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Perv or starved of affection?

(38 Posts)
SnottyMorag Tue 10-Sep-13 08:22:33

My partner and I have only been together around 14 months and already it feels like we're an old married couple. He barely comes near me. He's not nasty to me or anything like that, we go out together, watch tv and movies together, talk etc but there is no affection there from him. He'll be intimate around twice a week but its become really obvious that this is for my benefit only (I have to instigate and he never seems that enthusiastic) but there is no touching, no caressing or anything else. Last night we were sat watching tv, he was laying on me do I was stroking his head and back etc, he enjoys it but I never get it back from him. At 11.15 we went to bed and he brought that fucking iPad up to play on. Now I've long suspected that he uses this as a distraction from having to be physical with me in bed (he'll play on that until I'm too tired for anything else) and last night he proved it. As soon as we got into bed I asked if he was playing on iPad, he said yes so I said "ok goodnight" when he realised I was going straight to sleep he suddenly changed his mind and said he couldn't be arsed with the iPad and was also going straight to sleep.

So we're in bed and he has his arm around me ABOVE the covers with a bit of duvet squashed inbetween us like a physical barrier confused I moved his arm into the covers and laid his hand on my breast, he half heartedly moved his hand about a bit and then put his arm back on top of the covers and said goodnight. Got a bit upset at this point and asked why he never shows any interest in me of ever wants to touch me, he said he loved me and I was being silly but I miss that touch so much I sometimes fantasise about having a NSA affair just to feel wanted again. He just doesn't get it, I'm not on about full sex, but is it too much to expect a stroke of the boobs in bed etc? We never do oral either, he did it twice at the beginning of our relationship, since then I've done it a few times to him with little response so I've given up :-( feeling a bit rejected. Doesn't help that st the weekend he got drunk and shouted that he didn't love me and didn't want me near him :-( he swears that was all bollocks but his behaviour supports it doesn't it.

lemonmuffin Wed 11-Sep-13 14:20:31

'but his behaviour supports it doesn't it.'

Yes it does. he doesn't want you. No idea why, maybe there's some complicated issue going on with him, but it's up to you if you can put up with it and try to sort it. Don't think I could though.

rainbowfeet Wed 11-Sep-13 14:28:49

Hate to give this kind of advice but if he's like this after only 14 months then I'd say there isn't much hope for the long term. Go & find someone who makes you happy, life's too short

TalkativeJim Wed 11-Sep-13 14:34:46

Get riiiiiid...

14 months? Don't even bother to analyse it. There is nothing here for you - MOVE ON!! Move on and be happy.

...and that's without even considering the fact that he might be using you as a cash cow for ?his mortgage... Imagine how used you'd feel if that transpired to be the case. How does that work by the way? Have you bought the house together? Or are you supplementing HIS asset?!

Either way, just get out. Or - you will really, really, REALLY live to regret it.

Darkesteyes Wed 11-Sep-13 14:36:40

Get out now Ive been in a sexless marriage for 17 years and had one affair It doesnt get any better.


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My Mother, Misogyny, Marriage and Me.
​ - Anon

Id like to start by saying thank you for this opportunity to speak out about this. I am an almost 40 year old woman currently living in a sexless marriage.

I met my then future husband in 1992 when I was 19 and he was 42. Being quite young I didn’t have a frame of reference for what sex should be like so when it was just basic penetration and nothing else I truly thought that that was just how it was.

In 1996 he stopped wanting to be with me in that way.

I turned to food. I gained a lot of weight. We were married in 1998.

I was brought up in an extremely closed household and as a Catholic ( a religion I rejected long ago) but I was taught growing up that marriage was what you did. I remember a conversation that took place between my mother and me when I was a teen. I was sounding off about things and said I never wanted to get married. She replied “Well what are you going to do then - become a nun?” The message that was frequently sold to me was that you did one or the other. I was also quite naïve for 25 and on my wedding day I still thought that the situation would somehow “right itself”.

And I still had sexual feelings for him at that point.

Over the next few years I gained a lot of weight. In 2002 while working in a sex chatline office I started a healthy eating plan while attending a diet class and over the next eighteen months I managed to lose ten stone. I began to feel incredibly lonely. Its not just the sexual act or the lack of it that is missing in situations like this. It is the loss of affection and emotional closeness that leaves the relationship too.

In June 2003 the day after my 30th birthday I started a new job. It was in that job I met *Adam. I began to feel very attracted to him and the feeling was mutual. I asked *Stuart to go to counselling. He didn’t want to and said it wasn’t worth it.

I began an affair with *Adam which lasted until January 2008. It was the most eye opening, passionate and exciting time of my life. I finally found out what making love could be like and how wonderful it could be.

I once made the mistake of confiding in my mother. I did this after someone else told me “She's your mother. Shell understand." My mother told me to stop acting like a whore. I explained that *Stuart hadn’t touched me for 7 years and she intimated that was because I was having an affair. But at that point I had only been seeing *Adam for 4 months.

I now know that the terminology for what my mother was doing is called gaslighting.

Then she began crying and banging her hand on the arm of the chair demanding that I stay with my husband. It was emotional abuse and blackmail. My mother comes from Italy and was brought up in a different culture. Shaming women for fulfilling their own needs seems to be part of the culture. I do realise though that this may be just my experience.

I should also say at this point that *Stuart (my husband) is unaware that this conversation with my mother took place even to this day. I continued my affair with *Adam.

In 2006 *Stuart had a massive heart attack and nearly died. He spent over a week in hospital. Just after one visit the staff nurse took me aside and said to me “He does love you you know. In his own way”. It wasn’t until later on that I was told by another professional that this was a manipulative thing for him to do that I started to wonder why on earth he could talk to a stranger when he couldn’t even talk to me. To this day I still don’t know what he said to that nurse.

I broke off my affair with *Adam for a short while to care for *Stuart when he came out of hospital.

I carried on with this dual life for about 18 months but something shifted with *Adam in that time. He became verbally abusive towards me. He would shout at me and lose his temper out of the blue. I ended the affair in January 2008. Even though there was bitterness towards the end losing such a big part of my life overnight nearly broke me.

I turned back to food and gained back half the weight id lost.

I coped most of the time and became depressed at other times. And 2 years ago came the catalyst.

In 2011 my parents had an argument over a jewellery receipt my mother found in my fathers room. (when I moved out of my parents home in 1992 my mum moved into my room). A realisation dawned on me that I have ended up in a very similar situation to my dad. I've realised that I've fought so hard not to be like my mum that I've ended up like my dad.

I don’t want to get into my seventies and be in that situation.

I became incredibly depressed and joined a social networking site when I saw a thread on there about women in my situation. It is shocking how common this is. I really thought that this was rare and that I was totally alone. There are more severe cases than mine where there is SEVERE emotional abuse if a woman dares to raise the issue of her partner's choice of lack of intimacy. I started posting on the feminism boards of the same site and discovered feminism at the late age of 38. From talking to other women on forums about this and very similar situations I discovered a very sinister undercurrent in society with regards to this issue. It seems that when it comes to intimacy issues, it is almost always the woman who gets blamed whether it is the man or the woman who is losing or has lost interest -- there is an interesting article which I spotted on the Jezebel website just today which touches upon this issue.

Before 1991 it was perfectly legal for a man to rape his wife. Not only is this a horrific and abhorrent crime, just the fact that this was legal before that date proves that men's needs are more highly prioritised than women's. Thankfully this is now illegal but when it comes to men's needs trumping women's not much has changed. There is STILL an assumption in society that women don’t want or need intimacy or sex . This is absolute rubbish.

I am now back where I was before. I have some weight to lose so have embarked on another healthy eating plan. I feel lonely and lost. I have to lock my needs away. The heart attack left my husband partially disabled. So now he can't be intimate but in the ten years prior to the heart attack he didn’t want to be.

The few people that I have confided in tell me im lucky -- because hes not hitting me or raping me. I used to agree with them.

But since discovering feminism I now disagree with what some of my friends have told me. Yes he's not hitting or raping me. But I am supposed to be grateful? Really???!!! There are many women in this situation whose needs are being ignored and sidelined and if we dare to speak up about it we are slut-shamed or told we don’t need sex (as a GP once told me) -- apparently I don’t need sex if I'm not trying to get pregnant.

There are not many platforms for women in this situation to talk safely about this. This needs to change. I cannot talk to my mother because of her attitude towards women which may come from her culture. Last year when the truth about Jimmy Savile emerged my mother said that the victims should be ashamed for going on TV and talking about it. I was absolutely appalled by her attitude but unfortunately not surprised. I have grown up being exposed to this kind of misogyny and victim-blaming all my life.

But now im eating healthily again and seem to have confronted and dealt with my comfort eating. I don’t know what the future holds but hopefully it will involve me being mentally and emotionally stronger

stemstitch Wed 11-Sep-13 14:41:25

Get rid of him. Life's too short, he clearly doesn't appreciate you. There's nothing wrong with wanting physical affection. It's very, very important in a relationship. Not just a shag but general physical affection. He isn't giving you any.

I completely agree that the iPad is just a ruse to avoid being intimate at bed time. That would drive me absolutely up the wall.

I wouldn't be surprised if he was just trying to hang onto you becuase of the house situation. It isn't your problem that he can't afford his own house.

keepcalmandkickon Wed 11-Sep-13 15:20:58

I am so sorry you are going through this, it is horrible and I have been there before. It destroys your confidence and makes you doubt yourself. But, I might sound harsh, there really isn't anything going on except the fact he is just not that into you and is being horribly selfish by stringing you along. It has been 14 months, this should be the honeymoon period.

He is telling you who he is and what sort of relationship is is prepared to have with you. If you don't listen and just spend time trying to understand / change the situation you will just end up more hurt and confused. He isn't going to change and the 'I'm shy' is a rubbish excuse thought up to get you to back off. BTW, his name doesn't begin with an M does it? He sounds just likr my ex!

Fairenuff Wed 11-Sep-13 20:29:31

I agree with everyone who says it's run it's course. You are clearly not compatible and there is no point dragging this out any longer than you have to.

LittleRobots Wed 11-Sep-13 20:37:19

Honestly get rid. Your last sentence says it all where he has said he doesn't love you sad

I'm in a sexless marriage and its "funcional". We have kids, I like him, we will stay like it - but for goodness sake if you have the chance of a proper relationship go for that.

soaccidentprone Wed 11-Sep-13 21:00:09

I don't understand why you have stayed as long as you have? You don't appear to be gaining anything from this relationship, and in fact the situation is chipping away at your self esteem and sense of self worth.

You need to decide what you want to do, then make a plan and stick to it. Have you friends around you who will support you?

WhiteandGreen Thu 12-Sep-13 00:11:08

I don't understand why the heck you're trying to analyse this.

YoniBottsBumgina Thu 12-Sep-13 00:39:44

He sounds like he has a lot of issues that are only going to get worse, TBH.

Why would you persevere with this? What do you hope will happen? That he will change into somebody he's not? That you will get used to it?? That has to be the saddest option of all! Don't settle. It's not worth it. YOU are worth more.

Mojavewonderer Thu 12-Sep-13 06:11:10

I really don't understand why you are with this guy. You should still be in the honeymoon stage! He has intimacy problems for sure and I think walking away with a clear and concise explanation is the best thing for you. Find someone who actually wants you!

Fairenuff Thu 12-Sep-13 08:14:04

Also, I really think you should stop pressuring him for sex. Yes, he is in the wrong to not be open with you and discuss this properly but that is no reason to keep putting his hands on you.

Listen to what he is telling you, he is not interested. There is no point staying with him and why would you want to. You have a whole life ahead of you, find someone who will admire, respect and desire you. Life really is too short to carry on like this.

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