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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Selfish lover

37 replies

Lash68com · 08/09/2013 06:21

Im very much in love with my boyfriend. He's very thoughtful in most things, but in bed he's starting to become all about himself, his wants and desires. He talks about what he wants to do to me in a sexual way. Wanting to dress up for me etc. I wear sexy lingerie all the time, talk about how I find him attractive. He's says I'm beautiful and sexy, compliments me. But when we are in bed things change. He doesn't touch me unless I guide his hand, then after a few seconds he reverts back to himself. The frustration of this is really getting to me. He's oblivious to my need. He once said have you orgasmed enough, after we had intercourse, I said no I haven't come yet. It felt awkward.
We talk a lot, all the time in fact. We like sexy talk, often talking what we want to do to each other. I'm so confused. Don't know what to do. I've pushed my point out of shear frustration before, only to feel under pressure to orgasm quickly, that's not possible under that kinda pressure.
I'm starting to not want to bother with that side of our relationship.

OP posts:

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NeedlesCuties · 08/09/2013 07:20

How long have you been together?

Are either/both of you inexperienced?

Does he watch/look at porn?

Seems like he doesn't have much of a clue about how to pleasure a woman or might just be selfish.

Wearing sexy undies all the time - why? Do you want that, or is it his idea?

It does sound very awkward for the 2 of you. Sorry for asking so many questions, but I do think it'd be useful for people to be able to be able to comment.

Maybe take a bit of a step back from the sexy talk, sexy dressing up and don't let the focus be on his orgasm. Be sensual, build intimacy and enjoy each other's minds and bodies.

niceupthedance · 08/09/2013 07:34

I would go for the shock factor. Next time you are talking dirty just drop in the fact that you want him to do X Y and Z, "otherwise what's in it for me?".

It might be a bit awkward but hopefully it would get the message across.

LoisPuddingLane · 08/09/2013 08:04

It does sound a little as if he might be porn-influenced and possibly inexperienced. "Have you orgasmed enough" is such an odd thing to say. As if you could have multiple (presumably) orgasms without him being aware of it or doing anything other than using his (golden) cock.

In porn, women rarely need any assistance with their (fake) orgasms and come loads of times just because of the golden cock thrusting. I think a conversation is needed - he obviously thinks he's doing all that is necessary and yet there is a gaping chasm (no pun intended) between what he is doing and what you need.

LoisPuddingLane · 08/09/2013 08:04

Also, it should never feel awkward to say you haven't come yet. People come at different times, normally.

EhricLovesTeamQhuay · 08/09/2013 08:26

He doesn't have a clue does he? As pp says he clearly thinks he just has to poke you a bit and you will be in paroxysms of multiple orgasms. You have three choices as I see it

Swallow your embarrassment and give him a full and frank anatomy/sexuality lecture. Hope that he takes it on board and doesn't break up with you out of humiliation.
Put up with it/stop having sex. I don't recommend this one.
Dump him and make his shit technique someone else's responsibility. Go and find yourself a man who revels in making a woman aroused and doesn't need detailed instructions.

Kundry · 08/09/2013 09:23

I think you are going to have to give him an anatomy lecture - hopefully he just doesn't know what gives women an orgasm (due to learning his technique from porn). If he has to ask if you've orgasmed enough () then he doesn't know what a women having an orgasm looks like

At this point he should then discover that sex is a lot more fun if your partner is enjoying it. Unfortunately some decide it's more fun when it's all about them - then the only option is to dump him.

Lash68com · 08/09/2013 09:33

Thanks for your replies/help.
We are both over 40 and have just come out of a long term marriage. He's a good guy and really worth it. Just want to overcome this selfish phase

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Lash68com · 08/09/2013 09:38

Another thing, he used to make me orgasm in the beginning. But I'm thinking through rose tinted glasses I guess. It was always rushed.

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Lash68com · 08/09/2013 09:41

The sexy undies is just my thing. I've always worn them

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Kundry · 08/09/2013 09:41

Ok so it's possible that he entered his marriage inexperienced, he and his ex-wife never developed a good sex life for what ever reason and he genuinely thinks that he is good at it, because this is what he did with his ex (and she put up with it/faked it/stopped having sex with him) and he has no idea she thought it was shit.

Maybe less of an anatomy lesson, more of a 'I really like it when you do x'? And go for the blunt approach if he proves unable to take a hint?

Lash68com · 08/09/2013 09:49

Think you're right Kundry

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Vivacia · 08/09/2013 10:16

He might have had a good sex life with previous partners. Things change, people like different things and what might have worked once doesn't necessarily work now.

Shapechanger · 08/09/2013 11:53

You sound like you lack sexual confidence in making clear what you want. If this is the way you are then a good sex life for you will be dependent on your partner second guessing what works for you.

I agree with posters who think he's absolutely clueless about how to touch and pleasure a woman and that porn might well be the reason. But it doesn't sound as if he has been educated by any previous partners. Or maybe he knows what to do but can be arsed which isn't great either.

Can relationship be really good if someone is selfish in bed? I think it connotes a lack of respect and love.

You need to be more sexually assertive. I've been very proactive in directing the man I'm with (though to be fair he was very good in bed in the first place, loves women's bodies and enjoys giving pleasure as much as receiving it). He tells me he loves being given direction and I think many men do. You can do it in a tactful way - tell him what to do, then when he does it tell him how great it feels.

If he ignores all that you just have to accept that you have a dud in the bedroom and move on if you can't live with that. I couldn't live with it.

AKissIsNotAContract · 08/09/2013 12:05

If he was 20 I'd try to teach him but over 40 I wouldn't bother. Dump him, life is too short for shit sex.

MissManaged · 08/09/2013 12:10

Buy a decent book and then tell him you are shutting up shop until he has read it cover to cover, because sex has been all about him and you love him enough to want to sort out that side of your relationship before you stop wanting to have sex.
If he can't handle the honesty ....well, you wouldn't really want to spend the rest of your life with someone you don't want to sleep with, would you?

Its not true that an old dog can't learn new tricks.
You just have to teach them the lessons when the blood is flowing to their brain, rather than .....

Fairenuff · 08/09/2013 12:31

Remember that episode in Friends where Monica helped Chandler out?

7, 7, 7 ?

Watch it together, then start the discussion.

Fairenuff · 08/09/2013 12:36

Kundry · 08/09/2013 12:58

Fairenuff that is a brilliant idea! My DH had sadly never watched Friends. I told him about the episode and that I would struggle to narrow it down to 7. His eyes boggled

Lash68com · 08/09/2013 13:13

Can't stand 'Freinds' lol what a load of rubbish

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Lash68com · 08/09/2013 16:33

But thank you all for your advice.

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Vivacia · 08/09/2013 17:15

Heh, I like how there's 3 hours between your two posts there. Guess your comment put people off offering support.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 17:28

That is a great clip from Friends. I haven't seen that before

Lots of men do the 1, 2, straight to 3 and set up camp . It's crap

They can learn though, if they are willing.

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Lash68com · 08/09/2013 23:28

Link don't work here in the uk

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AnyFucker · 08/09/2013 23:57

it worked for me

Fairenuff · 09/09/2013 08:23

it worked for me

the clip, or the number system?

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