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Am I in abusive relationship?

(16 Posts)
Anyonedotcom Tue 10-Sep-13 21:13:51

Sorry for copy and pasting but posted on EA thread but had no response as yet so thought id start my own thread. Also I posted a thread last week which I will find and link to in case helps give more insight.

Hello to you all. First of I just want to say I'm not sure if I actually belong here but for a while I've had a feeling something isn't right but I can't quite put my finger on what it is my mind seems foggy and when I try to think of particular Things my OH does that may be abusive of even wrong I find I can't think straight -is that crazy?

Dear jackie I've just read your entire thread and a lot of what was posted resonated with me and my relationship. Particularly the bits about not being able to brig up anything negative about a partner even if done tactfully and kindly to try and discuss it like mature adults it will end up in an argument with him listedthigs I do to him or he will go off and sulk and be passive aggressive. I feel on tip toes around him, I don't feel truly loved. He does a lot for me in terms of housework and looking after kids. But he isn't very nice a lot of the time.

Tonight he got annoyed because our ds didn't want him to put him to bed so he stormed upstairs, I remarked 'thanks a lot" then he launched into shouting At me that I flthink I'm great? And how do I think he feels that his son doesn't want him. He did apologise but I never feel his apology are sincere because the behaviour continues. Now he is in our room and I feel like I've done wrong as I'm been give. Fhe cold shoulder. I'm not sure if I am making sense I'm quite confused sorry.

I tend not to even bother bringing up anything I'm not happy with because he will never address the issue. One weird thig he also does is not ever react when I cry he just ignores me even when it's not as a result of an argument or about him it is very hurtful so now I just don't cry around him. He told me it is because he usd to hear his mum crying every night when she spilt from his dad and he found a suicide nnote she had wrote. Yes tat would be very distressing but wry does that mean he cannot have any empathy or even want to comfort me when I cry?

Sorry not sure what else to write bit of background we have been together 6 years- have 2 kids 8 yr old dd (obv not his) and 2.5 ds.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Sep-13 21:19:06

It does sound like abusive behaviour.

Reacting like that because your son didn't want him to put him to bed is just weird and very immature.

Anyonedotcom Tue 10-Sep-13 21:21:24

Thanks for your response, yes a lot of his behaviour is immature he is almost 30. I've copied and pasted again my op in the previous thread:
Sorry slightly ambiguous and misleading title but don't want partner to read this he knows I come on here.

We har just argued over something silly but important principle. We have a chaise lounge? (sp) it has been assumed that it is his seat, whenever anyone else sits in it he tells them to move (myself or child) whenever he has been confronted by me about it it blows up into ab argument where he sulks off saying "fine you sit there I'm going to bed" so I had stopped bothering to question him. He has "allowed" me to sit there a few times including my birthday! And I am meant to feel privileged.

Well tonight after being banished yet again I decided to pursue it again, suprise suprise he reacted te same way and stormed off! So I followed asking him why can't he e mature about it and why diss he think it is acceptable to go on like this. He reacted by ignoring me and vein passive agreesive saying why are you making a big deal and fine I'll never sit there again. I got angry and said fuck you immature I know but I was wound up.

I'm so confused why does he do this he is an intelligent man he knows it is totally not on.
I'm sad and angry.

1 hour later he has apologised and said he was out of order and he won't do it again but I've heard that before :-(

Dearjackie Tue 10-Sep-13 21:25:45

Hi , I have just written a reply to you in the emotional abusive relationships thread x

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Sep-13 21:28:29

Is he like this about everything? Not only is it immature but bloody exhausting, I imagine. It must be like living with a teenager.

Anyonedotcom Tue 10-Sep-13 21:31:58

Thank-you dearjackie

Lois yes he is like this a lot, which is why I mostly let him do what he wants as I can't be bothered with the immaturity ad relentlessness of it all.

LoisPuddingLane Tue 10-Sep-13 21:35:25

Well it sounds like he has found a behaviour that really works for him. By the way, just to mention as an aside - you say He does a lot for me in terms of housework and looking after kids. It's not for you - it's for the family. He has equal responsibility here, so he's not doing housework and looking after kids for you. It's just as much his responsibility.

Mind you from what you are saying, he probably doesn't act like it is.

Dearjackie Tue 10-Sep-13 21:37:21

anyone I know that in my ex's case his behaviour was extremely immature. I wrote a few posts on here when I went through the worst times and many commented it sounded like he was 14. It was so hard to see it all clearly for a long time ( still is at times) because he could be such fun, romantic and good company at other times. But god knows if I annoyed him or broached a subject he didn't want to discuss he was like jeckell and Hyde.

It really helped me to pst on here and I got some wonderful help. Keep posting and let your feelings out

Anyonedotcom Tue 10-Sep-13 21:49:05

lois up until very recently he was a sahd whilst I worked and studied for a degree. So he did the lions share.

anyone it's sounds as if our partners are very similar, is there anywhere i can look/read to help gain more insight into his personality?

The way he reacts leaves me flummoxed tbh because I cannot fathom that he is an intelligent man yet cannot take any criticism or accept any wrong doing.

Dearjackie Tue 10-Sep-13 21:54:51

Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That is worth a read. It explains the different types of abusive personalities

Ginga66 Tue 10-Sep-13 22:12:42

He sounds just like my dh. He is very immature about possessions. Today I drank from his water bottle ffs and he said not to. He also doesn't react with empathy when I cry. His parents were divorced. Having met his family and read and asked around I am now certain he is emotionally abusive but also probably on the autistic spectrum.
I think it's very helpfu to look at the parents, siblings etc. his sister and dad are unemotional people and very poor with emotions as is dh.
His mother is of the type that denies there is a problem, never apologises or takes responsibility and cannot see her fault. Dh has these traits too.
He is very good with the kids but at times he inflicts his world view on them or us impatient and sometimes even a little bullying.
Like ur dh he does house work and is an excellent dad giving kids lots of cuddles, play etc.
I won even get started on my shortcomings and diagnoses, I have plenty. The difference is I have insight and try to address them and I can see the patterns of the past.
Where it becomes v v hard is when the other partner cannot engage on an adult level. Where do u go from there. I also have stopped trying to raise issues because h does not seem able to have a calm discussion about his shortcomings.
I love him and am attracted to him, tell him how handsome he is, good dad, try to be physical etc. however he never initiates anything or says anything nice about me anymore.
Sometimes I wonder did he copy some stp by step guide on how to woo a woman then stop bothering when we got married.
If he went to talk to dr or therapist, got diagnosis and treatment it would be brilliant but some idiot psychologist mistook his detachment for serenity and told him he was evolved and he has never let it go! I would sack the bitch she has caused me so much grief.
I don't know the answer. Stay and endure bad behaviour and loneliness. Leave and hurt kids and self.
Maybe ur partner may step u and seek help. Reate?

RhondaJean Tue 10-Sep-13 22:27:36

Is there a particular reason you need to sit in that seat or drink from that water bottle?

Because tbh I would hate it if you did that with my things. Some people just like their own possessionas and routines a bit more than others.

Neither of your DH are reacting well but I don't see why you need to do that. You may label it immature but i understand why someone using your things and disturbing your routines is annoying.

The rest though, I would agree is st very best borderline abusive.

scallopsrgreat Tue 10-Sep-13 22:46:33

Well as she said "we have a chaise lounge" presumably it's both of theirs, RhondaJean? He has just commandeered it as 'his'. Even if it is 'his' they live together, share a life together. Why on earth can't she sit on one of the seats in the house? It is incredibly territorial. The sofas in our house are 'mine' i.e. I bought them before I met my partner. Perhaps I should only let him sit on them for his birthday? The bed is his though. So maybe we'll only sleep together on my birthday?

Anyonedotcom, he is certainly displaying childish behaviour. The whole incident with your son this evening is him putting his feelings above everyone else's. That is certainly a red flag. Does he do that alot?

Anyonedotcom Wed 11-Sep-13 08:18:41

Thanks scallopsrgreat you've hit the nail on the head. It is a corner sofa with a chaise lounge attached it isn't his! It's communal.

ginga66 yes they do sound similar, I have asked him to get help in the past for his anger issues, as he does particularly tell off dd a lot and has a go for things I would leave. He has never got help and he has tried to be better with dd but it's lasts a while then it will start again.

His family are very nice, his sister is great totally screwed on well adjusted. His dad is very outgoing and caring though quite selfish personality.
His mother is nice, she is quiet. One time he shouted at me when she was visiting I can't remember now what it was about but I had had enough and told him so and that I wanted him to go, she got very upset and started crying and pleaded with me not to break up the family.

LoisPuddingLane Wed 11-Sep-13 08:36:21

Perhaps it echoed stuff she had gone through with her husband.

MothershipG Wed 11-Sep-13 08:52:14

Rhonda I think you are missing the point a little bit, it's not about the possessions, it's about the complete over-reaction in relation to them.

In our house the corner of the sofa is mine and children and dogs are shifted if I want to sit there but I love and respect DH as an equal so no way would I behave in the manner these posters have described if he sat there!

Sorry I haven't got anything more helpful to add OP, but if you're having to walk on eggshells that's not a good sign.

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