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if you live a great distance from your parents, do you regret moving?

(50 Posts)
BombayBadGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 21:54:51

i've lived just over 100 miles from my parents now and am missing them really alot.
my husbands family is the main reason we moved to be closer to them and work wasn't very good in our original city so it made sense.
now our kids are in primary, husband is settled in work, but miss my parents.
i dont want it to be where they pass on and i didn't make the most of the time we could have together.

if you can contribute, it'll be greatly appreciated

Mintyy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:00

Dh and I live 2-3 hours away from both sets of parents. We both welcome the distance, tbh, not because we don't love our parents. But it suits us.

Mintyy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:00:34

What do you miss about your parents specifically that you can't get from speaking to them on the phone?

TCOB Tue 10-Sep-13 22:07:35

We are 100 and 130 miles away respectively from in-laws/ parents. Do I regret it? The quality of my children's life is astonishingly good where we are and we are all settled BUT I am deeply envious of people with family help as we get no practical help whatsoever. Practical support appears alas to have been conditional on convenience. But sounds like you have in-laws nearby? Isit just you are very close to your parents? Couldn't really empathise with that sadly.

solveproblem Tue 10-Sep-13 22:10:06

Yes! In very homesick at the moment and sometimes wish I never moved here to start with.

It was all exciting moving to a new country when I was in my early twenties but now that I'm married here with two kids I just wish I would have stayed a bit closer to home!

MumblingMummy Tue 10-Sep-13 22:40:30

Yes, I did this for the same reasons as you - closer to DP's family, better standard of living, jobs etc.. Parents were already retired and visited once a year (we did same) but their decline was missed due to distance. I truly wished I hadnt moved (or made them move with me). Very sad and I feel I made too many sacrifices for others instead of putting my parents first. I would suggest that you persuade them to move near you.

Chibbs Tue 10-Sep-13 22:42:00

i live 4.5 hours from my family ( parents and siblings) i like it!

BombayBadGirl Tue 10-Sep-13 23:09:42

i do have in laws near me, but tbh there more emotionally draining and un supportive.

i speak every other day to my mum, but isn't the same and now i just want them near me, especially since my mums told me he's finding it hard to cope with the pressure they're under (to complicated to go into, but basically supporting my brother and their kids).
i dont need them to help with the kids, i just dont want to wake up one day and find that i missed years with them

sorry, sad, dont know why i'm feeling so down about this now

SlangKing Wed 11-Sep-13 00:04:19

100 miles isn't that far. For the sake of a 3 hour drive or the price of a typical night out spent on a train you could be there every other week or once a month. A supportive hubby shouldn't have a problem with it.

pookamoo Wed 11-Sep-13 00:07:22

DH & I are 2-3 hours from both sets of parents.

I wish we could be nearer to help them all, but they are opposite sides of the country and we moved here for work, too.

I know how you feel, OP. Especially now DD1 has started school so I won't be able to just take the DCs down there for a few days in the week any more. sad

Weegiemum Wed 11-Sep-13 00:15:41

We're now 90 mins from my parents and 4 hours (and a ferry trip) from mil.

It's close enough for me - though when we were a day from mil and half a day from mine, it seemed a bit far.

Dh's brother lives 5 mins in one direction from his mum and 5 mins in the other direction from his mil. I really don't know how they stand it.

theolddragon01876 Wed 11-Sep-13 02:08:47

I live 3000 miles from mine. I regret it in some ways. My BELOVED dad died last year and I couldnt get home for funeral but on the other hand I didnt want to see him get old and frail when he was alive sad

My mum is the reason Im 3000 miles away and it would kill her if i said that so I will never say it where she could find out.She is also frail but bugger me I cant take the ohh woe is me thing any more,she has always been like that.

It has been hard having NO physical support through a very abusive marriage,a very traumatic divorce and 3 kids. ( having seen her in action with ds2 aged 2 1/2 last time I was home and her shutting him outside,in the rain,in a strange country in November when Id nipped out for an hour with sil and Ds2 had gotten stroppy I think we were better off without her "help" )

So yes I regret it in a way,ie them not knowing my kids and no I dont in another way. Im a coward,big time, and didnt have to see my dad get old and frail and never had to confront my mum. My weekly phone calls are barely tolerated these days,if I get to chat for 10 mins its a long un and its all about how shes doing etc,no longer seems to care bout me or mine.

So over all NO i dont regret it but the whole dad thing I do,My poor poor dad sad

AdoraBell Wed 11-Sep-13 02:59:59

Mine are both deceased but OH's parents are in the UK and we are in Latín América. He doesn't regret the move.

Pookamoo makes a good point, you could visit them quite easily as long as you have access to transport. Would you be able to stay with them on visits, do they have space?

AdoraBell Wed 11-Sep-13 03:01:32

Oops, I was refering to SlangKing's post. Sorryblush

SlangKing Wed 11-Sep-13 05:18:05

I'll forgive you just this once, Adora for (temporarily) accrediting my GENIUS post to Pook. Of couse, if the site thought to include A FRIGGIN EDIT BUTTON, your small misfortune could've been swiftly rectified. I was a victim of this GLARING OVERSIGHT just the other day so consider you a sister-in-arms until the edit button REVOLUTION has been fought and won.

Rubberstamp Wed 11-Sep-13 05:29:45

I am in a different country to my parents (although they moved not me but haven't been within 200 miles since I was 17). I miss the practical help. My parents are Europe, my sister Australia and my brother in Canada - I'm the only one in the uk. Because there has always been distance I don't miss them (we Skype weekly and talk/email every few days) but would love them to be closer to help out with their grandchildren. They love doing this but are obviously too far away. My in laws are close but sadly aren't the helping type. What is ironic is that my family is really close despite the distances between us whereas my other half's family who are all in this area hardly ever see each other. He sees his siblings less than I see mine and they (all four) live within 3 miles of each other! Close in distance does not make a close family.

SubliminalMassaging Wed 11-Sep-13 05:32:57

No. If I had to see my mother any more often I think I'd kill her.

nooka Wed 11-Sep-13 05:34:21

I am 7180 km away from my mother (give or take), and it takes about 18 hours traveling time. My father died earlier this year and yes I was sad not to be closer, but I talk to my mother every week and she has just visited us, which was lovely (although after 10 days I was exhausted!)

Terramirabilis Wed 11-Sep-13 05:42:15

I wish I had the problem of being 100 miles away!!! I am west coast US and my family are in the UK. I have no one here apart from my husband and his family. My parents can be difficult but still I would like to see them more than what will probably be every two years at best for now. Can't afford to go home more often than that. Even if we went back, it'd just be reversing the situation and putting the lonely expat thing on my husband. Don't want to sound too negative - we have a great life here which we couldn't afford where I'm from, but still it's hard.

Longdistance Wed 11-Sep-13 05:46:15

I have lived in Oz nearly two years now, and bitterly regret moving here.

I've been homesick A LOT, like almost constantly, and miss my parents like crazy.

Dd2 was only 3 months old when we moved over, and could have done with the help and support of my mum and dad, db, and friends, as dd1 was 2yo and a right handful.

I also broke my leg in April, and had surgery. This had a major impact on me really wanting to go home, or leaving dh on his own. A tearful phone call to my mum, and I just cried like a baby, and really wanted my mum there. As both my parents cannot get travel insurance because of ill health, they couldn't come out to Oz to help.

There is a silver lining in my cloud, dh has just been made redundant, and we are moving back to the Uk. We should be HOME early October grin
<does cartwheels with dodgy limp>

Lavenderhoney Wed 11-Sep-13 05:59:54

I've always lived since 16 at least 2 hours drive from my parents. I had to, to get the career I wanted. And i wanted to, i never felt i couldnt cope without mum and dad to make decisions for me. They were/ are rather controlling and negative about change and doing something different, from disagreeing with midwives/ hair style to buying a house without their say-so.

Now we are abroad a lot, but phone lots- no Skype as she doesn't do computers. I send photos.

It would be nice to be closer, now dm is infirm and ill, but work dictates we don't. My dm would not be happy anyway if we took a lower salary package to be near her, as she is not a close mum and never has been.

I have no idea how I will feel if my dc decide to leave like I did and live plane rides away. I hope it won't be to get away from me!

NightmareWalking Wed 11-Sep-13 11:47:38

We're 120 miles away from my parents and 200 odd miles away from inlaws. I wish we were closer to my parents as they could then have more of a relationship with DD - I'm happy speaking twice weekly/skyping/visiting every other month for myself.

Distance between us an inlaws is less of a problem tbh as this way DH can pretend the distance is why they're not so close and its nothing to do with the fact his DB is the golden child.

We're hoping to move an hour or so closer to both sets next year though.

CatAmongThePigeons Wed 02-Oct-13 18:42:21

I miss living near to my mother, even though we clash a lot. She lives about 4.5 hours away and I really miss having her about and spending more time with her DGC. My mum was/is a single parent and she was such a great support to me and I miss having a hug.

My DC miss her too, to the point that DS1 wants to move to where she lives.

FurryDogMother Wed 02-Oct-13 18:50:31

I'm spending my life traveling back and forth between Ireland (where DH and I live) and the UK (where Dad, 86, lives) at the moment - been doing it for the past year since he broke his hip, since when he has also broken his wrist and been diagnosed with mixed dementia. Despite the ongoing requirement for me to do this, I don't regret moving (to Ireland, 14 years ago) for a moment - I love living where I do, and whenever I manage to get back here (arrived home yesterday after 2 and a half months in the UK), I just feel all the tension draining away. It's close enough for me to get back within a day or so as and when Dad needs me, and I'm lucky in that my DH is very understanding of the situation (we went through something similar with his UK-based Dad a few years back).

The benefits of living somewhere I love outweigh the difficulties of being so far from Dad.

ProfYaffle Wed 02-Oct-13 18:58:59

I live 350 miles from my parents. I love living where I do now, we have a far better quality of life and it's ideal for the dc. Having the distance is actually good for us I think, my parents can be overbearing and if they were round the corner I'd be demented!

However, pil are an hour's drive away and are now quite elderly so can't offer any practical day to day help either.

It is hard not having any family support but we've not known anything else so are used to it. I do also get a pang of nostalgia about my home town and would love to visit a bit more often. Realistically though, I don't think I'd be happy living there again.

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