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Husband left and took our two boys !

(45 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Minnie05 Tue 10-Sep-13 12:58:22

My husband left last week and took our two boys with him to be honest we haven't been getting on for a while. But I thought after a couple of days he would bring them back (he has taken them before and bought them back) This time however he turned up with a court summons to keep me away from them all ! I couldn't believe what he had done ! My dad passed away a year ago and I'm on anti depressants ! He tried to claim that if he wasn't here some sort of harm would come to our children ! I was totally gobsmacked ! I have never harmed my children even when I was at my lowest point I never touched them ! I can't believe this from a man who was supposed to love and protect me. Anyway we went to court yesterday he has moved so far away it took me three hours to get there. Basically the outcome was they stay with him during the week and I get them Friday till Sunday. I'm absolutely devastated I haven't seen them for over a week now and I wasn't allowed to phone them I spoke to them on the phone yesterday after the judge told my husband I could have as much phone time as I wanted. My youngest broke my heart when he heard my voice he said I miss you mummy where are you. I feel constantly sick I can't eat I can't sleep and I can't stop crying !

Offred Sat 14-Sep-13 10:03:15

I think being fair what the posters were getting at is that normally it is frowned upon to uproot children drastically like this in terms of both changing their geographical location and who is the main carer. That is not something courts normally support.

These threads are always really hard because it is very possible there has been an injustice in that when it came to court the current situation was considered the one that there was a presumption not to change through no fault of the OP's. Of course it is possible there is more to the story.

But on the basic facts I think any parent who steals children away from the other is pretty awful tbh. I've had a very abusive ex, I know others who have too and I don't believe anything justifies that when you can perfectly effectively rely on courts to protect children from abuse if you push them to.

That's what is awful to me and I would feel that way whether it was a man who had done a flit or a woman.

kilmuir Sat 14-Sep-13 09:58:47

I do not understand why its so awful. He is their father. Op may not be the ideal main parent. Typical mumsnet

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 14-Sep-13 09:51:42

Seems to me that the SAHP has followed MN requirements to the letter, and that as the SAHP has left before only to return and for things not to improve they have finally found the strength to leave and protect their children in doing so.

WhiteandGreen Sat 14-Sep-13 00:40:11

Do you believe your DH cares for them well?

AllThreeWays Sat 14-Sep-13 00:11:14

^ and they often

AllThreeWays Sat 14-Sep-13 00:10:03

A family has split up. one parent has care. The other parent has them every weekend. Seems normal to me. You have the best bit of the week with them OP. This happens to men all the time, any often get less access.

springydafty Fri 13-Sep-13 23:22:50

Get a thread bunda. YOu can snark on that to your heart's content. leave it out on this one.

OhDearNigel Fri 13-Sep-13 23:14:16

Google Bar Probono unit. They may be able to help fix you up with a free barrister. All chambers do probono (charitable) cases.
Good luck xxx

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 23:09:52

Oh yes silly me he's a man so must be abusive
And women can never be the ones at fault.

springydafty Fri 13-Sep-13 23:08:03

Because abusive men can take the children and spin a yarn about the mother to the PTB. By the time it is sorted out, the kids are settled in the new address, and the courts won't shunt them about. So the courts order that they stay put.

Have you spoken to Womens Aid OP? 0808 2000 247. Call between 7pm and 7am as the lines are busy during the day.

Were you the SAHP?

CoffeeTea103 Fri 13-Sep-13 19:58:48

I'm thinking the same as alibaba and bundaberg. There is more to this story. The court wouldn't just uproot the kids from their home, school, family without a valid reason. He is their father so why shouldn't he have the same support.

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 15:54:15

and as others have said, we don't know the details. I am guessing that there is far more to this than what has been posted

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 15:53:37

the court allowed the children to stay with the parent they were living with. which was not the mother.

if he took the children to a safe place, was caring for them, had them in school and the mother didn't try and get them back then I can totally see why the courts wouldn't just judge that they should be removed from him!

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 15:50:17

As i said after Bundaberg, the courts normally allow the children to stay with the SAHP, so the children arent shunted about.

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 15:43:51

"Im amazed that he was allowed to keep them with him, "

why??? he is their father!

Ezio Fri 13-Sep-13 15:27:21

Im amazed that he was allowed to keep them with him, i assume you were a SAHM, i thought the courts dont like to upset the balance.

Also as their mother, i thought you had a say so in where they live and their schooling.

It seems your role as a mother has been almost ignored. Will they take the 8 year olds opinion into account, or is he too young.

TheDietStartsTomorrow Fri 13-Sep-13 15:17:05

Without knowing anything about the OP and without hearing te husbands side of the story, we cannot by default assume he is being unfair. Yes, a mother has rights but so does a father and above all, so do the children.

Why it acceptable for a woman to make secret plans to leave a husband but not acceptable for a man to do so?
Why is it okay for a woman to have the kids on the weekdays and dad to have them on weekends and not okay if this was reversed?
Does anyone know anything about why the judge ruled that way? Does anyone know anything about the reasons why it was claimed tht the children could be harmed?
What about scenarios where it was later on realised that the children did suffer abuse at the hands of the mother or thy she wasn't mentally or physically able to look after the kids?

Yes, the advice to take legal advice is the correct thing here but not one of us was in that court room when the judge made his decision to allow the children to live with the father and to automatically have sympathy for one party in the equation here without knowing the full side of the story is an injustice.

cestlavielife Fri 13-Sep-13 14:20:24

if they do come back to live with you, what will the arrangements for contact with dad b? what will you be proposing?
those are thins to think about too

cestlavielife Fri 13-Sep-13 14:18:13

given that you are apparently seeing them every weekend from friday to monday here are clearly no concerns over your abiity to care for them.

hold onto those days with them.
be strong for them when you with them.

so you need to speak to solicitor about his presumed arguments for taking them away (has he moved closer to his family?)

depession/bereavement/being on ADs alone is not a good reason. there must be more to it than that. (on his side or yours or both eg any violence between you? )

how will they travel to and from you?

nameequality Fri 13-Sep-13 14:02:00

nameequality Fri 13-Sep-13 14:01:23

OP - please phone [[]].

Does their Dad work? Do you? Were you the primary carer? How can the court agree to removal from the primary carer? Hope you can get some good advice soon.

bundaberg Fri 13-Sep-13 13:55:17

i was going to post exactly the same as alibaba.

OP, i hope that you can move forward with this and that you are able to access legal help.

Lilyloo Fri 13-Sep-13 13:49:06

I would be very surprised that a judge has given primary care to the father and allowed him to take them out of their home / school without some previous history more than the op being on anti depressants.

I agree that good legal advice is very important right now op.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 13-Sep-13 13:43:05

Everyone leaping on this with outrage, just stop and think about the countless threads on here where the advice given to the woman wanting to leave her relationship in difficult circumstances.

Make plans
Don't tell him what you are doing
See a lawyer
Make sure you have all your financial info

Seems that this man has done all of the above.

We have no idea what has gone on in this relationship, none.

PTFO Fri 13-Sep-13 13:38:15

This sounds VERY planned. school places a three hr drive away, new home, uniforms, untilities, job EVERYTHING! A whole new life.

Your ex has thought this through in advance, spoken to a lawyer and ripped you apart.

How many mums do you think are on anti-depressants? shitloads, no judge would take kids off a mother on these, without evidence that you had done something so terrible. what is it he's saying you have done?

Talk to a very good lawyer NOW, sod the costs if it means getting them back, do u have family that can help?
Get character refs, gp notes anything that could help, neighbors anyone that can back you up as being a good solid mum.

I really hope you sort this out. I don't understand how your allowed them at weekend but not live with you if what he thinks you had done was so bad IYKWIM. you should be able to speak to them anytime!!

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