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My DP doesn't contribute and won't take responsibility.

(84 Posts)
CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 21:17:32

I don't know what to do anymore. He doesn't give me much money at all. He just wastes it. Last month he contributed nothing to household bills and expenses. I've gone through almost all my savings.
Next month my income won't cover our outgoings. He won't agree to spend less and just keeps going on about claiming housing benefit. I scared we are going to lose everything.
If I leave him though, I won't be able to go to work at all and then I'd lose my house anyway.
Can't remember the last time I was this cross and sad.

Silverfoxballs Tue 10-Sep-13 22:03:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:08:14

I don't know the password for his PayPal QOD, I could try and guess, but I don't want to get caught trying to hack it.

Silverfox, this is what I tried to tonight. I sat down with paper and pens and went through my statements.
I made some lists:
Cardiff's outgoings
Mr Cardiff's outgoings
Joint outgoings


Cardiff income
Mr Cardiff income

And then

Total unstoppable direct debits vs my wages. This is where the sums really don't add up. It was all there for him to see. He didn't want to look at it. So I read it out to him. Like I said he wouldn't even look at me. He just kept staring at his laptop and telling me that if we submitted a claim for housing benefit that would help sort it out. No question of him spending less, or even acknowledging he is spending too much. confused

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:09:21

You need to give him an ultimatum: man up or get out.

You basically have 2 kids & one of them is costing you an awful lot of money.

The fact that he doesn't even listen when you talk money speaks volumes: he's selfish & immature & doesn't seem to have grasped the necessary sacrifices involved when you have kids. He thinks you're going to bankroll him.

I reckon if you added up what he costs you - you would be horrified. And it will probably pay for far more childcare than you realise.

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:10:51


RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:11:30

YOu can apply for housing benefit btw but they won't take the mortgage payments into account.

I would make it your priority tomorrow to cancel all unnecessary DDs and apply for council tax and housing benefits.

fuckwittery Tue 10-Sep-13 22:15:18

Are you eligible for housing benefit? Clearly if you are you should claim it, but doesn't absolve him of responsibility!

wheredidiputit Tue 10-Sep-13 22:15:55

Why does he think you would get housing benefit. Haven't the rules changed. Although you may get if he leaves.

Stop all direct debit which are his. Make him give you his paypal account login and change the link to your account. Stop access to your account, if he won't pay to bring up his child then he certainly shouldn't taking more from you.

Make it clear to him that he is depriving his child by being a tight arse. FWIW when I was on my youth training scheme (in the late 80's) I got £27 per week and I still gave my mum £10 for 'housekeeping'

QuintessentialOldDear Tue 10-Sep-13 22:16:32

Look here, if you are on income support, or some other benefits, you may be able to claim relief against the interest on your mortgage.

Also help with the rent element is explained here:

This does not mean that he should not pay, or that you should continue paying his direct debits!

QuintessentialOldDear Tue 10-Sep-13 22:17:15

I think you can contact your bank and ask if they can unlink your bank account from paypal.

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:19:44

I missed the bit about his paypal account - yep perhaps just shut your account down!

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:19:46

Random - when he lost his job in the spring I looked online to see if we would be entitled to housing benefit. It calculated £7 per week. Now he is back at work I assume this amount would be reduced. It hardly seems worth it when the form to fill in seems ridiculously complex and you have to provide a huge amount of documentation.

QuintessentialOldDear Tue 10-Sep-13 22:21:35

I dont think you need to close your account, just do a transfer service to another bank. Go through with them what direct debits you are keeping, and tell them you are NOT keeping paypal.

Is paypal not connected to your DEBIT card? If so, can you just cancel your card and get a new one?

RandomMess Tue 10-Sep-13 22:27:19

I was wondering if it was via the debit card too but I think it is actually your bank account - certainly mine is... but mine is linked to pay money into my bank account as well as take it out?

QuintessentialOldDear Tue 10-Sep-13 22:28:56

Mine puts money into my bank account (when I ask paypal to transfer, as otherwise it just stays in my paypal account), and outgoing payments from my debit card.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:30:04

Yes, it is definitely linked to my bank account. Very occasionally he pays menu in via it grin
I might pop to the bank tomorrow and ask them for some advice.
Although I feel a bit stupid doing so. What do I say? My boyfriend is a twat and because of this I need to close my bank account and open a new one?

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:30:47

If you contact your bank then they should be able to stop the Paypal for you.

If you change your bank account then check out the offers, I think Halifax is currently offering £100 to transfer to them.

And then, give him an ultimatum, he either pays you £X per month on payday or he moves out the day after. And do not back down.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:34:49

Thanks Bogey.

I will start by cancelling his direct debits and PayPal. Perhaps then he will realise I'm serious.
He just came into the bedroom and asked if I wanted any toast. Like the entire conversation and subsequent row had never happened. Unbelievable.

fuckwittery Tue 10-Sep-13 22:38:39

Ok, so 7 pounds a week housing benefit probably less or nothing is not going to get you out of the financial difficulties. Does he understand that?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:40:16

I think he does realise that, but if he can blame our problems on me not submitting the claim then that means its not his fault anymore. He is really very bad at accepting he is wrong or that anything is his fault.

Bogeyface Tue 10-Sep-13 22:42:17

What other DD do you pay? His phone contract? Car Insurance etc?

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:45:31

His phone, his gym membership and Sky Sports. So not a lot. The PayPal is the big one. He withdraws a lot of money via PayPal. Mainly for gambling on football matches. I wasn't going to talk about the gambling on this thread, but it's where a lot of his money goes.

morethanpotatoprints Tue 10-Sep-13 22:50:25

OP, I agree with most of what has been said so far, you can't keep paying for him.
The fact he is not listening imo is because he doesn't understand money and finances at all.
You are wasting your time trying to get through to him because you won't.
You need to control all the money that comes into the house and manage it accordingly. If he is going to behave like a child and you are going to stay with him then he can learn how to manage pocket money like a child.

CardiffUniversityNetballTeam Tue 10-Sep-13 22:51:42

Thanks to everyone for the replies this evening. It's amazing how comforting the advice and kind words of total strangers is when you're having a bad time.

I have to be up for work early so I will check in again tomorrow, hopefully with something more positive to say!!

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:51:46

The gambling casts an entirely new light on things...

Twinklestein Tue 10-Sep-13 22:52:46

Xpost again. Sleep well!

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