wasted another 4 years on trying to make it work with nothing from him and told him on Monday night that for me it is over.

You will need to split eventually I think, don't prolong the agony.

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 07:57

Didn't want to read and run. I'm so sorry, you deserve far better than this, don't worry about the future, it will be ok. LTB, he is a disgusting moron.
He is putting YOURS and YOUR CHILDRENS health in danger.
Can you leave your country and come home?

This is awful. x

girl123 · 11/09/2013 07:58

he was making good money before and still at work but loosing it in 2 months after which he will get paid for a full year.
I think he was doing it before we married, once I saw a search for an escort services right in the location he was staying. Back then i believed him (9 years ago).

OP posts:

SlumberingDormouse · 11/09/2013 07:59

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have any friends or family who could give emotional/practical help, either in your home country or the one you're in now?

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 08:00

offred yes, you suck it up, but its always hanging over you isn't it.

OP I'm more appalled every time I read your post. For the love of God get out. Let him go with all the prostitutes he wishes.

Concentrate on your pregnancy and child.

Seems he is a well seasoned liar with form, if he's in danger of losing his job over whatever lies he's told.

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 08:04

OP so possibly hes been at it for a decade, nearly. Oh my Good Lord.

He could have had/given you STIs or anything the disgusting vile pig. I'm actually upset for you. I had a ex who saw fit to use peostitutes on a stag do in Prague. I kicked him out of my house as soon as I found out. I asked myself WHY? Am I ugly? Do I not satisfy him?

The answer was that he was an inadequate dickhead with no thought for me.

Your P knows he is wrong in doing this.

I will stay on this thread. x

girl123 · 11/09/2013 08:05

i have some friends but it's hard to talk about all this, i told some of my family, but don't feel like talking lots about it. It helps to get women's perspective on this site.

OP posts:

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 08:05

And to do this while you are ill. Christ.

He's a real gem isn't he.

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 08:07

Talk to your friends. You may find it helps to vent to them. In the meantime we are all on your side here

Are you ill with morning sickness etc? Hope you are OK. Please try to rest. As much as possible. x

girl123 · 11/09/2013 08:11

You are right in my brain i know i can't prolong it but now i'm so lost, it's like nightmare that i think i have to wake up from. All those years he and kids where my family and i can't face being alone, especially with lyme disease-in a month i will have to go on heavy doses of drugs to try to manage it and very worried about baby, etc. Thank you for advice and support

OP posts:

girl123 · 11/09/2013 08:17

He claims that those girls where giving him only a "rub on his dick", but on the profiles escort girls offer all services, describe, how their "pussy is shaved, breast size" I can't ever think without pain about all this, after i red those profiles i went crazy its so disgusting and painful

OP posts:

girl123 · 11/09/2013 08:19

i was able to track the profiles using the numbers on his phone and saw their messaging

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 11/09/2013 08:43

My STBXH did similar. And I'd believed the "just looking, curious, I never did anything" crap re escort site too.
The point at which I was sure he had, my baby was 10 months old and I was about to return to work in a complicated situation. Practicality of splitting would have been hard (not finances, more child care and access).
So I stayed. I stopped sleeping with him. And I was fucking miserable. Every day my soul was dying.
Every single thing he did wrong (leaving dishes, all the minor stuff) made me so angry.
I left him after 3 years of this.
I won't say I regret staying - practical reasons were good ones. But I bet I wouldn't have regretted leaving, either.
It is a miserable half life - no affection, no love, no respect, no love, no liking...
I should have gone before.
I can only tell you how happy I was when I ended it.
Good luck.
But if you stay - disengage from the disgusting arsehole. Get ready to go.

Cabrinha · 11/09/2013 08:45

As for just rubbing his dick? Oh, that's OK then? What an arsehole.

BombayBadGirl · 11/09/2013 08:47

omg, haven't read the replies, but honestly you dont deserve that treatment.
leave him, your kids dont need that 'roe model' in their lives, call on family and friends and for help
i'm so sorry xxx

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 09:36

Sorry I left OP, I've had laptop gremlins

Some really good posts here.

Your P makes my blood boil. He clearly can see women as objects and pieces of property to be bought and for him to gratify him. He is gross. You deserve a whole world more than this.

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 09:38

Like Bombay says, please tell your family too. Put them in the picture of what you are going through. You may be surprised by the help/advice you receive. They will undoubtedly be disgusted but at least they will know and you can talk in confidence with them.

So sorry about all this OP.

Offred · 11/09/2013 09:40

It is utterly disgusting honestly, but I know that doesn't really help you. You need to make a decision about what to do, maybe at least a first step. I honestly think the right thing is ending it for good but I think at least asking for a temporary break to think would be right. A temporary break from the relationship shouldn't mean he gets to abdicate childcare btw, just give you space.

FeelingWeirdNow · 11/09/2013 11:13

Are you there OP? Are you ok? x

girl123 · 11/09/2013 11:34

I told him it's over and that the sooner we start moving forward the better. Sorry to overwhelm you with my emails, but this is what he wrote (keep in mind he is excellent writer also don't want to loose kids):
No matter what i feel i would be stupid to stay and don't take opportunity to end it now no matter how bad it is, but i'm so miserable and sick to my stomach now...You thought helps me tremendously not to be confused and look clearly at the problem

Bun – these are my thoughts –

First, we have known and loved each other for a long time and I know I have done something wrong (not what you think but what I told you) and hurt you and I want to try to make things better somehow for you and the kids and us. If we are honest we both know our relationship has had a lot of ups and downs over the years and I don’t think that together we have ever really tried to address any of our issues, many of which are very significant. There is plenty of blame to go around about why our relationship has had so many issues. We have always papered them over and life has moved on, but the issues have remained. I have always thought these issues are ones we could solve, but we don’t communicate almost ever and there doesn’t seem to be any forum you are comfortable with to address our issues.

I know that now you are not interested in working on our issues but want to think about separation. I understand this and I agree at least that some space between us right now is a good thing, understanding that we have to think about what is best for our kids and future child.

With our financial situation in a not good place (debt); with my job (and income) coming to an end soon; and with me looking for a job now (and possibly some visibility on when I might get a job, what the salary will be and where it will be located in the next 3 months or so), I think that we need to look at a temporary solution before a longer term one. My suggestion is as follows – (1) we can start the mediation process to get an idea of our options and how things could work, and (2) at least for the next 3 months, you stay with the kids in our house and I will stay at my parents. This way there is stability for the kids and we are not locking ourselves into new long term leases when we don’t know what our future financial situation will be etc…

Let me know your thoughts. If you agree we can schedule the mediation today.

OP posts:

Offred · 11/09/2013 11:46

I think that is as good as you are likely to get from him. It does sound like he is trying to offload responsibility unfairly, i hope he wont further progress to blaming you but for now i think you could let that slide in view of keeping a split amicable.

His suggestion to go to mediation you should only do if you feel you would like to try and fix things (and that you perhaps could). If you are sure you want to end it then the other option sounds better.

It is good that he has accepted what you feel though and that you have told him too.

Offred · 11/09/2013 11:46

How are you feeling?

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Offred · 11/09/2013 11:48

I agree with you btw that he is trying to play head games of being reasonable but there is no reason why you can't deliberately take that at face value for now.

girl123 · 11/09/2013 11:54

Thank you for your kind advices and words. I'm feeling depressed and crushed and know it will be for a long time now..
He meant mediation to get amicable divorce (I was asking him for that). When i told him that i will hire a lawyer he threatened me that he will "crush me" (his father wealthy retired lawyer and take kids to US (kids have us passports). Also he reasons that 2 lawyers will eat lots of money. I know he can't take kids from me, but i'm not capable to face his threats now.

OP posts:

squeaver · 11/09/2013 11:56

Oh God. Controlling. Passing blame onto you. Not giving you a chance to make decisions yourself. Not apologetic. Not accepting responsibility for his actions.

Don't let him dictate what happens next. What do YOU want to do now? THAT is what you should do.

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