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AIBU to feel gutted and feel that dh has totally betrayed my trust here?

(127 Posts)
Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 21:51:21

By way of back story my dh and i have just had an awful 6 months of fighting. Basically i feel he has behaved really selfishly by taking himself off on 4 trips, two for golf, (5 days in spain and 3 days in donegal) and two trips for concerts, one of them in london, away for 3 days on that one and two days on the other. These trips were all taken between end april and start of august, so around a 11week period.

We have 5 kids and i am a SAHM. These trips put a lot of pressure on me and when i said this was a bit much to be going away he reacted badly, defensively.

Later, much later, and after weeks of not getting on, and him saying some nasty stuff to me he admitted that he HAD been selfish, as life is too busy around may june time with all the kids sports and activities for him to be away all those times and he assured me that it was a once off, and from now on he would plan his trips to fit in around the family and space them out better. The golf trip at the end of april is an annual thing and i dont mind about that as i think it is good for him to have a trip away with his golfing mates, he always comes back really rested. But the other trip, (organised by an old school acquaintance) taken two weeks after spain was taking the piss i felt, and he agreed that it was too much.

This was about a month ago. I have since found out, (heard from the wife of one of the other blokes) that he as already committed to going away on another of these trips organised by the school acquaintance, basically the same trip that was in donegal in may except this time its to be in kerry, at the other end of the country to us, and will be for 3 days.

This is all despite the fact that he is already going away to spain in april, and his brother is getting married in june so i expect there will be a stag do in april or may.

And yet he has committed to this trip as well, despite his promises. And hasnt even bothered to discuss it with me as he knows how i would feel. I feel devastated. We had an awful time this summer and we are meant to be getting our marriage back on track again and yet he is still busy planning his jollies away, more than 8 months in advance.sad

MrsWolowitz Sat 07-Sep-13 21:54:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 21:55:31

Is it any bloody wonder i have absolutely no desire towards my dh any more, do not want to make love to him, just cant do it.I am so fed up with this.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 21:58:10

Thanks Mrs Wolowitz - I can have a break, in theory, we have the money and he would give it, but life is so busy with the kids, and then it has to fit in around his hectic work and social schedule, in reality, me getting away happens once a year, two nights with my mum and sister, and i have to do so much planning and organising just to get away its nearly not worth it by the time i go i am so knackered!

cosydressinggown Sat 07-Sep-13 21:58:36

I think you need to talk to your husband before condemning him. He may have said to the mate that he'd go to save face and be thinking of a way to get out of it. He may have said he'd go a while ago but since he admitted he's been selfish he is no longer planning to go. Talk to him for crying out loud.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer Sat 07-Sep-13 22:03:37

Then he needs to be doing the organising of things at home to help you get a break. It's not fair otherwise. Talk to him about alternating breaks from now on. He will just have to reduce his social schedule.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:04:03

cosy he committed to it the day before yesterday, the girl i was chatting is married to one of the organisers.

He doesnt tend to commit to things and then let people down, he would see that as losing face.

I could indeed bring it up with him, and i will. And i know that when i do, he will react badly, lash out at me verbally, go off and sulk, and generally be a nightmare to live with for weeks, before eventually admitting that maybe this might be a bit much.

But i will have to go through 7 shades of shit before he arrives at this conclusion and right now i dont have the energy for that.

BlissfullyIgnorant Sat 07-Sep-13 22:04:31

Why do you have to fit in around his social schedule? Book four days away and just go. They're his children too (and make sure he DOESN'T call it 'babysitting'!) so he can look after them. He won't ever understand what it's like unless he walks in your shoes.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 22:08:02

Your husband is living the life of a single man

With 5 kids and a wife frazzled to fuck, he is being utterly selfish

I would be issuing some ultimatums, and meaning it

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:09:52

Yes, blissfully but the thing is i dont want to go away for 4 days at the moment, i will go away early in the new year with mum and sis. But to my mind the solution to this issue is not for me to play tit for tat and go off on a trip away every time he does it, thats not really where i am coming from. I want him to stop doing his own thing all the time and consider his family and be around more for his kids, be present, instead of living for the next trip away all the time.

tribpot Sat 07-Sep-13 22:13:43

I think the point is, he may not realise how utterly selfish and disruptive his actions are - until you show him. He appears to require no time to plan in minute detail every moment of his absence - he just delegates it all to you. Time that stopped.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:14:05

AF yes that is it, he is living the life of a single man.

He provides us with a good life. Pays for me to have help in the house with the kids. So because of all that, i suppose he feels entitled to bugger off as he pleases.

What upsets me most is that we discussed this issue ad feckin nauseum and then he just went off and did exactly what he assured me he wouldnt do...

Pilgit Sat 07-Sep-13 22:16:12

Definitely talk to him. Point out the stag do will be taking place and that next year will be a repeat of this year. If he still can't see it stop making it easy to take advantage. You say you have to do loads of organising to get 2 days away - why? Just book something, make sure nothing work related of his on at that time and inform him that this is happening then leave the rest of the organising to him - just as he leaves it to you. His social life should be put on hold to give you that time. Make sure he is fully aware that it is his look out for that week (or however long you go away for). I would also make it clear that the freedom from planning all the 'cover' when you're away is part of the break that he is giving you. Sometimes he has to fit in with you.

A slightly different scenario but I was stressing recently about what to do with DD1 for after school care as I go back to work full time next week and she will need picking up from school. DH is self employed and sets his own hours. And I was tying myself in knots working out what the best solution would be so that she's okay and that he can work. Then I gave myself a talking to - I'm not going to be there. I work full time, I am the main wage earner with the unflexible working hours. He is the one at home who has that flexibility and will be doing the pick ups. So I took a step back, we discussed it and we're doing it his way (basically nothing is planned as his philosophy on life is 'wing it'). But the point is, it is not my problem - he is the parent on the ground and a grown up, he can sort it out. If you're not there, he has to step up. Do you think he would leave the children to go hungry? dirty? unsafe etc simply because you're not there? I doubt it.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 22:16:33

Book a trip away on the exact days he has this other one, then tell him and say you're sure, given his 4 trips last year, he won't begrudge you this single one. See how the * handles that.

BTW, why the hell are you catering to his hectic social schedule? Work, sure, but social? While you're stuck at home with his five kids? How is that remotely equitable?

He is absolutely taking the piss, and appears to have not the least desire or intention of stopping, either.

newlifeforme Sat 07-Sep-13 22:20:09

I really suggest you take time out, don't take on the responsibility for all the childcare.Make him step up.My dh was acting very selfishly earlier this year and I realised I was waiting for him to give me permission to have a life.Don't be a martyr, define what you want and go for it.

I think he has to be impacted by you taking personal time to make his selfish behaviour sink in.Your children won't suffer by spending 5 days with their dad.Your marriage should be equal, if he has a trip then you have the equal time.Start from that basis and hold firm.

perfectstorm Sat 07-Sep-13 22:23:28

I think he has to be impacted by you taking personal time to make his selfish behaviour sink in.Your children won't suffer by spending 5 days with their dad.Your marriage should be equal, if he has a trip then you have the equal time.Start from that basis and hold firm.

Completely agree. Right now, it sounds like a 1930s marriage - he earns the money, so you're an employee and should just get on with it. That's no way to manage a partnership, which a marriage is/should be.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:25:04

Perfect that is a good idea actually, and one i would seriously consider.. he doesnt know i know about his planned golf trip next may, so i could in all innocence have planned it, esp when he hasnt notified me of his plans.

Its all so bloody pathetic though all this bloody point scoring instead of us working as a team together. i shouldnt have to go around planning and scheming like this, surely this is not what a marriage should be.

pilgit going on past experience, when i go away and he wants to go out at night or away for the day he just pays a babysitter or gets him mum to step in.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:27:38

newlife i dont want to go away as much as he does. I actually like spending time with our kids and dont like leaving them that much.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 22:31:33

I agree it isn't the answer to try and play him at his own game, if you don't want to spend time away from your kids

I guess you just wish he wanted to be a person enjoying family life as much as you do ?

well, you can't force him to

I guess if it would make him resentful if you attempted to clip his single man wings, then you have your answer really

your goals and aspirations are not compatible

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:31:52

A lot of you seem to be saying that i should get to go away as much as him, but i dont want to go away 5 or six times a year, in total he spent around 15nights away from the family in the last 12 months, on boys or golf trips. Firstly, i have no one to go away with that much, most of my friends cant afford it, so i'd be heading off on my own, but anyway, i dont want or even need that much time away from my family, i love being at home with the kids. Sure, maybe 3 or 4 nights away on my own in a year, that would be enough for me. I dont want to match up to his nights away, just for him to plan the better and space them out better, and to consult with me first and make sure it fits in with us first.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 22:39:05

AF Yes, that is it, in a nutshell. Our goals and aspirations are incompatible.

The thing is, where do i go from here? I just do not know.

WetGrass Sat 07-Sep-13 22:43:36

Send a child (or two) with him. If you have 5, then at least some of them must be ready to appreciate golf.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 22:47:56

I don't know, love. I could only tell you what I would do. Only you know how much he is otherwise engaged with you and with your family life.

Some women would build more of a life of their own, without him. I wouldn't do that, I would expect him to participate as fully as I did (working hours taken into consideration)

I guess you love him and he must be doing some things right or you wouldn't have had 5 kids with him. But he had those kids too, and he has a responsibility to them, not just to himself and to his laddy mates.

Lisavarna Sat 07-Sep-13 23:31:33

AF thank you, your kind words and wisdom mean a lot.

I agree that some would recommend i build a life of my own, without him. But that is not how i envisaged what my marriage would be.

I want friendship. respect. companionship, love, passion (if possible, though not at all on the plate at the moment, not even sex). If i build a separate life, then what is the point of being married at all i wonder. It jut seems like an empty shell of pretence, for the sake of the kids.

He does provide for us very well, and i know that he adores the kids, and when he is here, and not away on his many trips, he is engaged with them.

We, however, are growing apart by the day, and this latest thing has just made me feel even more apart from him than ever.

I know that no one has any answers for me, but it just helps to vent here, and hear other folks opinions.

AnyFucker Sat 07-Sep-13 23:35:56

What you said in your last post

Tell him you want to talk to him and it is very serious. Make sure the kids are otherwise occupied.

Say to him what you said there ^^

Make it clear his behaviour is jeopardising your love and respect for him, and that it is not what you expected from a life partner

After that ? It's up to him.

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