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My DP doesn't contribute and won't take responsibility.

(84 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:17:32

I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't give me much money at all. He just wastes it. Last month he contributed nothing to household bills and expenses. I've gone through almost all my savings.
Next month my income won't cover our outgoings. He won't agree to spend less and just keeps going on about claiming housing benefit. I scared we are going to lose everything.
If I leave him though, I won't be able to go to work at all and then I'd lose my house anyway.
Can't remember the last time I was this cross and sad.

dreamingbohemian Tue 10-Sep-13 22:54:40

I don't mean to be harsh but why the fuck have you been letting him take money out of your account for gambling??? Shut it down, cancel the gym and Sky. If he won't give you money willingly then I'm sorry but you're a fool to keep handing it over to him on luxuries when you're skint. If he really wants them he can pay for them himself.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:55:38


He is withdrawing money from YOUR account to piss up the wall gambling?!

And add up the phone (what? £20 a month?), gym membership (£30?) and sky sports (guessing at another £20) and you have £70 a month right there.

this guy is a cunt. Sorry but there it is. He is taking money for luxuries and gambling while you worry about keeping your home and feeding your child.

If you add up what he spends every month, I bet it would make a massive difference towhat you can afford if he left. Go onto, I bet you will be able to claim more than you think.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds Tue 10-Sep-13 22:58:14

Gambling. FFS. If I didn't feel so bad for you OP I would be a bit pee'd off with a drip feed of such gargantuan proportions.

You are worrying yourself sick about keeping food on the table and a roof over your heads and he has a gambling problem?

Stop enabling him and cancel all access to your money. Cancel all those extras too - gym membership? Give me a break.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 23:04:25

Another thought, I think that you do need to change your account because as long as he knows your account number he can re link he paypal and clear you out, same if he knows your PIN.

It sounds extreme but as long as you are living with him, I would set up a mail re direction for your post so that he cant intercept your new account details and keep them somewhere secure that he cant access (in a locked cash box at a friends or at work?).

When you pull the plug on his reckless spending, expect him to get nasty in order to get the funds he needs, so contact for advice and support

YeahWhat Tue 10-Sep-13 23:04:38

How about having a really close look at all your and your DPs expenses. Use the Money Saving Experts Statement of Affairs to help you calculate exactly where your money goes.

You could even post your completed 'statement of affairs' on Money Saving Expert. You will get lots of good advice about where your DP you can cut back.

If you have the correct info then it may help your doozy, selfish DP understand why he is a pillock

ModeratelyObvious Tue 10-Sep-13 23:15:50

You can't afford gym membership and sky sports. Both might have a notice period so cancel them ASAP.

Tell him to do the housing benefit form if he thinks it's such a good idea. You can just sign it as required.

And you need to stop the PayPal thing. But you know that.

Monty27 Wed 11-Sep-13 00:15:35

Cardiff I had one like this. He moved into my home (I have two older dc's living with me, well one is at Uni and as a single parent I always did my best to support her).

I'd managed before he moved in, just. We earned the same. Next thing I know I'm dipping into my savings, because he doesn't have any, to afford his lifestyle of golf, pubbing, and generally visiting his family (in UK but costly).

He wouldn't listen. A long story but in the end, I decided that, ultimately my dc's were paying for his lifestyle, from the money I earned to make their lives as comfortable as I could.

And I dumped him. Just like that. I could see it going on and on until I was in debt and my and dc's security was in jeopardy. He brought nothing to the table in terms of equity either, and was questioning how he would be looked after if anything were to happen to me (including pensions rights and accommodation etc. confused

What a prick he was, I'm sure he knew what he was doing.

So I repeat, dump him, before he drags you down with him. angry

KristyThomas Wed 11-Sep-13 06:17:29

I can't believe the nerve of this guy!

You've already had some great suggestions re changing bank accounts, stopping PayPal, etc. But make sure he realises the full implications of what's at stake here. You've told him the house is at risk and he's not bothered - that's because it's a joint problem and he'll be expecting you to find a solution, like you always do. Make sure he knows that his relationship is at stake here too, because that will cause a lot of problems for him personally: losing his partner, losing the person who pays pretty much all his expenses, suddenly having to find money for CSA payments... Contributing what he can now is a lot better than the alternative, but he won't do it unless he sees 'the alternative' as a genuine threat.

KristyThomas Wed 11-Sep-13 06:18:45

Sorry, my post wasn't clear - I meant make sure he realises the full implications of what's at stake IN ADDITION to the suggestions from other posters.

ModeratelyObvious Wed 11-Sep-13 07:03:16

OP, as he does more childcare than you, you might want to speak to a solicitor about how the courts would see residency.

QuintessentialOldDear Wed 11-Sep-13 08:04:31

Tell your bank you will pick up your card and pin-codes at the branch!

He cant give you any of his own salary because he is a gambling addict, and will have spent it all on gambling.

Does he have debts you do or dont know about?

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 08:18:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 09:48:54

I am just on my break at work at the moment so I've only got time for a quick reply.
Things seem a lot more stark in the cold light of day. I am definitely going to the bank on my way home to make an appointment to set up a new bank account.

Could anyone elaborate on the residency situation. Is it likely if I broke up with him that he would get full custody?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:53:50

He's very unlikely to get custody with a gambling addiction...

Are you actually married?

Twinklestein Wed 11-Sep-13 09:55:21

If not did he jointly sign the birth register?

dreamingbohemian Wed 11-Sep-13 10:02:18

Start collecting evidence now -- as much as you can about his gambling and financial irresponsibility. Then see a solicitor for a free half-hour and see what they think. It would be daft for them to give custody to someone who might be able to provide more childcare but might also put gambling ahead of rent and food, but a solicitor can give you proper advice.

It's also possible that the threat of separation, combined with proper counselling, might turn your DP around. Has he always been this bad?

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 10:11:06

Courts would probably start with a 50/50 agreement. Would that be a bad thing? Despite his irresponsibility towards money, is there any reason why you wouldn't be happy with your DS being in his care? If you pushed the gambling problem to demonstrate that he has addict-type behaviour meaning he can't be guaranteed to put DS's safety paramount, you could probably swing residency more in your favour, but would you want to do that? Him having your DS half of the time would mean you could continue working more easily.

There is a possibility he could push to have DS more to claim more benefits (to subsidise his addiction), or he could even decide he doesn't want the responsibility at all.

You are probably best placed to anticipate what his next move would be. Whatever you think that is likely to be, you cannot allow fear to prevent you from doing what is best for you and DS now. If you do nothing you will lose your home, DS will be homeless and have to change schools anyway, you will probably lose your job (pretty sure DP will disappear at this point, so you'll have no childcare anyway, plus you'll need to spend time trying to sort out accommodation, etc).

IF you kick him out, you will be in control of the pace of things. You can organise childcare for shift patterns (it does exist. Contact your local Children's Information Service), re-establish control over your bank account, get some advice about residency and then get your DP to leave when it suits you.

Good luck.

OhDearNigel Wed 11-Sep-13 10:31:48

So he thinks you should take benefit money designed to help people in need so that he doesn't have to stop his Sky Sports subscription ????

QuintessentialOldDear Wed 11-Sep-13 11:36:29

It is more like he wants the tax payers to fund his gambling...

Bogeyface Wed 11-Sep-13 12:25:33

£125 from First Direct if you switch your account to them. They have good reports and its free money for something you are going to do anyway, and you can apply online.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:38:10

I have been to the bank today and made an appointment tomorrow to open a new account.
I feel very down. I'm normally a very optimistic person but I can't see any of this going well.
I am going to look at the gamblers anonymous website as well. Perhaps talking to some people with similar experiences will help. I'm supposed to be meeting a friend later. I will have to summon my energy so I don't spend the evening looking like I have been slapped with a wet fish!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Wed 11-Sep-13 15:55:08

In answer to some of the earlier questions:

No, we are not married, but he is named on the birth certificate.

I wouldn't have any problem with a 50/50 custody. It's getting him to agree with it, or in fact engage with me about anything at the moment. This afternoon it seems I'm getting the silent treatment. I really don't know what he thinks he is trying to achieve. I'm just so worn down and bloody tired by the whole thing.

Dahlen Wed 11-Sep-13 16:44:25

I'm sorry it feels so overwhelming. sad Often it's the sheer relentlessness of a poor relationship that wears us down, rather than a specific event.

If he won't engage I think you have to treat that as your carte blanche to go ahead and remove him from any decision making. It's the only way to retain your sanity. He's had ample opportunity to change and be involved in a solution and has chosen to ignore that.

Silverfoxballs Wed 11-Sep-13 16:59:09

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RandomMess Wed 11-Sep-13 18:13:06

So sad to read your updates. I'm afraid he is a gambling addict and the quicker you seperate financially the better. Ex-BIL wasted at least £150k that we know about, SIL lost the house and he lied and lied and lied.

Meeting up with a friend will be worth the effort. Ensure that the paypal account cannot be transfered over to the new account. The other thing that BIL did was take out lots of credit cards and loans and gambled all of that - he kept on meeting up with postman so SIL had no clue that he was doing that again angry

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