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2 points: current bizarre life and do inlaws become ex's too

(9 Posts)
Changednameforthistoday Mon 09-Sep-13 12:19:37

Hi, I've NC for this.
My H left earlier this year. We have been together 20 years and have 4 children aged 9 and under. DC and I are were all heartbroken.
He left when I found out about his EA. He is still sure she is just a friend, and I do believe nothing physical has happened between them. Her husband contacted my H on the day he left.

Roll forward to now. He comes here everyday after work, has dinner and stays until after kids have done to bed. He then stays with me a while too. He doesn't have DC overnight, as he has some EA tendancies and they simply don't want to go there. On the whole he is OK but does have bad outbursts and anger issues. He could be fine for 2-3 weeks then throw a mental fit about something. I do not leave him alone with them, I do not trust him, neither do DC. He seems to be on self destruct some days, has got in a huge mess financially, and always has headaches etc and can't sleep. It's a strange set up. Hardly anyone knows he's left. We all do lots together, days out, activities etc. When we're alone without kids we still get on really well, he says he misses me a lot. He is still very tactile. It's a strange life to be living.

My other issue is that his parents haven't seen DC this year at all. They only live 5 minutes drive, but have shown no interest in them whatsoever. AT first they were very welcome here. I was very shocked they didn't come on DC birthdays. They will not answer phone to me if I call. But now, I may be wrong, for me, too much time has passed. They showed no interest when we needed support and now I feel that I don't want them to see DC. DC don't want to see them either. WHat do you think?

Just living a strange existence really, anyone else living like this?


Punkatheart Mon 09-Sep-13 12:32:12

Our stories are quite similar. 20 years together - my partner walked out. His mother is quite obsesessive about him and would not accept that he was in the wrong. She tried to send me a card with my maiden name on and then wanted my daughter's mobile, so she wouldn't have to phone me. My daughter eventually decided that she wanted nothing to do with her father - he has left me very ill (cancer) and he behaved as if it was time to party when my daughter was crying herself to sleep at night and having nightmares. She ended up in hospital with suspected cardiac problems. Her problems now have moved to mental problems - all stemming from her father's desertion.

The money thing also rings a bell - my ex had huge money problems made worse by his own stupidity. I suspect that these men simply cannot cope - with the children, with life, with anything that represents a burden.

I am as angry with my MIL as you sound with your inlaws. I rang up crying when my daughter developed severe depression and drug issues. MIL chose to ignore and not even phone to see how her grandchild is.

It shouldn't be this way and although I don't see my ex at all, it does feel very strange.

If you ever need to talk, just PM me - but I have now heard very similar stories from a number of women. It seems there is a script with these men but sadly, underneath they are very weak and cowardly.

Changednameforthistoday Mon 09-Sep-13 23:19:45

Punk, thanks for the response.
I am sorry to hear about your situation, and illness. I hope you're on the mend. Added to that your poor daughter.

I really agree with what you have written that some men just suddenly can't cope with it all. This rings very true with my H. He never used to be EA but it started rearing it's head about a year before he left. He suddenly couldn't handle the kids, as they got more demanding and money pressures etc increased. I think they try to separate themselves from the hurt they are causing us and their DC. This sounds true with your H and your daughter.

My H is so frustrating that he can spend so much time with us, but not have as much responsibility as he's left. We all get on well when he is acting calm. He still shows affection too, so can't see what was so bad to split up a family in a very drawn out cruel way. I never know what to do for the best, him eating here and being here everyday. Am I being a mug?

I am wondering whether his family ever really liked any of us now. He also has Mummy issues, although she is very happy to have him back and has told him not to come back to us. Nice eh?

I know somehow I will be blamed now though as now I feel that if they ever do ask to see DC I want to say No.

Thanks for offer to pm I will take you up on that. It's all so confusing isn't it.

Lweji Tue 10-Sep-13 08:02:52

I don't know about your ILs.

If they are not interested, leave them be.

About your ex, it's up to you to establish boundaries.
Are you happy with the set up? Then fine.

If not, then at least restrict his visits to set days and times and be strict about it.
What do you do when he loses it? Do you kick him out?

Tbh, I think emotional affairs are tricky.
You may not want to completely cut him out because you're not sure yourself.

Are you having sex with him?

northernlurker Tue 10-Sep-13 08:12:42

I think it's fine for him to come round every day if you are happy with that but it doesn't sound as if you are. ARe you getting a divorce? Would you like to meet somebody else? Because if so you need to stop him treating the house like his own and he just sleeps somewhere else. You're right - it is an odd way to live. Sounds like he wants his cake and to eat it. Defer the responsibility and sacrifice of having a family and just turn up for the nice bits. If you can't trust him with the kids though then it is very difficult. I think you need to start with him coming for dinner with the kids and maybe doing bedtime and then leaving straight away. Get that bit of space back first and see how you feel.

Your inlaws - ignore them tbh. They're not bothered so they lose out. You don't have energy to waste wondering about them and running after them. There are plenty of in laws who remain actively involved with grandchildren after a seperation, who are desperate to do so in fact and make effort and sacrifice to do so. Yours aren't like that.

Changednameforthistoday Tue 10-Sep-13 10:24:51

I am happy but maybe for the wrong reasons. I miss him so much and still cannot understand how he left or how he ever got texting the OW. The way he acts towards the DCs sometimes really shocks me as he used to be a real good guy, loving husband and brilliant Daddy. I know something is up with him. He needs help. Before he left he did get suicidal about money and letting us down. He also started hitting his own head, punching walls etc. Strange anger outbursts to kids.

We can have weeks where he seems like my old H, who I want around and want back, we all do. When he is the angry spiteful H obviously don't want him here. I don't want anyone else, just the old him.

I also worry that if I push him away it would be pushing him in to the OW arms. Embarrassed to admit that. I was always so strong, but this has totally knocked me. My soul mate I trusted with all my heart, who my babies trusted with all their hearts too. I am now on anti depressants due to this all.

He is currently doing something that he could get imprisioned for if caught. His opinion is that he could do with some time in prison. Who talks like that? It's like he feels guilty and wants to escape. He really is on self destruct, but I am the only one he tells these strange thoughts too. To everyone else he acts Mr in Control and doing fine.

The OW is a poor abused soul, of course, and has told him that he is her hero for listening to her as she has no friends, and that he has done no wrong to us.

I get what you are saying about space, and I know it's true, but it's so hard as I do want to spend time with him, but also know I need to get on with my life. So hard.

Punkatheart Tue 10-Sep-13 10:36:57

He clearly needs some help my love - he has all the signs of being seriously mentally unstable. Can you get him to get help? You need to protect him and your children.

Dahlen Tue 10-Sep-13 11:02:19

I wouldn't waste any more time thinking about the PILs. When couples separate it can be very difficult for the respective parents. They can be very wary about crossing a line in the sand they can't even see, either by being too 'interfering' and upsetting the son/daughter in law, or involved to an extent that makes their biological child feel betrayed. Most PILs choose to see their DGC as an extension of seeing their child, rather than by liaising directly with their ex D/SIL. Most would still send cards/presents for Christmas and birthdays, however. That speaks volumes.

Your DC don't want to see them. Let it be. It is their loss.

Your X sounds like he needs help, rather than just being your garden variety abuser. But that's not your responsibility. You can have compassion and offer support, but only in so far as it doesn't conflict with your responsibility to protect your DC, which includes emotionally as well as physically. Playing at happy families when you are anything but is going to lead to no end of confusion and insecurity on their part. Please put some effective boundaries in place. He is an X who comes to see his DC. He is not a part-time member of the family and that needs to be made clear.

Hope you find some resolution.

Changednameforthistoday Tue 10-Sep-13 12:31:26

I have started to do more things without him, although his reaction wasn't great. He actually went mad when I took the kids away for the day. The kids were kept safe, he was informed of safe arrival etc, even sent him a picture and kids called from train on way home, but still went mad. He said that I should be ready to be childless and homeless. This was his last explosion.

Next day, as nice as pie. I didn't back down, which I think shocked him, as previously I probably did. I stood up to him telling him that he could take me to court if he wanted. The thing is, it is idle threats put into his head by OW and his Mother.

He chooses to come everyday. He chooses to come when kids aren't even here.

The INLs do still send cards, with some money, but no visits, won't even speak to the kids on the phone when we call.

My house is a wreck and we don't have a car. These were some of the issues that stressed him before he left but now the kids and I are the ones left living in the house that stressed him so much.

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